Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sleep Deprivation May Cost Meredith her Job

The future of Meredith's business depended on one simple thing. Getting a good night's sleep. If she wasn't on the ball, she would lose the marketing contract for a prestigious corporate firm. There was no way Meredith was going to let that happen. She couldn't afford to jeopardize her image as the whiz that put the "wow" factor into her designs.

Mistakes Piled up As Meredith Slowed Down

Simple jobs that took fifteen minutes now seemed to take over two hours and slowed down the entire creative process. Colleagues withdrew as she became increasingly irritable and impatient. Meredith tried to compensate by putting in longer hours but that made matters worse. Her work load increased as mistakes piled up. She had to face the fact that her erratic sleep pattern was having a disastrous effect on her performance.

The Fight To Be In Control Of Sleep

Bad habits were the first under attack. No more caffeine after 5:00 p.m. No more eating or drinking four hours before bed time. No more watching television or working in bed. Meredith followed these sleep hygiene rules with meticulous precision. That made her feel in charge as she imagined herself on top of her game at work.

Frustration When Nothing Worked

But sleep didn't come. Every minute that Meredith stayed awake seemed like an hour and each hour made her cry with frustration. It was so annoying that all her 'good behavior' went unrewarded. Self-help books, radio docs and alternative medicine gurus recommended meditation, exercise, natural supplements, herbal teas, acupuncture and 'giving up' the desire to sleep! None of them did the trick. The only thing left were prescription meds. The thought of getting addicted and dealing with a bunch of unknown side effects was a lot scarier than dealing with sleep deprivation.

Meredith Faces Her Biggest Fear – Failure

Horror movies played out in Meredith's imagination as she strove to get through those unbearably slow nights. The feature film title was failure. She won the Oscar for her masterful characterizations of losers and dummies, while Anxiety and fear won for best producer and director.

Anxiety Gripped Her Mind and Body

The big day arrived. The day she had to put together the final design proposal. Meredith couldn't get out of bed. She was in a paralytic stupor, her heart was pounding and her hands and feet sweated. Her body refused to budge. No amount of urging herself to 'get over it 'relieved the extreme anxiety that gripped her mind and body. Shamefully she called her partner with the news that she couldn't make it to the meeting.

The Slave Driver  Perfectionist Voice Breaks Meredith's Emotional Skeleton

Meredith was indeed sick. Her difficulty sleeping and staying asleep through the night was a red flag that something was wrong. The foundation supporting the A-plus performance had been collapsing for some time. Her emotional muscles had cramped and seized long ago but she bypassed their messages. The only voice she heard was "you have to do everything right, all the time, or else you are a failure." Without muscles to operate the bones, her emotional skeleton fractured. She became irritable, snappy and a pain to work with. Yet Meredith insisted on listening only to that rigid voice " you must be better than everyone else, or you are just a waste of space." She worked longer, harder and forced herself to try and sleep.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Meredith Finally Gets the Message

The inability to flip the switch to sleep mode made her furious. That's why her eyes stayed open. It was the only weapon guaranteed to make her 'see.' It worked. She got the message that she couldn't treat her mind and body as slaves to some ideal without killing them off.

Accepting Her Limitations

The accumulation of disrupted sleep, paralysis and anxiety attacks gave Meredith a large dose of exactly what she couldn't tolerate in herself – frailty, weakness and lack of control. Her inflexible demands and unrealistic expectations came crashing down. A major reconfiguration was underway whether she liked it or not. She learned to accept her human limitations the hard way.

Anxiety Leads To Sleep Problems

Sleep problems are often due to anxiety. The anxiety comes from unreasonable expectations of your performance within relationships and at work. Worry about creating a bad impression or losing someone important become a vicious cycle of anxiety and fear. Your energies are diverted to deal with the anxiety leaving you bereft of your inspiration, intelligence, and inventiveness – and of course sleep. If you want to be a winner and get a good night's sleep, delineate your specific job and keep it under your direct control, then execute it to the best of your ability.

Getting the Mind and Body in Synch

Taking on the appropriate load allows your body and mind to give you optimal performance. There is a hidden bonus. When your mind and body are in synch you radiate a confidence that increases the 'wow' response from your clients.

