Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Just the thought of being anxious is enough to make you anxious! Who wants the worry, the knots in the stomach, the thoughts of impending doom and the urgency that compels you to prevent it? Perhaps no one consciously chooses to be anxious, but it may be best buffer against selfish, grabbing relationships.

Past experiences infect the present frothing up anxiety

Jody was a loner, loved to read and listen to music. She woke up most mornings burdened with the weight of the day ahead. She felt tired and worn out even before she began the day, anticipating what people might think of her. She was concerned with who was looking over her shoulder, waiting to accuse her of doing something wrong. She expected to encounter situations that she wouldn't be able to handle. Memories of inadvertently upsetting people in the past invaded her mind. Uncomfortable past experiences infected the present, as Jody was whipped up into a froth of palpitating anxiety.

Need for comfort and reassurance

Unable to contain herself, Jody called friends and talked, or made contact via instant messaging on the Internet. The words that her friends or contacts spoke were less important than their willingness to be there, listen, reassure and make Jody feel she mattered. Jody was able to allow herself this connection because it came at a time of dire need. As soon as she felt calmer, her need for contact diminished and she would go back to her lonely existence.

Paying a retainer to insure attention

Jody was caught in a cycle of wanting contact but not being able to tolerate it for more than a short time. As soon as Jody felt good, the same people who had been her soothers, turned into blood sucking leeches. They wanted to include her in their social lives, and share their ups and downs. They wanted her to help them out when they were stressed out, and wanted her company when they were lonely. Jody experienced this as a trap, having to put her agenda on hold in order maintain the relationship. It was worse than the anxiety attacks, because it meant having to make a choice between 'me or them!' No wonder she resented invitations to be with others. It was a retainer she had to pay in order to insure their receptiveness and attention when she was scared and anxious.

The world is made up of ' givers' and 'takers'

For Jody, the world was divided into givers and takers. When she needed contact with people she put on her 'taker' costume. The idea of being a 'taker' made her feel selfish, so she had to find a way of justifying it. Panic and anxiety to the rescue! What better reason to reach out for contact? Who would refuse to offer help in this situation? The 'giver' outfit stirred up other conflicts. It was comfortable so long as she could do so on her terms. But if she was being asked to give of herself on other people's schedule, it smacked of being used, abused and sucked dry. Jody feared that others would deplete her reserves, leaving her the dregs of protest and exhaustion.

Anxiety regulates intimacy

How come Jody views relationship through such a dismal lens? Because genuine closeness and intimacy was terrifying. It meant that she would have to give and get, see and be seen, and be in an equal partnership. This was too scary, so she used her anxiety as a way of making just enough connection with others to satisfy her basic human needs. When the need for closeness had been met, she pulled away. As soon as the need for closeness recurred anxiety was a sure fire way of getting it back, just long enough to reduce the fear of being alone. Anxiety was Jody's way of regulating closeness with loved ones.

Caught in the repetitive cycle of anxiety

When making and maintaining relationships is a strain, anxiety allows you to reach out and be connected to another person. It provides the impetus for you to ask for support, comfort, company and acceptance. It gives you the opportunity to check if you are lovable, worth being with, and worthy of being taken care of. The comfort is temporary, ensuring that you continue to use anxiety attacks to replenish the stock of love-ability.

Learning to trust turns anxiety off

All the meditation and relaxation techniques in the world will not help if anxiety is your glue to relate with others. Exploring the origins of your anxiety and what purpose it is serving will be the biggest gift you give yourself, and the first step you take towards a less anxious existence. The second step is developing trust in people you interact with. Trust sets the stage for experiencing connections as rewarding rather than abusive and manipulative. It's a big risk, requires courage and a yearning for mutually supportive relationships. Psychotherapy can turn the 'me or them' script into a dialogue of 'us' that takes the stickiness out of anxiety glue.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sam is overwhelmed with expectations of criticism

The night before Sam was to meet his successful friend, his head throbbed with pain. A humdinger of a migraine was coming on. His left eyelid went into a uncontrollable spasm. He started to feel nauseous and dizzy. Sam was overwhelmed with anticipatory anxiety that Jim would criticize him. He worked really hard to impress Jim, his long time guru. Getting Jim's praise and encouragement to start his new business was the key to taking the risk.

