Anger, Stress and Anxiety Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Have you ever felt that your loved one took out their anger, frustration and anxiety out on you?

Do feel like a walking target for your family member’s angst with the world, just because you are there?

Maybe you have spoken up and said that you don’t want to be their dustbin and or punching bag, and yet it has stayed exactly the same. You continue to feel the butt of your loved ones stress and worry and anger that their world isn’t right. There is a constant undercurrent of tension and conflict in your relationship and you can’t seem to fix it.

There is an explanation for your partner taking it out on you.

It all hinges on your loved ones Generalized Anxiety Disorder,  (GAD). This disorder is the cause of more marital conflict than any other major anxiety or mood disorder. Those who suffer from it worry constantly, but the way they express it in their personal relationships varies. Research, reported in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 2011 describes four different styles of interaction that GAD sufferers use, impacting marital conflict.

You may be seriously impacted by your partner’s way of showing their anxiety, and if you recognize it in one of the examples below, you can use that information to manage your conflicts more peacefully.

 

Anxiety Style 1 – Cold and Harsh

Anxious about being accepted into the elite management group at his Internet Company, 33-year-old Noah seemed to walk around with a permanent frown, living in a world of his own.  His 32-year-old wife Tori, a pastry chef at her own café, complained of being met with angry and mean remarks when she tried to engage him in day-to-day conversation. Tori didn’t know what she had done to deserve being treated this way, especially as she had been the one to encourage and support him in his efforts to climb his career ladder. She had made allowances day-in and- day-out when he didn’t join in family activities, busying himself with boning up for work hurdles. It hurt her deeply that she was carrying the weight of family life, and it wounded her in an already sore spot – her need for physical contact. His words of attack were the only thing she received, and it stung.

Noah is a great example of a person with GAD who expresses his anxiety in his most intimate relationships by being cold, and harsh. In his place of heightened anxiety, the world seems a threatening and unpredictable place. Any change in his experience of the world could make him feel inadequate, unacceptable and a complete failure. So he had to make sure no one, especially his wife, could penetrate his safe zone. Tori had a way of finding just that spot that made him feel like a loser, and all those other awful feelings cascaded like a gushing waterfall, drowning him in fear and shame about not cutting it.

His cold way of expressing anxiety turned the couple in warring factions. They were constantly on guard for a surprise attack, armored up to take the blow. Not a good recipe for togetherness, tenderness or touch.

Solution: Talk to him about his fear of failure and sense of inadequacy. As soon as you name it you can discuss the impact it has on each of you, coming up with healthier ways of feeling good enough. Go to couples therapy and discuss the impact on the relationship – open up a dialogue and learn a new language to talk about rather than fight about the hash and cold way anxiety destroys the relationship.

 

Anxiety Style 2 – Intrusive

Looking forward to having her partner home after the work day, twenty-nine-year-old home maker Kendra, texted Romero, her 31-year-old man and asked if he was on his way. He didn’t respond because he was in a meeting. Kendra’s anxiety kicked into high gear. It was as if she was invisible and forgotten about. Her texts became more urgent, fast and furious, using up that adrenalin caused by the anxiety. When he finally got home, she kept asking if he was okay, and whether he liked her hair, the food she made, the DVD set she bought for him; desperate for an update on whether he was “okay” – and therefore available to him.

He found it all exasperating, and ignored her frantic efforts to pierce his personal space and invade him. But his shield only made Kendra’s anxiety worse. She kept intruding on him – in the bathroom as he got washed and changed and then again as he ate. There was no room for him to unwind and relax. Eventually he blew his top and went into his home office, put on his headphones and watched a movie online. Kendra became frantic. She needed to be center stage in his mind, but at every turn he was avoiding her. Within ten minutes Romero was interrupted with the news that the faucet sink was leaking, that their DVD player wasn’t working and umpteen ‘check-ins’ about whether he wanted a coffee.

Kendra is an example of a person with GAD whose anxiety comes out in a way that intrudes on their significant others personal space, thoughts and actions. The intention is to take their partner’s attention away from everything else, and put the focus on the anxious one, creating a feeling of security and safety as the attachment feels more real. However her way of doing it unsettled Romero, who instead of finding a way to reassure and comfort her with a connection, escaped instead. Kendra’s manner of addressing her anxiety backfired, causing conflict and distancing. Hardly conducive to a warm and empathic couple relationship.

