Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

When you are overwhelmed and feel like you are sinking in quicksand, your body wants to flee from the threat. But your life style and schedule keep you trapped in a very a very stressful situation.

You feel out of control

You feel helpless

You feel angry and resentful

You are terrified of failing or having a breakdown

You put even more effort into trying to be perfect and get everything done the way it should be so you can meet your own high standards and expectations

You imagine others complimenting you and envying you

BUT THE STRESS GETS TO YOU AND ALL YOU WANT IS FOOD. YOU WANT THE COMFORT AND THE NUMBNESS THAT EATING CAN BRING.

YOU WANT THE CALMNESS OF AND PEACE THAT CHEWING AND TASTING AND STUFFING YOURSELF BRINGS

YOU WANT TO FILL THAT HOLE CREATED BY ALL THE ENERGY YOU LOST STRESSING OUT OVER YOUR SCHEDULE

SO YOU GO TO THE FRIDGE, YOU ORDER IN, YOU GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ALL THE JUNK FOOD YOU NEVER USUALLY ALLOW YOURSELF

YOU DESERVE IT FOR ALL THE HARD WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

EXCEPT ——————————- YOU KNOW YOU WILL REGRET IT. Why self-sabotage?

 

Here are a few ways to control emotional/stress eating:

 

1. Research, prepare and cook something good for yourself. You take care of yourself in several ways that reduce stress –

• taking time out from your routine gives your body a chance to build up reserves and recharge your battery.

• focusing on your personal needs for a while balances your psyche so that your judgement remains sharp and unimpaired.

• you give your creative processes a chance to get juiced up when you switch to thinking about choosing, buying ingredients and preparing a special meal for yourself.

• the sequence of actions that you engage in to make your meal steadies your emotional rudder, since you bring order and timing into the equation.

PLUS 1:    Being aligned with food gives the brain the message that it is being de-stressed.

PLUS 2:   You don't get more stressed by depriving yourself of the comfort of food – you just give it to yourself in a more controlled way.

The perfect balance

2. Since stress floods the bloodstream with adrenalin it's good to use it on getting all those odd jobs done that have been on your mind 

• Use up the adrenalin so that you don't feel the negative effects of stress – only to crave food in ever increasing amounts.

• You will feel accomplished and  in control – the most effective antidotes to stress.

• Your food cravings will have be satiated with the rewards of taking care of yourself and getting your house and environment in order. The neurotransmitter – dopamine – that triggers the reward centers of the brain to make you feel good, will give you lots of 'pings' for completing all those unfinished jobs, as it would if you ate food. So do the jobs, feel rewarded, and you won't want to stuff yourself with food.

 

Leave your imprint on the paper and turn the darkness into a more tolerable shade of grey

 

3. Write letters to the people who are causing relationship stress. It's a proven fact that putting things into words, calms the brain and reduces stress – without the calories!

• Composing a letter to someone who has just stood you up or has hurt you yet again, makes you aware of the pain that you need to feel in order to process it and make room for more soothing experieces. Food would just bury the pain in the short term, keeping the feelings in tact for the next time you get burned and have to experience it as a double whammy.

• So be good to yourself, and feel the pain as it comes – so that you can externalize it in words towards the person who hurt you. Putting your experience into a story that explains your side of things gives you a boost. You are no longer invisible, helpless or a martyr. You are taking care of yourself by speaking up.

• The act of writing to the one who hurt you gets your psyche to feel assertive and worthy. You aren't just swallowing the pain, which is what you would be doing if you ate to numb yourself- literally and figurutively.

• Writing to the ones who caused you pain also organizes your past hurtful experiences. You get to see a pattern. The pattern gives you valuable information of what to look for next time before it's too late.

• Putting pen to paper or typing on a keyboard also enables you to appreciate that you are actually coping with the bad feelings. You have survived and can write about it. You dont need all that junk food to pacify you. Knowing you are still alive and haven't crumbled is an enormous boost to your sense of competency and sense of self-empowerment.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

 

You might also like:

Three ways to stop chronic stress from making you fat!

Anger makes you fat and keeps you fat!

How your dreams can help you lose weight when nothing else will

 

 Mainstreet.com on  emotions and money psychology

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you believe your loved ones when they tell you that they love and want to be with you?  OR are you suspicious of their intentions when they invite you to hang out with them?

