Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna's Dilemma

Donna was heartbroken that all the time and energy she had devoted to building a relationship with her father seemed to end in tatters. Now she was angry and no longer willing to do anything to please him, just to stay on his radar.

She didn't want to lose him completely either. She had a dilemma that troubled her. Should she give up on him and move on with her life, or should she just see him occasionally and keep her feelings to herself?

Donna's Body reacts To The Stress

A week ago they had fallen out. Donna's feelings were a mess. One part of her wanted to sever the ties altogether and punish him, while another part of her longed for the dad she always hoped to have, the kind of dad her best friend enjoyed. Her feelings were so chaotic that she broke out in a rash, all over her chest and arms, her face and neck. The rash expressed her conflict, the red raw anger that she didn't know what to do with.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

A Dream Comes To Help Donna Solve Her Dilemma

The night before she was to meet her father after their last blow out, Donna dreamt that she bought tons of wax and removed all the hair from her legs, arms and other places. It didn't hurt and it felt good. The wax was warm, like honey and comforting. It came off without stinging her, making her feel strong.

What Message Is The Dream Giving To Donna?

Body hair is a protective shield. It protects against the cold, and shields the skin from the sun, preventing dehydration and wrinkles. So in her dream Donna was able to remove that protective layer without feeling any sting or pain. She was being shown that she was strong enough to stand up to her father's stinging remarks, and coldness. She didn't need to protect herself against him. Nor did she need to protect her father from her rage, disappointment, and hurt.

Making Use of Her Dream

The meeting with her father was not as bad as she had imagined. Donna was able to express some of her feelings without fear of losing her father for good. He didn't walk away or shut her up. Donna's dream gave her a wonderful image of strength and power, that no longer had to be a solid ball of anger inside her. Like the wax in her dream, it melted and with it took away the fears that had chained her for so long.

Now she has a better chance of having a more honest relationship with her father, on her own terms.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Getting Her Father's Attention Back Was All Celia Wanted

Celia basked in her father's attention. She had ever since she was a tiny girl. It was all she lived for. One day her father changed. He became self-absorbed, oblivious to the distress he caused his family. Celia spent the rest of her childhood trying to bring him back to life. She attended to all his needs when her mother was sick. Later she followed family traditions about girls getting married and being homemakers. But nothing penetrated his fortress of solitariness. She had lost the privilege to be the apple of her father's eye.

Maybe A Career Would Impress Her Dad

Celia was getting on with her life after her divorce. Her kids were grown up and she grabbed the opportunity to go back to school and study to be a nurse. It's what she had always wanted to do and hoped it would impress her father. She was desperate for him to show pride in her ambitions and achievements. It didn't make it past his well guarded fortress. Her accomplishments felt like failures because they weren't acknowledged by father.

A Dream Nudges Celia To Face Reality

One night she had a dream that confused and disturbed her. In the dream she was in a room sitting at a small square table with a King and Queen. The King was writing. There was a door across from Celia behind the Queen. There was a lot of traffic noise coming from outside the door. Celia shut the door. The King looked up in relief. Celia enjoyed knowing she had pleased him. The queen invited her to visit them more often, but the King did not. She was heartbroken.

The Dream De-stabilizes Celia

The dream haunted her. She found herself crying a lot. She looked up dream dictionaries and websites that devoted themselves to dream interpretation. All the while a pit in the bottom of her stomach nagged at her. She couldn't concentrate on her school work. She lost interest in the lives of her children. She was inside her own lonely fortress, keeping the world out, unable to feel secure in her daily routine. Eventually Celia came to consult with me. She told of the dream and drew the images.

What Is The Reality Celia Has Been Avoiding?

Celia had given her father ultimate authority to approve of her and make her happy. His were the only blessings that counted, his the only approval that mattered. She gave him all the power to dictate how she would experience life. She n her own hands and give herself permission to be a woman in her own right, to be proud of herself and relish her accomplishments.