Solution: Become a mirror for Kendra’s fear that she doesn’t exist unless she is in your face. Each time she intrudes tell her that she is anxious you will forget her, and then give her times when you are available to help her feel more secure. Go to couples therapy and learn about the triggers that make her anxious and intrusive and how your responses may reinforce rather than calm it.

Anxiety Style 3 – Nonassertive

Seeing her 10-year old daughter scolded by her dad, Tamara, a 28-year-old medical insurance agent felt anxious. One part of her wanted to comfort her daughter Holly who had lied about her homework, but a bigger part of her didn’t want to get involved. She was anxious about upsetting her 31-year-old husband Liam, a film set gopher, and losing his love. She stayed quiet and got on with clearing up after the evening meal. Her heart raced when her daughter asked her to take her side. She opted out, being non-committal. When Liam attempted to get her to back him up, she wriggled out, not wanting to be part of the parental discipline machine.

Holly felt let down and betrayed by her mother’s apparently uncaring attitude, while Liam was furious about being turned into the ‘bad cop’ parent. He was disappointed and felt alone in the parenting arena.

However awkward the sensation of being noncommittal, Tamara avoided the consequences of upsetting or hurting the two people she loved most in the world. She allowed them to call the tune and went along with whoever was ‘driving’ the scene in the moment. If Tamara wanted to go to the mall, then that’s where they went. If Liam yelled at her for not putting gas in the car, she allowed it, apologizing rather than sharing where she was coming from. Her anxiety about losing the thread of connection with her loved ones, turned her into a placid ‘non-person,’ allowing them to control her life.

Tamara is an example of a person with GAD who deals with her anxiety about upsetting and therefore losing loved ones by being nonassertive – effectively eliminating herself as a separate person with a mind of her own. She believes that if she stands up for herself no one will tolerate it and she will be abandoned. However, her stance simply makes them angry, disappointed, resentful and upset that they don’t have a partner or a parent! A poor set of ingredients for a strong, healthy and resilient adult romantic partnership.

Solution: Show Tamara that you are aware of her fear that she might lose you if she showed up as a person in her own right. Tell her that by not showing up she is the one cutting the ties! Go to couples therapy and learn how to encourage her assertiveness in a safe way.

 

Anxiety Style 4 – Exploitable

Logan, a 27-year-old mechanical engineer hated bureaucracy. He put off renewing licenses, filling out administrative paper work, and most of all he loathed anything having to do with lawyers and courts. When it came to claiming on insurance for out of pocket medical bills, or household losses, he couldn’t face it. The thought of any interaction with these agencies made him feel anxious, inept and overwhelmed.  

His partner Michelle, a 30-year-old grant writer got upset when Logan left things till the last minute and then got really worried, coming to her to sort things out. His anxiety made him nauseous, his hands shook, and to all intents and purposes he was debilitated. Concerned for Logan, she tended to his discomfort and soothed him by telling him she would take care of things. She completed all the transactions that needed to be done if they weren’t going to be without insurance, or be penalized for late payments.

Logan is a person who expresses his anxiety about not feeling competent or adequate to exploit loved ones into caring of him, so he can rely on them and feel secure.

His anxiety is relieved as soon as he can depend on Michelle to take over and make him feel okay about it.

Logan is relieved of his anxiety two-fold. First he got the reassurance and loving concern he needed when Michelle attended to his nauseous feelings, and trembling. Second, he managed to pass on his jobs and have them completed.

From Michelle’s point of view, her initial concern for Logan turns into annoyance, a feeling of being used, and eventually resentment and hate. Their relationship becomes one where Logan is dependent on Michelle. It is out of balance and unstable.

Solution: As soon as you become aware that you are being pulled into doing things that Logan has left undone and that are now urgent, remember that it is a sign of being exploited by his anxiousness. Let him know that you know he is depending on you to take care of things, and that you will for now. Go to couples therapy and start a conversation about Logan’s dependency needs so that he no longer has to get nauseous and tremble to justify them. Talk about your needs and how you want them fulfilled, so that you both get to a place of interdependency – a healthy balance.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Do you feel frustrated and angry when other people like you, and see your worth, BUT your partner thinks you are a waste of space and is always complaining about you?

Why be pushed and pulled, when you know who you really are and like it?

All you get is insomnia, anxiety, pain and suffering.

Maybe you have a wish that one day your partner will stop being blind and see what a treasure you are, and be eternally grateful!