Getting Jim's attention was crucial to Sam

Sam had been here before. He recalled Jim's harsh judgments and belittling comments every time Sam put out an opinion or idea. The more Jim knocked him down, the harder Sam tried to win his approval. Getting Jim's attention and being part of Jim's life was crucial to Sam's sense of self-worth. If Jim's eyes and words of acceptance didn't fall on him, Sam felt diminished. Jim became the source of all positive feedback and validation from the world.

If his idol crashed, what would become of Sam?

Idols retain their flawless image because the beholder needs to believe in their perfection. Jim's mistreatment was viewed as nothing other than a reflection of Sam's inadequacy. To view it any other way would be to remove Jim from the pedestal that Sam had built and sustained over the years. If his idol crashed, what would become of Sam?

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sam's body comes to the rescue

Sam's body came to the rescue. Jim showed great concern when he noticed Sam's pale face, his slurred speech and his spasmming eye lid. Jim was very worried about Sam's migraines that kept him out of action for days. He encouraged Sam to go to the doctor, he researched migraines on the internet and took time to be with his friend. Sam got his needs met without having to destroy his ideal.

Allergic to standing up for himself

Sam was not allergic to anything except standing up for himself. The eye tic, nausea and his headaches were his ticket to getting Jim's caring attention. Sam had to be sick before he was treated in a decent way because he couldn't bring himself to speak his true feelings.

Sam's choice

Sams can keep getting migraines and other physical complaints, or take baby steps to discover why self-validation doesn't feel appealing?

Sam's allergy clears up

Sam started therapy when Jim got fed up of pandering to his migraines. In psychotherapy Sam discovered that he didn't want to validate himself. It didn't feel nearly as good as when others did it. He learned that the thrill of the chase to get Jim to notice and acknowledge his existence was an immensely powerful motivator. He had been willing to suffer excruciating and debilitating migraines just so that Jim would be attentive. Now that Jim was no longer willing to play the game, Sam was forced to take care of his own self-image. It was hard and it didn't feel real for a long time.

Eventually, Sam took ownership of the power to make himself feel good. He learned how to check in with himself, and honor what he thought and felt. He began respecting his ideas and was willing to express them.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Call That Ended Everything

The call came at 1:00 a.m. The call that never should have come. The call that Bruce would have moved heaven and earth to prevent. The call that ended everything when an apologetic voice dealt the fatal blow – his wife had suffered a heart attack at work and died.

Relentless Guilt Tortured Him

Bruce went through the motions as the autopsy, funeral and aftermath took their course. He allowed friends and relatives to take care of the arrangements, acting as an obedient robot. He lost his appetite and had trouble sleeping. The pills his doctor prescribed forced his shocked mind and body to switch off. He was glad when exhaustion took over, so he could get a break from the relentless guilt that tortured his every waking moment.

How Could He Have Been So Selfish?

How could that innocent beauty have been ripped away so soon? Why did she have to die so young when she had never harmed a soul? Why had he taken advantage of her sweet trusting nature and cheated on her whenever he was tempted? Why hadn't he thanked her more sincerely for the secure and stable home she had given him? Why had he been so selfish and refused to have a child? Why had he not given her one iota as much as she had given him?

Diet Of Recriminations

Bruce lived on a diet of self-loathing and recrimination. It took the edge off the guilt so he could continue living. He exiled himself from his community of neighbors and friends because he couldn't face what he imagined would be their accusatory looks and harsh judgments.

A New Companion Wants More Than He Can Give

Loneliness, and an abhorrence of his own company led him to find another companion. He got through the depressing days and nights of his first year of widower hood by the good grace and kindness of his new lady friend. But she wanted more of him than just his company. Giving her more was like sacrilege, so he gave just enough to keep her in his life. The rest of the time he was the loyal and grateful husband to his dead wife that he failed to be during her life time.

Nightmares Haunt Him

A year later his house was exactly the same as the morning his wife died. Bruce turned it into a shrine and worshiped at it's feet hoping to expiate his guilt and alleviate his remorse. He was plagued with horrific nightmares of being chased in jungles, thrown overboard from ships, crashing in a plane and being set on fire. He always woke up just before he was about to die, but the intense images and sensations stayed with him long afterwards. Life awake was not much better than life in the land of violent punishing dreams.

Bruce Wants Absolution

A wish for relief from the incessant nightmares provided an acceptable reason for him to seek psychotherapy. He wanted absolution. As Bruce talked about his life it became apparent that guilt was no stranger to him. He was guilty that he left his meager childhood home for a better life while the rest of the family lived like paupers. He was guilty about stealing his wife away from her first lover. He was guilty about not visiting his mother when she was dying, and for failing to get his veterinary license after six attempts at the exams.

Seeing The Big Picture

Putting his guilt into words allowed us to examine the cloth and feel the weave of the material he confessed. Slowly but surely Bruce learned that his perceptions were more than a little skewed. He had sent money home for his brother's education. His wife chose to leave her lover and marry Bruce. His mother had died unexpectedly as he was on route to her sick bed. His wife had agreed not to have children. He had worked three jobs while studying to be a Vet, making studying difficult. He rescued stray cats and dogs and donated money to animal shelters.

Grief Fogs Up The Lens

Grief and loss made him color his past behaviors with selfish intentions and mean spiritedness. His goodness and decency were lost to him until he began to hear me reflect them back to him. He learned to accept that he was cut from a cloth that could wash out its stains and still be fit for wear. As he made room for his kind traits Bruce dreamt of his wife coming down to him in the form of an angel, holding her arms out in a loving manner. He felt the joy of being reunited with a warm and loving wife.

The Antidote to Guilt

A small dose of guilt is useful when it serves to prick your conscience into doing the right thing. An overdose of guilt is a pernicious force that rots you from the inside out. It mangles your memory of the past and blurs your vision of the future. Bruce discovered that forgiving himself was the only effective antidote to his self-induced poisoning.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

An Accident Derails Max's Life

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his journey towards a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He was livid. The shock of the accident kept his rage at bay. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor's visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company for health benefits. A law suit conveyed his fury at the negligence of his employer for non-compliance with workplace safety codes.

Cocooned in a Chrysalis Where Resentment Festers

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiance and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies come true

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn't respond to his fiance's eagerness to face the challenges ahead and adapt their plans for the future. Her encouraging comments felt like jabs, pushing him to get back on his feet before he was ready. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of his back injury, he anticipated the break up of their engagement. He goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him.

Max is Lonely and Isolated

Max's friends called, visited, and made arrangements to take him out. He couldn't bear to witness them getting ahead while he was standing still. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. Eventually the calls and visits dropped off, and Max became increasingly isolated.

Life Goes From Bad To Worse

Physicians and surgeons tried one thing after another to help heal the disc. They didn't know why he wasn't responding to state of the art surgery and rehabilitation. The insurance company refused to cover any more experimental treatments. Physical therapy offered little hope for improved mobility. The legal battle provided some compensation but no where near enough to cover medical bills, let alone living expenses.

Indignation and Outrage Erupt

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn't win bigger, his fiance who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The Power Of The Victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn't be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Transition To a New Life Was Treachery

Max wanted the world to stop at the precise moment before his fall. Responding to medications, surgeries and encouragements would be a betrayal of his prior life. Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn't want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. Transition to a new life was treachery. By keeping his prior existence on life support, Max sabotaged his chances of getting better. His physical pain and mobility problems became the symbols of the past he refused to let go of, and a future he refused to acknowledge.

Max has a choice. He can continue this death watch or he can begin the mourning process. Grief and mourning are the key to choosing vitality rather than victim hood. The first entryway to mourning is often anger. Rage has enormous energy and if aligned with the desire for life, it will act as a resurrecting force. Max has a right to be angry. Taking it out on his family and doctors is counterproductive. Harnessing the anger into a fighting spirit boosts his immune system, jump starts the healing process and encourages his loved ones to maintain their support.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after he was paralyzed by a horse riding accident. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using the force of his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people.

Max can't accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. He will need psychotherapy to help him through the grieving process while empowering him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss. He can also find a new calling – how exciting is that !!

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Suspicion Creates tension

Tim heard Josie's car pull up in the driveway. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink. "Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with Al, her team leader passing notes to him and sharing meaningful glances. "Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated. " What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Accusations fly – You need to get fixed!

" I didn't plan anything. I couldn't be rude to Al. I got away as soon as I could." Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations.

" I bet you would rather have dinner with Al. He's more humorous and he's rolling in money." Tim baited Josie.

" I've told you a million times, I'm not interested in Al. He's just my boss. You're screwed up. I can't take this anymore. You're so suspicious it's becoming impossible to have a normal relationship with you. You need help." accused Josie. "Go to therapy, or else we are through!"

A bomb went off inside Tim

Tim was crushed. A massive lump in his throat choked off his voice of gut wrenching shock and disbelief. He felt as if a bomb had gone off inside him, blowing him up into a pile of unrecognizable smithereens. He was shaking with indignation. He was loyal, and trustworthy. He never abused Josie, or gave her any cause to doubt his commitment. He was nothing like his father who got drunk every other night and made the rest of the family pay for his bad feelings. How could Josie possibly put him in the same category?

Tim wanted to hit back

One part of him wanted to attack right back. Tim wanted to yell and scream "foul"! He wanted to slash this false and unfair portrayal Josie created of him and force her into seeing him accurately. Another part of him wanted to make her feel bad by listing all the things he did for her and their relationship. He wanted to stick it in her face and make her own up to her lies and selfishness. She should be rewarding him for the way he always put her first, not berating him for being involved in her life.

Tim prepares for a showdown

That night was one of the loneliest nights Tim had ever spent. Josie was only a few inches away, but she might as well have been in another universe. Tim was determined that she would have to come crawling to him. He had to hold onto some pride and dignity. A long sleepless night gave Tim enough time to gather the evidence, build his case and prepare his closing arguments for a showdown in the morning.

Butterflies in Tim's stomach vied with his teeth clenching grit as he laid out his grievances. He wasn't going to fold under Josie's false accusations. He presented his terms for the relationship. He stood tall, having done himself proud.

" Everything has to be your way, and if you don't get it, you take it out on me. I am not your father, so stop treating me as if I am the bogey man. You're the one who can't control yourself, just like your father!" Josie fired back.

Tim resents being the one who has to get fixed

Josie's remarks stung Tim into working in therapy with me. He resented being the one who had to be fixed. Taking fair shares of responsibility was a huge deal for Tim. His relationship account books showed the accounts paid far exceeded the accounts received total. He was in the red, and his reserves were fast depleting. It was infuriating and he had no idea how to redress the balance.

Tim had watched his mother turn a blind eye to her husband's cheating. She forgave him his lack of responsibility. No way was Tim going to do the same thing. When he was hurting Tim overshot the mark. At those moments Josie became the epitome of a family member out to screw him. He made preemptive strikes against her, only to shoot himself in the foot.

Tim got his fix. He learned to tune his receiver towards Josie's positive and loving behaviors rather than his over zealous suspicious imagination. He liked the new station, and kept the dial firmly locked in. He severed the grip that his father's behavior had on him, developed a more hopeful view of relationships, and gained a more responsive partner.

You might also like:

How to turn a volatile marriage into a happy union

How to turn nagging into loving connections

How to deal with that " if you really loved me you would………."syndrome

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

No Money, No Job, No Future in Sight

After years of thankless work as a furniture restorer, forty year old Maggie took the plunge and became an entrepreneur. Her investment capital consisted of experience and hope. Business was so bad that she didn't have enough gas money to provide clients with estimates.

The Dream Comes To Show The Way

Then she remembered a dream she had a year ago in which she was at a countryside railway station, living on the platform with one suitcase. The suitcase fell onto the tracks and an approaching train smashed everything inside- clothes, shoes and personal stuff. She felt naked and embarrassed. Later she was expected at a celebrity party taking place in a large house. She was dressed in a poorly matched loaned outfit. Everyone admired her as a well known artist.

Using The Dream Key To Success

The dream portrayed her future with vivid accuracy. Maggie's leap into penniless self-employment was symbolized by the train smashing her belongings and leaving her naked. As Maggie recalled the dream, she did something she had never done before. She put aside the shame that prevented her from asking for help, and accepted rides, ate with neighbors and borrowed tools.

The dream voice said "If you want to be a successful artist, let people 'clothe' you with the support you need."

Maggie's dream gave her the key to a treasure chest that was buried under layers of pride. At the time of greatest need Maggie used the key. She threw away her stubborn independence and let the dream empower, reassure and guide her along her chosen path.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Building A Bright Future

Maggie forged friendships that sustained her during the early days of setting up her business. She found that people were full of ideas for marketing in the community. They included her in their womens groups, where she was able to show samples of her work and get word of mouth referrals. She was introduced to interior decorators and designers who gave her projects to work on. A whole new world of opportunity opened up to her. She had setbacks too. At these times she was able to ask for and get support from her network of contacts. It sustained her and kept her hope afloat.

Maggie is very grateful to her dream for showing her the blind spot that was preventing her from having a successful life. She continues to record her dreams and pay attention to their messages. When She gets in her own way, her dreams get her back on the right track.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Family Rifts Get Shaken Up By A Dream

Andrea hadn't spoken to her mother for the past twenty years. She adored her father and found him supportive when she left for Australia with her new husband . The rift with her mother remained unreconciled despite Andrea's divorce. One morning she awoke remembering a dream that gave her a deep sense of peace.

The Dream Of Life and Death

Andrea dreamt that she was looking into the yard of a two story house where a dead Oak tree had fallen. Fairies were going in and out of its hollow interior. She turned around to look inside the house and then back at the yard. This time the dead Oak was replaced by a fresh Willow tree. She was happy to see life blooming again.

The Dream Comforted as it Foretold of Loss

The next day Andrea heard that her father had died the same day she had her peaceful dream. The parent that nourished Andrea during her emotional storms had now died, just as the old Oak in the dream. Andrea's dream came to foretell her loss, comfort her and help her grieve.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Healing Old Wounds Through Regeneration

Even though her solid rock of a father had passed, Andrea still needed to repair the breach with her mother, the source of her life. Trees are symbols of life sustained by deep roots. Her dream showed her that as one dies another flourishes, just as the Willow took the place of the dead Oak in the dream.

Forging New Bonds That Can Withstand Storms

Andrea's created a new connection with her mother. Just like the Willow their relationship was strong, but flexible. Just like the Willow it could bend and sway in a storm, not snap and break as before. The old brittle mother-daughter relationship became a pliable cord, that was strong and able to handle pressure.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Dream That Kept On Giving

Andrea healed two deep wounds by attending to her dream- the death of her father and the broken connection with her mother. Honoring her dream allowed her unconscious to act as a healer, a mediator, a strengthener and a comforter. Andrea could have been orphaned if she didn't welcome this dream and use its messages. She had already 'lost' a mother, and then her father died. By interacting with her dream she was able to grieve without falling apart, and reclaim the lost relationship with her mother, keeping her connected to her family roots.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna weight feels like a repulsive birthmark!

Donna's struggle with her weight never ends. She always thinks of herself as fat and ugly. Whatever she does to control it never lasts and she is left feeling worse than ever before. When things are going badly for her she feels even fatter and uglier and just wants to walk away from her disgusting body. At rough times when nothing seems to be going right she feels that this is some punishment that she has to suffer just for being who she is. In fact she thinks it's like a repulsive birthmark that is stamped on her and can never be hidden or got rid of.

Donna's painful memories seemed never ending!

Donna began remembering awful things that happened to her as a child and how she couldn't tell anyone. She had to "stuff it" if she wanted to keep the peace and be allowed to stay with her mother and stepfather. The memories were painful and made her feel dirty and unacceptable.

A long hair dream disturbs Donna

It was during one of these bad times that Donna had a dream where she was pulling out hair from her mouth. The hair strands just went on and on and on. There was no end to it. It felt awful when she woke up.

Dead hair shows Donna her weighty emotional gunk

What does the long long hair coming out of her insides mean? Hair is a dead product. Coming out of her mouth it was Donna's waste. Like the memories of her unhappy childhood, the hair just went on and on. Donna was being given an image of how much gunk she had stored inside her, that was making her fatter than she needed to be. By recalling her childhood and understanding it with me, she was able to get a vision of what her emotional stomach was storing. She got a dream picture of it all coming out, and a jolt as to just how much there was to discover, process and let go of.

Slimness and beauty push out the hair and give Donna hope

Immediately after the hair dream, Donna dreamed that she was in Sweden with a friend, and was putting on weight. She stopped putting on weight when she felt she was just right. Her friend showed Donna pictures of her from a previous time when she was much thinner. Donna was astounded that she could ever have been slim and beautiful.

The second dream gives Donna hope that her wish to be thinner has a basis in reality. The photograph is how she once was before she had to store her wretched childhood experiences as fat. Donna's unconscious healer is giving her an image that she can believe in, showing her the real inner beauty she had lost touch with. She is being told that she can eat and control herself, just as she did in the dream – that she isn't doomed to be fat and ugly. Stopping the eating in the dream when she got to a comfortable size tells her that she can find her ideal weight and stay there.

Choice Replaces the Sense of Being Doomed

Donna is beginning to identify with the part of her that can choose her weight. As she worked on her dreams with me, she gained more confidence in herself as a beautiful person inside and outside. She is having more good moments in her life when she can feel worthwhile and lovable.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shame about the remedies, but the care sure feels good!

Bonnie was a hostage to migraine attacks. They lasted for hours and she was unable to do anything but lie down in bed until it passed. Sometimes her migraine was accompanied by nausea and other times by cramps or acid reflux. Treatments from herbalists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, homeopathic doctors, spiritual healers, medical doctors and meditation did nothing to stop the onset or reduce the severity of the pain and exhaustion that accompanied the episodes. But she enjoyed the care and concern the service providers showed, and came away feeling lighter and better.

A friend’s response made the pain and nausea melt away

At a party one evening Bonnie found herself in a group with her best friend and others she didn’t know. She felt awkward. She tried to join in the conversation but it didn’t feel right. Later that evening she told her friend that she felt a migraine coming on and left the party early. Sure enough Bonnie had a humdinger of a migraine. Her head throbbed, she vomited and had trouble sleeping. The next day she felt tired and weak, unable to do all the things she had planned. She called her friend to tell her about her difficult night. Her friend came over to make sure she was okay, take the dog out for a walk and handle some mail that needed attention. Bonnie rested and was immensely grateful that her friend was available and responsive at her time of need.

The migraine hits just as a family celebration gets underway

Bonnie became increasingly uncomfortable as her nephew’s graduation approached. She wasn’t caught up in the excitement. She was juggling law school and a job which seemed much more serious than a celebration. No one seemed to understand how tough it was for her to keep it all going. No one ever offered help to ease her burden.

A migraine hit Bonnie three hours before she was to leave for the graduation. She called her brother and excused herself. She was really sick and couldn’t travel let alone sit through a long ceremony out in the sun. Bonnie’s brother and parents were very concerned about her. She sounded pretty ill and weak.

The family response was outstanding!

Bonnie was ill for a day or two. Her mother came by with some of her remedies. Her father and brother shared the job of getting her car serviced and repairs completed. Her mother and nephew tempted her with her favorite take out food. Bonnie appreciated the care, concern and practical help she got. She enjoyed the company of her family and soon got back on her feet.

Bonnie’s illness was real, debilitating and painful. She didn’t ask for it, nor did she do anything to bring it on. She took care of what she ate and drank, she exercised and took her fitness and health seriously. She meditated, trying to bring peace and serenity into her life. So why was she afflicted with migraines, cramps and nausea that stopped her from enjoying happy events?

Asking got nowhere, being sick got everyone worried. As a child when Bonnie asked for help with homework, or a playmate there was always something more important that her family had to deal with. Her needs and wishes were never a priority. Until she was sick. That became the magic formula that captured their attention and brought their caring her way. Everyone rallied around instantly, and apologized for not seeing her discomfort earlier.

The migraine hid her shame about being needy

When her normal way of asking for attention failed, Bonnie became ashamed of her needs. They must be ugly and illegitimate if her family ignored them. If she was showered with care and concern when she was sick, then being ill must be the approved way to get her share of love and attention. Bonnie’s psyche filed this information away and used it whenever she wanted and needed signs of love from her family.

Anger  and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nia was stunned when her perfect relationship ended

Nia was on top of the world. Her job was going well, and she had the best boyfriend any girl could ask for. He was attentive and affectionate. He was interested in her ideas and opinions. He showed respect for her family traditions. She felt important and needed when she supported him through tough times. His gratitude was genuine making Nia believe they were a solid couple.

The beginning of the end came the day Nia’s boyfriend didn’t take up her offer of caring for him when he was ill. Within three weeks Nia had lost her boyfriend and her hair fell out in clumps. Nia’s first response was shock and disbelief. What had suddenly changed? Why did he want to be close to her yesterday but not today? Was he hiding something? Did she miss something?

Nia's hair started to fall out causing alarm and embarrassment

Nia’s shock turned to alarm and fear when hair fell out in the shower, and covered her pillow after long nights of fitful sleep. The back of her jackets and tops trapped her falling hair, sending her into a tail spin. Lack of appetite was a blessing in disguise because she lost weight without trying. Losing sleep was a nuisance but it meant that people would notice her haggard looks and offer some consoling words. But losing her hair in such large quantities was beyond her ability to fathom. She had heard about stress causing hair loss, but she never thought that a relationship breakup would do this to her body and appearance.

Nia was unprepared for the stress of relationship trauma

Nia couldn’t talk to anyone. She didn’t want to worry her parents as her father wasn’t in the best of health and her mother was concerned about him. She was the eldest child and always taken care of her younger sister. She didn’t feel she could turn the tables on her sibling. Everyone thought she was the strong one of the family and had always relied on her to take care of things.

Nia had prided herself on managing relationship problems within her family. She saw how difficult it was for her mother and sister to recover from distressing events and took care to be self-sufficient and in control. Taking care of others was her way of being attached and feeling valuable. She was great at listening to the feelings of family, friends and of course her boyfriend. She bolstered others, leaving herself prone to unforeseen stresses without adequate coping mechanisms.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

What's the research got to say on stress and Alopecia?

Nia’s relationship breakup triggered Alopecia areata, hair loss from the scalp that occurs in certain areas of the head, known as ‘spot baldness.’

A 2004 study reported in the International Journal of Dermatology confirmed many others that found links between a stressful life event triggering the onset of Alopecia.

A 2007 report in the European Journal of Dermatology found that 65% of Alopecia sufferers had at least one stressful event immediately preceding hair loss. Relational and family problems were the triggering events in almost 50% of cases.

What's the research on the psychological profile of Alopecia sufferers?

A 2003 study reported by the Academy of Psychosomatic Medicine found that Alopecia sufferers were less likely to have good social and emotional support systems.

Difficulty labeling and talking about their feelings (alexithymia) was more likely in Alopecia cases.

Insecure attachment was more common in Alopecia cases, in particular the dismissive insecure style which can block nurturing from others. Those who are 'dismissive' in their attachments tend to fear let downs and protect themselves by pushing away potential supporting connections. They don't trust others to be consistent and reliable in their care, so they push them away before the let down can happen.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

What were Nia's risk factors for responding to stress with Alopecia?

Nia didn’t have a good social or emotional support system. She was the support system for her family and her boyfriend. That was a big vulnerability factor for alopecia. Many people with insecure attachments tend to become care takers for loved ones so that it keeps them close both physically and emotionally. But due to inconsistent and insufficient care from their others, they learned to do without. Nia fell into this category. She had grown up taking care of other people’s feelings and had never learned to notice her own until they became as visible and serious as hair loss. That meant that she had not developed the language of emotion for herself, and had no way of expressing the shock and hurt of the relationship break up. A stranger to her own emotions she had little resilience and immune response when stress hit. It rocked the foundation on which she had based her interaction and attachments – hair loss did the expressing for her.

How did Nia inoculate herself from future relationship stress?

It was the alopecia that brought Nia to psychotherapy. She talked about everyone else except herself for some weeks. The breakthrough came when she discovered how hard it was for her to receive nurturance, support and understanding. Slowly allowing herself to receive the appropriate care and support in therapy built up her emotional resilience and allowed her to find a new boyfriend. She let him give and developed a comfort with receiving. She is now better inoculated against a stressful relationship issue, and so is her hair!

take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

take the body-stress quiz and find out if you are experiencing stress related sickness