Archive for the ‘Anger and Relationship Problems’ Category

How To Stop the Cycle of Love Turning into Anger and Hate

February 10th, 2015 No Comments

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

west los angeles anger management therapy

Do you hate your loved one so much that you want to hurt them and make them feel your pain?

Are you so enraged when they seem to be loving and then switch off?

It's natural for you to feel angry when you are given with one hand and then another and takes it away before you've even tasted it.

The stress of having/not having pumps you up with adrenaline.

THE THREE D'S OF ANGER, AND STRESS ENGULF YOU

You feel dismissed

You feel depersonalized

You feel dehumanized

SO you use your hate to do the same to your loved one  – you retaliate and use up that 'fighting' energy that stress gave you

You end up seeing each other as monsters, fight your ground and then move away, disgusted and spent.

BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD BREAK THAT CYCLE OF ANGER, HATE AND DESTRUCTION?

What if you could create a new brain pathway that helps you connect through your common experience of being dismissed, depersonalized and dehumanized?

WATCH THIS VIDEO AND LEARN HOW KEEP LOVE GOING INSTEAD OF LETTING HATE TAKE OVER

 

 

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Four ways to turn anger into love

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Six ways to feel good without having to make your partner bad

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



How To Express Anger At Family Members Who You Feel Used and Abused You

December 16th, 2014 No Comments

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

west los angeles therapy for anger management

Have you been the one to take care of family when others bailed out or abandoned you?

Are you the one that keeps family members together at the expense of your own life?

Perhaps you felt righteous, strong and saintly doing what needed to be done when everyone else behaved irresponsibly.

But you built up anger and resentment that grew inside you like a cancer, destroying the authentic part of you that the freedom to have your own life without feeling that you too abandoned your family.

Over time the anger turns to rage, and the rage burns you. It makes you want to inflict on your family members what you went through.

Suppressed anger makes you exhausted, stressed and unable to concentrate on your work or your routine tasks.

  Buried anger affects your sleep and your eating patterns.

You can no longer live trapped and almost strangled to death by the anger that you have stored up against your family members you use you, abuse your sense of responsibility and take advantage of your saintliness.

You have avoided expressing the anger hoping that your family members will see your sacrifice and do the right thing. But nothing happens and you are left with a rage that is vengeful and punitive.

This video tells the story of one young girl, on the brink of adulthood feeling trapped by her care taker role but enraged with her family members to the point of running away in order to make them value and acknowledge her heroic contributions. I tell how  I helped her express her anger, and recognize that the entire family had massive negative emotions that all needed to be aired and understood so that the family could function in a healthier way.

You too can do it. Watch and begin your journey to freedom.

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Checklist to tell if you are in an abusive relationship

Do you numb yourself in order to manage angry outbursts, only to have them explode later on?

Four ways to manage anger when you feel ignored

 

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



Four Ways to Silence Your Self-Critical Voice

December 2nd, 2014 No Comments

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

west los angeles psychotherapy for anger based self-criticism

After a relaxing weekend, thirty-three year old Daniel hated when he felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that a new week was about to begin. He enjoyed his two-days-a-week off so much that the transition was painful and anxiety provoking. The thought of leaving his ‘treasure island’ and re-entering the world of reality made him nauseous as he prepared to tear himself away from his personal paradise of ‘do-nothing-and relax’ time.

He had to up date his financial records; getting the flyers and ads out for new listings he had procured for his real estate business and keep appointments with his ten-year-old son Drew’s school meetings. He had to go back to being a robot to get through this week, just like every other.

The only way he could get himself ready for the job was to whip himself into a state of frenzy and panic – imagining the urgency with which he had to attend to the tasks as hand, for if he didn’t – he was a lazy, useless, unproductive, undeserving layabout!

west los angeles anger management therapy

That self-critical voice raised its volume and began pounding Daniel with guilt.

He was bad for doing nothing and enjoying it! He should be ashamed of himself letting so many important jobs stay undone. He needed to make up for it in a hurry because he had wasted to much precious time already.

Daniel got himself out of his reverie like a donkey gets up after being lashed unmercifully to do the bidding of its master. This master wanted to punish him for retreating into his care-free bubble and forgetting his duties. This unforgiving, over-active slave driver insisted that Daniel wasn’t going to enjoy any part of his working week as atonement for the two days of rest-and-recreation he had stolen.