You know that it is unlikely.  You can hope and wait for ever, OR you can take steps to fulfill that wish yourself.

Being assertive makes you self-empowered, which in turn grounds and centers your sense of self. You don't rely on your partner or others defining you.

This video tells you how to do that by following 2 steps, on a consistent basis. Do it for yourself or work with me individually so that you can end your suffering.

 

 

 

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this video is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Juliette was at the end of her rope

Working as a risk management specialist for a large medical group was getting 36-year-old Juliette down. She was exhausted and had no energy left for her husband, 38-year-old Elliot and their 5 and 6 year old children Aden and Mara. She hated having to work, but was the only breadwinner. The pressure on Juliette made her depressed. All she wanted to do was to sleep. She left the chores to her Elliot who attended to them with pride, seeing them as his contribution to the family.

Even when she was awake, Juliette felt fatigued and disinterested in playing with her kids. She preferred to look on as Elliot engaged them in cycling, swimming and ball games. She was easily upset when things didn’t go right with the family, and felt useless as a mother, sister and wife. Depression had taken hold, and Juliette was steeped in a lack of self-worth. Her anger at having to be the breadwinner was buried in the depression, as was her disappointment and resentment towards her husband for not taking on that role.

The happiness Elliot felt taking care of the home and family was tainted by his anxiety about Juliette’s depression. He was scared that if she got worse and couldn’t work, he would be forced to step into the breach! Since losing his sales job three years ago, he had given up looking for other opportunities having had little response and numerous applications rejected. He had settled into being the primary care taker, but Juliette’s depression was stirring up fears again. Frantic efforts to cheer up his wife, and fix whatever problems she talked about didn’t make things any easier. She just got more and more morose and shut down, hoping that he would take up the baton and support the family.

 

They didn’t talk about Juliette’s depression or about Elliot’s anxiety that he would have to get a job if she didn’t pull herself together. They were caught in a vicious cycle where Juliette’s depression made her more dependent on Elliot to take care of parenting, housework and the children’s school issues. The more dependent Juliette became the more Elliot countered that he couldn’t get a job because he was burdened with all the child care and household management!

Depression promotes stress about not being able to cope, resulting in poor romantic relationship outcomes, says a study reported in Clinical Psychology Review, 2010.

Another study reported in Communication Monographs, 2015 monitored the communication between romantic couples where one partner was depressed.  They found that depressed members of a romantic partnership avoided talking about the depression and how it impacted their relationship, as well as about the relationship itself.  The uncertainty about the status of the relationship was the primary reason for avoidance. Women were less likely than men to talk about the depression, exacerbating the uncertainty in the relationship.

Depressed people like Juliette are motivated to avoid negative outcomes and often use avoidance as a way of managing their relationship problems. Although it may ease the stress in the moment of choosing avoidance, over the long term, there is a price to pay. Opportunities to practice interpersonal skills are removed. Chances to deepen bonds through understanding and empathy are neglected, leading to and interpretation of each other’s behavior in increasingly negative ways.  The threats to their identity as individuals and members of a couple are never faced and resolved, adding to the stress, and deepening the depression, as reported in an article in Clinical Psychology Review, 2011

A depressed partner may take anti-depressants like SSRI’s (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Cimbalta, Effexor, Celexa etc.) and still not get any better. A recent study reported in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Feb. 9, 2015 found that stress prevents the medication from doing its job, making the depression even worse. This study described the ‘punishment center of the brain’ (lateral habenula) that rules, making a person feel down on themselves and more depressed.

Put that together with a finding that placebo pills were as good if not better than anti-depressants in affecting mood (Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics. 2010) we have a perfect storm of bad feeling and estrangement between a romantic couple. Putting Juliette on anti-depressants won’t make her better, nor will it remove the cause for her depression. She needs to be depressed to push her husband into being the breadwinner.

 

 

So what can this couple do with this awful situation?

