I See Red When You Let Me Down!

October 5th, 2008

 

Show me I matter to you
The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry.  With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations were a blur as her eyes kept scanning the hall for her elder brother.
 

Getting the goodies from other’s doesn’t cut it
Yvonne’s  friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was  the pooper at her own  party.  Her heart was frozen. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of thanking her thoughtful pals.
 

Larry’s voice penetrated the happy atmosphere as he came up to embrace Yvonne.  “ You are amazing sis,  I always knew you could do it.”
 

The hot button - I should be important to you, but I’m not
Yvonne wrestled with her conflicting feelings of elation and anger. “ It’s too late now!” she responded as her buttons got pushed. “ You missed everything!”
 

“ Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but hey the party just got started,” Larry said, defending the charge.
 

“ Something came up! I guess it was a lot more important than my graduation. It’s a once in a lifetime experience and you couldn’t make the effort to be there for me!” Yvonne cut him dead.
 

Hot button sets off a spiral of resentful feelings
 In a split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences.  Larry’s feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. She was as insignificant now as she had felt all those years ago.
 

Punishing strategies keep the hot button throbbing
Yvonne didn’t speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him.  She wanted him to feel her pain, and the best way to do that was to avoid his calls. Any sense of power and control Yvonne gained during her withdrawal was off set by anger and bitterness eroding her peace of mind.
 

Keeping the hot buttons sizzling
The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired.  Yvonne flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren’t worth a damn if her brother couldn’t get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn’t care about her, why should she care about herself?
 

Yvonne felt deprived of the recognition she believed she was entitled to. Wrath and vengeance destroyed the link to her brother, leaving her bereft.  She was unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, enlarging the void inside her. Rewarded with the easy win, the hot button got reinforced, stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.
 

Hot button puts the relationship in jeopardy
In the grips of her hot button Yvonne has little access to her smarts. As she gets tired of torturing herself in the isolation chamber, and is ready to reconnect the severed threads of her attachments she should reflect on the destructive cycle she unconsciously perpetuates. Expecting her brother to substitute for the parents she wanted, while making up for the shortcomings of the parents she got puts Larry in a straight jacket.
 

He is set up to fail the test, and Yvonne has a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractures under pressure.
 

Weakening the hot button
Yvonne can use other measures to assign value to her existence such as the support and care she gets from friends and colleagues. The hot button will diminish in proportion to her growing sense of self-worth. She just has to be receptive to alternative sources of treasure. Instead of focusing on what she isn’t getting that she has a right to get, she would get more by valuing what she is getting and treasuring it.
 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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If Only I Had Known!

September 28th, 2008

THE WARNING SHOT IS FIRED 

Ever had that “if only I had known” feeling?  Dreams that come over and over again may be trying to give you a heads up about something serious that is going to happen in your life. Maureen an event organizer for a non-profit agency had been doing the job of eight people for quite some time. She never asked for help despite being constantly overwhelmed. Nor did she seek treatment for the cataracts that were compromising her eye sight. A perplexing dream made her take a couple hours out of her schedule to consult with me.
 

TRAPPED BY THE DILEMMA

In her dream Maureen assisted a man with voter registration. He had to study for a test by 9:00 p.m. that night in order to qualify- an impossible task. He insisted on voting locally although he was planning to go abroad. Maureen felt frustrated with this ridiculous request. Her bosses told her the man could register in the morning if she signed off on his study requirements. She didn’t want to lie and felt trapped by this dilemma.
 

THE DREAM SOLUTION GOES UNHEEDED 

The dream  precisely depicted Maureen’s conflict. The man in the dream represented the dichotomy within Maureen that she had ignored, the wish to work and the desire to play. She had focused only on work. Her dream came to remind her that both are necessary for wholesome living. The odd number nine suggested something incomplete, and at odds with natural rhythms. The time crunch in the dream was a wake up call urging Maureen to stop ‘signing off’ on her one track path in life. She needed to ‘register’ this challenge and cast her vote for a balanced existence, before her cataracts blinded her to the joys of a full life.
 

