Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Stressed About Having Second Child

Getting the news that she was finally pregnant, should have been immensely relieving to 25-year-old Kerri, but she was as stressed if not more than before. Previously she had been stressed about having her second child before she was 35 years old, but now she was stressed about not having enough energy for her lively first born, 4 year-old Eric. She fretted over giving him less attention and potentially creating a long term problem

 Family Relationship Issues Began the Negative Chronic Stress Cycle for Kerri

Recalling her own childhood Kerri remembered being the oldest in her family, and with each new baby that came along, she was pushed further and further into the background, being forced to take on parenting tasks. Her father worked long hours and was also in competition for the scant energy his wife may have for him when he was home. Kerri had vowed to herself that her children weren’t going to suffer like that, and she was going to make sure her husband Ari would never feel he had to battle to get quality adult time with her.

As a teen ager, Kerri tried to feel wanted and cared for by her school friends but it just wasn’t the same as being wanted by her mother. The only time her parents seemed to show any interest in her was when she was needed as a babysitter. She focused on her school work determined to be an independently wealthy professional, tamping down her anger, and the part of her that ached for the love and attention her parents never gave.

Stress made her want to eat – but she tried to gain control over her bingeing and purging

 Lonely, angry, stressed and depressed, Kerri started to binge and purge. Those activities filled in the gaps between her school and then college schedules.  When she saw clumps of hair falling out in the shower she had a wakeup call and stopped the binging and purging.  The stress of not being in control anymore gave her eczema. Her immune system had been compromised by stress.  Kerri did her best to deal with each new symptom as I came up.  Until she met Ari at a smoothie bar on her way from class.

He seemed entranced by her and she fell head over heels in love with his attentive and thoughtful nature. They were married within the year. Both decided to finish college and put off having children until their careers were well established. Ari became a hot-shot-celebrity lawyer, traveling all over the place to be on all the prime time talk shows. Kerri fulfilled her dream of becoming a business owner at the age of 30 with a profitable nanny and babysitting agency.   

Stress Effected Kerri's Health

Ari’s absences triggered her stress and she began to feel that same old sense of overwhelm, lack of control and a need to get even more busy to blot out the feelings.  She was angry but once again never allowed herself to process it or express it. That added to her stress. Shadowed with fatigue and insomnia, Kerri did what she knew best – distract herself with another goal. She decided to expand her business into a daycare facility. The bureaucracy involved did the job of using up the excess adrenalin from the stress, but the stress hormones like cytokines depleted her energy. She never talked to Ari about her stress, or her wish that he wouldn’t travel. She didn’t want to upset him or his career, and plus she was used to taking the burden in the household. It was a job she grew up doing, and doing it well. Aware of her previous response to stress, Kerri made sure she ate properly because she wanted to conceive her first child. She was careful to look out for skin problems and made sure she was well hydrated, used nourishing skin lotions and had regular appointments with her dermatologist. So far so good. Then one morning she awoke with stomach cramps and nausea. The cramps intensified after eating and she felt as if she needed to have a bowel movement at least 3 times per hour. Kerri was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome a week later. No organic causes were found, and stress was the named culprit.

Kerri deliberaetely blinded herself to her stress and it's harmful effects on her  future children

The recommendation to reduce stress didn’t strike Kerri as helpful. She had a new business plan and discovered that she was pregnant. She plowed on thinking that things would just get better and for a time the joy of pregnancy countered the stress. She had no idea that she had chronic stress and that it could affect her unborn child.

Research Evidence Predicted Problems for Kerri's First Child Directly Related to his Mother's Chronic Stress

Eric was diagnosed with Asthma at the age of two and a half. He had always been a colicky baby but now he needed an inhaler. The thought of him not being able to breathe at night unless she was watching like a hawk spiked her stress levels to acute proportions. Kerri was devastated, but did her duty and made sure Eric had his inhaler at hand at all times. What Kerri didn’t know was that in 2010 the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine reported on a study with high and low stressed pregnant women. They found that in the high stress group, women like Kerri passed on their lowered immune response to their child as they passed through the birth canal, making them more likely to have allergic diseases such as asthma.