 

Attend couples therapy and begin the process of implementing these 6 essential steps

• Discuss their expectations of each other.
• Express their disappointments, fears and anger at one another for the roles they are forced to adopt.
• Discuss the depression, it’s purpose and impact on the family, including the rage Juliette suppressed, about having to be the one supporting the family when she really wanted to be the one taken care of.
• Explore coping mechanisms for the relationship stress by noticing the trigger points.
• Begin the process of sharing parenting and household tasks
• Shift Elliot from feeling “forced” to get a job, to “wanting” to get a job

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Arguing with your Spouse About Mother-in-law Problems Makes you Angry and Stressed

 

The power of a mother-in-law to interfere in a marriage causes intense negative feelings that can destroy the spousal bounds

Angela and Josh a newly married couple were at logger heads about Angela's mother telling him how to treat and take care of her daughter.  She kept calling and texting him about Angela's food needs, her anxieties, her need to get pregnant and the need for child to be a son.  Josh tried to talk to Angela about his distaste for being told how to be a good husband by his mother-in-law, but Angela secretly smiled. She was thrilled that her mother was on Josh's back to do the 'right thing' by her, because she was too scared to do it herself. She loved that her mother was her champion, and whipping up her husband to do the same.

What Angela didn't appreciate was that Josh was feeling emasculated and furious. He was angry about the temerity of his mother-in-law to tell him what to do, as if he knew nothing of his wife's needs. He was fuming that he wasn't given a chance to find his feet in his new role as a husband., But most of all he was livid that his wife enjoyed seening him as a puppet controlled by her mother. Lurking underneath all that rage was shame – making him feel small, powerless and inadequate.

 

Caught Between His Bossy Mother-in-law and His Uncaring Wife, Josh Buckled Under the Stress

Josh's anger made him want to punish Angela. He wanted her to feel the threat of losing him, and he withdrew. He couldn't take the feeling of being helpless to manage his mother-in-law without upsetting his wife and feeling like he was to blame for causing friction in his new marriage.

Feeling Trapped Between a Rock and a Hard Place Creates More Stress Because Josh Keeps His Anger Hidden

Telling his mother-in-law nicely to back off didn't work. She was too strong a personality and insisted that she needed to help him be a good husband – and that without her he would fail – just like her husband failed her – and she wasn't going to let that happen to her precious daughter.

Getting his wife to speak up on his behalf didn't work either. She didn't see why it was such a problem, and told him that he should be grateful to her mother for giving him such good advice!

What are Josh's Options?

1. He can continue keeping silent and seethe inside as he allows himself to be disempowered.

Risk – he might cheat or take a mistress who allows him full control. He may conquer his shame by feeling his power in another relationship.

Benefit – he doesn't upset the applecart of mother-daughter alliance against his entitlement to be a full partner in the marriage, excluding the third party of his mother-in-law.

 

2. He can let the stress get to him by getting sick – then his wife might refocus her lens on him and their marriage.

Risk – the shift in focus will probably be short lived. His wife and mother-in-law may join forces and continue their close relationship, leaving him on the sidelines.

Benefit – he doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, and still hopes that Angela would choose him over her mother.

 

3. He can decide that he isn't going to be ousted from his rightful place in the marriage, and reclaim his position and power by telling his wife what he wants

Risk – his wife may have a small tantrum, and his mother-in-law may have a huge tantrum. He might feel guilty and scared that he won't be able to pull it off.

Benefit – he gets his wife to redraw the boundaries between her mother and herself, committing to Josh and their marriage.

 

WHICH SOLUTION DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WORK BEST?

Yes, you are right, the one where Josh reclaims his wife and makes the marriage a priority.

What shoud have happened before the marriage?

Mothers-in-laws can't intefere in a marriage unless there is a huge hole through which she can enter and divide a a couple that wern't really a strong and united coulple in the first place. Ideally the couple should have formed a bond that made their union solid and made it known to all other family members that no one could come in and operate with either of them in ways that they had done before. Josh and Angela had not shifted their allegience from family to each other fully enough, so Angela's mother had a wide berth.

HOW DOES IT WORK OUT?

1. Once Josh takes ownership of his role in taking care of Angela, his demeanor and attitude will give off the message that his mother-in-law is no longer the boss.

2. Then Angela receives the same message and invests in her husband as a good partner and care taker. She relinquishes her primary tie with her mother and makes it with Josh.

3. Next Josh and Angela work on making their union water tight. They agree to express their needs, fears, wishes and disappointments directly to one another, so they can fine tune their relationship while it is still new and maleable. They get to avoid resentment and hate building up and making them sick or tearing the marriage into a battle zone.

4. Josh and Angela give each other the chance to repair hurts, understand and empathize with each other's unfulfilled needs and frustrations, while navigating their way towards a more wholesome connection. That enables them to grieve their losses and move on.