Tips on anger and stress management for satisfying relationships from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Insomnia frustrates Hudson

It was getting to be a bit much. The constant waking up in the early hours, or just not being able to get off to sleep at all. His mind just wouldn't shut down. It seemed to start just as he was closing his eyes, hoping to sleep. The intrusive thoughts were relentless now that he wasn't focusing on anything else. It was as if they delighted in using the space in his brain to torment him. He thought about what he should have said and done, what he would do next time, what might happen, what others may think and worried over other scenarios that his imagination foisted on him.

Insomnia made Hudson feel out of control and unable to enjoy life

Sleepless nights turned into weeks of irritability and stress. He wished he could stop worrying about his girlfriend’s commitment to their relationship. The thought of restful sleep was alluring, but anxiety kept his mind spinning. He went over their conversations imagining the outcome if he had said one thing rather than another. He was trying to undo mistakes in his mind, or he was way ahead in the future preparing for bad things that may happen. All the good sleep hygiene rules that he followed failed to help him relax and fall asleep.

He found it hard to relax and enjoy any moment for fear he would take his eye off the ball and land up in a big mess. Stress induced insomnia, brought on more stress and that in turn made sleeping less likely.

Stress and negative childhood experiences are precursors to insomnia

A report published in Stress and Health, 2012 found that childhood but not adolescent stress was strongly linked to shorter sleep periods, longer times before falling off to sleep and more movements during sleep for individuals that continued well into adult life. Prolonged childhood stress predisposes adults to sleep disturbance irrespective of later life stresses and later onset anxiety and or depression.

A study published in 1981 in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine found that the onset of insomnia coincided with stressful life events such as losses and illnesses compared to good sleepers. The childhood experiences of insomniac’s were most likely to be characterized by

1. Poor relationships with their parents.

2. Discontent with the quality of family relationships.

3. Less than satisfying relationships with friends and colleagues as they became adults.

Hudson had little contact with his biological father, and felt guilty and ungrateful if he wanted to spend time with him. Relationships were precarious, inconsistent and unreliable, making him very insecure. He believed he had to make family members happy at all times. He He never learned how to regulate feelings since no one spoke about it or modeled it for him. Everything was seen through a rigid prism of constraint in order to remain in the family circle. He was terrified and consumed with anxiety that if he lost control of his anger it would get the better of him, resulting in permanent loss of all significant relationships.

Hudson's anxiety about not being able to make relationships leads to insomnia

As an adult Hudson was having the same trouble making good solid connections with women and friends. He had no good models to learn from, and just kept repeating the same pattern of failure. His efforts became forced, stemming from fear and a need to control. The harder he tried the worse the results. Failure led to more stress showing up in long periods of insomnia.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Hudson improve relationships and sleep again?

1. Take one moment at a time and be fully in it.

2. Focus on other people’s interest in him without trying to mold or control it.

3. Tune into the calmness and purity of the connection that has no expectations or demands.

4. Check in with himself and feel what he wants at that moment. Go with it as near to the time of awareness as possible.

5. Notice that nothing bad is happening in that present moment.

Hudson succeeds in relationships and gets to sleep!

Hudson practiced these steps while in psychotherapy and was amazed at his ability to tolerate uncertainty from one minute to the next. He began to enjoy the relationships he was building without expecting the worst. He learned that being himself was enough for others and now he is trying to make it enough for himself. As a result the stress hormones in his system abated, making it easier for him to sleep.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

suppressed anger causes stress related skin breakouts

Office politics make Maggie stressed out and sick

Maggie wanted a quiet life. The cliques and gossip in the office made her nervous. She wanted to stay on the right side of management and not make any waves. She liked the manager at the Spa, who supported her efforts to bring in new clients. He was appreciative of her willingness to stay late and take new customers at short notice. But some of the other estheticians complained. They wanted overtime, they wanted more time in-between clients and they wanted a larger cut of the fees.

Maggie wants to stay neutral, but the stressful pressure is on!

Maggie was fond of her colleagues. She enjoyed talking to them one on one, and felt good about the confidences they shared. But when they all got together in the staff lounge and started bitching about the manager, Maggie hated it. She was uncomfortable hearing grievances from the others. She didn't share their sense of being underpaid or over used. She tended to keep quiet during these get- togethers, hoping no one would notice her neutrality.