The journal Endocrinology published an article in June 2015 demonstrating that stress during pregnancy altered the healthy eco system of the gut microbiota in the maternal vagina, passing on that changed and less healthy bacterial system to the offspring on its way out.  Stress hormones passed onto the baby effected the gut and brain development, making the infant’s ability to manage stress much weaker than otherwise, especially for boys.

How can Kerri make sure her second child doesn't inherit her stress and be disadvantaged for the rest of its life?

Kerri didn’t want her second child of whatever gender to inherit her weakened immune response and be prone to all the stress related diseases that she had faced and more. Was it too late for her to manage her stress and give her second baby a strong immune system from the get go? No, but she must be willing to learn to de-stress and maintain that as a new way of life, because her stress is chronic and unrelenting.

Since she never learned how to recognize and attend to her stress before it became acute,

1. She has to begin to become aware of the earliest signs of stress like

Irritability, going from excess energy to depletion, exhaustion after rest, inability to concentrate

Tuning into signs of stress is the first step in managing it

2. She has to watch for her usual coping mechanisms and change them:

• For example, instead of bingeing and purging – write down her feelings regarding loss of control.
• Instead of getting busy with interminable lists of things to do – draw, paint, collage, make art in other forms which calms the brain and reduces stress hormones.
• Go to therapy and work on her stressed childhood. Above all this is the most useful long term way of letting the stress go, making sure she doesn’t pass on an compromised immune system to her next child, BUT that she doesn’t model stress behaviors for either child.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you frustrated and angry that you seem to put on weight just by looking at high calorie foods, while others consume it as if there is no tomorrow and are as thin as reeds?

Then you may be under chronic stress that produces a biological marker called NPY that metabolizes your calories differently and makes you gain weight.

It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.

You have got so used to the stress that it probably doesn't register in the same way it would for someone having a new experience.

That's the problem. Your body then has to take over and try and protect you. Unfortunately it does it by making you store fat, and then you feel ashamed, guilty and even more of a failure.

Relationship insecurity and helplessness is the most potent source of chronic stress.

So watch this video and learn three ways in which you can become more aware of and master the stress so that you don't have to suffer weight gain.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Unable to sleep for the third night in a row, thirty-six-year-old Orrin, an investment analyst, got up and took his prescribed pain killers for his lower back pain and sciatica. The relief was temporary and he awoke from a drowsy state with intense throbbing pain down his right buttock, thigh and leg. His lower back pain made it difficult for him to get out of bed, so he used the cane he kept near him to push himself up. He was angry that the pain medications weren’t working, and even angrier that all the physical therapy and meditative exercises he performed regularly had little to no effect.

At work, using his ergonomic chair and work station, the pain persisted, and the stress gave him a nagging headache. When he missed the perfect moment to make a trade for one of his customers, he wasn’t aware of being angry and he just kept going, trying to compensate by working harder. As the journal Anesthesia & Analgesia, 2007 indicated, chronic pain not only makes you uncomfortable, but impairs memory and concentration

He hated the carefree attitude of many of his colleagues, believing that they were shortchanging their customers, and ultimately tarring him with the same brush. He nipped his rising anger in the bud and tried to outdo the performance he had achieved yesterday. But the stress of being mocked by the team elevated the pain in his lower back, and gave him stomach cramps. He was in agony, and took more pain medication that gave him little or no relief. He tried walking around to relieve the pressure on his sciatic nerve but he was so tense that it was a washout.

His thirty-eight-year-old wife Amy offered to massage his back. It felt both relieving and anxiety provoking. He recalled the times when he’d longed for his mother to soothe his headaches and stomach aches, his cuts and bruises and his fears and doubts – but she usually palmed him off with candy and/or video games. He remembered how angry he used to get, but he never showed it, terrified that if he did, she would retaliate with her rage. His mother’s rage was unpredictable and fierce. She would throw food around, hurt he dog and yell at Orrin just for being around! He had prided himself for not losing his cool as he grew up. But was it worth it?

Orrin grew to be afraid of his back pain and stomach cramps returning when the medications wore off, or when he went back to his stressful work environment. It was the same fear he had as a kid when he anticipated the pain that would come with his mother’s smacks and verbal abuse. Negative emotions interfere with the brain processing of actual pain, increasing the anticipating of pain, which in many cases makes it worse, as reported by Gastroenterology, 2011.