HOW BAD DOES IT HAVE TO GET BEFORE YOU TAKE ACTION?

Maureen was moved by the analysis of her dream. She seemed intent on change, but she ignored her dream yet again. A few weeks later I learned that she had become ill and was forced to stop working. How much more drastic will the consequences have to be before she pays attention?

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 

 AVOIDING MAUREEN’S MISTAKE: 

join a dream group, talk to friends and relatives, be curious as to why the same dream haunts you. Consult a psychotherapist who also does art work linked to dreams.

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Why Won’t That Dream Leave Me Alone?

September 25th, 2008

Nonsensical  Images and Sensations 

Do you wake up puzzled by the same weird dream over and over again? Does the dream seems to come out of the blue, unrelated to your current circumstances and make no sense at all? Are you left with lingering images and sensations that interfere with your mood? Recurrent dreams can be quite disturbing. They are powerful messages from your unconscious urging you to pay attention to some aspect of your life that can no longer be ignored. 

 

Just When Everything Was Perfect!

Thirty-six year old Brandon’s life began the day he got his realtors license three years ago. Everything in life was wonderful except for this strange dream that kept interfering with his happiness. In the dreams he was back at the dental clinic subbing during staff shortages. Brandon couldn’t understand why he was dreaming about a job he hated, never gave a second thought to, and had run away from to become a realtor. 

 

Solving the Mystery

Unsettled by the persistent regularity of this unwelcome dream, Brandon consulted me on this mystery. We discovered that Brandon had some unfinished business back in that clinic. Brandon choked up as he recalled leaving abruptly, without any marker of this huge transition. This was the first time he felt the wrench that he had anesthetized himself against for so long. He had walked away from his title as a doctor of dentistry, become estranged from his colleagues who had been like family, and given up working with his hands, a skill he had honed to perfection. He had treated these aspects of himself as if they were irritating particles of flaky skin. 

 

Burying The Dead

After his surprise emotional reaction to the sharing of the dream, Brandon returned to the clinic. He found the corpse of his previous life, and gave it a decent burial with all the funeral rites it deserved. He celebrated the dead person rather than pretend it had never lived. Now he was free to return to the land of the living. The dream had done it’s job. It never returned.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 

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Aren’t You Ever Satisfied?

September 7th, 2008

 

If Only You Could Be Satisfied - Then I Could Dare To Satisfy Myself!
The whining started again. What did Lynn want this time? Vicky hadn’t long since got him settled with his toys after his swimming lesson.  But he couldn’t keep himself occupied for more than a few minutes.  Vicky took her 7 year old son to the park hoping to get some peace from his constant cranky demands. A bit of time to herself would be so wonderful. The swings, slides and climbing frames soon lost their novelty value. His mother gave him his favorite snacks she had carefully prepared for their picnic, but he yelled for an ice-cream as he heard the musical van stop by. The harder she tried to reason with him the worse his tantrum became.
 

The Hot Button Reaches Boiling Point
Vicky was acutely embarrassed as her son’s tantrum showed her up in front of other mothers in the park. Shame, humiliation and rage triggered her hot button. Her son’s relentless demands created a massive conflict inside her. The only thing she wanted to do was shut him up and look good. Her tongue lashing did the trick as she released the heat from her hot button. But she had to suffer the guilt that flooded her as her son’s sobbing added another layer of ‘badness’ on her sense of self-worth.
 

Where Did This Button Get It’s Force?
Vicky grew up in a household where her father got the best of everything, first last and always. His temper was fierce and no one dared cross him. Everyone sacrificed themselves so that he could be appeased and pacified. Vicky’s mother didn’t acknowledge her daughter’s needs let alone attempt to meet them. Vicky learned the rule of pacification - let daddy have what he wants, then he won’t yell at me and call me a bad girl.
 

The Button Is Identified
At the moment of explosion, Vicky couldn’t tell the difference between her father’s selfishness and her 7 year old son’s natural hunger for everything in the world.
 