5. The couple learn to read each other's body language and signals for care and become the go to people for one another. They learn from their mistakes rather than bury them.

6. Both Angela and Josh make a pact to tell each other what they feel, need, want and expect at the time that they are aware of it. That's how they avoid building up anxiety and stress related insomnia.

7. Finally, Josh and Angela make sure that any holes that might appear in their relationship are noticed and promptly sewn up by attending to the issues – underlying negative emotional experiences that are bubbling beneath the surface. Taking preventive action rather than waiting for a crisis is a fool-proof method of never having to deal with the anger and stress of an interfering mother-in-law.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Now that Maureen a divorced medical secretary had reached her fiftieth birthday, raised her children and had a chunk of disposable income she wanted to go on cruises with her friends. But each time she thought about booking her travel plans she felt sapped of energy. Her allergies played up and she lost the will to go through with her plan. Sometimes she got as far as buying theatre tickets, but a day or two before the show she would be swamped with work and too exhausted to use them.

Unable to have what she looked forward to, Maureen became anxious and stressed. Her allergies got worse and she had to stuff herself with Benadryl just to make it through the day. She worked hard for her money and now that she didn’t have dependent children or a boyfriend, she felt entitled to use it on herself. But she was either too busy or too sick to take advantage of her good position in life. After noticing that she continually missed out on her dreams, Maureen got angry and felt deprived. She felt as if life was taunting her with goodies and then snatching them away at the very moment she reached out for them.

 

On the odd occasion that she did go out with friends and enjoy a meal she was wracked with guilt.

She came home with a massive headache and drank herself to sleep while beating herself up for being so foolish with her money. She told herself she didn’t deserve her evening out, that it was just an indulgence and she ought to have used the money to buy her granddaughter ballet classes. Maureen’s self-castigating added to her stress and worsened her allergies. No matter how much Benadryl she took she couldn’t get out of bed and lay there depressed, feeling unworthy.

 

Research Evidence About Stress and Allergies

What Maureen didn’t realize was that antihistamines like Benadryl isn’t effective for stress that is long term or that peaks on particular days, according to researchers from Ohio University, 2008, and others, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2009.

A report in Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology,  2014 indicates that allergies are exacerbated by actual stress and perceived or anticipated stress, and recommends relaxing and doing fun things, meditating and deep breathing exercises to reduce stress in order to minimize its effect on allergies. But the troube is that stress caused by long term emotional problems don’t respond to these remedies.

Maureen’s source of stress was way back in her childhood

Growing up in a large family, Maureen had never felt seen and wanted. Shuttled from her parents to her grandparents and then aunts and uncles when it suited her carers, she longed to prove her value. She excelled in school and used her smarts to get jobs at the weekend to earn money and buy stuff for herself and family members. She didn’t want to feel like a burden, and enjoyed taking care of others. Basically she bought herself a place in their good books. That’s what made her feel good, and when she spent money on herself it didn’t give her that same sense of value and self-worth.

So Maureen filled most of her waking hours busy – as far away as possible from her feelings of not being wanted and loved for who she was. The long term stress that she endured wasn’t easy to manage. She read self-help books when she couldn’t sleep at nights. She bought meditation DVD’s and tried Yoga a few times before she felt guilty about working on herself and reverted back to her routine.

It wasn’t until she couldn’t shut out the fear of not being loved just for herself any longer that she came to therapy. Nothing distracted her from the palpitations and breathlessness that she experienced on waking up and during here working day. Physical checkups revealed no problems with her heart or lungs and Maureen was left with having to face the fears and the guilt about wanting to have a good time but believing that she didn’t deserve it in the eyes of her family.

In psychotherapy we worked on Maureen’s terror of being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and anger about her childhood. Putting words to them and feeling them in the presence of someone who understood her dilemmas gave her permission to value herself for who she was and not just for how well she took care of others at work or in her family. Gradually her stress levels abated and her allergies subsided. She is now able to handle yoga and meditation without the terror that her suppressed feelings would overwhelm her if her mind was at rest.