Later in the week as Orrin’s throbbing lower back pain prevented him from sitting in his office chair, he found himself welling up in tears.  Sadness enveloped him, making his pain feel even worse, as outlined in an article published in Biological Psychiatry, 2010 – which found that sadness disrupts some neurocircuit pathways in the brain that process pain.  Sadness and depression drive the pain, making it feel much more intolerable.

Despite the sadness, Orrin was very aware of his anger and didn’t ignore or re-label it as ‘just frustration.’  He was furious that the one thing that usually distracted him from the pain – his high pressured and fast paced work – was not possible. He swore and cussed under his breath, threw down his briefcase and went outside. Walking along a nearby nature trail he let out his anger. Sometimes it was by kicking a twig and other times by repetitively banging one rock on another, while swearing and cussing to the squawking crows around.

A couple of minutes later his pain had substantially subsided. He couldn’t understand it, but the relief was palpable. The Annals of Behavioral  Medicine 2013  published an article demonstrating that only Anger Awareness and Expression Training (AAET) was effective in promoting emotional processing and expression leading to less pain, particularly in headaches. The authors indicated that the paid reduction comes when swearing triggers the fight-or-flight response of stress, obliterating the link between fear of pain and the pain itself.

Having put his emotional pain into words by expressing his hurt and anger that he harbored over so many years, released his physical pain. The journal Emotion reported in 2007, that attempts to suppress anger amplifies all the irritating and uncomfortable aspects of pain perception. So by taking the muzzle off his anger reduced the sensitivity of the pain receptors and brought some respite.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The reunion between 43-year-old Petra and her two dogs when she got back home from an extended horse riding weekend on a Wyoming ranch was warm and rewarding, except for the serious outbreak of hives on her arms, chest and neck that itched, and made her feel ugly.

She couldn’t sleep, waiting for the morning to arrive so she could see her doctor and get answers to the questions swimming around in her head about why she was suddenly afflicted with this nasty outbreak – obviously she was allergic to something, but what? She had never had hives before, and the fact that it was so visible made her feel that she was being punished for leaving her workplace, and her dogs, which she rarely did.. Now, just when she was taking time out to enjoy herself, she gets slapped with hives!

The news from the doctor was no great help. Her immune system seemed to be having a non-specific reaction to something or other, and other than prescribing antihistamine she was told to wait a couple to three weeks for results. Petra just wanted to step out of her skin. It felt wretched, wrinkly, spotty, stained with red lumps that no amount of creams or lotions could soothe or hide. The medication made her drowsy and all she wanted to do was to go into a deep sleep and wake up in a new body with fresh skin.

Three days later Petra was despondent, wondering if she would ever feel good again.

She wasn’t able to concentrate on her management duties at a popular fast food franchise that was open long hours. But it was important that she take charge again and get everything back in order, because she didn’t trust the staff to work efficiently. In fact she had to make up for all the time she was away so that the business was operating in tip-top shape, putting her up for her fifth manager of the year award.

She didn’t feel like swimming or sailing, two of her favorite sports. Her mind was embroiled in questions about what was in store for her if the hives persisted. Even if this outbreak faded, would she be prone to having it again? Would it flare up every time she was stressed at work or stressed because she wasn't dating enough? Was hives something she had to live with as she traversed the bridge between being a young, single career woman, and entering middle age without a partner and having no hope of finding one? Was this the message that she was supposed to get from having hives at this juncture of her life?

Six months before her long awaited vacation Petra had been especially anxious about the ticking of her biological clock.

She hadn’t worried too much about it before her fortieth birthday, but since then she had periods when it became acutely alarming. She usually dealt with it by burying herself at work which easily consumed both her physical and psychic energy. But lately no matter how deeply engrossed she was in her work her focus seemed to shift to her being alone and childless. Despite dating men whom she met socially at friends’ homes or online, none of them did anything for her, and she was quick to find reasons why they weren’t right for her. Except for that one time she had a huge reaction to one man she was introduced to at the sailing club. Every pore of her being tingled and she didn’t know how to control her desire to throw herself at him. She wanted him to ask her out but she didn’t want to appear too eager. She was bitterly disappointed when the man didn’t read her mind and body signals, walking away on Sunday evening, leaving her sad, defeated and a little angry.