She was jealous of her son, even though the parent in her wanted to give him a better quality childhood.
 

Dealing With The Hot Button - take care of both kids
Vicky is basically a good parent to her son. But she doesn’t have a good parent inside her that is taking care of her. Now she is an adult she can satisfy that resentful child inside her. She has two children to take care of if she is to get the better of this very destructive hot button. She has to take care of that starving child inside her, and her own son. Then and only then will she have mastery of her hot button and ensure her relationship with her son doesn’t repeat the frustrations of her childhood.
 

 

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
 

 

 

 
 
 

 

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I want your body, you want my mind.

July 30th, 2008

It’s So Frustrating!
Russ tingled as his partner’s hands moved over his skin. The exquisite sensation aroused him sexually. In a split second he moved away, and Bridget let out a huge sigh of frustration and disappointment. It had happened again. Russ let her go so far, and then he chickened out.
 

“I’m getting tired of this” she said. “ You say you love me, so why won’t you let yourself go in bed?”


 Will You Throw Me Away?
“ Why does orgasm have to be the way I prove my love?” Russ asked, hurt and upset. “ It makes me wonder if you will throw me away if I don’t do what you want when you want it!”
 

“ I’ve been patient. How much longer do I have to wait until you are ready? Why can’t you fake it till you make it.?” Bridget’s exasperated tone responded.
 

“ I wish you would try to understand that I feel used when you get so hung up on wanting me to go all the way. I want to take time, explore, have fun, talk to you,  not just do it and feel empty.” Russ explained. 
 

 Why are Russ and Bridget so frustrated with one another?
 

 Neither of them feel safe in this relationship. Both are trying to create safety in opposite ways so that they can relax and feel more secure.
 Bridge’s attempts at creating safety
Bridget is desperate to bond sexually.  That would be the strongest glue to cement the relationship and make her feel safe.
 

Russ’s attempts at creating safety
Russ is afraid that if he surrenders completely to his sexuality, he will loose the essence of who he is.  He puts up a protective barrier by  playing with sex until he is safe enough to give himself completely.
 Both feel unlovable but deal with it in opposite ways.
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Bridget wants to drown out her fears of being unlovable
Bridget  believes that talking and exploring will lead to  Russ  discovering how unlovable she really is - and leave.  That is too risky. Better that it remain masked with sex. If only Russ wanted her sexually - it would be such a relief. It would go a long way to counteracts her fear of being unlovable.
 

Drowning out her fears in the intense pleasures of  sex is the best safety lock keeping out those dark and dangerous demons that torture her with feelings of poor self-worth.
 

Russ wants to stay vigilant and seek out possible sources of fear
He is terrified of being eaten alive and his bones being spat out afterwards. He wants to bond by making sure he is wanted for who is he, not just used a sexual toy.  So he wants to talk to Bridget and make sure there are no hidden mines he could step on. Then and only then will he be on safe ground. Russ can’t afford to take the risk of drowning in physical pleasure. The sharks will sense his vulnerability and attack.
 

How can Russ and Bridget begin to feel safe with one another and build security?
1. Stop making the conversation about sex - it is about safety in the relationship
 

2. Sharing their feelings of danger in relationships can be the single most important process they can engage in.
 

3. Talking about their feelings of being unlovable can create a new conversation where both can give each meaningful signs of their desirability and loveable ness.
 

4. As the pressure is eased on eliminating danger, both can relax into the relationship and co-construct the security that they need for the relationship to flourish.
  
  copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
    

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I’M SICK OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH!

July 29th, 2008
   

  

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

    

OUCH!
Before he turned off the engine as he pulled into the driveway, Mia got on his case. He never appreciated her, he hadn’t fixed the shower door, he failed to pick up their son from the child care facility on time, and he drank too much!    

Doug’s breath came hard and fast. He felt attacked with a barrage of unfair bullets that seemed to hit him unawares. He was unarmed and defenseless. His stomach was in knots, his blood pumped in his throat and temples as he struggled to survive.