Take the stress quiz

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

For the seventh time in less than a minute twenty-five year old Denise, a proof reader, found herself checking that she had marked the page she ended on before she closed the book. Each time she put the book down and tried to get out of her chair a huge wave of anxiety and panic swept over her. She couldn’t be sure she had marked the last page she had read and that meant that she would have to start the book all over again. As the panic washed over her she ‘knew’ that she had marked the page but she wasn’t positive until she had checked again. A blanket of relief came over her when she found the page marked, but it was instantly replaced by another dose of doubt that started the checking cycle all over again. It was as if she couldn’t hold on to that proof for more than a Nano second. Irritation and annoyance gave her a break from the anxiety and panic, but she was exhausted with these obsessive doubts, and her compulsive checking.

Feeling fatigued and depleted of energy Denise had no desire to go to her twenty-five year old sister Eileen’s birthday party. She just wanted to stay home and veg out. Just two hours ago she had been looking forward to the party. She had thought about what to wear and imagined playing with her two-year old niece Shelly and her one year old nephew Felix. But now it just seemed too much of a burden. 

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

One set of OCD syptoms lessened only to start up another set of OCD symptoms

The more she thought of the effort she would have to make to get ready and drive over to her sister’s place the more she started to worry about the notes she made as she did her proof reading. Were they complete? Were they legible? Would she be able to remember the nuanced points she needed to highlight as she prepared her final draft? The thoughts became so loud in her head that she had to go back and check all her notes, and not just the ones she had made that day. Panic drove her to check and recheck the entire set of notes she had made since starting the book, all the way to the penultimate chapter that she was now on.

Denise was consumed by the job. There was a mild rush of anxiety as she checked each page of notes, scanning for legibility and errors. But overall there was a massive sense of relief, as if she’d just been dropped into a soft feather bed. She felt weightless and free despite the rumblings of anxiety about her notes. By the time she had finished it was late and the party would be coming to an end.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Obsessive thoughts rescued Denise from having to face her envy of Eileen

The obsessive thoughts and compulsive acts had made Denise uncomfortable in the moment but they saved her from a fate much worse. For years she had been envious of her sister. Eileen had been the golden girl doing everything in life at the expected time and being praised for it by her parents. Denise was less outgoing and yearned for a slower pace of life. She found some peace and comfort when Eileen got married and moved out. She and her parents enjoyed their time, doing stuff together without any pressure on her to grow up and be like her sister. But then the first grandchild came along and her mother in particular was enchanted. She spent more and more time with Shelly and then when Felix came along both grandparents built their lives around Eileen and the grandkids. Denise’s comfortable existence was shattered.

 

Suppressed anger often leads to Obsessive Compulsive (OC) symptoms

She was angry and frightened at having to go it alone. Eileen had a smooth transition from home to marriage and family, but Denise was thrown in at the deep end and her rage was enormous. But the shame of her envy and anger was overwhelming. She couldn’t live with it choking her every waking moment. She couldn’t get rid of it either, so the only safe compromise was to distract herself from the envy and rage – by focusing on checking and rechecking her work. It did the trick since she never felt bad about her sister or the loss of her parents company. That took care of the stress that otherwise threatened to swallow her up.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why on earth would OCD be useful?

Obsessive Compulsive behaviors often come to rescue you from anger and rage that feels shameful and destructive. An article in the Journal Cognitive Therapy and Research 2004 reported that people high in OC symptoms tended to experience more anger than those without OC behaviors. They also had greater difficulty controlling the anger and suppressed it as a way of managing the negative experience of their rage.

Another piece of research published in the Industrial Psychology Journal in 2001 showed that people with OC symptoms experience attacks of anger that become intolerable and result in depression to quiet it down.

 

OCD Therapy – Denise went to therapy from time to get relief from the exhaustion and annoyance of her OC symptoms. Each time she tried out the strategies of self-talk and refocusing it worked for a short time and then just like her OC it came back as strong as ever. But what did eventually make the OC go away was when Denise was able to feel safe enough to deal with her anger, envy and shame in therapy. Taking the risk of feeling those awful feelings freed her from the need to screen them, hide from them and ruin her life in the process. So when you want to know how to cure OCD think of the long term, go in for the long haul and deal with all the unbearable emotions that OCD may cover up and you will be free.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You might also like:

Understanding your panic attacks, part 1 – facing your dilemas

Understanding your panic attacks, part 2 – getting past shame

Understanding your panic attack, part 3 – fear of going it alone

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Do you panic when you can't control your anger despite going to anger management classes?

Do you hate yourself when you fly off the handle and act like someone from your past that you have tried so hard to avoid?

Is your explosive anger destroying your important relationships and items of expensive equipment that you value?