When Petra realized that despite giving herself good vacations like the horse riding weekend she was still unhappy, and that life seemed to be getting worse, she decided to attend therapy.

Petra described her alarm about having hives and how it spelled doom for her future. She would never be able to attract a decent man, wear swim suits or buy sexy clothes with this awful skin condition closing the door on her life as she knew it and imagined it would be for some time to come.

But as we talked it became clear that the outbreak of hives was a way for Petra to breakout of her narrow and constrained life. We acknowledged how hard it was for her to ‘escape’ the straitjacket she had existed in. Contracting hives on her return was like hiring a set of contractors to build herself a new, more spacious, and brighter place to live. But she couldn’t do that until she saw how ugly her old place was. The red welts of hives did just that. It helped her to shed her old tight skin and make way for a structure and scaffolding for the new home she was to live in.

Without the hives, she would have carried on as before, slowly dying inside with nothing but a brittle skeleton to show for it. But the hives made her slow down, focus on her emotional needs and finally build a house that would make room for relationships that could nurture and satisfy her.

 Hives are after all the homes of bees. They are strong and reinforced, yet flexible. They are ideal for the manufacture and storage of honey, the perfect food for developing creatures. Petra, like the bees had to develop her emotional life that had been stifled and strangled almost to death. She had to build a welcoming and strong house for her emotional life, and feed herself with the honey it produced, rather than wait for some miracle to happen, or for some magic spell to whiskk her into the land of fulfilling relationships.

Petra’s hives did abate and she started to date men with a more open heart and mind. The rest of her story is yet to come, but she is now firmly in a more supple and receptive spirit. She is making her honey and it is the ideal antidote to skin hives!

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Looking Forward To Warm Moments

Preparing for her younger sister's visit put some pep into Faith's steps. Her sister was the one member of her family that she kept in touch with. She had long since given up on getting her mother and stepfather to approve of her life choices. Cutting herself off from their judgment and disapproval had been difficult, but it made for a more peaceful existence. She recalled Nancy's last visit when they had fun talking about boyfriends and clothes, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having that camaraderie again made Faith feel warm inside. Both had become career women since then. Nancy was now a well paid executive, Faith was a Nurse practitioner. There was a lot to catch up on.

Anticipating Shared Sister Pride

Faith did everything she could to make Nancy feel at home. She and Bruno did the cooking and the cleaning and took Nancy out on the town. Faith wanted to show Nancy how different she was to their mother who never put herself out for her children or their families. Faith was proud of Nancy's rise to the elite classes, with company cars and lavish expense accounts. Now she wanted Nancy to be proud of how far she had come in finding a good man as a partner and a respectable profession to belong to.

The Disappointments Come Thick and Fast

The first disappointment came when Nancy didn't want to go with Faith to planned social events. It was as if Nancy was ashamed to be associated with her. The second let down was harder to swallow. Nancy never asked about Faith's job, her relationship with Bruno, or their future plans. Nancy used Faith's house as a hotel and didn't bother with even the most basic of social graces. Any efforts on Faith's part to confide in Nancy met with the same critical hostility and dismissal that her mother doled out. There was no togetherness, no reminiscing, no sisterhood.

Faith's Blood Boils at Nancy's Thoughtlessness

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor and tuned the dial to her favorite programs without asking if it suited her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Nancy couldn't get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Faith Takes Her Anger Out on Her Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. "Wash the dishes before bed!" she commanded. "You can do your own laundry, I'm busy," she pronounced as he got undressed for bed." I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week," she vented at him.

Bruno sniped right back. " Don't take your anger at your sister out on me! I am not your servant. You acted as if you were Nancy's slave, so what are you so upset about? If you didn't treat her like some queen whose blessings you were trying to earn, you wouldn't be in this state!"

Stomach Cramps Keep Faith Awake

Getting through the nights so full of disappointment and anger was no easy thing. Faith began to have excruciating abdominal cramps that kept her awake for the next week. She didn't want to reach out to Bruno, imagining that he would think she deserved it. Pain medication didn't ease her agony, nor did herbal remedies, soothing baths, heating pads, massages or cleansing diets.

