Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Are you a man who is an obedient, loyal, dependable guy with your female partner?

Do you give her the authority to make decisions, take the lead and initiative on parenting, spending money and organizing your social life?

Then you may be very conflicted about having no power yourself just so you can ensure that you are loved and cared for.

Maybe you just don't know which part of you to go with?

What will the consequences be if you take on a more authoritative role?

How will it be if you continue to avoid asserting yourself?

You know that inside you there is a raging bull ready to smash everything that smacks of needing to depend on your female partner for care.

And it comes out when you can't take being the obedient little 'good boy' any longer.

If this your only exit strategy and does it actually work?

This video gives you a deeper look at the two waring sides of yourself you carry as a heavy load.

You will also get a wonderful tip on how to quell the war inside you, and peacefully co-exist with both sides in balance.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this video is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Jackson just found out that his partner Stacey has been keeping a secret about a friendship with a past romantic friend. It all came spilling out when he saw a text message on her phone while she was in the bathroom and he was getting ready for bed. Stunned, he gave Stacey the cold shoulder when they got into bed. But inside he was smoldering. The lightest touch from Stacey ignited his rage, setting off a cascade of accusations that he wanted her to plead guilty to.

Enraged and humiliated about being duped, Jackson wanted to get back in control. One part of him wanted to beat the truth out of her and feel strong doing it, while another part of him wanted a denial so the relationship remained secure. It was hard to know which part of himself he should fight for.

Furious at his audacity, Stacey yelled that he was overreacting

Jackson went ballistic. He just saw a text that made it clear that something is going on between them. It  looked suspicious. How could she pretend he made it up?

Hiis head  throbbed and he felt his heart racing as he began interrogating Stacey. He imagined all the ways he had been kept in the dark and made a fool of. His imagination ran riot, and he wanted to get every last drop of “admission ” out of her.

Desperate to calm him down and get to sleep, Stacey decided to answer his questions directly hoping it would do the trick. There was no risk for her since she had nothing to hide.

But each time she answered him Jackson’s fire got stoked again. To him, it was as if she was proving that there was no smoke without fire!

How did those angry fires get started?

He was taken back to a place where his parents and grandparents had played with his mind, making him question what he saw, felt and knew with his own senses. They would mock his mind, destroy it and then put their own minds into the spot where his belonged. It was a form of cruel obliteration. He had no way of fighting for his right to his own thoughts, his own feelings and his own interpretation of events.

But now, as an adult, he wasn’t going to allow that anymore. He was going to fight tooth and nail for the truth of his own reality, even if he had to take his relationship to the brink of destruction.

Stacey on the other hand was taken back to a place of being a ‘naughty girl’ and getting spanked by her dad when she broke a rule and tried to hide it from her parents. Getting caught was humiliating and negated her as a person. When Jackson accused her of keeping secrets about her other romantic partners, it felt as if she were being treated like that naughty girl who should own up to her bad deeds, take the punishment, feel ashamed and behave!

Both were experiencing the destabilizing feeling of having their minds messed with.

Both got furious and wanted their reality and truth to win out. But they reacted differently. Jackson went into offensive mode and Stacey responded in the defensive mode.

After a while exhaustion set in. Jackson couldn’t keep up the desperate attempt to have his experience verified, and Stacey failed in her quest to defend herself. They went off to their corners until the next bell of suspicion brought them back into the boxing ring.

Name calling and labeling cooled them off

Stacey sloughed it off by calling Jackson jealous and paranoid.

Jackson stepped back by thinking of Stacey as ‘out there,’ without appropriate standards of behavior.

Then they would miss each other and start talking again, enjoying the exciting connection they enjoyed when they first met – until Stacey’s interaction with a guy from her past started the whole ball of suspicion rolling again. Jackson threatened to leave and Stacey tried to appease him. They couldn’t go on like this for much longer.

Couples therapy helped tease out the addictive quality of their relationship

Jackson couldn’t rage at his family members when they messed with his mind, BUT HE CAN NOW, when Stacey‘s actions push those same buttons.

Stacey couldn’t rage at her father when he spanked her and made her feel humiliated, BUT SHE CAN NOW, when Jackson pushes provokes her in the same spot.

Each of them felt powerful when they got enraged, and that was addictive. It made them want to continue the cycle so that they could feel the surge and 'high' that rageful power gives. After a respite to recharge their physical batteries, they were at it again.

Once they realized how this addicition kept fueling each other’s dormant fires, they began to feel less personally persecuted, and humiliated. They learned to understand the triggers for one and other and make allowances, without fighting to the death for their version of reality to prevail. Both were real and valid and important.

Couples therapy helped calm the rage as they processed their experiences of having their minds messed with, allowing them to have a more authentic relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Ray Rice and his wife in couples therapy

Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

The sounds of begging and pleading for another chance fell on32-year-old Trudy’s deaf ears. Her 35-year-old husband Max had promised to stop using alcohol and drugs umpteen times, but he never got sober for more than a day or two. She had been let down too often, and now needed to protect herself from being seduced by those pitiful eyes, and his attentive ways.

Enraged at losing Trudy and their 5 year old daughter Sasha, Max spent most of his time enraged that he couldn’t get Trudy to listen to him. There was no other woman for him. He wanted her to pick him up when he was down and do the same for her. The only problem was that he remembered the good times and she remembered the bad times.

Owning up to his misdeeds wasn’t a problem for Max.