Is the anxiety about failing now bigger than the anger itself?

Are you ready to really deal with the anger rather than just bury it, whip it into shape or squish it?

Then watch this video and learn how I helped someone do just that after he had tried and failed at using the cognitive strategies taught at anger management classes which ignored his emotional traumas of the past.

Learn how to notice the hair line triggers that spark your intense anger and express it in a safe way that honors its origins, because if you don't it will simple grow into a bigger monster.

Take the stress out of trying to control your anger by using the successful techniques I taught my client that helped him link his past and present together to make his future calmer so that he could believe in himself again.

 

 

 

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

 

You might also like:

Work on anger issues to help your relationships

Is anger the only way you can whip people into loving you?

Five ways to use angry energy to empower yourself

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Just the thought of being anxious is enough to make you anxious! Who wants the worry, the knots in the stomach, the thoughts of impending doom and the urgency that compels you to prevent it? Perhaps no one consciously chooses to be anxious, but it may be best buffer against selfish, grabbing relationships.

Past experiences infect the present frothing up anxiety

Jody was a loner, loved to read and listen to music. She woke up most mornings burdened with the weight of the day ahead. She felt tired and worn out even before she began the day, anticipating what people might think of her. She was concerned with who was looking over her shoulder, waiting to accuse her of doing something wrong. She expected to encounter situations that she wouldn't be able to handle. Memories of inadvertently upsetting people in the past invaded her mind. Uncomfortable past experiences infected the present, as Jody was whipped up into a froth of palpitating anxiety.

 

 

Need for comfort and reassurance

Unable to contain herself, Jody called friends and talked, or made contact via instant messaging on the Internet. The words that her friends or contacts spoke were less important than their willingness to be there, listen, reassure and make Jody feel she mattered. Jody was able to allow herself this connection because it came at a time of dire need. As soon as she felt calmer, her need for contact diminished and she would go back to her lonely existence.

Paying a retainer to insure attention

Jody was caught in a cycle of wanting contact but not being able to tolerate it for more than a short time. As soon as Jody felt good, the same people who had been her soothers, turned into blood sucking leeches. They wanted to include her in their social lives, and share their ups and downs. They wanted her to help them out when they were stressed out, and wanted her company when they were lonely. Jody experienced this as a trap, having to put her agenda on hold in order maintain the relationship. It was worse than the anxiety attacks, because it meant having to make a choice between 'me or them!' No wonder she resented invitations to be with others. It was a retainer she had to pay in order to insure their receptiveness and attention when she was scared and anxious.

The world is made up of ' givers' and 'takers'

For Jody, the world was divided into givers and takers. When she needed contact with people she put on her 'taker' costume. The idea of being a 'taker' made her feel selfish, so she had to find a way of justifying it. Panic and anxiety to the rescue! What better reason to reach out for contact? Who would refuse to offer help in this situation? The 'giver' outfit stirred up other conflicts. It was comfortable so long as she could do so on her terms. But if she was being asked to give of herself on other people's schedule, it smacked of being used, abused and sucked dry. Jody feared that others would deplete her reserves, leaving her the dregs of protest and exhaustion.

Anxiety regulates intimacy

How come Jody views relationship through such a dismal lens? Because genuine closeness and intimacy was terrifying. It meant that she would have to give and get, see and be seen, and be in an equal partnership. This was too scary, so she used her anxiety as a way of making just enough connection with others to satisfy her basic human needs. When the need for closeness had been met, she pulled away. As soon as the need for closeness recurred anxiety was a sure fire way of getting it back, just long enough to reduce the fear of being alone. Anxiety was Jody's way of regulating closeness with loved ones.

 

 

Caught in the repetitive cycle of anxiety

When making and maintaining relationships is a strain, anxiety allows you to reach out and be connected to another person. It provides the impetus for you to ask for support, comfort, company and acceptance. It gives you the opportunity to check if you are lovable, worth being with, and worthy of being taken care of. The comfort is temporary, ensuring that you continue to use anxiety attacks to replenish the stock of love-ability.

