digging her talons into you


“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ― Mark Twain


When a loved one whom you expect to be caring, considerate and sensitive to your needs acts in a callous or self-centered way, it’s only natural that you would be upset and angry.

But if you pretend you are not angry in that moment when you feel disregarded, and nurse that anger quietly instead, you build up bitterness and hatred.

  • You only see others through a battle ready lens
  • You view them as either good or bad, not human
  • You live in a world as if you are constantly under threat
  • Your world feels hostile so that you add layers of anger and hate to defend yourself
  • You mistrust good intentions and acts in others
  • You deprive yourself of seeing, feeling and receiving the more loving side of your nearest and dearest
  • Your humanity is compromised because your soft and loving sides are dampened as if they are unnecessary if not dangerous.



However, when you are scared that your hatred could actually destroy the connection for ever, you probably turn the hatred in on yourself.

You begin to put the judge's hat on and see yourself through critical eyes, nit picking every thought, feeling and action – condemning yourself in a masochistic way.

Your hope is that your loved one will see your suffering, care for you, and give you the green light to stop torturing yourself.

But it may not work, and you are then left feeling angry and hateful not only towards your loved one but towards yourself as well. That makes life scary and difficult to live tolerate.

You might resort to being passive aggressive feeling like a martyr and wanting your loved ones to prove their love.

You may be abusive towards yourself and you may feel abused by your loved ones.


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hung drawn and quartered

Dehumanization and Depersonalization

The combination of anger and hatred towards a loved one who has let you down makes you view loved ones as enemies and monsters out to get you. You put your psychological armor on and make sure you never let them near you. Entombed behind your armor you are always in battle mode and depersonalize yourself and your loved ones.

Your loved ones are not human to you and you don’t feel human with them. Anger and hate guarantee dehumanization, ensuring that conflicts never resolved. In fact a study reported in the Journal of Conflict Resolution, 2010 found that anger alone allowed for resolution, but when combined with hatred, the chances fell dramatically.



People are Either Good or Bad

When you look through the lens of anger and hate at people you interact with, then you limit your field of experience. You don’t register the humorous, generous, gentler side of other people. Nor do you allow those parts of you to show.

So you disallow care and concern when it is available, trying to be strong. But it is a false sense of strength – because you deny your need for closeness and affinity.


Living in a world full of anger and hate is an act of hateful self-destruction.



1. Acknowledge and feel safe with your disappointment and anger when loved ones let you down and make you feel invissible.

2. Maintain your humannness despite feeling like you are 'nothing' because of the way you are treated by significant others.

3. Direct the anger and hate you feel in the direction it belongs instead of turning it in on yourself and committing psychic suicide.

4. Show you ways that you can let your significant others know how miserable and unimportant you feel without having to dehumanize them.

5. Guide you away from the need to retaliate with passive aggression, and towards a more healthy expression of feelings that brings intimacy.



So why not breathe life into yourself? Give yourself the chance of being loved and wanted. Make room for your humanity.


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