In fact the sooner he admitted fault, the sooner Trudy's heart would soften and he would get the gentle loving he yearned for. He openly admitted that he wasn’t reliable and didn’t act responsibly. But when Trudy accused him of not being emotionally available for his family he exploded! Those accusations made him feel completely misunderstood. But when he tried to put her straight, she just talked over him, shutting him down. Rage built up and out came the bad language, accusing Trudy of never seeing any good in him and making him feel worse, when he was already owning his stuff and making efforts to improve.

Other times Max broke down in tears of helplessness. Trudy responded by bucking him up only to then get enraged herself and hold him accountable for the things he did that had wounded her – and that still stung.

“What about the time you left Sasha alone in bathroom while you went to get high?”

“You weren’t there when I made dinner, night after night!”

“Your place was full of drugs when I brought Sasha to see you! What if I get labelled a negligent parent for leaving her with you in that place?”

Max wanted comfort and numbness of his bad feelings, but he was treated like a naughty boy who needed to acknowledge his sins

She became the authority figure reminding him about his transgressions just when he was vulnerable, making him squirm in shame. The shame turned to guilt, and guilt fueled anger. Max exploded again. This time it was be more like a tantrum, destroying things around him, just as Trudy’s way of interacting had crushed him.

During his most vulnerable moments with Trudy, Max wanted her comfort and understanding, but he got a reminder of how bad he could be. The experience felt like abandonment.

Max wanted Trudy to be there and know how wretched he felt, but he felt scolded. She wasn’t there in the way he needed, adding to his sense of abandonment.

When Max tried to defend himself against her recalling his past bad actions, she shut him down by talking over him. He felt abandoned again, because he was alone in his world, while she had flown to another.

Max didn’t help himself by exploding each time he felt abandoned. All he did was make Trudy feel more righteous in keeping her distance.

Abandonment anger is explosive and tenacious.

So how can Max control his rage and then have a meaningful relationship with Trudy?

1. First he has to cry out his deep wound of abandonment instead of using drugs, alcohol and Trudy as plasters. He needs to mourn the loss of having someone reliable to fill that empty emotional hole. Until and unless he does that, he will always “use”, while desperately attempting to get Trudy to step in there, so he doesn’t have to feel the pain.

2. Max needs to learn how to express his feelings in words rather than just explode when he can’t get through. In order to express feelings he has to be willing to feel them – not numb them with substances or get Trudy to put her finger over the hole! That’s where therapy comes in. Getting in touch with the hurt, pain, rage and fear of being alone and abandoned requires a therapeutic relationship of trust, safety and learning where he is accepted and tolerated – so that shame doesn’t undo him.

3. Next Max can learn the vocabulary of feelings and describe them accurately as he feels them, writing them down as a story or letter to Trudy, Sasha or whomever he is feelings things for and about. Research has demonstrated the value of writing about experiences to help calm the anger and become more coherent.

4. Lastly, Max can learn in therapy how to do reality checks. He needs to discover whether he just wants to be rescued as a way of receiving love (co-dependency) or whether he wants a relationship of equality and true partnership. He can reflect on this as events arise with his therapist and then make a commitment to a healthier way of life. Rage will be needed no more.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

AUTHOR OF 'Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships."

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

FOUR FALSE PREMISES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY AND STRESSED.

1. You expect loved ones to read your mind.

When you are full of anger and rage that your loved ones don't treat you with respect or consideration, chances are you expect them to read your mind. You are sure that they know what's going on for you and deliberately ignore it, making you suffer.

That's what's make you angry and unloving.

2.  You believe that your loved ones know what you want and when you want it.

So you don't figure stuff out for yourself. You don't take the trouble to work out exactly what you want and why, leaving you in an unsettled place, angry that your loved one is not doing the job you assigned them.

So you blame them and push them away by spewing out all their faults.

3. You shouldn't have to feel the discomfort of sensing your needs.

When your loved ones don't instantly tune into your needs you get angry, because now you have to actually feel those needs and put them into words. But that is shameful, so you switch your focus to preparing a litany of their faults. Much more comfortable to see the evil in them than the shame of feeling needy in yourself.

So you start accusing them of all the wrongs they have ever done you and push them away even further from ever being able to see and meet your needs.

4. You believe that it's justified to punish your loved ones for not taking care of you even though you haven't told them what you want.

When you feel aggreived, you want to punish and feel strong by avenging yourself.

So you shut the door to all communication, give your loved ones the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. You are icy on the outside but smoulder on the inside.

5. You beleive that loved ones aren't human when they fail you.

When your loved ones fail to sense your needs and take care of your feelings before they become intolerable, you forget that what you really want it to feel close and connect – to be important and meaningful in their lives- intimate in an exclusive way.  Anger blinds you to your true purpose and all you want to do is to obliterate those who make you feel so insignificant.

So you use your anger to obliterate your humanity and that of your loved ones. You can't feel for them or yourself. Destruction is the only option.

NOW YOU CAN USE THESE FIVE WAYS TO COUNTER THAT ANGER AND TRANSFORM IT INTO LOVING CONNECTIONS

1. STOP EXPECTING YOUR LOVED ONES TO READ YOUR MIND

2. BE CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT FROM A LOVED ONE

3. SPELL OUT YOUR NEEDS, NOT THEIR FAULTS

4. FEEL STRONG BY OPENING DOORS OF COMMUNICATION, RATHER THAN POWERFUL BY PRESENTING THE COLD SHOULDER

5. REMEMBER THAT YOUR GOAL IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND CARED FOR – SO PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND MAKE IT HAPPEN. START GETTING A GLIMPSE OF WHERE THEY ARE AT AND THEN THEY WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.