Learning to trust turns anxiety off

All the meditation and relaxation techniques in the world will not help if anxiety is your glue to relate with others. Exploring the origins of your anxiety and what purpose it is serving will be the biggest gift you give yourself, and the first step you take towards a less anxious existence. The second step is developing trust in people you interact with. Trust sets the stage for experiencing connections as rewarding rather than abusive and manipulative. It's a big risk, requires courage and a yearning for mutually supportive relationships. Psychotherapy can turn the 'me or them' script into a dialogue of 'us' that takes the stickiness out of anxiety glue.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Sleep Deprivation May Cost Meredith her Job

The future of Meredith's business depended on one simple thing. Getting a good night's sleep. If she wasn't on the ball, she would lose the marketing contract for a prestigious corporate firm. There was no way Meredith was going to let that happen. She couldn't afford to jeopardize her image as the whiz that put the "wow" factor into her designs.

Mistakes Piled up As Meredith Slowed Down

Simple jobs that took fifteen minutes now seemed to take over two hours and slowed down the entire creative process. Colleagues withdrew as she became increasingly irritable and impatient. Meredith tried to compensate by putting in longer hours but that made matters worse. Her work load increased as mistakes piled up. She had to face the fact that her erratic sleep pattern was having a disastrous effect on her performance.

The Fight To Be In Control Of Sleep

Bad habits were the first under attack. No more caffeine after 5:00 p.m. No more eating or drinking four hours before bed time. No more watching television or working in bed. Meredith followed these sleep hygiene rules with meticulous precision. That made her feel in charge as she imagined herself on top of her game at work.

Frustration When Nothing Worked

But sleep didn't come. Every minute that Meredith stayed awake seemed like an hour and each hour made her cry with frustration. It was so annoying that all her 'good behavior' went unrewarded. Self-help books, radio docs and alternative medicine gurus recommended meditation, exercise, natural supplements, herbal teas, acupuncture and 'giving up' the desire to sleep! None of them did the trick. The only thing left were prescription meds. The thought of getting addicted and dealing with a bunch of unknown side effects was a lot scarier than dealing with sleep deprivation.

Meredith Faces Her Biggest Fear – Failure

Horror movies played out in Meredith's imagination as she strove to get through those unbearably slow nights. The feature film title was failure. She won the Oscar for her masterful characterizations of losers and dummies, while Anxiety and fear won for best producer and director.

 

Anxiety Gripped Her Mind and Body

The big day arrived. The day she had to put together the final design proposal. Meredith couldn't get out of bed. She was in a paralytic stupor, her heart was pounding and her hands and feet sweated. Her body refused to budge. No amount of urging herself to 'get over it 'relieved the extreme anxiety that gripped her mind and body. Shamefully she called her partner with the news that she couldn't make it to the meeting.

The Slave Driver  Perfectionist Voice Breaks Meredith's Emotional Skeleton

Meredith was indeed sick. Her difficulty sleeping and staying asleep through the night was a red flag that something was wrong. The foundation supporting the A-plus performance had been collapsing for some time. Her emotional muscles had cramped and seized long ago but she bypassed their messages. The only voice she heard was "you have to do everything right, all the time, or else you are a failure." Without muscles to operate the bones, her emotional skeleton fractured. She became irritable, snappy and a pain to work with. Yet Meredith insisted on listening only to that rigid voice " you must be better than everyone else, or you are just a waste of space." She worked longer, harder and forced herself to try and sleep.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Meredith Finally Gets the Message

The inability to flip the switch to sleep mode made her furious. That's why her eyes stayed open. It was the only weapon guaranteed to make her 'see.' It worked. She got the message that she couldn't treat her mind and body as slaves to some ideal without killing them off.

Accepting Her Limitations

The accumulation of disrupted sleep, paralysis and anxiety attacks gave Meredith a large dose of exactly what she couldn't tolerate in herself – frailty, weakness and lack of control. Her inflexible demands and unrealistic expectations came crashing down. A major reconfiguration was underway whether she liked it or not. She learned to accept her human limitations the hard way.

Anxiety Leads To Sleep Problems

Sleep problems are often due to anxiety. The anxiety comes from unreasonable expectations of your performance within relationships and at work. Worry about creating a bad impression or losing someone important become a vicious cycle of anxiety and fear. Your energies are diverted to deal with the anxiety leaving you bereft of your inspiration, intelligence, and inventiveness – and of course sleep. If you want to be a winner and get a good night's sleep, delineate your specific job and keep it under your direct control, then execute it to the best of your ability.

Getting the Mind and Body in Synch

Taking on the appropriate load allows your body and mind to give you optimal performance. There is a hidden bonus. When your mind and body are in synch you radiate a confidence that increases the 'wow' response from your clients.