Big Hot Button Screeching Like a Siren
A whole bunch of buttons had been pushed and Doug didn’t know how to tackle this confusing mess that coated his entire being. There was a huge big red button that was screeching out like a siren

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!    

The Bedrock For This Hot Button
Doug’s reacted strongly because he has a fundamental but unconscious belief that goes something like this:

If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.

If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.Satellite Buttons
Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flickering on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They are

If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flickering on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They areI’M NOT A PERFECT FATHER
I’M A BAD PARENT LIKE MY PARENTS
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHT
I CAN’T PLEASE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE - I AM NO GOOD

If I was doing everything right, my wife would be happy and be saying nice things to me. She is angry with me, and that can only mean that I haven’t pleased her, therefore I am not doing things properly. My efforts have fallen short. I am a failure. I hate myself.Around the main self-critical button several satellites were orbiting around pinging with amber lights flickering on and off. They were also triggered by the demeaning comments Dough heard from his wife. They areI’M NOT A PERFECT FATHERI’M A BAD PARENT LIKE MY PARENTSNO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET IT RIGHTI CAN’T PLEASE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE - I AM NO GOODHow can Doug Take The Sting Out of These Hot Buttons?
Doug’s wife can aim accurately at Doug’s set of buttons because some part of him buys into the fact that he is not good enough. So Doug needs to do the following:

1. Change the measure by which he judges his worth. Reading the meter that gauges his wife’s state of pleasure in him is precarious, and subject to her moods.
2. Doug needs to rehearse all the ways he has done what he thinks is reasonable in his relationship and let that become his reliable guide.
3. Once Doug can convince himself that he is a good parent, and husband the satellite buttons will slowly dissipate. They won’t feed the big hot button that underlies his low self-worth.
4. The belief that he isn’t good enough can be countered by homing in on evidence to the contrary. That eats away at the big button, which is less easy to see and manipulate.

 Articles on how your anger can sabotage your weight loss program, your sex life and career

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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How To Stop Growing Hot Buttons In Your Psyche

July 20th, 2008
  

  

How To Stop Growing Hot Buttons in Your Psyche

Exposing The Hot Button Weed
June was hurt that she hadn’t been asked to join the planning committee for her neighborhood watch. She called her friend Monica, the committee chair and broke off their relationship. Taken aback Monica shot back that June was doing her usual dance of running away whenever things didn’t go her way. June’s hot button burst into flames, ” I don’t dump people!” she screamed in defense.  

Pretending The Weed Doesn’t Exist
June was called out on her tendency to abandon people who don’t give her what she believes she is entitled to. Her emphatic denial was a way of covering up the shame and humiliation she felt when she was laid bare. June believed that if she couldn’t see it then no one else could either. But she was wrong, and her hot button was ignited.

Weeds Are The Seedbed Of Your Hot Buttons
When you try to cover up, kill, pull out, suffocate, poison or chop up the parts of yourself that you don’t like (your weeds), you actually create a spot of fertile ground for the root particles and seeds to flourish. They congregate and thrive as a hot button inside your psyche. When you have a strong reaction to your buttons being pushed, it’s because you were forced to see the weeds in your rose garden. Your outrage is a protest against acknowledging that you are by nature made of weeds and exotic orchids.

Why Weeds Take Over Your Psychic Garden
The more aspects of yourself you disown the more they are going to fight for air, light, and space in your psychic garden. They will pop up when you least expect them, as angry outbursts whenever they are triggered by a button pusher. They will overwhelm the beautiful garden you spend so much time grooming, and make you feel exposed and ashamed. Exactly the opposite of what you wanted.

You Can Hide Things From Yourself, But Beware Friends and Family
Like June, you can hide unacceptable parts of yourself with nice perfume, pretty adornments, and masks. But those close to you can see through the disguise. When they speak to those hidden parts of you instead of your false persona, your hot buttons are going to be pushed big time.