Celia Gives The King All The Power

The King in Celia's dream represented the ultimate in authority and power. Celia didn't exist for him unless she did something to make him feel good like eliminating noisy disturbances. She had spent her whole life trying to make him notice her by taking care of his comforts, and in so doing had abandoned herself. By shutting the door in the dream, she was shutting out reality – that there was a big, noisy, world, full of life out there. A world that would be responsive, that would welcome her, where she could find acknowledgment and self-worth. Shutting the door made time stand still. She was forever the little girl trying to get Daddy's attention, and failing.

The Message of Unity and Wholeness

The square shaped table in the dream has a special significance. A square has four equal sides, representing equality. The message for Celia is that as a grown woman she is an equal to her father. She has the entitlement and the power to control her life and create her happiness. The dream nudges Celia to take strength from becoming a whole person in her own right. A square table has four legs that enable it to balance, and keep it stable. It is a powerful image of stability and balance. Despite the King (father) being busy, the world isn't shaking. She can survive without his approval.

Celia Is Guided To Become The Apple Of Her Own Eye

Celia is encouraged to tune into the loving invitation of the Queen, depicting Celia's nurturing maternal self that she has ignored up to now. The dream tells her that by responding to the Queen she can feel worthwhile. Celia was shown the futility of trying to be daddy's special girl again. She was given an alternative, that was so much more fruitful. That was to abandon her wish to go back in time and recapture some magic that was no longer available. She was guided to switch from taking care of her unresponsive father to taking care of herself. Rather than trying to impress dad, Celia was better off being the apple of her own eye.

Celia is now a senior nurse in the cardiac unit of her local hospital. She is well respected. She enjoys her work and has a wonderful relationship with a fellow nurse. They cheer lead for one another and offer shoulders to cry on when needed. At last Celia sits around her square table where everyone she invites to dinner is her equal. She is the King and Queen of her own life, ruling with a rod of compassion.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Family Hurts!

Young beautiful and exuberant Julie was a happy and contented child until her parents sent her abroad to live with better off relatives in America. Contact with her parents was limited. She made sense of it by believing that she wasn't wanted, that she was a burden and an unwelcome intruder into her family.

Growing up with a Thin Skin

Julie did everything she could to prove she was loveable, useful and a worthy child for her aunt and uncle to rear. But she lived with the constant fear that any day, they too would tire of her and dump her somewhere else. She was an excellent student and used her teachers's praise as a source of worthniess. She didn't have many close friends. She was terrified that if they got to know her well, they would consider her second class goods, and find better friends.

Marriage and Children Don't Do The Trick

Julie hoped that marriage and parenthood would give her someone to love, and that she would be loved in return. She thought that this would be her salvation. A husband and child of her very own could finally prove that she was desirable and lovable. But it didn't work out. Her husband left, and Julie's relationship with her own daughter was strained.

The longed for wish fades away

After years of bitter sadness that she couldn't relate to her daughter, Julie realised that she was going to die a bitter and lonely woman. After she retired, the fear became stronger.

Then came this dream

She was in the kitchen preparing soup from a package of dried soup mix. Flames leapt out from the burners of her stove as she stirred the pot. She put her hands in the fire to rescue the soup and got burned. Later she discovered the knob and turned off the gas.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Julie is Given Hope and Encouragement

In her dream Julie was preparing a nourishing meal from a packet of dried soup mix. Her life was 'dried' up, without love, without connections, without meaning. Mixing the dried powder with water the dream says, can reconstitute her desire for genuine kinship. The dream showed her that her usual way of reaching out for love was by sticking her hands in the fire and getting burned – betrayed, let down, abandoned, disowned. Flames also indicate the intensity of her anger that she was dumped, mistreated and denied a home with her own parents. Her dream then showed her that she had a knob inside her that can turn the heat on and off. She can control the heat of the flames. She doesn't have to get burned and spoil the 'relationship soup', depriving herself of a good meal. Nor does she have to eat uncooked soup – raw and unsatisfying loneliness, by refusing to turn on the gas!