Maggie feels wound up by her colleague

No such luck. Suzie tackled her one evening as they were closing the spa together. "What do you think about us all getting more rest breaks in-between clients? You never say anything. I never know whether you are with us or against us."

" I can see why you want more time in-between sessions, but it's not that bad" replied Maggie trying to duck out of answering the question. She felt Suzie withdraw and give her the silent treatment. The stress made her stomach churn and her temples throb.

She felt rejected because she had been disloyal to her colleague. She felt punished and wished she didn't have to put up with this pulling and pushing between management and staff. It reminded her of her having to choose which parent she wanted to live with during her parents divorce proceedings. Memories of having to hurt her mother when she picked a weekend with her dad, or vice versa flooded her mind. Breaking out in skin rashes got her out of having to take sides. When she was old enough she moved far away from them, hoping never to have to make such impossible choices again.

Pushed away by colleagues, but pulled in by management adds to the stress

Jeff the Spa manager asked to speak to Maggie the next day as she started her shift. He wanted to get the skinny on what was brewing among the staff. He trusted Maggie and let her know that her cooperation would be remembered and rewarded. Maggie wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She didn't want to snitch, nor did she want to keep Jeff in the dark. He was good to her, and he was paying her salary. She tried to change the subject and talk about new ideas to improve the services of the spa. The phone rang just in time. She escaped, but her face, neck and arms broke out in a raw, red itchy rash.  

The anger and stress showed itself vividly with the ugly embarrassing skin breakout.

Maggie is an outcast unable to manage her fear and stress

Maggie went through the day feeling like a pariah. Her colleagues wouldn't look at her or smile at her. They ignored her at their break times, and didn't include her when they ordered lunch from the local deli. Maggie was mortified. She found it hard to concentrate on her clients. She imagined the other estheticians talking about her behind her back, viewing her as the enemy. Maggie felt alone and fearful of her position at the Spa. The only one who spoke to her was Jeff, and each time he did, the others raised their eyebrows in disdain. She was given an ultimatum at the end of this interminable day. "Either be one of us, or go with management" said Suzie.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The day of reckoning looms

Maggie didn't want to be out of favor with her colleagues. She wanted to belong to a cohesive group of work mates. How could she stomach being ostracized while still working in the same environment? She couldn't run away from them as she had done from her parents.

Maggie's facial skin erupted in huge welts just as it was time to go into the Spa next morning. There was no way she could go in looking like that, and she certainly couldn't work with clients in this condition. She was off the hook. The rash bought her some much needed time. Focusing on the urgent needs of her body took her mind off the intolerable conflict she was facing.

After all dermatological treatments proved ineffective, Maggie reluctantly came to my office. She discovered that her adult choices didn't have the power to hurt and destroy relationships as they appeared to do in her childhood. Maggie became more confident with voicing her truth. Her skin responded with gratitude. Maggie is no longer stuck on the fence. She is way out over it!

Tips on Anger management for Satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger overwhelmed Conrad when he couldn’t hang on to a relaxing day.

Conrad woke up angry and upset. Why did the good time have to end? He had relaxed, enjoyed being spontaneous and free with family and friends at the barbecue yesterday, but he was angry that it hadn’t lasted long enough. He wanted more of that feeling of utter abandonment and not caring what anyone thought. Conrad was angry that only eighteen hours later he had to settle for a fast fading memory.

Anger put the lid back on Conrad’s joy so he wouldn’t feel the loss.

A sense of loss invaded Conrad’s mood. He couldn’t allow himself to wallow in sadness, and anger borne of protest. He pulled himself together and set about getting on with the tasks of the day. As the hours flowed, Conrad felt ‘bunged up’ and irritable. He was curt in his interactions. He didn’t want to talk about or share his happy experience from yesterday. It was as if it had never happened. He put the brakes on the pleasant memories by multi-tasking and focusing on accomplishing the items on his agenda. Better to spend energy on things for which there was a tangible result than relive moments from his liberating experience of the day before. The latter only led to anger that he had been prematurely wrenched away from a rejuvenating source.

Anger helped Conrad keep his joyful but messy emotions under control.