He was filled with shame, comparing himself to his hard working parents who rarely took time to rest or play with him and his brother. Their lives were filled with jobs that seemed caring and that Daniel thought he should be grateful for. But he never was! All he wanted was for his parents to spend time with him, enjoying his company and he theirs.

He felt weak and helpless as that self-critical task-master inside him went on and on, louder and louder until Daniel gave in and shut himself out of his paradise. He began to tackle the jobs on his list like a demon, to erase the guilt evoked by his self-critical voice. As he got into the rhythm of his tasks, he detached himself completely from the haven he had just left. While he was on ‘duty,’ being a ‘good boy,’ he wasn’t allowed to have any contact, even in his imagination with his ‘off-time’ paradise. Masochism was the only way to manage his overwhelming anger.

But at the end of his robotic week, when he had paid for his crime of having time off, he melted right back into his precious island where that inner-critic was quiet until just before the next week began. What peace, what joy – heaven!

Until the whole cycle started again!

west los angeles therapy for self-criticism

How Can Daniel Silence His Inner Self-Critic?

  1. Identify the source of that voice from childhood – is it his dad’s voice making him feel ashamed of playing and having fun? Or is it his mom’s admonishments to be a ‘man’ and do more jobs around the house? May be it’s a grandparent who snubs him for not being a ‘good boy,’ and deprives him of treats.

Whatever the combination of voices, Daniel has taken ownership and beating himself up with it. So he has to disown that voice and give it back to those it really belonged to.

  1. Develop his own voice so that the harsh self-critical one doesn’t come back and fill the empty space. He needs to make his voice represent his own beliefs, not those of his childhood carers. He doesn’t need to compare himself to his parents, and he no longer needs their approval in order to feel loved.

Doing that involves deciding what his beliefs are about working and playing. Is it okay with him to rest, play, unwind, and switch off? If so, when, how, and in what circumstances?

  1. Remove the stark split between work and play.

Allowing himself time each day to rest and switch off will alter that punitive swing of the pendulum threatening him into action with shame and guilt. Having something to enjoy each day makes the working week bearable and balanced.

  1. Create a more organic rhythm for work, play, rest, peace and relationships.

Focusing on what he is doing and has done at a time of recreation quietens the self-critical voice until it disappears. Getting in touch with your own natural rhythms liberates Daniel from shame and guilt.

Now Daniel can face any day with energy and positive anticipation. He doesn’t have to browbeat himself through his self-critical voice, because it has been quietened. In time, that voice becomes more validating, giving him permission to be himself and approve of it.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Do you numb yourself in order to manage your angry outbursts, only to have them explode later on?

Unresolved anger and stress keeps you depressed longer

Shirked responsibility gets turned into self-hatred and anger – masochistic anger part 4

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



Three Ways To Harness Your Anger, Hate and Frustration to Get What You Want

November 17th, 2014 Comments Off on Three Ways To Harness Your Anger, Hate and Frustration to Get What You Want

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Without the frustration of error or lack-1

Are you envious of other peoples relationships?

Are you consumed with frustration that other people seem to get what they want and have the 'perfect' relationship while you are struggling to get off the ground?

When you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your own relationship, other couples are viewed in idealistic terms. You imagine that just because they are out together or buying groceries together that their relationship must be warm and stress free.

You wan the same thing! You don't know why you can't have it, and you feel life is treating you unfairly, despite you being a 'good' person.

Thats what happened to thirty-seven year old Jocelyn after her marriage ended in divorce.

She was filled with rage that she had given her all in the marriage and yet it hadn't been enough to make it work.

Enraged by her husband being away a lot and shirking his responsibilities, she filled herself up with hate for him for making her end up alone with two children.

She kept the anger and hate inside, pretending that she was doing okay. But she also looked for any excuse to tear a strip off her husband when he wasn't paying what she felt she needed to maintain her household with the children. She wanted that money, and atonement money – she wanted him to bleed.

She tried to act like a single person and go out with friends but she felt even more angry that she had to start going out and date again!

Jocelyn found a million reasons why she would never find a partner again. So everytime a possiblity arose she stamped on it by saying, " I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm not funny and I'm not sexy!"

It worked. She made sure she never got a date – it was a great way to hang onto the anger and hatred.

Yet the anger and hate never went away. In fact it got a lot worse. Jocelyn couldn't stand the fact that he was enjoying his life while her life was going down the drain.

relationship problems psychotherapy, Los Angeles

What are Jocelyn's options for dealing with the anger and hate?