The Gifts In Julie's Dream

Julie had been repeatedly 'burned' by the betrayal of loved ones. Her dream indicated she could reach for the knob whenever she felt defenseless. She could have balanced relationships, OR she could hang onto the anger in the flames, be a victim, and keep getting burned. As she worked on this dream with me in a workshop, tears flowed as we put words and meaning to an otherwise terrifying dream. That was her first gift. The second is more permanent. Julie can use the insignia of the knob as a symbol of her ability to manage future vulnerable situations. She gets to have a life before it is too late.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shantal Feels Dissed

Shantal's relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre's face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. She braced herself for the complaints he had stored up during her absence at a work conference. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

Frustrations Froth Up The Battle

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. She said she was tired after her trip and wasn't in the mood for sex. Andre let out a big sigh. He had been looking forward to making love with his wife. He had hoped that a few days apart would make her want him again. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage.That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn't want to cheat, and he couldn't tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Putting The Dreaded Talk Off For As Long As Possible

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal clung to every moment in the shower, jogged for a longer time, cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter. As soon as Andre sat on the sofa and asked if she was okay, she braced herself for a round of challenges that she didn't want to explore.

"Are you feeling okay?" Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

" I'm fine. Just a bit tired." Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

" It's just that you seem to be tired a lot, and it comes up every time I try to make love to you." Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

" I can't help it if I'm tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep. "Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

" What am I doing wrong? I worry that I'm not attractive to you any longer." Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

" You just don't get it do you? You criticize me if I'm tired, or if I go away for work and don't do the chores around the house. If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn't exactly make me feel like having sex with you." Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre's head.

" I don't mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What's the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates."Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Shantal Turns Off Her Sexuality

Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.

  Sex Is About Putting Up Walls and Tearing Them Down

What does having sex mean for this couple?

It isn't about expressing love or sharing physical pleasure.

It isn't about tender moments of vulnerable intimacy.

It isn't about taking the time to be with one another in a secure embrace.

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

Frank Talk Makes Sex About Love and Intimacy

Tearing down walls and putting them back up is exhausting. Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don't have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stresses of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.

More articles about why sex becomes a problem and how to remedy it

How to get affection on your schedule

Why your sex life doesn't work and three ways to revive it

Why your sex life is non-existent and how to get it going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of an eye

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Lorraine feels like a dangling yo-yo doing Joe's bidding

Joe's selfishness drives Lorraine crazy

Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She'd show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. He'd soon find out how valuable she was when he had to bathe the kids and put them to bed, and had no one to complain to about his tough day at work.

What a selfish and self-centered man he was! He had done it again- made it all about him. She asked for one weekend to spend with her girlfriend, but Joe's work commitments and deadlines came first. He objected to being the sole care taker of the kids.

Joe's predictable behavior makes Lorraine feel superior

As her rage subsided, a smug smile danced on Lorraine's face. It made her feel secure that Joe had behaved exactly as predicted. Her anger was validated. He truly deserved the bad guy label because he put himself first, last and always.

Lorraine needs to be off the hook

What's in it for kind, considerate Lorraine to be with egotistical and selfish Joe?

There are five pay offs for Lorraine to stay mad at Joe.

1. He's bad, I am good!

When he is inconsiderate and unreasonable Lorraine feels superior and good about herself. All the bad stuff seems situated in Joe.

2. He's bad, so I don't have to feel guilty or selfish!

Each time Joe puts himself first, Lorraine doesn't have to deal with her discomfort about wanting time away from the kids. If her selfish streak was let out of the bag, she would feel guilty and awful about herself. Far better to let Joe own the self-centered parts of each of them.

3. He never supports me, so now I have something to get him on!

Joe's reluctance to give Lorraine what she wants is disappointing. But it allows her to think of herself as a long suffering martyr. Resentful and full of righteous indignation, Lorraine can punish him as she sees fit. She can torture him by running off and making him worry. She can use his selfish acts as whips to lash him with whenever she needs to feel powerful and in control.

4. Joe is responsible for making me feel so awful!

By handing over the reins to Joe Lorraine makes it about him by putting him in charge. She makes him the captain of the ship and then gets enraged when he exercises the authority to steer the course he thinks best.

5. He needs to change, not me!

Entrusting Joe with the sole responsibility for her happiness means that Lorraine sets herself up for a great deal of heartache, stress and low self-esteem. She sabotages herself by giving control to Joe.

