Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

FOUR FALSE PREMISES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY AND STRESSED.

1. You expect loved ones to read your mind.

When you are full of anger and rage that your loved ones don't treat you with respect or consideration, chances are you expect them to read your mind. You are sure that they know what's going on for you and deliberately ignore it, making you suffer.

That's what's make you angry and unloving.

2.  You believe that your loved ones know what you want and when you want it.

So you don't figure stuff out for yourself. You don't take the trouble to work out exactly what you want and why, leaving you in an unsettled place, angry that your loved one is not doing the job you assigned them.

So you blame them and push them away by spewing out all their faults.

3. You shouldn't have to feel the discomfort of sensing your needs.

When your loved ones don't instantly tune into your needs you get angry, because now you have to actually feel those needs and put them into words. But that is shameful, so you switch your focus to preparing a litany of their faults. Much more comfortable to see the evil in them than the shame of feeling needy in yourself.

So you start accusing them of all the wrongs they have ever done you and push them away even further from ever being able to see and meet your needs.

4. You believe that it's justified to punish your loved ones for not taking care of you even though you haven't told them what you want.

When you feel aggreived, you want to punish and feel strong by avenging yourself.

So you shut the door to all communication, give your loved ones the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. You are icy on the outside but smoulder on the inside.

5. You beleive that loved ones aren't human when they fail you.

When your loved ones fail to sense your needs and take care of your feelings before they become intolerable, you forget that what you really want it to feel close and connect – to be important and meaningful in their lives- intimate in an exclusive way.  Anger blinds you to your true purpose and all you want to do is to obliterate those who make you feel so insignificant.

So you use your anger to obliterate your humanity and that of your loved ones. You can't feel for them or yourself. Destruction is the only option.

NOW YOU CAN USE THESE FIVE WAYS TO COUNTER THAT ANGER AND TRANSFORM IT INTO LOVING CONNECTIONS

1. STOP EXPECTING YOUR LOVED ONES TO READ YOUR MIND

2. BE CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT FROM A LOVED ONE

3. SPELL OUT YOUR NEEDS, NOT THEIR FAULTS

4. FEEL STRONG BY OPENING DOORS OF COMMUNICATION, RATHER THAN POWERFUL BY PRESENTING THE COLD SHOULDER

5. REMEMBER THAT YOUR GOAL IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND CARED FOR – SO PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND MAKE IT HAPPEN. START GETTING A GLIMPSE OF WHERE THEY ARE AT AND THEN THEY WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most?

Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?

Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?

Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?

Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger

Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip

Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair – for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger

• The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.
• Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.
• Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.

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