Allowing A Few Weeds To Go Through Their Life Cycle
Accepting a weed such as your desire to feel superior (a weed) to exist near your kindness to animals (an orchid) means you can keep your eye on the weed. That puts you in control. Since you are allowing it to take it’s natural course, there is no frantic activity underground to make more roots and seedlings ( to fuel the furnace of your hot buttons). As the plant comes to the end of it’s natural life, you can collect the seeds before they fall on the ground and give birth to hundreds of new ones. Owning it gives you the power to determine how and when it can come out. Remember, your friends and family already know it’s there. They accept you with that imperfection. It’s time you did too!

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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I Can’t Stand It - My Family Treats Me Like An ATM Machine!

July 13th, 2008
  

   

  

Sunday, July 20, 2008

   

  

   

I Can’t Stand It - My Family Treats Me Like An ATM Machine!

Triggering The Hot Button

“Mom, I need the money for the weekend right now!” demanded her eighteen year old daughter.

 

Reacting to The Hot Button

Fueled with indignation Sharon’s words shot out like guided missiles determined to destroy the grabbing, ungrateful source of threat to her at that moment. ” I’m sick of being treated as an ATM machine. You never thank me. You never think of me and how hard I have to work for the money that you waste. If you need money go out and earn it!”

Naming The Hot Button


Sharon’s hot button got triggered by her daughter’s demand. The button’s label is ‘being taken for granted, and unappreciated by close family members.’ A cocktail of pent up hurt and longing to be valued mixed with years of rage erupted. Mother and daughter now had a rift in their relationship as both went off into their corners feeling unfairly wounded and vulnerable. As the heat subsided, Sharon suffered the throbbing pain of fear and guilt - will I lose my daughter? Am I a mean bad parent?

How The Hot Button Was Created


Sharon helped her sister Ellisa prepare the party for their father’s 80th birthday. As the guests left they thanked Ellisa and wished her father many more years of healthy life. Sharon drove home hurt and unappreciated. Her father had barely noticed her, made no mention of her efforts or contributions let alone thanked her for the party. Ellisa was heaped with teary eyed praise as a generous, loving daughter - as always. Despite 40 years of being ignored by her father, and living in her sister’s shadow, Sharon kept hoping that the next time would be different. Nothing changed, and each layer of disappointment added to Sharon’s anger. Her hot button was steaming with outrage and resentment. The angry vapors invaded every part of her body and mind fueling the already bubbling volcano primed to explode.

When her daughter made the demand, the bomb went off.

Deactivating The Hot Button

Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated. That is fine.

Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be . That is fine.

Once Sharon identifies the name of her hot button she has taken the first step in controlling it. She wants her efforts to be . That is fine.

She can increase her chances of being valued by recalibrating the currency used in the market of family relationships. Instead of investing in the hope that family will honor her unselfish acts, she would get greater returns by choosing a more varied portfolio. That translates to being available and giving of herself only when she truly wants to, and not when she would rather do something else. That way she doesn’t set herself up for resentment when she is taken for granted. By placing a higher value on herself she makes it more desirable and therefore more worth having.

 Articles on how anger makes you fat, impotent and stressed

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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My partner Humiliated Me In Public!

July 4th, 2008

Chosing The Moment Of Revenge 
Joyce watched the pleasure on Brad’s face as he laughed and drank toasts with his friends. She joined them at the table and waited for Brad to introduce her to the crowd. He smiled as she sat down and called the waiter over to order Joyce a drink. Joyce sipped her wine making small talk with Brad’s pals. They were loud and she didn’t get their jokes. Sidelined, Joyce chose her moment of revenge with piercing accuracy. Just as Brad bought another bottle of expensive champagne, Joyce called out, ” are you sure you can you afford that? You don’t have any work next week!”  

Irresponsibility Button Pushed Big Time 
Brad had been savagely attacked. His irresponsibility button had been pushed big time. His partner knew that sore spot very well and took precise aim, scoring a bulls eye. She had exposed him, and he retaliated with outrage to cover his shame and humiliation. ” Have I ever let you starve? I’m a big boy and I know how to manage my finances. It’s none of your business what I do with my money or how I get it. It’s not your precious money so don’t tell me what to do. You’re a kill joy! You wouldn’t know how to enjoy yourself if you tried.”