However she is willing to pay that price so long as she can blame him for being mean and uncaring. Since he is the bad guy, he is the one who has to change. As the good guy Lorraine is let off the hook and avoids accessing her personal resources for managing her life.

Lorraine needs to nurture herself with a  wide range of supports

How can Lorraine feel good without making Joe bad?

1.By making arrangements in advance with family, friends, neighbors and Joe for the care of the children when she wants to get away.

2.By involving her team in supporting her plan. That makes Joe feel useful rather than burdened. Joe is more likely to encourage her to take a much needed break.

3. By taking the lions share of responsibility in achieving her goals makes it more likely that she will feel fulfilled. Joe will be attracted to her independence and want to be included in her ventures.

4. Lorraine has to chose self-empowerment more than the superior feeling and vindication she gets when she punishes Joe.

5. Switching from battle mode where there is only one victor to a win-win mode allows both Lorraine and Joe to feel good. That involves giving up the belief that relationships are all about

" I did — for you, so I expect and demand that you do — for me."

Lorraine has to do things in her marriage because she wants to, not only because of what it may bring her in return.

6. This may be difficult for Lorraine to get her head around. At this moment there is a pay off for her in setting Joe up to be the bad guy. Her reward is feeling saintly. If she is willing to allow both of them to have good bits and bad bits instead of apportioning them out, she can be find greater acceptance of herself and her partner, making the relationship flexible and battle free.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sexual Desire Gets Killed Off with a wall of anger

The fantasy of warm, exciting but familiar sex had been shattered. The carefully planned romantic dinner topped off with sex had been destroyed. Dan's wife's fussed about the restaurant, killing his desire. Like an awkward stranger riding home he didn't say a word. Back home every noisy exaggerated movement  he made as he got busy doing chores was calculated to highlight his sense of martyrdom.

The Unforgiving Anger

Weary of the tension between them Cherie cuddled up to Dan in bed that night. She wanted to feel close to her husband again. Sex was the best way of making up, feeling good and repairing the breech. The foreplay began with Cherie stroking and kissing Dan in all the places she knew that turned him on. Dan moved away. He didn't want to forgive her that easily.

Resentment Results in Impotence

In the next two weeks Dan's mood softened and he found himself wanting sex badly. He was irritable, short tempered and tired of his self-imposed celibacy. He found himself getting instantly aroused at work when female colleagues were near by. He was consumed with the thought of sex, preventing him from concentrating on work. It was time to resume having sex with his wife. Exciting and erotic images of sex with Cherie culminated in him taking the initiative one night. Her eager response was instantly arousing. No more foreplay was necessary. He was ready for intercourse.

But just at that crucial moment he went limp.

How Fury Led To Erectile Dysfunction

When Dan got mad at Cherie for not appreciating his efforts, and for ignoring his needs, he had to survive an attack on his self image. The best way to bolster his sense of self-worth was to get angry. That made him feel righteous and entitled to deprive her of sex. Resentment towards Cherie turned into a need for vengeance. The need to punish her killed off feelings of sexual desire.

Days later when he had recovered from the rejection, Dan's sexual desires returned. But the sexual circuitry in his body wasn't ready to risk being vulnerable with the person who had badly wounded him only a couple of weeks ago. Danger signals were being sent to his body preventing Dan from having an erection. His mind and body were on different rhythmic schedules.

Four Steps For Dan To Disconnect His Anger From Sexual Performance

1. Write down the unspoken contract he made with Cherie in his mind.

It may say something like " You will enjoy and appreciate my way of pleasing you at the time of my choosing." Seeing this expectation in black and white gives Dan a chance to become aware of what he is demanding and whether it is realistic.

2. Dan should consider who he is trying to please.

If he truly wants to please Cherie, he would do better to plan around her mood, and offer gifts when she is receptive, rather than trying to manipulate her emotions to suit his needs. Paradoxically, he would then feel good because she responded well. If he is trying to please himself then he is setting himself up for disappointment because he cannot predict and control Cherie's reactions.