She can sit back and complain about her misfortune, treating herself as a helpless victim on the one hand, and as a merciless avenger on the other hand when she gets mad at her ex-husband.

She can fill herself up with anger about life being unfair and leave no room to take in care and find a good connection.

She can blind herself to the love that is available because it doesn't match her wish to turn back the clock and force the marriage to work.

She can seethe with frustration, release stress hormones into her body and get sick.

She can have a fit about the fact that her efforts aren't being rewarded immediately or consistently,.

 OR

She can use that  frustration and the excess adrenaline that it produces to make it happen for her.

 

glad to be with each other

Three ways Jocelyn can use her frustration, anger and hate to get her share of the good things in life

1. Tune into the discomfort in her body whenever she is frustrated, revengeful and angry. Notice the enormous energy that could overwhelms her, but is at her disposal to channel –

2. Imagine the choice she has –

  • use the anger, hate and frustration for destructive purposes – throwing a tantrum because she isn't given what she want.
  • use the energy to get in touch with DESIRE.and use that force to open up a space inside where she can allow others to touch her, make her laugh, care for her and make her feel wanted.

3. Frustration is the mother of desire

Choose the second more hopeful option and put herself out there as the valuable person she is. Emotional energy can be used to wake up DESIRE for life and all that it offers. Without desire there is only destructive tendencies because no one took care of you the way you wanted. Fierce desire makes you walk through fire and wade through snake filled swamps.

When Jocelyn wants her life to be happy with a new boyfriend more than she wants to feel the power of anger, then she uses frustration transformed into desire to get her wish.

She needs to look for and take what she wants, not wait for someone to rescue her. That's where the frustration comes in handy. It catapults Jocelyn into a 'must have' place rather than a ' have to wait and see' place or a passive aggressive place just to get even. Taking revenge and punishing will only keep Jocelyn in a strait jacket of rage hoping it will burn the reality of the broken marriage into it's original attractive experience. Desire on the other hand is self-empowrering because it comes from the frustration of not being gratified by the person you depend on to care for you.

 

As the famous British Psychologist and Pediatrician Donald Winnicott said – a mother has to refrain from indulging a child all the time or anticipating every need. Without the feeling of frustration the child will never want to do something badly enough to grow and develop the skills and the pride of self-care.          

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Three ways anger at your partner's infedity saves your relationship for good

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Angry that your partner isn't who you signed up for?

Latest Media articles where I give expert advice

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



How to Deal With The Anger and Stress Caused By Interfering Mother-in-Laws

November 4th, 2014 No Comments

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

marriage counselingArguing with your Spouse About Mother-in-law Problems Makes you Angry and Stressed

 

The power of a mother-in-law to interfere in a marriage causes intense negative feelings that can destroy the spousal bounds

Angela and Josh a newly married couple were at logger heads about Angela's mother telling him how to treat and take care of her daughter.  She kept calling and texting him about Angela's food needs, her anxieties, her need to get pregnant and the need for child to be a son.  Josh tried to talk to Angela about his distaste for being told how to be a good husband by his mother-in-law, but Angela secretly smiled. She was thrilled that her mother was on Josh's back to do the 'right thing' by her, because she was too scared to do it herself. She loved that her mother was her champion, and whipping up her husband to do the same.

What Angela didn't appreciate was that Josh was feeling emasculated and furious. He was angry about the temerity of his mother-in-law to tell him what to do, as if he knew nothing of his wife's needs. He was fuming that he wasn't given a chance to find his feet in his new role as a husband., But most of all he was livid that his wife enjoyed seening him as a puppet controlled by her mother. Lurking underneath all that rage was shame – making him feel small, powerless and inadequate.

 

alone in empty place

Caught Between His Bossy Mother-in-law and His Uncaring Wife, Josh Buckled Under the Stress

Josh's anger made him want to punish Angela. He wanted her to feel the threat of losing him, and he withdrew. He couldn't take the feeling of being helpless to manage his mother-in-law without upsetting his wife and feeling like he was to blame for causing friction in his new marriage.

Feeling Trapped Between a Rock and a Hard Place Creates More Stress Because Josh Keeps His Anger Hidden

Telling his mother-in-law nicely to back off didn't work. She was too strong a personality and insisted that she needed to help him be a good husband – and that without her he would fail – just like her husband failed her – and she wasn't going to let that happen to her precious daughter.

