Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Patsy swallows her feelings and gets tired out

Patsy spent her forty-fifth birthday with her elderly mother who complained about the food being cold and bland. Patsy bit her tongue and tried to make something more appetizing. Her sister called to wish her a happy birthday, then made excuses as to why she couldn’t take care of their mother next weekend. Patsy was outraged that she was expected to be the dutiful child while her siblings got away with it. She ground her teeth, stuffed the indignation and continued with her chores. She was tired and didn’t want to create family tensions.

At the birthday dinner that evening Patsy heard Jasper and the kids fight. She was upset that the family bickering never took a rest. She was hurt that no one considered her feelings. She felt lonely, sad and unimportant at that moment. Fighting back tears, Patsy took a sip of water and swallowed her feelings. She stepped in and made the peace. Drained of energy and enthusiasm Patsy pretended to enjoy herself when the cake and candles arrived.

Patsy's stuffed emotions erased her energy

Patsy was tired and achy the next day. She wished she could just put her body down and walk away from it. She didn’t want to shop and make dinner. She didn’t want to pick up the kids from school. She didn’t want to do the laundry or take the dog for a walk. If only she could stay in bed and watch television, and never have to worry about anyone or anything else.

Patsy is exhausted but her family think she is pretending

Waking up feeling wiped out was familiar. This had been going on for a few months. Her doctor gave her tonics, supplements and vitamins but nothing helped. Her blood work came back normal and no hormonal imbalance was detected after a thorough panel of tests. Her family mocked her tiredness feeling like she was putting it on.

A diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) Shames Patsy

The diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome stunned Patsy and her husband. How could she have this condition for which there was no physical cause? It just didn’t make sense that her body was suffering real exhaustion and lack of energy when every organ and system was working efficiently. Patsy felt accused of malingering. She felt ashamed to speak about her constant fatigue without having a medical reason for it. Unable to handle the implication that she was a bit ‘screwed up’ and weak, Patsy refused to join a support group. She decided to struggle on and push past the exhaustion.

Patsy is so tired she forgets things and puts her family in danger

Patsy began forgetting things. She was making mistakes and getting easily distracted. She began to cry quietly in the car when she missed her turns, forgot to pick up her son from basketball practice and left the stove on all day when she ran out of the house in a hurry. The harder she tried to remember what jobs to do, when and in what order, the more fatigued she got. It was becoming very tough to concentrate fully on keeping everything running smoothly. Her bones ached and her muscles just didn’t want to move. She was worried about letting her family down. But she never said anything about her fears, her worries and her alarm about her errors and memory problems.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Research evidence about Chronic Fatigue Syndroms

Trauma, stress and suppressing of emotions are factors in CFS

Patsy experienced childhood trauma, prolonged stress and experienced much psychological distress. Research has detected links between these three factors and the likelihood of getting CFS in later adulthood.

The Center for Disease Control reports on a study published in 2006 that links stress and childhood trauma to later life Chronic Fatigue syndrome.

The experience of marked and sustained psychological distress was found to be a distinguishing factor in CFS sufferers as reported in a 1997 study by the Institutes of Health.

A 2007 study also reported by the Institutes of health indicates that not being able to talk about your emotions (alexithymia) is often a marker of CFS sufferers.

Patsy finally deals with her emotions when her fatigue leads to serious mistakes

The weight of Patsy’s stress, unacknowledged emotions and distress made her chronically fatigued. It was so huge she buckled. The suppressed feelings overflowed into other areas, affecting her memory, clarity of thinking and ability to make sound judgments. Basically Patsy collapsed under the burden of undigested emotions. Alarm let her to therapy. She learned that feelings are normal and useful. She began to connect to all those experiences that had broken her heart. Her energy levels returned. As she found strength in expressing herself so her body regained it’s strength and vigor. Patsy is learning to talk about her feelings as she experiences them with her family and friends. There is a feeling of lightness in her muscles and bones. She plays a round of golf every morning and is volunteering at her local preschool.

Take the intimacy quiz and discover your comfort level with sharing emotions

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nice guys felt like a noose around Sharon's neck

Why Do Nice Guys Make Sharon Panic?

Sharon enjoyed the flirting until Rudolph asked if she'd like to go out with him on a date. In the blink of an eye she said "Oh, I can't. I'm really tied up and I'm not sure when I'll be free." It was as if Rudolph had pushed a panic button inside her and she had to destroy everything in her path to escape the danger that erupted out of nowhere.