3. Dan needs to decide whether he wants a puppet or a partner.

If Dan is resentful and irritated, his frustration puts him into control mode. At those moments he will want Cherie to be his puppet. He will get furious when he cannot control the puppet, making him impotent.

If he feels concern and empathy with Cherie, he wants a partner. He is in tune with Cherie and enjoys her genuine pleasure when they do things together. He's more flexible, timing his gifts for maximum effect. Intimacy will be enhanced and his sexual apparatus will feel safe enough to do it's job when he asks it to perform.

4. Dan needs to share his expectations and disappointments with Cherie.

Conversing with Cherie about her needs and preferences gives her the message that Dan cares as much about her pleasure as his own. Dan will no longer have to chose between pleasing himself or Cherie. Nor will he have to meet his own sexual needs by impressing her with fancy dinners or expensive gifts.

Mutual enjoymnent of sex begins and depends on an ever constant conversation about each other. The flow of words translates into a flow of sexual intimacy. Affection increases and leads to a more natural sex life. Instead of sex being used to score points, punish, or mend fences, it signifies love, admiration and attraction for one another.

Chosing a partner over a puppet allows Dan's body to be ready anytime he wants!

You may also like:

Why your sex life doesn't work and three ways to revive it

Why your sex life is non-existent and how to get it going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of an eye

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Choose! Your Mother Or Me!

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin's mother for the top spot in his attentions. She wanted to feel his soft responsiveness – she Tanya wanted to be his one and only. She had a very clear picture of how things should be if Martin was truly committed to her The zoom lens in her mind zeroed in on Martin and Tanya holding hands in the forefront. All other family members were wallpaper in the background.

A savage bile rose in Tanya's throat as she heard Martin talk to his mother on the phone. His patient, understanding and placating voice made Tanya want to cut the wire on the land line and smash up his cell phone.

Tanya Presents An Ultimatum

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow" Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

" Her blood pressure is always high, and you fall for it every time! What about my blood pressure? I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I don't know how much more of this I can take. If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the struggle.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Tanya Gives Martin The Cold Shoulder

Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. This was the fight of her life. It was her chance to insist on having a relationship on her terms.

Martin is Desperate To Win Tanya Back

As time wore on, Martin felt empty and lonely. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner. He felt ashamed that being such a caring son could cost him big time. So he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary.

Suffering Tanya and Martin Forgive but Don't Forget

In her fortress Tanya shifted from righteous indignation towards loneliness and hurt. She spurned Martin's efforts to make up, until hurt and isolation overwhelmed her pride. Eventually their mutual hunger to restore the status quo propelled them to forgive one and other. Both vowed to be more understanding and supportive during times of conflict. Until the next time Tanya felt she was in competition with Martin's mother for his attention. And so the cycle continued.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Should Martin Jump Out Of the Pan Into the Fire?

Martin was attracted to Tanya's strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty. Ever since his father died Martin had been the man in the family. Torn between being the apple of his mother's eye and the love of Tanya's life, he was overwhelmed with conflict. The silver lining showed through when he felt the strong pull of both women wanting him. That was worth all the agonies he endured.

Tanya Wants All Or Nothing

Tanya was drawn to Martin's close family ties that lasted well into adulthood. If things didn't work out for Martin he always had his family to fall back on. Not her, she had no one. She had brought herself up, relying on no one but herself. But now she wanted some of that for herself. She wanted to have that strong tie, just like Martin had with his mother. She had waited long enough to find the right person. Martin had seemed just right for the job. He was warm, loving, loyal and a good listener. The only trouble was, Tanya wasn't willing to share. It had to be all or nothing. He had to give up his mother and choose Tanya to prove his love.

Tanya and Martin Both Feel Powerless

Both Tanya and Martin share a sense of powerlessness. Tanya the independent one wants to depend on Martin. She is unable to wrest him away from his mother and claim him for herself. Martin wants to be independent of his mother but not get sucked into another dependent relationship with Tanya. What if Tanya leaves him and he has no mother to fall back on?

Unhooking From the Power Pegs

Both have an excellent chance of making their relationship work if they follow these guide lines. Psychotherapy will help both become stronger in themselves, more flexible and more tolerant of one another.