" My night cramps have come back with a vengeance," Faith told me during our next psychotherapy session. I thought it was too good to be true when they eased up over the last six months. I am so frustrated. I can't get a good night's rest. Why does this pain torment me?"

Digesting the Anger and Easing the Pain

Faith and I had worked for some months with her pain symptoms for which no medical cause had been found despite exhaustive investigations. As we talked about the awful family life she had experienced and her fears that she would somehow make the same mistakes with a family of her own, the pains subsided. Nancy's visit stirred up all the unhealed wounds, and dashed hopes for loving family connections. Nancy's behavior had put salt in the wounds. Faith had kept quiet during Nancy's visit. All her pent up anger and resentment was lodged in her abdomen.

Talking about the pain her sister inflicted on her wasn't comfortable. A lot of tears were shed as Faith digested her hurt. She learned how to make herself less vulnerable in the future. The next day I got a message thanking me for helping her to sleep through the night, something she hadn't done in a while!

Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security profile. Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Irritable Bowel Disease makes Meryl want to stay home

Meryl woke up often through the night with abdominal pain and cramping. During the day she often felt bloated and uncomfortable. It messed with her appetite and eating routines. The constant tenderness in her gut made her afraid of going outside her home and work place. She worried about being near rest rooms. She was embarrassed about leaving events frequently to visit the rest room with no apparent relief. She never told anyone and pretended all was well.

Silence was Meryl's best weapon against emotional abuse

Meryl usually kept her feelings and opinions to herself. She had long since learned that the one sure fire way to avoid rocking the boat was to keep quiet. It wasn’t safe saying what she felt if her mother would go into a tail spin and shower her with a spate of hurtful remarks that she was powerless to defend against. It was dangerous to play with her father’s wrath if she dared to speak for herself. The only times she did so resulted in being torn to shreds and then ignored for weeks. Taking the blame for things that went wrong in the family seemed to make everyone else accept her, and reduce the condemnations. Self-silence and self-blame were the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that came with expressing her feelings.

Looking good in public was Meryl's ticket to feeling good

Meryl felt good about herself as a professional that other people respected. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that feeling of being admired and valued. She was the first to own the blame and fix problems at work. That was her insurance against nagging thoughts about what others may be thinking of her. It was like an automatic reflex that went into action the second someone she cared about was upset or angry. Self-silence and self-blame became Meryl’s way of protecting herself against the sense of helplessness and worthlessness that came with emotionally abusive interactions.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome was the culprit ruining Meryl's life

Meryl did a lot of research on her symptoms, altered her diet, took supplements and kept herself hydrated with water. She regulated her times of eating and made sure she fed herself regularly with small easy to digest meals. But nothing seemed to make a difference. It was time to consult with the experts. Meryl’s nursing background came in useful. She knew who to talk to and what questions to ask. A series of tests ruled out Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Colitis, and Chron's disease.

The diagnosis was Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) of the constipation type. It is a functional disorder in that physical symptoms persist in the absence of any structural or biochemical abnormalities. Twice as many women as men suffer from IBS.

Meryl was shocked and upset because it meant that there was no ‘cure.’ All she could do was ease the symptoms with medications when the flare ups were severe.

Research evidence on IBS and emotional abuse

A. An article in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine published in 2000 reported a strong link between emotional abuse and IBS among women.

B. IBS sufferers have a heightened need for social desirability (as reported by the Journal of Gastroenterology in 1990, and the International Journal of Psychiatric Medicine in 1992).

C. Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, so there is an increased need to look good, to be socially desirable. The need to have a good image conflates with the need to protect others from feeling bad, and triggers coping mechanisms like self-silencing and self-blame.

D.Self-silencing is a way of maintaining intimate relationships by silencing thoughts and feelings, resulting in a devaluing of the self. It is a way of avoiding emotional abuse.

E.Self-blame is another way of avoiding emotional abuse. It works by lowering self-esteem and accepting responsibility for negative events. Better to blame yourself than be skinned alive with abuse from so called loved ones.

F.Self-blame and self-silencing increase stress.

G.Stress hormones like cortisol exacerbate symptoms of IBS and reinforces the negative downward spiral.