Getting his wife to speak up on his behalf didn't work either. She didn't see why it was such a problem, and told him that he should be grateful to her mother for giving him such good advice!

making choice

What are Josh's Options?

1. He can continue keeping silent and seethe inside as he allows himself to be disempowered.

Risk – he might cheat or take a mistress who allows him full control. He may conquer his shame by feeling his power in another relationship.

Benefit – he doesn't upset the applecart of mother-daughter alliance against his entitlement to be a full partner in the marriage, excluding the third party of his mother-in-law.

 

2. He can let the stress get to him by getting sick – then his wife might refocus her lens on him and their marriage.

Risk – the shift in focus will probably be short lived. His wife and mother-in-law may join forces and continue their close relationship, leaving him on the sidelines.

Benefit – he doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, and still hopes that Angela would choose him over her mother.

 

3. He can decide that he isn't going to be ousted from his rightful place in the marriage, and reclaim his position and power by telling his wife what he wants

Risk – his wife may have a small tantrum, and his mother-in-law may have a huge tantrum. He might feel guilty and scared that he won't be able to pull it off.

Benefit – he gets his wife to redraw the boundaries between her mother and herself, committing to Josh and their marriage.

 

WHICH SOLUTION DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WORK BEST?

Yes, you are right, the one where Josh reclaims his wife and makes the marriage a priority.

What shoud have happened before the marriage?

Mothers-in-laws can't intefere in a marriage unless there is a huge hole through which she can enter and divide a a couple that wern't really a strong and united coulple in the first place. Ideally the couple should have formed a bond that made their union solid and made it known to all other family members that no one could come in and operate with either of them in ways that they had done before. Josh and Angela had not shifted their allegience from family to each other fully enough, so Angela's mother had a wide berth.

close couple

HOW DOES IT WORK OUT?

1. Once Josh takes ownership of his role in taking care of Angela, his demeanor and attitude will give off the message that his mother-in-law is no longer the boss.

2. Then Angela receives the same message and invests in her husband as a good partner and care taker. She relinquishes her primary tie with her mother and makes it with Josh.

3. Next Josh and Angela work on making their union water tight. They agree to express their needs, fears, wishes and disappointments directly to one another, so they can fine tune their relationship while it is still new and maleable. They get to avoid resentment and hate building up and making them sick or tearing the marriage into a battle zone.

4. Josh and Angela give each other the chance to repair hurts, understand and empathize with each other's unfulfilled needs and frustrations, while navigating their way towards a more wholesome connection. That enables them to grieve their losses and move on.

5. The couple learn to read each other's body language and signals for care and become the go to people for one another. They learn from their mistakes rather than bury them.

6. Both Angela and Josh make a pact to tell each other what they feel, need, want and expect at the time that they are aware of it. That's how they avoid building up anxiety and stress related insomnia.

7. Finally, Josh and Angela make sure that any holes that might appear in their relationship are noticed and promptly sewn up by attending to the issues – underlying negative emotional experiences that are bubbling beneath the surface. Taking preventive action rather than waiting for a crisis is a fool-proof method of never having to deal with the anger and stress of an interfering mother-in-law.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Four ways to turn anger into love

Dealing with anger when you feel emotionally blackmailed

Three ways to manage the anxiety about pleasing your loved ones

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

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Checklist to Tell if You Are In an Abusive Relationship

September 23rd, 2014 1 Comment

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

6 signs of abusive relationships

If you are in an abusive relationship you probably don't know it.

You don't recognize that your relationship is any different to others or to the one you grew up in.

So here is a twelve item checklist to help you discover whether you are in an abusive relationship, so you don't have to suffer like the NFL'S Ray Rice's wife Jany, Ray McDonald's finance, Adrian Peterson's daughter, or Greg Hardy's  domestic violence victims.

If only those victims could have been assertive and put themselves in an equal position in their relationships, they may have been less likely to be abused.

But when you feel powerless, insecure and stressed, it's tough. Seeking therapy is too scary.

 

wound up tied up

          Twelve Item Checklist

1.You are verbally ridiculed but remain quiet.

2.You role in the relationship is demeaned in front of others yet you accept it without protest.

3.Your partner blames you when things don’t according to plan, you buy into it, and try harder to please next time.

4.You keep silent about your hurt and pain, ashamed about the relationship that you chose and are now trapped in.