1. Martin has to develop boundaries that are able to safeguard him from fear of being engulfed.

2. Martin needs to experiment with acting on his own initiative and build his emotional muscles

3. Tanya needs to play with her definition of love, making it more elastic and allowing for ebbs and flows depending on circumstance

4. Tanya needs to tell herself that she doesn't have to win a war in order to be worthy of being loved.

Research indicates that couples have the best chance of maintaining a solid connection if they learn to feel gratitude towards one another and if they genuinely forgive the everyday hurts that come with the territory.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Patsy swallows her feelings and gets tired out

Patsy spent her forty-fifth birthday with her elderly mother who complained about the food being cold and bland. Patsy bit her tongue and tried to make something more appetizing. Her sister called to wish her a happy birthday, then made excuses as to why she couldn’t take care of their mother next weekend. Patsy was outraged that she was expected to be the dutiful child while her siblings got away with it. She ground her teeth, stuffed the indignation and continued with her chores. She was tired and didn’t want to create family tensions.

At the birthday dinner that evening Patsy heard Jasper and the kids fight. She was upset that the family bickering never took a rest. She was hurt that no one considered her feelings. She felt lonely, sad and unimportant at that moment. Fighting back tears, Patsy took a sip of water and swallowed her feelings. She stepped in and made the peace. Drained of energy and enthusiasm Patsy pretended to enjoy herself when the cake and candles arrived.

Patsy's stuffed emotions erased her energy

Patsy was tired and achy the next day. She wished she could just put her body down and walk away from it. She didn’t want to shop and make dinner. She didn’t want to pick up the kids from school. She didn’t want to do the laundry or take the dog for a walk. If only she could stay in bed and watch television, and never have to worry about anyone or anything else.

Patsy is exhausted but her family think she is pretending

Waking up feeling wiped out was familiar. This had been going on for a few months. Her doctor gave her tonics, supplements and vitamins but nothing helped. Her blood work came back normal and no hormonal imbalance was detected after a thorough panel of tests. Her family mocked her tiredness feeling like she was putting it on.

A diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) Shames Patsy

The diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome stunned Patsy and her husband. How could she have this condition for which there was no physical cause? It just didn’t make sense that her body was suffering real exhaustion and lack of energy when every organ and system was working efficiently. Patsy felt accused of malingering. She felt ashamed to speak about her constant fatigue without having a medical reason for it. Unable to handle the implication that she was a bit ‘screwed up’ and weak, Patsy refused to join a support group. She decided to struggle on and push past the exhaustion.

Patsy is so tired she forgets things and puts her family in danger

Patsy began forgetting things. She was making mistakes and getting easily distracted. She began to cry quietly in the car when she missed her turns, forgot to pick up her son from basketball practice and left the stove on all day when she ran out of the house in a hurry. The harder she tried to remember what jobs to do, when and in what order, the more fatigued she got. It was becoming very tough to concentrate fully on keeping everything running smoothly. Her bones ached and her muscles just didn’t want to move. She was worried about letting her family down. But she never said anything about her fears, her worries and her alarm about her errors and memory problems.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Research evidence about Chronic Fatigue Syndroms

Trauma, stress and suppressing of emotions are factors in CFS

Patsy experienced childhood trauma, prolonged stress and experienced much psychological distress. Research has detected links between these three factors and the likelihood of getting CFS in later adulthood.

The Center for Disease Control reports on a study published in 2006 that links stress and childhood trauma to later life Chronic Fatigue syndrome.

The experience of marked and sustained psychological distress was found to be a distinguishing factor in CFS sufferers as reported in a 1997 study by the Institutes of Health.

A 2007 study also reported by the Institutes of health indicates that not being able to talk about your emotions (alexithymia) is often a marker of CFS sufferers.