Communicate feelings and thoughts for improved gastric health

1. Meryl can turn the tide for herself by taking the risk of speaking her mind.

2. She can practice sharing her thoughts and feelings with herself at first.

3. Next she can write them down.

4. Finally she can begin sharing one or two thoughts and feelings with trusted colleagues.

5. Allowing others to share in the responsibility when things go wrong will make Meryl experience a more realistic world, where she won’t have to protect herself against anticipated emotional abuse.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security with tips on helping you become stronger.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

suppressed anger causes stress related skin breakouts

Office politics make Maggie stressed out and sick

Maggie wanted a quiet life. The cliques and gossip in the office made her nervous. She wanted to stay on the right side of management and not make any waves. She liked the manager at the Spa, who supported her efforts to bring in new clients. He was appreciative of her willingness to stay late and take new customers at short notice. But some of the other estheticians complained. They wanted overtime, they wanted more time in-between clients and they wanted a larger cut of the fees.

Maggie wants to stay neutral, but the stressful pressure is on!

Maggie was fond of her colleagues. She enjoyed talking to them one on one, and felt good about the confidences they shared. But when they all got together in the staff lounge and started bitching about the manager, Maggie hated it. She was uncomfortable hearing grievances from the others. She didn't share their sense of being underpaid or over used. She tended to keep quiet during these get- togethers, hoping no one would notice her neutrality.

Maggie feels wound up by her colleague

No such luck. Suzie tackled her one evening as they were closing the spa together. "What do you think about us all getting more rest breaks in-between clients? You never say anything. I never know whether you are with us or against us."

" I can see why you want more time in-between sessions, but it's not that bad" replied Maggie trying to duck out of answering the question. She felt Suzie withdraw and give her the silent treatment. The stress made her stomach churn and her temples throb.

She felt rejected because she had been disloyal to her colleague. She felt punished and wished she didn't have to put up with this pulling and pushing between management and staff. It reminded her of her having to choose which parent she wanted to live with during her parents divorce proceedings. Memories of having to hurt her mother when she picked a weekend with her dad, or vice versa flooded her mind. Breaking out in skin rashes got her out of having to take sides. When she was old enough she moved far away from them, hoping never to have to make such impossible choices again.

Pushed away by colleagues, but pulled in by management adds to the stress

Jeff the Spa manager asked to speak to Maggie the next day as she started her shift. He wanted to get the skinny on what was brewing among the staff. He trusted Maggie and let her know that her cooperation would be remembered and rewarded. Maggie wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She didn't want to snitch, nor did she want to keep Jeff in the dark. He was good to her, and he was paying her salary. She tried to change the subject and talk about new ideas to improve the services of the spa. The phone rang just in time. She escaped, but her face, neck and arms broke out in a raw, red itchy rash.  

The anger and stress showed itself vividly with the ugly embarrassing skin breakout.

Maggie is an outcast unable to manage her fear and stress

Maggie went through the day feeling like a pariah. Her colleagues wouldn't look at her or smile at her. They ignored her at their break times, and didn't include her when they ordered lunch from the local deli. Maggie was mortified. She found it hard to concentrate on her clients. She imagined the other estheticians talking about her behind her back, viewing her as the enemy. Maggie felt alone and fearful of her position at the Spa. The only one who spoke to her was Jeff, and each time he did, the others raised their eyebrows in disdain. She was given an ultimatum at the end of this interminable day. "Either be one of us, or go with management" said Suzie.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The day of reckoning looms

Maggie didn't want to be out of favor with her colleagues. She wanted to belong to a cohesive group of work mates. How could she stomach being ostracized while still working in the same environment? She couldn't run away from them as she had done from her parents.

Maggie's facial skin erupted in huge welts just as it was time to go into the Spa next morning. There was no way she could go in looking like that, and she certainly couldn't work with clients in this condition. She was off the hook. The rash bought her some much needed time. Focusing on the urgent needs of her body took her mind off the intolerable conflict she was facing.

After all dermatological treatments proved ineffective, Maggie reluctantly came to my office. She discovered that her adult choices didn't have the power to hurt and destroy relationships as they appeared to do in her childhood. Maggie became more confident with voicing her truth. Her skin responded with gratitude. Maggie is no longer stuck on the fence. She is way out over it!