Are you constantly testing them out? Then you may have a deep sense of insecurity just like forty-year-old Mackenzie, a stock broker, who blew up into a rage whenever he thought that his long-time girlfriend Pauline was lying about her wish to marry him.

Out at a restaurant with thirty-nine-year-old beautician Pauline and their friends, he was upset that she seemed engrossed in a conversation with Mark about a basketball game. Feeling excluded and uninteresting to her, he got scared that she would soon leave him. The vision of Pauline abandoning him brought up intense anger. He goaded her all way home about her disinterest in him during the meal. No matter what reassurances Pauline offered, he was determined to make her admit that she didn’t care for him because he was so insecure in their relationship.

By the time they got inside their apartment Mackenzie was trembling with anger and fear.

“Why don’t you admit it?” he yelled, “You think I bring your mood down!”

No longer able to hold her tongue against these false accusations, Pauline snapped.

“You know what! You’re right, when you poke and prod me into not liking you, then yes, I don’t like being out with you because you have habit of destroying the nice time we had,” she yelled as she walked out, refusing to be baited anymore.

Mackenzie’s rage at being rejected and victimized made him feel even more insecure – alone, uncertain as to what would happen between him and Pauline and scared as to whether he would ever be wanted or loved again. He started texting her furiously to try to reconnect but Pauline didn’t respond. Each of his frantic texts got more desperate and insulting hoping to spark a response but all he got was a blank screen.

In several studies conducted with chronically insecure people, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, (2009) found that the tendency to get angry and enraged got higher when the feelings of powerlessness and insecurity were at their strongest.

In addition, insecure people believe that their loved ones see them as insecure and likely to leave even when their loved ones do not judge them that way. The insecure individuals then became suspicious of their partner’s authenticity and damage the relationship.

Mackenzie fits the profile that the researchers described and lost out on a warm and nurturing relationship with Pauline. The anger that stemmed from his insecurity had previously ended a gentle and affectionate relationship with Mandy some three years ago. Two years before that his insecurity based anger had killed the friendship he had with a co-worker just as it was starting to move into a romantic phase.

Angry at himself for losing control and not being able to test Pauline out anymore, Mackenzie tried to meditate and calm himself down. He hoped it would prove to Pauline that he wasn’t a monster and that he could learn to be more secure. But she didn’t want to be put through his insecure tests again and left his life for good. His anger was still there as large as life despite his meditation exercises. So he gave it up.

   

Disgusted with himself for being so insecure and destructive, Mackenzie had a series of hypnotherapy sessions, hoping that his insecurity and anger could be eliminated from his being, washing him clean. It worked for three months; until Mackenzie got attached to a girl he met at a friend’s party. Within a month he started to feel those familiar pangs of insecurity when she wanted time to herself or was busy with something else. At their next meeting he was irritable, angry with her for not wanting to be with him, and the taunting and testing of her commitment started.

 

Shocked that he was still feeling angry and insecure so soon after the hypnotherapy, he decided to try psychotherapy. He hated having to do it with every bone in his body. He just wanted to get this annoying part of him out of the way and then everything would be fine. But what he discovered was that wishing it away just made it worse and then he was filled with self-loathing.

He started and stopped therapy over and over again for the first year, until he surrendered to the fact that he couldn’t change without understanding the roots and reasons for his insecurity – and he certainly couldn’t control his anger until he understood where it was coming from.

Reluctantly Mackenzie talked about his fears growing up when he saw his parents split and come together and split again. He was never secure in his mother’s love because she beat him when she was upset with his dad. Punished as a young boy Mackenzie dismissed the scars it left trying to be strong. But now the scars were throbbing and his rage at both his parents for creating so much insecurity in his life couldn’t be contained. As his therapy progressed and he felt more compassion for himself, letting out his anger at his parents, he was freed to build a relationship with a woman. He no longer had to sabotage his romantic relationships with his insecurity and anger.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

You might also like:

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Rules about how to be secure in your relationship can end it!

Is anger the only way you can whip people into loving you?

Getting proof that your partner is commited to you

Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

Returning from a trip abroad, thirty-seven-year-old Natalie was full of enthusiasm and energy to kick start her career in the creative arts. She had jotted down a ton of ideas including doing a workshop online about writing comedy scripts; doing improvisation, teaching acting at night school and finishing a script that she started 2 years ago. But within four days she wanted to do anything but tackle her list. She wanted to talk to friends, go to a spa, do yoga and cook, but not move forward with her career steps.

Tired of this up and down pattern of excitement followed by a crash, Natalie was acutely aware of her shame and disappointment, despite working on herself for some years. No matter what steps she took and how determined she was, she went from feeling full of desire and motivation to feeling listless when it came to her scripts, workshops, etc.

It all felt too much to manage.

Then a dream came along that helped her understand what was holding her back.

She dreamt that she got a job in a hair salon. She was new and had little experience. A member of the band ‘Kiss’ came into the salon. He had long black wavy hair and wanted it straightened. He was in a hurry and Natalie wasn’t sure she could get it done in time. She used a flat iron that she knew wasn’t the most appropriate for this job but persisted anyway. As her client got impatient and was about to leave the manager of the salon came over and told her to get on with the job and she then complained about not having the right tool. The manager got angry with her and told her that she could have asked for it, before directing her to the front desk where the correct flat iron was located.

Natalie explored her dream with me and noticed that she was feeling as if she were new at the game of working for money, just like she had been in the dream. She also felt as if she was starting from scratch, lost and unable to do what she needed to execute her goals, just as her dream portrayed.

But Natalie learned something important about herself from her dream.

She discovered that she ‘knew’ what the right tool was but refused to ask for it or get it without someone else pushing her.  As we talked further it became apparent that Natalie discarded the parts of her that ‘knew’ what to do and how to do it in real life, so that each time she started a fresh it felt as if she was at square one, without a road map or hiking gear. Feeling overwhelmed and scared she would just give up and her career aspirations would die off.

I helped Natalie appreciate that she had a great many resources including knowledge and skill that she hid from herself because it involved her using her energy and motivation to activate them to serve her purpose. It wasn’t that she was lazy, it was that she just didn’t want to do the work for herself. She wanted someone else to step in and do it so she felt cared for and not alone in taking care of herself.

 

The images in the dream proved really central in helping Natalie gain insight into those parts of her that sabotaged her success.

We discussed the image of the flat iron, and found a rich seam of material that Natalie used to help paint a more in depth picture of why she kept getting stuck in the same place.

First we played with the word ‘flat.’ We talked about ‘flat as in a linear line,’ ‘flat-lining’ as on a medical monitor, and a tire having a flat! All these ways of new images of ‘flat’ gave Natalie a sense of how she wanted a lifeless learning experience, with no bumps or grooves along the way. I also noted that she wanted to drive herself forward with no air in her tires, despite having a great body and engine in terms of her intelligence and talents. Natalie recalled how things had come so easily to her in school that she never had to put any work into it, and wanted that same experience in her adult life. She didn’t want to use her resources in the fullest way possible, and so her tires would deflate, stopping her from progressing.

Then we moved on to the word ‘iron.’ Natalie associated it with a steel grip, a rigid determination to do something irrespective of its effects or repercussions. She mentioned how fearful she was of doing things that would be outside her chosen field, making her rigidly stick to a narrow path, excluding experiences that could enhance and enrich her career in the creative arts.

I added that a lack of iron was a sign of anemia, a cause of weakness and lethargy. Without the right kind of iron (like the right tool in the dream) she would be lifeless and unable to manage her jobs. That she couldn’t actually ‘grip’ the parts of her that could coalesce and make her goals a reality.

 

We shifted to talking about ‘ironing’ and the first thin that Natalie thought of was that of ‘ironing out wrinkles.’

She immediately connected to the part of her that had to iron out wrinkles that sabotaged her career success. She had to iron out the problems that stood in her way, that of disavowing her talents, skills and knowledge when her motivation was present, AND losing touch with her motivation when she owned her talents.

The dream continued to give us food for Natalie to chew on in her therapy. She began to see how she separated her motivation from her talents and scuppered her chances of a good future. She is now in the process of integrating those two parts of her and take real steps towards earning a living at what she was good at.

You might also like:

Your dreams can show you how you censor yourself and spoil your happiness

How to use dreams to benefit your waking life

How your dreams can help you overcome bad memories that keep you stuck

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you wanting comfort and security with your loved ones but not able to get it by being good, quiet, patient and hopeful?

Do you get mad and envious when you see other fully grown adults get pampered and taken care of when they whine and complain?