Patsy finally deals with her emotions when her fatigue leads to serious mistakes

The weight of Patsy’s stress, unacknowledged emotions and distress made her chronically fatigued. It was so huge she buckled. The suppressed feelings overflowed into other areas, affecting her memory, clarity of thinking and ability to make sound judgments. Basically Patsy collapsed under the burden of undigested emotions. Alarm let her to therapy. She learned that feelings are normal and useful. She began to connect to all those experiences that had broken her heart. Her energy levels returned. As she found strength in expressing herself so her body regained it’s strength and vigor. Patsy is learning to talk about her feelings as she experiences them with her family and friends. There is a feeling of lightness in her muscles and bones. She plays a round of golf every morning and is volunteering at her local preschool.

Take the intimacy quiz and discover your comfort level with sharing emotions

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

No Welcome Home Made Jeremy Angry

There was no happy smile. There was no light in her eyes. There was no bear hug. There was no gasp of welcoming delight. Jeremy's expectation of a warm and affectionate homecoming was decimated. Wasn't it only yesterday that they had exchanged messages of longing to see one another? Wasn't it only a minute ago that his whole body was throbbing in anticipation of feeling held by his wife as if he was her most precious possession? What could have changed in such a short time? Shock, disappointment and anger began to rise up and choke him.

" What happened to my welcome home greeting? Guess I'm out of luck! Jeremy commented pointedly.

Brandy's Wall Is Up

" Sorry, I can't do that. You are going hiking this weekend, so my wall is up." Brandy tried to explain.

Incensed with anger and frustration Jeremy poured out a brew of hurt and disappointment, steeped in protest.

" I'm sick of your stuff getting in the way of our relationship. I don't give a damn about your wall, or why you need to put it up. Why can't you put your stuff aside for just a minute and make room for me?"  he demanded.

" I'm tired of you making demands on me. I can't turn on and off to suit you. I have feelings too!" Brandy asserted.

Where is The Wife He Signed Up For?

A torrent of justifications rushed through his mind as he unpacked.

" I'm going hiking for the weekend – you'd think she would want to get some hugs in before I go! I don't know what crazy ideas get into her head and I don't care. I'm tired of trying to figure her out. I don't see why I should have to jump her stupid wall! She needs to climb out and be the wife I signed up for!"

All Jeremy Wants is To Feel Wanted

All he really wanted was to get a tangible sign that Brandy wanted him as much as he wanted her. He felt his efforts at communicating in this marriage were wasted and wondered how much longer he could tolerate going down this one way street.

Jeremy Misses The Signs of Love In Brandy

As the weekend approached Jeremy got more angry. Once again it seemed like he had to take the initiative and make nice. He always had to do the work if he wanted to feel secure in the relationship. He approached his wife as if she were a cold, withholding mean person. He didn't see the quiver in her chin. He didn't see the desperation in her eyes. He didn't hear the sad voice trying to be brave.

Jeremy had no idea that Brandy was trying to hold herself together. He had no clue that she was scared of showing her feelings. He was oblivious to her longing for him to hug her and tell her she was the most precious thing in his life. They both behaved like robots.

Jeremy Loses Touch With His Loving Wife

How come Jeremy was blind to Brandy's longing? Why did he see only coldness and rejection?

When Jeremy didn't get his hug, his sense of outrage blocked out memories of their warm and tender moments. Brandy's comforting qualities ceased to exist. Brandy's past words of love and desire were obliterated. All he could see, hear and feel was coldness. He wiped out the tenderness leaving himself with the coldness. He saw half a wife, the mean side!

By Asking For A Hug Jeremy Feels Important

By asking for a hug in a sincere and spontaneous manner, Jeremy need never get disconnected from the warm side of Brandy again, because he allows all of her to be present. He gains in the long run because he will connect with her need for him, making him more secure and less angry. She doesn't have to cut herself up into little pieces and give only the part he wants at the time he demands it. The couple tune into one another and connect at a level that is mutually reassuring and comforting.

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nice guys felt like a noose around Sharon's neck

Why Do Nice Guys Make Sharon Panic?

Sharon enjoyed the flirting until Rudolph asked if she'd like to go out with him on a date. In the blink of an eye she said "Oh, I can't. I'm really tied up and I'm not sure when I'll be free." It was as if Rudolph had pushed a panic button inside her and she had to destroy everything in her path to escape the danger that erupted out of nowhere.

Relief swept over Sharon as she drove home. But she couldn't sleep. During the next few days she felt that old familiar sadness overwhelm her again. If only Rudolph would call. When he had walked over to her at the party she had come alive. He was just the sort of man she wanted, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, self-assured and seemingly well off. She smiled thinking about how she played hard to get before she allowed him to catch her.

Why Does Sharon Reject the Very Thing She Wants?

Because she wants two different things at the same time. The trouble is she is only aware of one of them- wanting a nice guy and a successful relationship. But there is also something else she craves and that is to feel powerful, and in charge of her life. She isn't in touch with her need for power, so she can't figure out why she keeps sabotaging good relationships. She is mystified as to why what seems wonderful at the beginning turns sour very soon afterwards.

How did Sharon Develop a self-sabotage strategy?

Once upon a time when Sharon was a little girl the grown ups around her disappointed and hurt her. The only power and control she had at the time was to reject them when they tried to make nice. Paying them back by hurting and rejecting them was the only weapon she had to feel in control. It worked like a dream. Unfortunately Sharon never learned to develop other ways of feeling strong and in charge of her life. So she continues to use the old ways that now work against her. Now she is the loser. She sabotages her own hearts desire.

Two voices compete for attention

Who is going to win -Power mad Sharon or Lonely Sharon?

Sharon's two competing parts are Power hungry Sharon, and Lonely Sharon. Power mad Sharon thinks lonely Sharon is a loser, easily seduced and just plain dumb. She can't trust lonely Sharon to judge the sincerity of guys. Just look at her track record!

Lonely Sharon falls for the sweet words and becomes a submissive lamb. Power crazed Sharon has to watch her like a hawk and swoop in before it's too late. She doesn't want to be left picking up the pieces of lonely Sharon's broken heart again.

So, power mad Sharon allows lonely Sharon a bit of rope. "Go on, you can flirt a bit, enjoy it while you can." But the moment lonely Sharon decides to take it a step further, power mad Sharon gets the guns out and blows the guy out of the water. Power mad Sharon enjoyed the chase but is ecstatic when she saves lonely Sharon from messing up.

Power crazy Sharon wins the battle. She feels proud of herself for being a good protector. Unfortunately she oversteps the mark every time, crushing the chances of lonely Sharon ever having a secure and trusting relationship.

But Sharon wouldn't deliberately Sabotage herself?

That's right, if she was aware of how she may be acting against her own interests, she would not see the guy as a monster. She really does want a partner, but she also wants to protect herself from being let down, and thrown out for a newer model. The fear of being let down is so huge that she uses her power as a sledge hammer to demolish every potential relationship before she has had a chance to see if they were safe.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Sharon feel powerful and be in a relationship?

There are five steps that Sharon can take that will increase her chances of a making a good connection without living in fear of being dumped.

1. Ask herself what she likes and dislikes about the guy if there seems to be mutual attraction. Look for evidence of the good and bad things, so that her lens is neither too rosy nor too black. That balance will help keep her as objective as possible, making sabotage much less likely.

2. Take the time to check in with herself about what she wants from the potential relationship. This includes physical attraction, financial security, humor, empathy, as well as the ability to read her and respond that neither invades her boundaries nor leaves her out in the cold.

3. Speak to the guy about what she wants in real time as it happens, so he will understand her needs and attempt to meet her expectations. This act alone will give her power and create good boundaries so she isn't wimpy and helpless.

4. Make space inside her for the fact that the guy may actually like her personal qualities. That will make her feel more secure and tamp down power mad Sharon's need to bring out the sledge hammer.

5. Be clear about what hurts or disappoints her as well as what she enjoys in the relationship. Communicate it as it comes up, so that there is a mixture of strength, self-confidence and self-preservation.

TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGE TEST AND FIND OUT YOUR PROFILE

Read more about understanding the role of panic in relationship problems:

Understanding your panic attacks part 1 – facing your dilemmas

Understanding your panic attacks part 2- getting past shame

Understanding your panic attacks part 3 – fear of going it alone