Brad’s outburst when his button got pushed silenced the party. The group saw him bad mouth his wife. The fact that she provoked him was by now forgotten. All they saw and heard was fury and an erruption of uncontrollable anger. They lost respect for him, and left.

A better Way For Brad To Act

1. Taking Ownership
When an assault is launched against this vulnerability he can own it, and therefore speak from a place of power and control. Taking full ownership takes the sting out of the barb and it has little or no effect.

2. Imagine Being In the Shoes Of the Attacker
Brad should have noticed and been sensitive to Joyce feeling excluded. He could have taken preventive action by making sure she was able to participate in the conversation. That way she wouldn’t have needed to get his attention or express her hurt by humiliating him.

 Articles on managing anger, frustration and resentment

copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Now I Want You, Now I Don’t!

April 20th, 2008

Easing The Guilt 
Dominic fantasized about his wife’s face lighting up with joy as he surprised her with his treat. He wanted her attention again. He was a bit guilty that he had been neglecting her lately, so he made reservations at their favorite restaurant. Tonight he was going to make it up to her and everything between them would return to normal.     

Not In The Mood To Play The Game 
Tricia came home from work tired and grumpy. She didn’t feel like dressing up and going out. Reluctantly she agreed to make the effort after seeing the disappointment on Dominic’s face. At the restaurant Tricia complained about the table, the temperature of the room, the loud music and the awful service. She picked at her food. Dominic got madder with each complaint he heard. Eventually he exploded and spewed out his resentment  “you’re not happy, lets go back home since I obviously picked the wrong place! Nothing I do is ever right?” He yelled for the bill and drove back seething in silent outrage.

Wallowing In Martyrdom 
Slamming doors, and loud pointed sighs of frustration cut the air with daggers of hate. Twenty minutes later Dominic sealed himself off from further humiliation by burying himself in a book. Tricia came into the bedroom and lay down beside him. She stroked his hair and tried to cuddle up to him. Dominic swatted her away, wallowing in his martyrdom. Tricia apologized begging to know how she could get Dominic back from his self-imposed exile. He just sighed harder, tensed up his body, created a shell around him and felt the power of revenge as he punished Tricia for not responding to his earlier efforts.

Missing The Connections
Next evening Dominic brought home chocolates and flowers. He was concerned that he may have pushed Tricia away to such an extent that she may threaten to leave him. He missed that wonderful comforting connection with Tricia that always made him feel good. With a warm smile Dominic hugged Tricia and gave her the gifts. He was met with a stiff body. She didn’t welcome his advances, saying “You only want me when it suits you! I tried to make it up with you last night, but you weren’t in the mood to mend things. Well, now I am not in the mood. It’s too late.”

I Push-You Pull Communication Pattern
Tricia and Dominic communicate in the “Me pull, you push - you pull, I push” code. Neither of them can risk being close simultaneously, no matter how much they crave that sense of belonging and unity. Inside their heads there are loud warning signals that go off when ever the possibility of stable and lasting intimacy becomes real. They have to keep each other on tenter hooks, getting their next fix of pulling - the caressing, flowers, apologies. That is when they both feel most secure. Full and content with security, one of them pushes away the loving gestures, making the giver feel rejected. Empty of love and security the pulling starts again, and so both Tricia and Dominic dance to the rhythm of desire as it ebbs and flows in their relationship.

Changing The Rhythm Of Desire

  • Tricia and Dominic need to talk about their fear of losing one another.
  • They need to share what they each represent for one another.
  • They both need to decide whether they signed up for the role they have been put in.
  • Tricia and Dominic need to notice the moments where there are no pulls and pushes and capitalize on them by doing joint activities and sensing the security it brings.
  • Tricia and Dominic could call their partner on it, when they feel either pulled or pushed and stop it from escalating.


copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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