Do you wish you could get away with that?

Perhaps you have been harboring a secret wish that your loved ones would just do their job and love you the way they should, so that you didn't have to work so hard at getting them to even notice you.

When being good doesn't work, and you can't bring yourself to whine and complain because you are disgusted with those who do it, you are left with a gnawing fear that you will always be on the sidelines, lost and alone.

That fear grows into a powerful force eating you alive.

You have to get connected and loved so you can feel secure and get on with life.

Anger becomes your whip. If you can make your loved ones respond to the wrath of your anger they can get a taste of the fear you have when you feel like you are out in the wilderness.

So you so your anger to whip them into shape – to frighten them into loving you – it's great for that moment, but do you want to be doing that for ever?

Do you want to sabotage yourself and never get the love you deserve?

Watch this video and learn

• WHY you envy the whiners and complainers
• How to get past the envy and shame
• How to translate the anger into inviting, loving communications that get you loved back.
  

ma

 

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

You might also like:

Dealing with the hidden motives that sabotage your success

Two ways to tell if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy

How to stop anger from ruining the good times

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nice guys felt like a noose around Sharon's neck

Why Do Nice Guys Make Sharon Panic?

Sharon enjoyed the flirting until Rudolph asked if she'd like to go out with him on a date. In the blink of an eye she said "Oh, I can't. I'm really tied up and I'm not sure when I'll be free." It was as if Rudolph had pushed a panic button inside her and she had to destroy everything in her path to escape the danger that erupted out of nowhere.

Relief swept over Sharon as she drove home. But she couldn't sleep. During the next few days she felt that old familiar sadness overwhelm her again. If only Rudolph would call. When he had walked over to her at the party she had come alive. He was just the sort of man she wanted, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, self-assured and seemingly well off. She smiled thinking about how she played hard to get before she allowed him to catch her.

Why Does Sharon Reject the Very Thing She Wants?

Because she wants two different things at the same time. The trouble is she is only aware of one of them- wanting a nice guy and a successful relationship. But there is also something else she craves and that is to feel powerful, and in charge of her life. She isn't in touch with her need for power, so she can't figure out why she keeps sabotaging good relationships. She is mystified as to why what seems wonderful at the beginning turns sour very soon afterwards.

How did Sharon Develop a self-sabotage strategy?

Once upon a time when Sharon was a little girl the grown ups around her disappointed and hurt her. The only power and control she had at the time was to reject them when they tried to make nice. Paying them back by hurting and rejecting them was the only weapon she had to feel in control. It worked like a dream. Unfortunately Sharon never learned to develop other ways of feeling strong and in charge of her life. So she continues to use the old ways that now work against her. Now she is the loser. She sabotages her own hearts desire.

 

Two voices compete for attention

 

Who is going to win -Power mad Sharon or Lonely Sharon?

Sharon's two competing parts are Power hungry Sharon, and Lonely Sharon. Power mad Sharon thinks lonely Sharon is a loser, easily seduced and just plain dumb. She can't trust lonely Sharon to judge the sincerity of guys. Just look at her track record!

Lonely Sharon falls for the sweet words and becomes a submissive lamb. Power crazed Sharon has to watch her like a hawk and swoop in before it's too late. She doesn't want to be left picking up the pieces of lonely Sharon's broken heart again.

So, power mad Sharon allows lonely Sharon a bit of rope. "Go on, you can flirt a bit, enjoy it while you can." But the moment lonely Sharon decides to take it a step further, power mad Sharon gets the guns out and blows the guy out of the water. Power mad Sharon enjoyed the chase but is ecstatic when she saves lonely Sharon from messing up.

Power crazy Sharon wins the battle. She feels proud of herself for being a good protector. Unfortunately she oversteps the mark every time, crushing the chances of lonely Sharon ever having a secure and trusting relationship.

But Sharon wouldn't deliberately Sabotage herself?

That's right, if she was aware of how she may be acting against her own interests, she would not see the guy as a monster. She really does want a partner, but she also wants to protect herself from being let down, and thrown out for a newer model. The fear of being let down is so huge that she uses her power as a sledge hammer to demolish every potential relationship before she has had a chance to see if they were safe.

 

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Sharon feel powerful and be in a relationship?

There are five steps that Sharon can take that will increase her chances of a making a good connection without living in fear of being dumped.

1. Ask herself what she likes and dislikes about the guy if there seems to be mutual attraction. Look for evidence of the good and bad things, so that her lens is neither too rosy nor too black. That balance will help keep her as objective as possible, making sabotage much less likely.

2. Take the time to check in with herself about what she wants from the potential relationship. This includes physical attraction, financial security, humor, empathy, as well as the ability to read her and respond that neither invades her boundaries nor leaves her out in the cold.

3. Speak to the guy about what she wants in real time as it happens, so he will understand her needs and attempt to meet her expectations. This act alone will give her power and create good boundaries so she isn't wimpy and helpless.

4. Make space inside her for the fact that the guy may actually like her personal qualities. That will make her feel more secure and tamp down power mad Sharon's need to bring out the sledge hammer.

5. Be clear about what hurts or disappoints her as well as what she enjoys in the relationship. Communicate it as it comes up, so that there is a mixture of strength, self-confidence and self-preservation.

 

TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGE TEST AND FIND OUT YOUR PROFILE

Read more about understanding the role of panic in relationship problems:

Understanding your panic attacks part 1 – facing your dilemmas

Understanding your panic attacks part 2- getting past shame

Understanding your panic attacks part 3 – fear of going it alone

 

 

Why isn't my brother here when I need him?

The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations became a blur as her eyes kept scanning the huge hall for her elder brother.

Yvonne's friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of smiling as she thanked her thoughtful pals.

It's too late

" You are amazing sis. I always knew you could do it." Larry's voice penetrated the jubilant atmosphere as he made ready to embrace his sister. Yvonne wanted to jump for joy and strangle Larry simultaneously. Pride made Yvonne choose rage. " It's too late now!" she responded as her "You missed everything!"

" Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but I'm here for the party," Larry said making light of it.

"'There's always something! You knew how important this was to me. I only get to do this once in my life, and you couldn't make the effort to be there for me!" Yvonne cut him dead.

 

Yvonne's hot button gets triggered big time

In that split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry's feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. As a child she had dealt with the hurt by trying even harder. Anger wasn't an option. It could sever the tenuous ties with her parents for ever.

Yvonne's hot button consists of layers of compressed anger and resentment created during a formative period in her life. It is old, cracked, dry and excellent tinder material. Fresh disappointments ignite the ball of raw emotion making the hot button explode. Larry's failure to attend Yvonne's graduation was a reincarnation of the past. He personified every past failure to acknowledge and recognize her legitimate achievements.

Yvonne's fury fractures the relationship with Larry

No longer constrained by the fear of loss,years of fury and resentment came out full throttle. The intensity of her feeling turned into an unspoken demand. It went something like this.

"Brother, you must make up for all those times mom and dad disappointed me and tossed me aside. You have to be the good parent now."

That put him in a straight jacket. He didn't perform in the way that Yvonne insisted, and was labeled a failure. Yvonne's demands were not met giving her a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractured under pressure.

Yvonne didn't speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel some of her pain. She dismissed him just like he had dismissed her by missing the ceremony. She felt the enormous power of retribution, like a bulldozer indiscriminately knocking down every source of frustration, disappointment and heartbreak in her psychic landscape.

Yvonne's brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage

As the bulldozer ran out of gas Yvonne was deflated. She flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren't worth a damn if her brother couldn't get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn't care about her, why should she care about herself?

The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne had inflicted the worst punishment on herself. Larry's congratulation didn't arrive at the right time, or in the right way. It wasn't the perfect fit she demanded. She rejected his offerings and denied herself the accolade she craved. A brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage.

Unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, made her doubly deprived. Furious that she was being robbed of her entitlements added to the stock pile of fuel feeding her hot button. The more she felt the betrayed by the one person who should be honoring her, the hotter the button sizzled. Reinforced by attention the hot button got stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.http://losangeleswestsidetherapy.com/intimacy/trust-and-betrayal/#.VbOx1flcLdc

As she tires of torturing herself, Yvonne can get a handle on her hot button. She can mourn the loss of validation withheld by her parents. That allows her to separate the past from the present and deal with new disappointments more realistically. Yvonne can take charge of her hot button by valuing affirmations from friends and colleagues. She can also treasure Larry's attempts to honor her even if they don't come in exactly the right package. Layers of acknowledgment will replace the layers of resentment, making Yvonne one cool lady!