5.You cling to hope that your partner will change if you are ‘better’ and more patient.

6.You try to win love and affection from a position of subordination, and are rewarded by humiliation.

7.You have fantasies of running away and or retaliating against your partner, which keep you going in your darkest hours.

8.You long for the moments when your partner is warm, to obliterate all the times when you were neglected, blamed and punished.

9. When your partner is loving it's as if you are in heaven. You forget all the bad times, seeing only the nice side of your partner. You invest everything in the moment, feeling powerful that you and only you brought out the good stuff in your partner, that you always knew was there.

10. You are always ruminating on what you have said or done wrong to make sense of your partner's emotional, physical or verbal abuse.

11.  You protect your partner when other people comment on the way they behave.

12. You give up your autonomy and activities to keep your partner from getting anxious and angry about your living a life that is separate from them.

            

Next time I will write about how to help yourself if you are the victim of domestic violence.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Imagine couples with Ray Rice and his Wife

How to be equal partners in your relationship

How to get your partner to admit they need professional help when they won't admit their problems

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



Six Ways to Defuse Your Anger When Your Children Fight

September 10th, 2014 No Comments

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

snapping with frustration

It's frustrating when your kids are constantly bickering and you have to be referee.

Choosing one side or the other often makes you feel bad,and guilty later on.

You wish your kids could get on with one another and let you attend to all the other things on your plate. But they don't!

They are not invested in harmony or collaboration. They want ownership and control over what they feel is 'right.'

So they fight and argue. They battle till they draw blood. And that's when you lose it!

One of your children gets hurt, is sobbing uncontrollably and you are now furious at having to take time out to care for the hurt child, chastise the other and somehow bring order to chaos.

Your expectations of peaceful play were shattered and now you have to take charge and undo the mess. Your anger probably comes from being forced to intervene.

So how do you mange this thorny parenting problem of facing sibling rivalry?

Do you punish the child who hurt the sibling and give all the attention to the child who is crying?

Or do you find other things for them to do and ignore what just hapened?

which part of me  do I choose

 

Things you should never do as a parent when you are angry at your kids for fighting

  1. Never gnore them because that makes them anxious and escalates the conflict.

 DO comment on their frustrations and distress, it’s very calming when a parent notices and acknowledges how you feel, which immediately stops the fight. Since you are angry too, it's a chance for everyone to notice that anger is around, and everyone is angry for a similar reasons.

  1. Never fight with them , because the parent becomes another child joining the fight adding to the conflict when what they really need is a for their mother to contain and manage their feelings.

DO talk about their need to feel stronger, and ‘better than’ the other, rather than focus on the rights and wrongs of the fight, and who started it. Then you will have taken charge in a way that brings them to attention without bitterness and blame. Your anger will diffuse as your children feel your understanding.

 

offer a helping hand

 

  1. Never try to compete for control because it’s sending a message that control is something to aspire to and is the go to method of interacting.

DO invite the siblings to share their feelings as mom shares hers about seeing them fight. It gives the kids a model of how to tune into one another and that everyone has similar feelings. The advantage for you  is that as you address their feelings, you teach the basics of empathy, showing them that fighting isn’t productive. You make it less likely that this pattern will repeat. Sharing your feelings means you too feel seen and heard and everyone takes equal responsibility for their feelings rather than passing the blame ball around like a hot potato.

     4. Never yell at them to stop –  You may get momentary relief but the siblings conflict remains unresolved, and it will be revived soon.

DO invite them to tell you and their sibling what they are feeling, needing and wanting without blaming or dissing the other. You benefit because you can also 'show and tell' what your needs are and how you feel when they can't be met. Everyone reduces the anger and you feel like a good mom, rather than an impatient, mean parent.

5. Never reprimand them. It is ineffective because they hear their mom disapproving of them as humans.  They get no idea of what they have done wrong and don’t understand why they are being chastised .It can lead to shame based narcissism later in life. You may feel vindicated in the moment, but you will regret it as you see your kids self-esteem falling through the ground.

DO comment on their frustration and distress. It's immediately calming because you are recognizing, not judging their emotional state. You benefit because you are giving voice to your frustration to. When you make space for your feelings and those of your children, anger is replaced by bonding.