Returning to the routines of regular life meant Conrad had to be ‘in control’ again. He had to watch for signs of excitement, joy, eager anticipation, the thrill of the unknown and the risk of letting people see him the way he really was. The earliest rumblings had to be quickly stamped on and killed. He put the shackles back on and wore a mask of robotic predictability. What was joy yesterday became ‘out of control messiness’ today. Relaxation, fun and being authentic turned into images of ‘disgusting sentimentality.’

Conrad had ‘bunged up’ his inclination to be authentic, feel his feelings without being self-conscious and be happy in his own skin. Putting a stopper on the bottle of joy and authenticity made him feel safe, contained and in control. He wasn’t allowed to enjoy life with others by being true to himself for more than a day at a time. It felt like he had exceeded his quota and now he had to be boxed in, ‘bunged up’ and not allowed out for a long time. He was afraid of allowing his feelings of joy to come out again for fear that he wouldn’t be able to modulate them.

Anger serves two important functions for Conrad.

Conrad’s experienced anger in two ways. First as a tool to stifle real and permanent feelings of enjoyment with life. The anger burned any strands of happiness that lingered beyond their allotted time. Secondly, after the massacre of joy, and no possibility of messy emotions, Conrad was safe enough to feel the anger of having to be his own executioner. Why was Conrad such a self-punishing control freak?

As a young child Conrad felt all his feelings naturally, fully, deeply and in the moment. But the reaction he got from his parents made him despise and fear his own feelings. His mother couldn’t tolerate Conrad’s genuine sadness or pain. She was unable to understand or comfort Conrad. He effectively ‘lost’ his mother by expressing his feelings organically. Conrad’s show of feelings scared his father, who set out to terminate them. There was no empathy, understanding or comfort. Just fear and abandonment.

Conrad was forced to become the terminator extraordinaire of his feelings.

Conrad learned to control his feelings from the get go so his mother wouldn’t be ‘disgusted’ and disown him. Conrad discovered that ‘bunging’ up his emotions was the only way to ensure that his father stayed calm and available to take care of him. He became the terminator extraordinaire!

Anger was used as a masochistic weapon to stomp on joy.

Just imagine the anger Conrad piled up each time he had to chop off his feelings in order to make sure his parents would stay around!

Just imagine the anger that built up when Conrad realized time and time again that his emotions were threatening to his parents, and as a result became a threat to his safety and well-being.

Just imagine the anger that boiled over and spilled into his existence when he had to curtail his enjoyment of life so that he didn’t become ‘out of control and messy!’

Just imagine the anger that Conrad got in touch with as an adult when he tasted some good times and found himself scurrying to put the shackles back on!

photo copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Conrad can use his anger to regain his right to feel joyful.

Conrad’s anger at having to be ‘bunged up’ is healthy anger and opens up a pathway to break from the stranglehold he has imposed on himself most of his life. He has an opportunity to do a reality check and discover whether his natural feelings really are over the top, scary, and disgusting.

Conrad can recall the connection he made with all the people at the barbecue who were all with him when he lived in the moment and didn’t hold back. That is one piece of reality that shows his feelings are acceptable and facilitate bonding experiences.

He can also start to check in with himself and learn that he can modulate his emotions in a way that allows for joy over a longer term.

Anger at being his own murderer can provide Conrad with the incentive to give himself credit for being able to manage feelings without having to be a control junkie.

Giving up anger as a weapon for psychological suicide by killing joy, and embracing anger as a fuel to develop self-trust and acceptance is Conrad’s best way forward.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Read more on empathy Read more on client experiences of managing emotions in therapy

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Judgements about her parenting were like thorns arousing anger!

Charlotte was irritated with her three year old daughter who wouldn’t stop pulling the cat’s tail.

She was about ready to tear her hair out when Millie just squealed and pulled even harder with each reprimand Charlotte uttered. What really made her angry was her husband’s response.

Barry had the nerve to come over and say “I’m tired of hearing you yell at Millie when I get home from work!”

“ So why don’t you give me some tips on being a better parent!” Charlotte said, while hoping to pick up some successful strategies without having to admit her desperation.

“Why can’t you just be more patient!” Barry replied impulsively but truthfully.

“ You should have stayed at work!” Charlotte said, twisting the knife into Barry’s sore spot.

“Stop ordering me around. I hate it when you speak to me as if I’m an idiot.” Barry hit back.

fear at skeletons coming out of the closet sparked anger

Overwhelming anger was much safer than feeling sad and helpless

Barry was furious that he was being rejected

Charlotte was angry that she was being judged.