Relief swept over Sharon as she drove home. But she couldn't sleep. During the next few days she felt that old familiar sadness overwhelm her again. If only Rudolph would call. When he had walked over to her at the party she had come alive. He was just the sort of man she wanted, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, self-assured and seemingly well off. She smiled thinking about how she played hard to get before she allowed him to catch her.

Why Does Sharon Reject the Very Thing She Wants?

Because she wants two different things at the same time. The trouble is she is only aware of one of them- wanting a nice guy and a successful relationship. But there is also something else she craves and that is to feel powerful, and in charge of her life. She isn't in touch with her need for power, so she can't figure out why she keeps sabotaging good relationships. She is mystified as to why what seems wonderful at the beginning turns sour very soon afterwards.

How did Sharon Develop a self-sabotage strategy?

Once upon a time when Sharon was a little girl the grown ups around her disappointed and hurt her. The only power and control she had at the time was to reject them when they tried to make nice. Paying them back by hurting and rejecting them was the only weapon she had to feel in control. It worked like a dream. Unfortunately Sharon never learned to develop other ways of feeling strong and in charge of her life. So she continues to use the old ways that now work against her. Now she is the loser. She sabotages her own hearts desire.

Two voices compete for attention

Who is going to win -Power mad Sharon or Lonely Sharon?

Sharon's two competing parts are Power hungry Sharon, and Lonely Sharon. Power mad Sharon thinks lonely Sharon is a loser, easily seduced and just plain dumb. She can't trust lonely Sharon to judge the sincerity of guys. Just look at her track record!

Lonely Sharon falls for the sweet words and becomes a submissive lamb. Power crazed Sharon has to watch her like a hawk and swoop in before it's too late. She doesn't want to be left picking up the pieces of lonely Sharon's broken heart again.

So, power mad Sharon allows lonely Sharon a bit of rope. "Go on, you can flirt a bit, enjoy it while you can." But the moment lonely Sharon decides to take it a step further, power mad Sharon gets the guns out and blows the guy out of the water. Power mad Sharon enjoyed the chase but is ecstatic when she saves lonely Sharon from messing up.

Power crazy Sharon wins the battle. She feels proud of herself for being a good protector. Unfortunately she oversteps the mark every time, crushing the chances of lonely Sharon ever having a secure and trusting relationship.

But Sharon wouldn't deliberately Sabotage herself?

That's right, if she was aware of how she may be acting against her own interests, she would not see the guy as a monster. She really does want a partner, but she also wants to protect herself from being let down, and thrown out for a newer model. The fear of being let down is so huge that she uses her power as a sledge hammer to demolish every potential relationship before she has had a chance to see if they were safe.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Sharon feel powerful and be in a relationship?

There are five steps that Sharon can take that will increase her chances of a making a good connection without living in fear of being dumped.

1. Ask herself what she likes and dislikes about the guy if there seems to be mutual attraction. Look for evidence of the good and bad things, so that her lens is neither too rosy nor too black. That balance will help keep her as objective as possible, making sabotage much less likely.

2. Take the time to check in with herself about what she wants from the potential relationship. This includes physical attraction, financial security, humor, empathy, as well as the ability to read her and respond that neither invades her boundaries nor leaves her out in the cold.

3. Speak to the guy about what she wants in real time as it happens, so he will understand her needs and attempt to meet her expectations. This act alone will give her power and create good boundaries so she isn't wimpy and helpless.

4. Make space inside her for the fact that the guy may actually like her personal qualities. That will make her feel more secure and tamp down power mad Sharon's need to bring out the sledge hammer.

5. Be clear about what hurts or disappoints her as well as what she enjoys in the relationship. Communicate it as it comes up, so that there is a mixture of strength, self-confidence and self-preservation.

TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGE TEST AND FIND OUT YOUR PROFILE

Read more about understanding the role of panic in relationship problems:

Understanding your panic attacks part 1 – facing your dilemmas

Understanding your panic attacks part 2- getting past shame

Understanding your panic attacks part 3 – fear of going it alone

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sleep Deprivation May Cost Meredith her Job

The future of Meredith's business depended on one simple thing. Getting a good night's sleep. If she wasn't on the ball, she would lose the marketing contract for a prestigious corporate firm. There was no way Meredith was going to let that happen. She couldn't afford to jeopardize her image as the whiz that put the "wow" factor into her designs.

Mistakes Piled up As Meredith Slowed Down

Simple jobs that took fifteen minutes now seemed to take over two hours and slowed down the entire creative process. Colleagues withdrew as she became increasingly irritable and impatient. Meredith tried to compensate by putting in longer hours but that made matters worse. Her work load increased as mistakes piled up. She had to face the fact that her erratic sleep pattern was having a disastrous effect on her performance.

The Fight To Be In Control Of Sleep

Bad habits were the first under attack. No more caffeine after 5:00 p.m. No more eating or drinking four hours before bed time. No more watching television or working in bed. Meredith followed these sleep hygiene rules with meticulous precision. That made her feel in charge as she imagined herself on top of her game at work.

Frustration When Nothing Worked

But sleep didn't come. Every minute that Meredith stayed awake seemed like an hour and each hour made her cry with frustration. It was so annoying that all her 'good behavior' went unrewarded. Self-help books, radio docs and alternative medicine gurus recommended meditation, exercise, natural supplements, herbal teas, acupuncture and 'giving up' the desire to sleep! None of them did the trick. The only thing left were prescription meds. The thought of getting addicted and dealing with a bunch of unknown side effects was a lot scarier than dealing with sleep deprivation.

Meredith Faces Her Biggest Fear – Failure

Horror movies played out in Meredith's imagination as she strove to get through those unbearably slow nights. The feature film title was failure. She won the Oscar for her masterful characterizations of losers and dummies, while Anxiety and fear won for best producer and director.

Anxiety Gripped Her Mind and Body

The big day arrived. The day she had to put together the final design proposal. Meredith couldn't get out of bed. She was in a paralytic stupor, her heart was pounding and her hands and feet sweated. Her body refused to budge. No amount of urging herself to 'get over it 'relieved the extreme anxiety that gripped her mind and body. Shamefully she called her partner with the news that she couldn't make it to the meeting.

The Slave Driver  Perfectionist Voice Breaks Meredith's Emotional Skeleton

Meredith was indeed sick. Her difficulty sleeping and staying asleep through the night was a red flag that something was wrong. The foundation supporting the A-plus performance had been collapsing for some time. Her emotional muscles had cramped and seized long ago but she bypassed their messages. The only voice she heard was "you have to do everything right, all the time, or else you are a failure." Without muscles to operate the bones, her emotional skeleton fractured. She became irritable, snappy and a pain to work with. Yet Meredith insisted on listening only to that rigid voice " you must be better than everyone else, or you are just a waste of space." She worked longer, harder and forced herself to try and sleep.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Meredith Finally Gets the Message

The inability to flip the switch to sleep mode made her furious. That's why her eyes stayed open. It was the only weapon guaranteed to make her 'see.' It worked. She got the message that she couldn't treat her mind and body as slaves to some ideal without killing them off.

Accepting Her Limitations

The accumulation of disrupted sleep, paralysis and anxiety attacks gave Meredith a large dose of exactly what she couldn't tolerate in herself – frailty, weakness and lack of control. Her inflexible demands and unrealistic expectations came crashing down. A major reconfiguration was underway whether she liked it or not. She learned to accept her human limitations the hard way.

Anxiety Leads To Sleep Problems

Sleep problems are often due to anxiety. The anxiety comes from unreasonable expectations of your performance within relationships and at work. Worry about creating a bad impression or losing someone important become a vicious cycle of anxiety and fear. Your energies are diverted to deal with the anxiety leaving you bereft of your inspiration, intelligence, and inventiveness – and of course sleep. If you want to be a winner and get a good night's sleep, delineate your specific job and keep it under your direct control, then execute it to the best of your ability.

Getting the Mind and Body in Synch

Taking on the appropriate load allows your body and mind to give you optimal performance. There is a hidden bonus. When your mind and body are in synch you radiate a confidence that increases the 'wow' response from your clients.

Tips on anger and stress management for satisfying relationships from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Insomnia frustrates Hudson

It was getting to be a bit much. The constant waking up in the early hours, or just not being able to get off to sleep at all. His mind just wouldn't shut down. It seemed to start just as he was closing his eyes, hoping to sleep. The intrusive thoughts were relentless now that he wasn't focusing on anything else. It was as if they delighted in using the space in his brain to torment him. He thought about what he should have said and done, what he would do next time, what might happen, what others may think and worried over other scenarios that his imagination foisted on him.

Insomnia made Hudson feel out of control and unable to enjoy life

Sleepless nights turned into weeks of irritability and stress. He wished he could stop worrying about his girlfriend’s commitment to their relationship. The thought of restful sleep was alluring, but anxiety kept his mind spinning. He went over their conversations imagining the outcome if he had said one thing rather than another. He was trying to undo mistakes in his mind, or he was way ahead in the future preparing for bad things that may happen. All the good sleep hygiene rules that he followed failed to help him relax and fall asleep.

He found it hard to relax and enjoy any moment for fear he would take his eye off the ball and land up in a big mess. Stress induced insomnia, brought on more stress and that in turn made sleeping less likely.

Stress and negative childhood experiences are precursors to insomnia

A report published in Stress and Health, 2012 found that childhood but not adolescent stress was strongly linked to shorter sleep periods, longer times before falling off to sleep and more movements during sleep for individuals that continued well into adult life. Prolonged childhood stress predisposes adults to sleep disturbance irrespective of later life stresses and later onset anxiety and or depression.

A study published in 1981 in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine found that the onset of insomnia coincided with stressful life events such as losses and illnesses compared to good sleepers. The childhood experiences of insomniac’s were most likely to be characterized by

1. Poor relationships with their parents.

2. Discontent with the quality of family relationships.

3. Less than satisfying relationships with friends and colleagues as they became adults.

Hudson had little contact with his biological father, and felt guilty and ungrateful if he wanted to spend time with him. Relationships were precarious, inconsistent and unreliable, making him very insecure. He believed he had to make family members happy at all times. He He never learned how to regulate feelings since no one spoke about it or modeled it for him. Everything was seen through a rigid prism of constraint in order to remain in the family circle. He was terrified and consumed with anxiety that if he lost control of his anger it would get the better of him, resulting in permanent loss of all significant relationships.

Hudson's anxiety about not being able to make relationships leads to insomnia

As an adult Hudson was having the same trouble making good solid connections with women and friends. He had no good models to learn from, and just kept repeating the same pattern of failure. His efforts became forced, stemming from fear and a need to control. The harder he tried the worse the results. Failure led to more stress showing up in long periods of insomnia.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Hudson improve relationships and sleep again?

1. Take one moment at a time and be fully in it.

2. Focus on other people’s interest in him without trying to mold or control it.

3. Tune into the calmness and purity of the connection that has no expectations or demands.

4. Check in with himself and feel what he wants at that moment. Go with it as near to the time of awareness as possible.

5. Notice that nothing bad is happening in that present moment.

Hudson succeeds in relationships and gets to sleep!

Hudson practiced these steps while in psychotherapy and was amazed at his ability to tolerate uncertainty from one minute to the next. He began to enjoy the relationships he was building without expecting the worst. He learned that being himself was enough for others and now he is trying to make it enough for himself. As a result the stress hormones in his system abated, making it easier for him to sleep.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

suppressed anger causes stress related skin breakouts

Office politics make Maggie stressed out and sick

Maggie wanted a quiet life. The cliques and gossip in the office made her nervous. She wanted to stay on the right side of management and not make any waves. She liked the manager at the Spa, who supported her efforts to bring in new clients. He was appreciative of her willingness to stay late and take new customers at short notice. But some of the other estheticians complained. They wanted overtime, they wanted more time in-between clients and they wanted a larger cut of the fees.

Maggie wants to stay neutral, but the stressful pressure is on!

Maggie was fond of her colleagues. She enjoyed talking to them one on one, and felt good about the confidences they shared. But when they all got together in the staff lounge and started bitching about the manager, Maggie hated it. She was uncomfortable hearing grievances from the others. She didn't share their sense of being underpaid or over used. She tended to keep quiet during these get- togethers, hoping no one would notice her neutrality.

Maggie feels wound up by her colleague

No such luck. Suzie tackled her one evening as they were closing the spa together. "What do you think about us all getting more rest breaks in-between clients? You never say anything. I never know whether you are with us or against us."

" I can see why you want more time in-between sessions, but it's not that bad" replied Maggie trying to duck out of answering the question. She felt Suzie withdraw and give her the silent treatment. The stress made her stomach churn and her temples throb.

She felt rejected because she had been disloyal to her colleague. She felt punished and wished she didn't have to put up with this pulling and pushing between management and staff. It reminded her of her having to choose which parent she wanted to live with during her parents divorce proceedings. Memories of having to hurt her mother when she picked a weekend with her dad, or vice versa flooded her mind. Breaking out in skin rashes got her out of having to take sides. When she was old enough she moved far away from them, hoping never to have to make such impossible choices again.

Pushed away by colleagues, but pulled in by management adds to the stress

Jeff the Spa manager asked to speak to Maggie the next day as she started her shift. He wanted to get the skinny on what was brewing among the staff. He trusted Maggie and let her know that her cooperation would be remembered and rewarded. Maggie wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She didn't want to snitch, nor did she want to keep Jeff in the dark. He was good to her, and he was paying her salary. She tried to change the subject and talk about new ideas to improve the services of the spa. The phone rang just in time. She escaped, but her face, neck and arms broke out in a raw, red itchy rash.  

The anger and stress showed itself vividly with the ugly embarrassing skin breakout.

Maggie is an outcast unable to manage her fear and stress

Maggie went through the day feeling like a pariah. Her colleagues wouldn't look at her or smile at her. They ignored her at their break times, and didn't include her when they ordered lunch from the local deli. Maggie was mortified. She found it hard to concentrate on her clients. She imagined the other estheticians talking about her behind her back, viewing her as the enemy. Maggie felt alone and fearful of her position at the Spa. The only one who spoke to her was Jeff, and each time he did, the others raised their eyebrows in disdain. She was given an ultimatum at the end of this interminable day. "Either be one of us, or go with management" said Suzie.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The day of reckoning looms

Maggie didn't want to be out of favor with her colleagues. She wanted to belong to a cohesive group of work mates. How could she stomach being ostracized while still working in the same environment? She couldn't run away from them as she had done from her parents.

Maggie's facial skin erupted in huge welts just as it was time to go into the Spa next morning. There was no way she could go in looking like that, and she certainly couldn't work with clients in this condition. She was off the hook. The rash bought her some much needed time. Focusing on the urgent needs of her body took her mind off the intolerable conflict she was facing.

After all dermatological treatments proved ineffective, Maggie reluctantly came to my office. She discovered that her adult choices didn't have the power to hurt and destroy relationships as they appeared to do in her childhood. Maggie became more confident with voicing her truth. Her skin responded with gratitude. Maggie is no longer stuck on the fence. She is way out over it!

Tips on managing anger and stress for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you balancing the positive and negative features of being an entrepreneur?

Research published in the Journal of Business Venturing suggests that entrepreneurs have a Type A personality and share certain characteristics which have both positive and negative features.

Positive Features:

Preference for autonomy

Self-reliance

Dominance

Independence

Enjoy risk Taking

Low Need for Support

Negative Features:

Delegation issues

Loneliness

Communication problems

Overwhelm

Discomfort with uncertainty

Self-blame and criticism

The negative features are usually out of immediate awareness, get pushed away and the result is STRESS .

Assuming many roles creates ambiguity leading to stress

Type A personality stress is rampant in entrepreneurs and solopreneurs. The most common source of stress that entrepreneurs face is role stress.

The many different roles that you take on and manage simultaneously are not always compatible with one another and require different skills, pacing and levels of creativity versus structured thought and planning.

You are faced with many competing demands.

Competing demands set up conflicts that aren’t speedily or easily resolved.

Unresolved conflicts creates an intolerance for ambiguity.

Intolerance for ambiguity leads to stress.

Stress robs you of being an effective entrepreneur

Left unacknowledged, stress will

1. reduce attention and focus on specific problems and tasks.

2. cloud your judgment.

3. interfere with your memory.

4. compromise your immune system.

5. make you less effective at the multitude of tasks an entrepreneur does on a daily basis.

Are you getting the balance right between effort and reward?

In January 2010 the American College of Occupational and Environmental Medicine distinguished between four elements of type A personalities, of which only one protected against stress.

Four elements of Type A personalities

Hard-driving

Aggressiveness

Extra energy fueling an eagerness to succeed

Leadership

Hard-driving attitude, aggressiveness and having endless energy born from an eagerness to succeed all led to stress. That is because these factors led to an imbalance of effort and reward.

What is the best type A personality antidote to stress?

The one factor that protected against stress was LEADERSHIP. The protective factor in leadership is that there is a sense of managing the ratio of effort you put in to the rewards you reap. It isn’t just putting in the time, energy and eagerness, but carving out a sense of control using leadership strategies.

HOW TO USE LEADERSHIP TO MANAGE STRESS

1. Create a daily plan of activities in blocks of two to three hours for a single project.

Benefit: Leaders make operational, strategic and visionary decisions. You are in charge of your agenda and time.

2.Prioritize in a flexible manner and be open to switching the items around.

Benefit: leaders see the big picture and amend plans as necessary. You can stay on task but respond to immediate needs such as delays out of your control, customer complaints, software malfunctions, merchandise flaws, order deadlines etc.

3. Break large goals into bite size pieces.

Benefit: leaders judge success in a step-wise direction. Every step is a positive move towards the ultimate goal. The completion of each step allows for review, adaptation and improvement.

4. Focus on one bite at a time per project.

Benefit: leaders have an order and method that provides the foundation for goal achievement. Each stage of the process merits focused attention without distraction, while keeping the final outcome in mind. Rewards are evident all along the way, while creativity and new information influence the pathway towards the goal. Evolution drives the engine, powering the effort with novelty, stimulation and a sense of risk taking that entrepreneurs enjoy.

5.Have a list of contingencies prepared for unpredictable circumstances.

Benefit: leaders are prepared for many outcomes and create strategies for dealing with obstacles toward the desired result. You can act immediately to take care of an emergency without having to think, plan and organize at this critical juncture. Energy and focus remain on the essential parts of the job rather than get used up in wasteful activities that create stress.

Take the stress quiz and discover what level of stress you are facing.

Tips on Anger management for Satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger overwhelmed Conrad when he couldn’t hang on to a relaxing day.

Conrad woke up angry and upset. Why did the good time have to end? He had relaxed, enjoyed being spontaneous and free with family and friends at the barbecue yesterday, but he was angry that it hadn’t lasted long enough. He wanted more of that feeling of utter abandonment and not caring what anyone thought. Conrad was angry that only eighteen hours later he had to settle for a fast fading memory.

Anger put the lid back on Conrad’s joy so he wouldn’t feel the loss.

A sense of loss invaded Conrad’s mood. He couldn’t allow himself to wallow in sadness, and anger borne of protest. He pulled himself together and set about getting on with the tasks of the day. As the hours flowed, Conrad felt ‘bunged up’ and irritable. He was curt in his interactions. He didn’t want to talk about or share his happy experience from yesterday. It was as if it had never happened. He put the brakes on the pleasant memories by multi-tasking and focusing on accomplishing the items on his agenda. Better to spend energy on things for which there was a tangible result than relive moments from his liberating experience of the day before. The latter only led to anger that he had been prematurely wrenched away from a rejuvenating source.

Anger helped Conrad keep his joyful but messy emotions under control.

Returning to the routines of regular life meant Conrad had to be ‘in control’ again. He had to watch for signs of excitement, joy, eager anticipation, the thrill of the unknown and the risk of letting people see him the way he really was. The earliest rumblings had to be quickly stamped on and killed. He put the shackles back on and wore a mask of robotic predictability. What was joy yesterday became ‘out of control messiness’ today. Relaxation, fun and being authentic turned into images of ‘disgusting sentimentality.’

Conrad had ‘bunged up’ his inclination to be authentic, feel his feelings without being self-conscious and be happy in his own skin. Putting a stopper on the bottle of joy and authenticity made him feel safe, contained and in control. He wasn’t allowed to enjoy life with others by being true to himself for more than a day at a time. It felt like he had exceeded his quota and now he had to be boxed in, ‘bunged up’ and not allowed out for a long time. He was afraid of allowing his feelings of joy to come out again for fear that he wouldn’t be able to modulate them.

Anger serves two important functions for Conrad.

Conrad’s experienced anger in two ways. First as a tool to stifle real and permanent feelings of enjoyment with life. The anger burned any strands of happiness that lingered beyond their allotted time. Secondly, after the massacre of joy, and no possibility of messy emotions, Conrad was safe enough to feel the anger of having to be his own executioner. Why was Conrad such a self-punishing control freak?

As a young child Conrad felt all his feelings naturally, fully, deeply and in the moment. But the reaction he got from his parents made him despise and fear his own feelings. His mother couldn’t tolerate Conrad’s genuine sadness or pain. She was unable to understand or comfort Conrad. He effectively ‘lost’ his mother by expressing his feelings organically. Conrad’s show of feelings scared his father, who set out to terminate them. There was no empathy, understanding or comfort. Just fear and abandonment.

Conrad was forced to become the terminator extraordinaire of his feelings.

Conrad learned to control his feelings from the get go so his mother wouldn’t be ‘disgusted’ and disown him. Conrad discovered that ‘bunging’ up his emotions was the only way to ensure that his father stayed calm and available to take care of him. He became the terminator extraordinaire!

Anger was used as a masochistic weapon to stomp on joy.

Just imagine the anger Conrad piled up each time he had to chop off his feelings in order to make sure his parents would stay around!

Just imagine the anger that built up when Conrad realized time and time again that his emotions were threatening to his parents, and as a result became a threat to his safety and well-being.

Just imagine the anger that boiled over and spilled into his existence when he had to curtail his enjoyment of life so that he didn’t become ‘out of control and messy!’

Just imagine the anger that Conrad got in touch with as an adult when he tasted some good times and found himself scurrying to put the shackles back on!

photo copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Conrad can use his anger to regain his right to feel joyful.

Conrad’s anger at having to be ‘bunged up’ is healthy anger and opens up a pathway to break from the stranglehold he has imposed on himself most of his life. He has an opportunity to do a reality check and discover whether his natural feelings really are over the top, scary, and disgusting.

Conrad can recall the connection he made with all the people at the barbecue who were all with him when he lived in the moment and didn’t hold back. That is one piece of reality that shows his feelings are acceptable and facilitate bonding experiences.

He can also start to check in with himself and learn that he can modulate his emotions in a way that allows for joy over a longer term.

Anger at being his own murderer can provide Conrad with the incentive to give himself credit for being able to manage feelings without having to be a control junkie.

Giving up anger as a weapon for psychological suicide by killing joy, and embracing anger as a fuel to develop self-trust and acceptance is Conrad’s best way forward.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Read more on empathy Read more on client experiences of managing emotions in therapy

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Judgements about her parenting were like thorns arousing anger!

Charlotte was irritated with her three year old daughter who wouldn’t stop pulling the cat’s tail.

She was about ready to tear her hair out when Millie just squealed and pulled even harder with each reprimand Charlotte uttered. What really made her angry was her husband’s response.

Barry had the nerve to come over and say “I’m tired of hearing you yell at Millie when I get home from work!”

“ So why don’t you give me some tips on being a better parent!” Charlotte said, while hoping to pick up some successful strategies without having to admit her desperation.

“Why can’t you just be more patient!” Barry replied impulsively but truthfully.

“ You should have stayed at work!” Charlotte said, twisting the knife into Barry’s sore spot.

“Stop ordering me around. I hate it when you speak to me as if I’m an idiot.” Barry hit back.

fear at skeletons coming out of the closet sparked anger

Overwhelming anger was much safer than feeling sad and helpless

Barry was furious that he was being rejected

Charlotte was angry that she was being judged.

Both got defensive and attacked each other to protect themselves from further blows.

Both avoided facing a worse feeling – pain and sadness.

Anger protects Charlotte and Barry from feeling wiped out

Getting in touch with sadness and grief can be overwhelming. You fear that it will be like a big black greedy hole sucking you in like a turbo charged vacuum cleaner. You imagine that you will never be able to get back out and function in a meaningful way. You will be helpless and hopeless. Deep sadness can threaten to rob you of your sense of power and control, because it touches you in a place where you are at the mercy of a loved one’s attention. The full force of loss hits you in a way that is unbearable. Facing the loss of attention and focus of your loved one may as well mean you don’t exist.

What is the awful sadness that Barry and Charlotte can't face?

Charlotte’s sadness stems from the fact that.

1. She can’t control her daughter and feels like a bad mother.

2. Her husband doesn’t notice her struggle.

3. Her husband doesn’t show her how to handle the situation.

4. Barry doesn’t teach her how to be patient

5. She is left feeling helpless and unsupported by the one person who she looks to for help

6. She may as well not exist.

Barry’s sadness arises from the sense that

1. He can’t get his wife to see the futility of her ways with Millie.

2. His wife doesn’t make him feel needed.

3. He feels unimportant and useless.

4. His way of helping isn’t received in a positive manner.

5. He is dismissed when he steps in.

6. He may as well not exist

anger shuts the door on closeness and mutual support

Anger gives you vitality – but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result.
• But you pay a big price.
• You may feel fully alive and vital.
• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.
• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.
• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

How to use sadness rather than anger to improve relationships

1. Consider your loved one as having similar needs to yourself

2. Picture your loved being sad just like you.

3. Let sadness be your common ground

4. Ask your loved one about their fears regarding fears about being judged by you.

5. Share your own concerns about how you will be judged if you admit your faults.

6. Connect in the space where you are both sad.

Benefits to both parties

A. Realizing you are not alone in the sadness will make it bearable.

B. Reaching out for connection through sadness will lessen the fear of being wiped out, and ultimately reduce the need for defensive anger.

C.You complement one another so that you are a team rather than two separate people vying for the title of ‘perfect person.’

D.Supportive interactions using sadness rather than defense through anger makes you stronger and more secure.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shirking duties was guaranteed to get Ezra angry

With a heaving chest and throbbing temples, Ezra clenched his jaws in anger when he found that the vegetables at the restaurant were unprepared. It was bad enough that local farmers had not supplied the eggplant he ordered for his signature dish. To find that Danny, his deputy hadn’t trimmed the artichokes was unbelievable. Anger turned to rage as Ezra started to cut away at the artichokes imagining punishing Danny with each knife stroke.

Danny arrived ten minutes later and was greeted with a scathing attack, questioning his judgment, and his commitment to Ezra’s standards and goals for the restaurant.

 Being left to clear up the mess made Ezra an angry and unforgiving task master

“How could you do this? Don’t you know how important this new menu is? You knew we had to change the dish at the last minute and still you didn’t bother to get things ready! I don’t get how you could be so thoughtless and irresponsible? Not only did I have to think of an alternative, get the artichokes and change the menu, but now I have to do your job as well! Ezra’s face became a ball of fire as anger took over the reins.

Who would be next to be scalded by Ezra's indiscriminate anger?

Flabbergasted at his boss’s angry outburst, Danny shrank back in shock. There was a hush in the kitchen as Ezra’s anger threw accusatory bullets of disapproval at them as his eyes darted from one to the other. Each one began a super fast mental scan to search for things he could find fault with, and be next in line for his wrath. It was becoming a familiar scene – Ezra expecting them to do their jobs as if they were him, and when they didn’t, his anger scalded them as if he’d dropped them in boiling water.

Ezra's anger was born from being dismissed and ignored as a child

Ezra hadn’t always been this way. He had been a quiet and gentle person, never mentioning his disappointments. He had learned early in life that his mother wasn’t going to be around when he got home from school, and that she wasn’t concerned about how he was doing or feeling. A dismissing mother and an invisible father made Ezra feel unfairly orphaned and bitterly angry. The anger was stifled as he became self-sufficient out of necessity, and gave the impression that he needed no one.

Except when it came to work. That’s where Ezra felt safe enough to let out the steaming anger. The sight of those unprepared artichokes turned Danny into his bad parents, and Ezra became the furious punishing child.

Turning the anger on himself protected Ezra's fragile relationships

Self-loathing filled Ezra’s existence for hours after his outbursts. He was embarrassed and ashamed at his loss of control. Not only was Ezra angry at the staff for not doing their jobs according to his expectations, but he got even more angry with himself for showing his anger. Fury and disappointment at the workers got turned into self-flagellation, punishing himself for acting like a child having a tantrum.

Self-inflicted anger poured salt on Ezra's wounds

Ezra’s self-inflicted anger was masochistic, pouring salt on the wound of having his expectations dashed, yet again. Alone and scared Ezra read books and researched the internet for strategies to manage his emotions He got the facts about anger and memorized the most useful tactics that applied to his situations, but when he was faced with someone he relied on not doing their job and dumping it on him, he blew up every time.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Horror, humiliation and hurt led Ezra to a place of healing

This incident with Danny was the most humiliating moment of Ezra’s life. Horror at his angry behavior turned up the volume on his self-disgust and hatred, making him scared to be with people. The pain of not having the parents he was entitled to and the shame of behaving so badly propelled Ezra to psychotherapy. As he overcame his shame and impatience he learned that he had never forgiven his parents for not being there for him. Anyone who didn’t do their job right or made a mistake got a beating meant for his parents. At least he could get an apology from them that would never come from his parents.

As he worked through these pieces of unfinished business that acted as incendiary devices, Ezra learned to tell the difference between parental abrogation of duty and let downs from others. The solid, reliable and consistent therapeutic relationship helped Ezra interact with people as they were, rather than as stand-ins for his unsupportive parents. Ezra is now compassionate with himself and others.

Read more about feeling needy in relationships.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.