6. Never punish them and then over-compensate when you feel guilty. This strategy is unproductive because it’s all about the mom dealing with her own hot buttons when she punishes them, showing her own desperation – then she fears losing their love and gives in. It teaches the kids that relationships are based on fear, and that evoking guilt is a great way of managing relationships. It does nothing to make them fight less or find new ways of expressing their needs.

DO create mutually agreed rules about 'fighting' or dealing with conflict, and praise them when they conform. When you feel you are taking steps to prevent the sibling fights, your anger dissapates. Including the children in making the rules ensures their compliance, and now your children are allies, not nuisances.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

How to manage your anger when your kids drive you nuts

Are you covering up the sadness of being a bad parent with anger?

Is envious anger stopping you from connecting wih your kids?

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 



Five Benefits of Mindfulness

September 3rd, 2014 No Comments

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

mindfulness benefits

 

Mindfulness is a hot topic in the area of anger and stress managment. But do you know what it is?

Have you got any idea of what it entails and how it can aid you in dealing with your anger and stress?

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Let's start with what Mindfulness is not!

Mindfulness is not meditation.

Mindfulness is not digging into yourself and discovering your unconscious wishes.

Mindfulness is not getting rid of all your thoughts and feelings

Mindfulness is not about detachment from the people and world around you

Mindfulness is not an escape from bad feelings like hurt, pain, anger, fear or envy.

Now let's look at what mindfulness is and how it can be of use to you.

1. In his book 'The Mindful Brain', Daniel Siegel describes mindulfulness as being aware of your mind and it's processes, so that you are not operating on auto pilot.

2. Mindful awarness involves reflection of what you are thinking, doing and feeling so that you are conscious of the choices you are making, and can opt for different ones to better your moment to moment, day to day life.

Benefit: when you feel irritated and angry you can sense it in your body, as you tune into your muscle tension, teeth clenching and sighing. You can then formulate words to describe your anger, and then share it in the moment. Putting your emotional experience into words, dampens the intensity of the feelings, and helps you stay and feel in control. Others experience you as genuine, adapting the converstion accordingly. You don't store anger and it doesn't build up into stress that makes you sick.

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3. Reflecting on your mind and what it is thinking and doing gives you the opportunity to empower yourself, instead of just being reactive and blaming everyone and everything around you for your actions.

Benefit:you are in full control of your reactions and responses. You can choose to interpret other peoples motives in a more benign way, instead of letting your autopilot take you to the same old place of rejection and hurt. You don't feel helpless and you avoid the shame and guilt of being 'reactive.'

4. Tuning into your mental proceses puts you in the here-and-now, so that you fully participate in and experience the person you are with, the surroundings you are in and the needs you have at that time.

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Benefit:   staying in the present releases you from captivity. Your past negative experiences predispose you to be over cautious and dismiss anything that looks or feels good as sinister, suspicious or a fluke. Mindful awareness focuses you on the reality in front of you so that you see and create a more positive life experience.

5. Embedding yourself in the here-and-now allows you to meet your need for connection with someone else, or to be apart and take care of hurt, pain or fear. Feeling your emotions as they arise means you take care of yourself in a natural organic manner. You don't brush it off and let it build up into intense anger or resentment.

Benefit: you never get hijacked by your frustration, anger or pessimism. You tolerate the bad feelings with the good and give both equal space. You have more of you to use as a resource because you are not trying to suppress feelings that you don't approve of. That's how you build self-compassion and compassion for others.

6. You don't hide from yourself, so you come across as authentic from the inside out. The image you show to others matches what you feel inside, making relating easy, and fun.

Benefit: you are at peace with yourself, non-judgmental and accepting. You have more space to be curious about others and invite them to be with you rather than perform certain functions for you. Relating becomes more meaningul and satisfying.

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7. Reflecting in a mindful way about what you actually want or are conflicted about builds self-compassion and patience for your process. It reduces the judge inside you that wants you to be perfect.

Benefit:flexibility of spirit means you can adapt to the situations around you without getting into a panic or fearing bad outcomes. Being in step with the world around you makes life easier than if you were fighting it to suit what you think it should be.

8. Mindfulness is cheap in terms of financial outlay and you don't need to depend on others to do it. But you do need to see it as a way of being, not just a 15 minute mental exercise as if you were going to the gym or jogging. It has to become like a skin that you wear and adapt to depending on your emotional state.