Both got defensive and attacked each other to protect themselves from further blows.

Both avoided facing a worse feeling – pain and sadness.

Anger protects Charlotte and Barry from feeling wiped out

Getting in touch with sadness and grief can be overwhelming. You fear that it will be like a big black greedy hole sucking you in like a turbo charged vacuum cleaner. You imagine that you will never be able to get back out and function in a meaningful way. You will be helpless and hopeless. Deep sadness can threaten to rob you of your sense of power and control, because it touches you in a place where you are at the mercy of a loved one’s attention. The full force of loss hits you in a way that is unbearable. Facing the loss of attention and focus of your loved one may as well mean you don’t exist.

What is the awful sadness that Barry and Charlotte can't face?

Charlotte’s sadness stems from the fact that.

1. She can’t control her daughter and feels like a bad mother.

2. Her husband doesn’t notice her struggle.

3. Her husband doesn’t show her how to handle the situation.

4. Barry doesn’t teach her how to be patient

5. She is left feeling helpless and unsupported by the one person who she looks to for help

6. She may as well not exist.

Barry’s sadness arises from the sense that

1. He can’t get his wife to see the futility of her ways with Millie.

2. His wife doesn’t make him feel needed.

3. He feels unimportant and useless.

4. His way of helping isn’t received in a positive manner.

5. He is dismissed when he steps in.

6. He may as well not exist

anger shuts the door on closeness and mutual support

Anger gives you vitality – but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result.
• But you pay a big price.
• You may feel fully alive and vital.
• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.
• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.
• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

How to use sadness rather than anger to improve relationships

1. Consider your loved one as having similar needs to yourself

2. Picture your loved being sad just like you.

3. Let sadness be your common ground

4. Ask your loved one about their fears regarding fears about being judged by you.

5. Share your own concerns about how you will be judged if you admit your faults.

6. Connect in the space where you are both sad.

Benefits to both parties

A. Realizing you are not alone in the sadness will make it bearable.

B. Reaching out for connection through sadness will lessen the fear of being wiped out, and ultimately reduce the need for defensive anger.

C.You complement one another so that you are a team rather than two separate people vying for the title of ‘perfect person.’

D.Supportive interactions using sadness rather than defense through anger makes you stronger and more secure.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shirking duties was guaranteed to get Ezra angry

With a heaving chest and throbbing temples, Ezra clenched his jaws in anger when he found that the vegetables at the restaurant were unprepared. It was bad enough that local farmers had not supplied the eggplant he ordered for his signature dish. To find that Danny, his deputy hadn’t trimmed the artichokes was unbelievable. Anger turned to rage as Ezra started to cut away at the artichokes imagining punishing Danny with each knife stroke.

Danny arrived ten minutes later and was greeted with a scathing attack, questioning his judgment, and his commitment to Ezra’s standards and goals for the restaurant.

 Being left to clear up the mess made Ezra an angry and unforgiving task master

“How could you do this? Don’t you know how important this new menu is? You knew we had to change the dish at the last minute and still you didn’t bother to get things ready! I don’t get how you could be so thoughtless and irresponsible? Not only did I have to think of an alternative, get the artichokes and change the menu, but now I have to do your job as well! Ezra’s face became a ball of fire as anger took over the reins.

Who would be next to be scalded by Ezra's indiscriminate anger?

Flabbergasted at his boss’s angry outburst, Danny shrank back in shock. There was a hush in the kitchen as Ezra’s anger threw accusatory bullets of disapproval at them as his eyes darted from one to the other. Each one began a super fast mental scan to search for things he could find fault with, and be next in line for his wrath. It was becoming a familiar scene – Ezra expecting them to do their jobs as if they were him, and when they didn’t, his anger scalded them as if he’d dropped them in boiling water.

Ezra's anger was born from being dismissed and ignored as a child

Ezra hadn’t always been this way. He had been a quiet and gentle person, never mentioning his disappointments. He had learned early in life that his mother wasn’t going to be around when he got home from school, and that she wasn’t concerned about how he was doing or feeling. A dismissing mother and an invisible father made Ezra feel unfairly orphaned and bitterly angry. The anger was stifled as he became self-sufficient out of necessity, and gave the impression that he needed no one.

Except when it came to work. That’s where Ezra felt safe enough to let out the steaming anger. The sight of those unprepared artichokes turned Danny into his bad parents, and Ezra became the furious punishing child.

Turning the anger on himself protected Ezra's fragile relationships

Self-loathing filled Ezra’s existence for hours after his outbursts. He was embarrassed and ashamed at his loss of control. Not only was Ezra angry at the staff for not doing their jobs according to his expectations, but he got even more angry with himself for showing his anger. Fury and disappointment at the workers got turned into self-flagellation, punishing himself for acting like a child having a tantrum.

Self-inflicted anger poured salt on Ezra's wounds

Ezra’s self-inflicted anger was masochistic, pouring salt on the wound of having his expectations dashed, yet again. Alone and scared Ezra read books and researched the internet for strategies to manage his emotions He got the facts about anger and memorized the most useful tactics that applied to his situations, but when he was faced with someone he relied on not doing their job and dumping it on him, he blew up every time.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Horror, humiliation and hurt led Ezra to a place of healing

This incident with Danny was the most humiliating moment of Ezra’s life. Horror at his angry behavior turned up the volume on his self-disgust and hatred, making him scared to be with people. The pain of not having the parents he was entitled to and the shame of behaving so badly propelled Ezra to psychotherapy. As he overcame his shame and impatience he learned that he had never forgiven his parents for not being there for him. Anyone who didn’t do their job right or made a mistake got a beating meant for his parents. At least he could get an apology from them that would never come from his parents.

As he worked through these pieces of unfinished business that acted as incendiary devices, Ezra learned to tell the difference between parental abrogation of duty and let downs from others. The solid, reliable and consistent therapeutic relationship helped Ezra interact with people as they were, rather than as stand-ins for his unsupportive parents. Ezra is now compassionate with himself and others.

Read more about feeling needy in relationships.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.
 

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and hate consumed Sebastian

Anger that his marriage hadn’t worked out the way he hoped washed over Sebastian from the minute he woke up. He was angry with his selfish wife. He was angry that she didn’t seem to want to help their son with his homework or encourage him in sports. Sebastian was angry that he had to take care of everything at home while Loretta showed little concern for the family.

Anger became stronger when Sebastian compared work to home life

Teaching music to kids at school was his only escape. The lack of joint rhythms in his marriage was countered by the magical blending of sounds the children made into enjoyable harmonies. However, the fact that Sebastian could get the kids to act together for a common goal made him all the more angry that his efforts to do the same with his marriage failed.

Anger at not picking the right wife made Sebastian beat up on himself

Most of all Sebastian was angry with himself for picking Loretta as a wife. He berated himself for being blind to her faults when they were courting. Sebastian felt adored and wanted by Loretta before they married. He imagined she would focus on him and the family they made with an energy that would prove her devotion and his worth. Sebastian saw the chance to have a reliable and sacrificial caring partner who would put family first. What he got shattered his dreams. The birth of their son turned her into a tired, complaining wife who did less and less for the family. Sebastian got more and more irritated, resentful and angry that his burden was increasing while Loretta became more insular.

Anger at being forced into breaking up the family was horrifying

Divorce had crossed his mind several times. Each time Sebastian felt upset and angry with Loretta, his determination to get divorced got stronger. The moment he came to begin the process he would freeze with fear and anxiety. He cycled through this “on and off” conflict millions of times over the last two years. He just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of breaking up his family horrified him. He was angry that he had been put in a position of acting like his father who had left his family.

If only Loretta would leave! It would take the pressure off Sebastian. It would absolve him of being the family murderer. Sebastian’s anger with Loretta’s insensitivity took a toll on his health. He got sciatica and severe headaches which took him out of action. He managed to continue working and got relief and pleasure from that. At home the anger and pain got stronger. He had to stay in bed for long periods, leaving his wife and son to manage by themselves.

Masochistic anger that made Sebastian sick got him out of the trap

Sebastian was caught in an unenviable trap. He wanted out of his marriage but he didn’t want to be the one to break it up. He wanted to undo his bad choice but he didn’t want to feel like a killer. He wanted to find a more satisfying relationship but he didn’t want to live with the guilt of being a home breaker. He just couldn’t find the strength and resolve to cut his losses and improve his life and that of his son. Loretta hadn’t cheated on him or done anything he could use as a legitimate reason for divorce. She just wasn’t the devoted and care taking spouse he desired. She was more like his own mother, depressed and ineffectual. Sebastian’s mother had never got over the desertion of her husband. His mother had become withdrawn and did the minimum to maintain the family system.

Physical pain was easier to bear than feelings of intense anger

Anger helped Sebastian to avoid his fear and guilt. Anger at his father for deserting him, anger at his mother for not moving on, anger at his wife for being like his mother, and now anger at himself for doing the same was too much to bear. The only way he could cope was to turn the anger against himself by making himself sick. It was easier to feel physical pain than the pain of feeling like a beast if went for the divorce and acted like his father. It was more tolerable to suffer with headaches and sciatica than feel the disgust of being weak and giving up on life like his mother.

Perhaps Sebastian's wife would take action if he got sick with anger

Underneath all the physical pain and emotional turmoil Sebastian attempted to solve his difficult dilemma. If he was sick and unable to take care of the family, Loretta would be forced into action. Perhaps she would get upset enough to leave and save Sebastian from having to be a home breaker. Without being conscious of it, Sebastian was setting her up to do what he wished, letting him off the hook. The only way he could do it without feeling the shame, guilt and fear of divorce was to be massively angry and turn it inwards masochistically. He was willing to risk psychological suicide in the desperate hope that Loretta would sever the ties.

Dealing with his conflict helped Sebastian forgive himself and move on

Sebastian’s life was unbearable miserable and affecting his work and his son. He found psychotherapy a safe and neutral place for him to process his years of anger that he had held in. Anger at his parents, his wife and himself. As he felt the sadness and desolation of his childhood he began forgiving himself for wanting to end his marriage. Steps towards understanding and forgiving his imperfect family made him accept his own imperfections and that helped him take steps to make a better life for himself, his son and his wife as they agreed to part.

Why isn't my brother here when I need him?

The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations became a blur as her eyes kept scanning the huge hall for her elder brother.

Yvonne's friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of smiling as she thanked her thoughtful pals.

It's too late

" You are amazing sis. I always knew you could do it." Larry's voice penetrated the jubilant atmosphere as he made ready to embrace his sister. Yvonne wanted to jump for joy and strangle Larry simultaneously. Pride made Yvonne choose rage. " It's too late now!" she responded as her "You missed everything!"

" Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but I'm here for the party," Larry said making light of it.

"'There's always something! You knew how important this was to me. I only get to do this once in my life, and you couldn't make the effort to be there for me!" Yvonne cut him dead.

Yvonne's hot button gets triggered big time

In that split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry's feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. As a child she had dealt with the hurt by trying even harder. Anger wasn't an option. It could sever the tenuous ties with her parents for ever.

Yvonne's hot button consists of layers of compressed anger and resentment created during a formative period in her life. It is old, cracked, dry and excellent tinder material. Fresh disappointments ignite the ball of raw emotion making the hot button explode. Larry's failure to attend Yvonne's graduation was a reincarnation of the past. He personified every past failure to acknowledge and recognize her legitimate achievements.

Yvonne's fury fractures the relationship with Larry

No longer constrained by the fear of loss,years of fury and resentment came out full throttle. The intensity of her feeling turned into an unspoken demand. It went something like this.

"Brother, you must make up for all those times mom and dad disappointed me and tossed me aside. You have to be the good parent now."

That put him in a straight jacket. He didn't perform in the way that Yvonne insisted, and was labeled a failure. Yvonne's demands were not met giving her a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractured under pressure.

Yvonne didn't speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel some of her pain. She dismissed him just like he had dismissed her by missing the ceremony. She felt the enormous power of retribution, like a bulldozer indiscriminately knocking down every source of frustration, disappointment and heartbreak in her psychic landscape.

Yvonne's brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage

As the bulldozer ran out of gas Yvonne was deflated. She flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren't worth a damn if her brother couldn't get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn't care about her, why should she care about herself?

The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne had inflicted the worst punishment on herself. Larry's congratulation didn't arrive at the right time, or in the right way. It wasn't the perfect fit she demanded. She rejected his offerings and denied herself the accolade she craved. A brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage.

Unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, made her doubly deprived. Furious that she was being robbed of her entitlements added to the stock pile of fuel feeding her hot button. The more she felt the betrayed by the one person who should be honoring her, the hotter the button sizzled. Reinforced by attention the hot button got stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.http://losangeleswestsidetherapy.com/intimacy/trust-and-betrayal/#.VbOx1flcLdc

As she tires of torturing herself, Yvonne can get a handle on her hot button. She can mourn the loss of validation withheld by her parents. That allows her to separate the past from the present and deal with new disappointments more realistically. Yvonne can take charge of her hot button by valuing affirmations from friends and colleagues. She can also treasure Larry's attempts to honor her even if they don't come in exactly the right package. Layers of acknowledgment will replace the layers of resentment, making Yvonne one cool lady!

Louis's shock turns to disbelief and anger

The world caved in on Louis when his girlfriend of three years ditched him, complaining he was ‘too needy!’ Louis had been the devoted boyfriend and caretaker. He did whatever she asked no matter what the cost to him. He cut out his friends and family. He stopped playing sports and dropped out of college. When the shock of his rude dismissal from the relationship hit him, he went through a period of disbelief and then he became angry.

Getting zero return on his relationship investment made Louis furious

Louis had given her his undivided attention, and anticipated her every need. He lost himself in the relationship and was furious that his investment had failed. Louis despondently recalled his fitness routine in the gym and on the basketball court. He remembered the exhilaration of Marshall arts and the fun he had winding down with his mates. He thought of the ease with which he sailed through high school math and science. He could have done a lot with his talents and energy. By rights he ought to be on a stimulating career path, earning good money. But at the age of 26 he was penniless, jobless and rooming with a relative. He was overweight, out of shape and despondent.

The anger of wasted potential jump started Louis's recovery

Anger washed over the sad and sorry parts of Louis. He hated feeling beaten and hung out to dry. It reminded him of the times his mother scolded him for not doing his homework right the first time. He relived the sting of his teachers calling him lazy, and other students mocking him with jealousy when he got straight ‘A’ grades without studying. Louis felt the taste of his wasted potential as his rage kicked him in the gut. He couldn’t sleep, eat or enjoy hanging out with friends. Louis decided to rediscover his old self and bring it up to speed.

Louis used anger as his power tool to rebuild his self-esteem

Louis developed a daily routine at the gym. He found his way back into a basketball team and practiced hard. It made him feel strong and on fire. He focused his attention on getting his body toned up with a good diet. He slept better and woke refreshed ready to explore his abilities. He enrolled in college and took a full set of classes to make up for the wasted years. He found himself to be sharp, able to concentrate and achieve grades he was proud of.

There are many resources in Max's tool box to use anger productively

What does research tell us about anger and achievement?

In 2007 a study outlined in the Journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that anger is often helpful in thinking through a problem in a more rational and analytical manner. Louis used his anger exactly in this way. He had been blinded by the relationship and fear of loss. Anger at being dumped made him think more clearly and rationally about his needs and he set about putting his own house in order.

A 2008 study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science suggests that anger is beneficial when people have to perform confrontational tasks. Anger improved performance on tasks that involved ‘beating an enemy.’ Louis had many internal enemies. Louis had to confront the fact that he had been rejected. He had to confront the loss of self-esteem, self-respect and his part in losing himself in a one-way relationship.

Ten ways Louis used anger to build himself up and succeed.

1. Anger lit the fire of personal control and power

2. Anger propelled Louis to focus on himself- his present and his future.

3. Anger at being dumped made Louis decide to zoom in on his dormant strengths and skills.

4. Anger helped Louis to shut out distractions and focus his energy and intelligence to take charge of his life.

5. Anger made Louis determined to feel capable and accomplished.

6. Anger pushed Louis to test himself and feel the pride of success.

7. Anger directed Louis to put himself through his paces, reaching new heights.

8. Anger allowed Louis to come back fighting, performing better and ever.

9. Anger took Louis from a sense of defeat and loss to triumph and gain.

10. Anger drove Louis to overcome the humiliation of being dumped and find multiple reasons to think and believe well of himself.

We have all seen athletes and opposing teams whether political or commercial ‘psyche’ themselves up with anger in order to ‘win.’ Louis’s case is an example of using anger to win the internal battles with yourself against your own blind spots.

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