Benefit:being a mindfully aware person means you can start to read others more accurately. You get to understand the dynamics of the relationships you are in and most of all, you develop the fortitude to enjoy emotional intimacy instead of fearing it.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Four ways to turn anger into love

How to get your partner to listen to your side of things without tuning out

How to deal with panic when anger managment doesn't work

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



Three Ways To Stand Up To Passive Aggressive People

August 11th, 2014 No Comments

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Don't you just grit your teeth and want to tear your hair out with fury when your loved ones pretend they are not angry or upset, yet make snide remarks?

Don't you feel that they are trying to be better than you, by trying to be in full control of their anger, only to let it out in far more cruel ways?

Aren't you longing to get them to show their rage and be equally human with you?

If so then you want to have a more authentic and intimate relationship, which involves being open and upfront with your emotions, including anger.

Loved ones who use passive aggressiveness to handle their feelings are afraid of emotionally intimacy.

  •   They would rather withdraw and poke you from afar so that they can shield themselves from the impact they have on you, and vice versa.
  •   They prefer to take what they believe is the moral high ground, so that they can feel superior. Putting themselves on top is a way of avoiding emotional closeness.
  •   They get a kick out of playing the martyr role and force you to become the abuser who is harming them.

 

Why live in a place of frustration? All it does is bring you stress and cause you to hate your loved ones. You have more fights and battles about who is the better person or who is the most honest.

You can't make a martyr change with your anger or revengefull thoughts. Nor can you compete with them for martyrdom!

What you can do is to make them look in the mirror and show them how they care more about:

  • being superior than having a strong connection with you
  • being safe behind the walls of martyrdom than taking the risk of learning how to be emotionally intimate and strong simultaneously
  • seeing you as the monster so they can feel good about themselves.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Avoid the pain of losing loved ones becasue of anger issues

How to be equal partners in your marriage

Dealing with anger when you feel emotionally blackmailed

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond



Three Ways Anger At Your Partner’s Infidelity Saves Your Relationship – For Good!

July 16th, 2014 No Comments

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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It's normal, healthy and appropriate to be furious when you discover that your partner cheated on you.

It's good that you get worked up and are full of indignation.

It's useful that your angry energy gives you so much adrenalin that you feel you can move mountains.

BUT DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR THE JUGULAR AND KILL OFF THE FOUNDATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS BEEN CRACKED

OR DO YOU WANT TO TAKE CHARGE, AND RE-CRAFT THE CONNECTION THAT YOU BELIEVED WAS RELIABLE AND STRONG?

Yes, I know – how could I suggest that you accept and forgive and pretend that nothing has happened?

I am not asking you to do that.

I am suggesting that infidelity is a sign that one person in the relationship wants to grow and expand and the other wants to keep things exactly the way they are.

When one partner sees the other ones need to have some life outside the terms of the original relationship parameters, having an affair is often the only way to crack that sealed box open and let it breathe.

If you are the one being cheated on, then you feel betrayed, and can't see why. Your natural instinct is to protect yourself and take revenge, punishing your partner by ending things or clamping down even harder on the rules.

BUT WHAT IF YOU REALIZED THAT CHEATING GOT YOUR ATTENTION lLIKE NOTHING ELSE DID – AND YOU DISCOVERED THAT YOU HAD NO IDEA THAT YOUR PARTNER NEEDED TO GROW AND DEVELOP RATHER THAN STAY MUMMIFIED IN A GLASS BOX THAT FELT GOOD TO YOU, BUT MUMMIFIED THEM?

Then you could benefit by implenting these three strategies below that help you to grow along with your partner.

You also benefit by keeping pace with your partner and preventing the need to communicate in such drastic ways,,  like having affairs.

You are no longer waiting to be victimized again.

Three ways to use your anger productively when your partner is unfaithful to save your relationship

  • learn about all the signs that your partner was feeling trapped – which you previously were oblivious to.
  • ask yourself what the benefits were to you of being blind – and was it worth the consequences now
  • direct the anger towards creating a more flexible and airy relationship together with your partner

REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU TRY AND CLING ONTO A RELATIONSHIP WHERE GROWING AND CHANGING IS A FORM OF BETRAYAL THEN YOU ARE THE ONE CHEATING YOUR PARTNER OUT OF THEIR BIRTHRIGHT AND DOING THE SAME TO YOURSELF.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

How to deal with a partner who lies and cheats

Rules about how to be secure in your relationship can end it

Is anger the only way you can whip people into loving you?

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond