Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and hate consumed Sebastian

Anger that his marriage hadn’t worked out the way he hoped washed over Sebastian from the minute he woke up. He was angry with his selfish wife. He was angry that she didn’t seem to want to help their son with his homework or encourage him in sports. Sebastian was angry that he had to take care of everything at home while Loretta showed little concern for the family.

Anger became stronger when Sebastian compared work to home life

Teaching music to kids at school was his only escape. The lack of joint rhythms in his marriage was countered by the magical blending of sounds the children made into enjoyable harmonies. However, the fact that Sebastian could get the kids to act together for a common goal made him all the more angry that his efforts to do the same with his marriage failed.

Anger at not picking the right wife made Sebastian beat up on himself

Most of all Sebastian was angry with himself for picking Loretta as a wife. He berated himself for being blind to her faults when they were courting. Sebastian felt adored and wanted by Loretta before they married. He imagined she would focus on him and the family they made with an energy that would prove her devotion and his worth. Sebastian saw the chance to have a reliable and sacrificial caring partner who would put family first. What he got shattered his dreams. The birth of their son turned her into a tired, complaining wife who did less and less for the family. Sebastian got more and more irritated, resentful and angry that his burden was increasing while Loretta became more insular.

Anger at being forced into breaking up the family was horrifying

Divorce had crossed his mind several times. Each time Sebastian felt upset and angry with Loretta, his determination to get divorced got stronger. The moment he came to begin the process he would freeze with fear and anxiety. He cycled through this “on and off” conflict millions of times over the last two years. He just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of breaking up his family horrified him. He was angry that he had been put in a position of acting like his father who had left his family.

If only Loretta would leave! It would take the pressure off Sebastian. It would absolve him of being the family murderer. Sebastian’s anger with Loretta’s insensitivity took a toll on his health. He got sciatica and severe headaches which took him out of action. He managed to continue working and got relief and pleasure from that. At home the anger and pain got stronger. He had to stay in bed for long periods, leaving his wife and son to manage by themselves.

Masochistic anger that made Sebastian sick got him out of the trap

Sebastian was caught in an unenviable trap. He wanted out of his marriage but he didn’t want to be the one to break it up. He wanted to undo his bad choice but he didn’t want to feel like a killer. He wanted to find a more satisfying relationship but he didn’t want to live with the guilt of being a home breaker. He just couldn’t find the strength and resolve to cut his losses and improve his life and that of his son. Loretta hadn’t cheated on him or done anything he could use as a legitimate reason for divorce. She just wasn’t the devoted and care taking spouse he desired. She was more like his own mother, depressed and ineffectual. Sebastian’s mother had never got over the desertion of her husband. His mother had become withdrawn and did the minimum to maintain the family system.

Physical pain was easier to bear than feelings of intense anger

Anger helped Sebastian to avoid his fear and guilt. Anger at his father for deserting him, anger at his mother for not moving on, anger at his wife for being like his mother, and now anger at himself for doing the same was too much to bear. The only way he could cope was to turn the anger against himself by making himself sick. It was easier to feel physical pain than the pain of feeling like a beast if went for the divorce and acted like his father. It was more tolerable to suffer with headaches and sciatica than feel the disgust of being weak and giving up on life like his mother.

Perhaps Sebastian's wife would take action if he got sick with anger

Underneath all the physical pain and emotional turmoil Sebastian attempted to solve his difficult dilemma. If he was sick and unable to take care of the family, Loretta would be forced into action. Perhaps she would get upset enough to leave and save Sebastian from having to be a home breaker. Without being conscious of it, Sebastian was setting her up to do what he wished, letting him off the hook. The only way he could do it without feeling the shame, guilt and fear of divorce was to be massively angry and turn it inwards masochistically. He was willing to risk psychological suicide in the desperate hope that Loretta would sever the ties.

Dealing with his conflict helped Sebastian forgive himself and move on

Sebastian’s life was unbearable miserable and affecting his work and his son. He found psychotherapy a safe and neutral place for him to process his years of anger that he had held in. Anger at his parents, his wife and himself. As he felt the sadness and desolation of his childhood he began forgiving himself for wanting to end his marriage. Steps towards understanding and forgiving his imperfect family made him accept his own imperfections and that helped him take steps to make a better life for himself, his son and his wife as they agreed to part.

Louis's shock turns to disbelief and anger

The world caved in on Louis when his girlfriend of three years ditched him, complaining he was ‘too needy!’ Louis had been the devoted boyfriend and caretaker. He did whatever she asked no matter what the cost to him. He cut out his friends and family. He stopped playing sports and dropped out of college. When the shock of his rude dismissal from the relationship hit him, he went through a period of disbelief and then he became angry.

Getting zero return on his relationship investment made Louis furious

Louis had given her his undivided attention, and anticipated her every need. He lost himself in the relationship and was furious that his investment had failed. Louis despondently recalled his fitness routine in the gym and on the basketball court. He remembered the exhilaration of Marshall arts and the fun he had winding down with his mates. He thought of the ease with which he sailed through high school math and science. He could have done a lot with his talents and energy. By rights he ought to be on a stimulating career path, earning good money. But at the age of 26 he was penniless, jobless and rooming with a relative. He was overweight, out of shape and despondent.

The anger of wasted potential jump started Louis's recovery

Anger washed over the sad and sorry parts of Louis. He hated feeling beaten and hung out to dry. It reminded him of the times his mother scolded him for not doing his homework right the first time. He relived the sting of his teachers calling him lazy, and other students mocking him with jealousy when he got straight ‘A’ grades without studying. Louis felt the taste of his wasted potential as his rage kicked him in the gut. He couldn’t sleep, eat or enjoy hanging out with friends. Louis decided to rediscover his old self and bring it up to speed.

Louis used anger as his power tool to rebuild his self-esteem

Louis developed a daily routine at the gym. He found his way back into a basketball team and practiced hard. It made him feel strong and on fire. He focused his attention on getting his body toned up with a good diet. He slept better and woke refreshed ready to explore his abilities. He enrolled in college and took a full set of classes to make up for the wasted years. He found himself to be sharp, able to concentrate and achieve grades he was proud of.

There are many resources in Max's tool box to use anger productively

What does research tell us about anger and achievement?

In 2007 a study outlined in the Journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that anger is often helpful in thinking through a problem in a more rational and analytical manner. Louis used his anger exactly in this way. He had been blinded by the relationship and fear of loss. Anger at being dumped made him think more clearly and rationally about his needs and he set about putting his own house in order.

A 2008 study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science suggests that anger is beneficial when people have to perform confrontational tasks. Anger improved performance on tasks that involved ‘beating an enemy.’ Louis had many internal enemies. Louis had to confront the fact that he had been rejected. He had to confront the loss of self-esteem, self-respect and his part in losing himself in a one-way relationship.

Ten ways Louis used anger to build himself up and succeed.

1. Anger lit the fire of personal control and power

2. Anger propelled Louis to focus on himself- his present and his future.

3. Anger at being dumped made Louis decide to zoom in on his dormant strengths and skills.

4. Anger helped Louis to shut out distractions and focus his energy and intelligence to take charge of his life.

5. Anger made Louis determined to feel capable and accomplished.

6. Anger pushed Louis to test himself and feel the pride of success.

7. Anger directed Louis to put himself through his paces, reaching new heights.

8. Anger allowed Louis to come back fighting, performing better and ever.

9. Anger took Louis from a sense of defeat and loss to triumph and gain.

10. Anger drove Louis to overcome the humiliation of being dumped and find multiple reasons to think and believe well of himself.

We have all seen athletes and opposing teams whether political or commercial ‘psyche’ themselves up with anger in order to ‘win.’ Louis’s case is an example of using anger to win the internal battles with yourself against your own blind spots.

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things went south in the blink of an eye

An Accident Derails Max's Life

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his journey towards a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He was livid. The shock of the accident kept his rage at bay. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor's visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company for health benefits. A law suit conveyed his fury at the negligence of his employer for non-compliance with workplace safety codes.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

supportive fronds of love and care interfered with Max's anger

Cocooned in a Chrysalis Where Resentment Festers

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiance and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies come true

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn't respond to his fiance's eagerness to face the challenges ahead and adapt their plans for the future. Her encouraging comments felt like jabs, pushing him to get back on his feet before he was ready. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of his back injury, he anticipated the break up of their engagement. He goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him.

Max is Lonely and Isolated

Max's friends called, visited, and made arrangements to take him out. He couldn't bear to witness them getting ahead while he was standing still. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. Eventually the calls and visits dropped off, and Max became increasingly isolated.

Life Goes From Bad To Worse

Physicians and surgeons tried one thing after another to help heal the disc. They didn't know why he wasn't responding to state of the art surgery and rehabilitation. The insurance company refused to cover any more experimental treatments. Physical therapy offered little hope for improved mobility. The legal battle provided some compensation but no where near enough to cover medical bills, let alone living expenses.

Indignation and Outrage Erupt

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn't win bigger, his fiance who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The Power Of The Victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn't be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Anger and victim hood isn't the only choice

Transition To a New Life Was Treachery

Max wanted the world to stop at the precise moment before his fall. Responding to medications, surgeries and encouragements would be a betrayal of his prior life. Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn't want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. Transition to a new life was treachery. By keeping his prior existence on life support, Max sabotaged his chances of getting better. His physical pain and mobility problems became the symbols of the past he refused to let go of, and a future he refused to acknowledge.

Max has a choice. He can continue this death watch or he can begin the mourning process. Grief and mourning are the key to choosing vitality rather than victim hood. The first entryway to mourning is often anger. Rage has enormous energy and if aligned with the desire for life, it will act as a resurrecting force. Max has a right to be angry. Taking it out on his family and doctors is counterproductive. Harnessing the anger into a fighting spirit boosts his immune system, jump starts the healing process and encourages his loved ones to maintain their support.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after he was paralyzed by a horse riding accident. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using the force of his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people.

Max can't accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. He will need psychotherapy to help him through the grieving process while empowering him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss. He can also find a new calling – how exciting is that !!

   Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Family gatherings bring on dermatitis

Sabrina woke up itching with red splotches all over her face, neck, chest and arms. Dermatitis was back, out of the blue. Frustrated with this itchy eczema she went to breakfast determined to be strong and in command when her parents threw questions at her about her health and career.

Will this family event be loving or hostile?

The weeks leading up to this holiday break with family were dotted with images of warmth, acceptance, encouragement and respectful interactions. Sabrina always hoped that her family gatherings would be just like the ones she had experienced at her friend’s home. Everyone talked openly and tolerated differences of opinion. The bonds in Nancy’s family were strong and survived heated arguments. Perhaps this time Sabrina’s family would match that ideal.

Anxiety about conflict makes Sabrina stressed out

As the family time drew nearer Sabrina found herself getting tense and preparing for the worst. Anxiety was creeping up as she imagined the demands and expectations in the disapproving way her father would look at her. She pictured her sister dumping all her problems out at the dinner table and looking to Sabrina to fix them. She heard her mother’s critical voice demeaning her dress code and unreliable free lance design business.

Eczema shocks Sabrina into self-discovery

Sabrina decided to by pass that scenario. She didn’t want to feel angry, upset, foolish or small. She put on her tried and trusted battle costume. The one that allowed her to focus her attention and concern on everyone else. That way she could avoid conflicts, protect herself from disappointment, make the family feel good and avoid getting stressed out. It was a sure fire way to succeed and be in full control.

Sabrina felt strong and ready to head off any battles before they decimated her sense of efficacy and pride in herself. The eczema outbreak shocked her, and that’s when she decided to discover more about herself and her dermatitis.

Dermatitis, personality, stress and emotions – how are these linked for Sabrina?

Studies have focused on the interplay between stress and personality factors that appear to be linked with sufferers of eczema and other forms of dermatitis.

People with eczema and other forms of dermatitis have a certain combination of factors that make them vulnerable to stress. They have difficulty regulating what the outside world throws at them, and use their bodies as a barrier against being overwhelmed with emotions that feel unmanageable. They like the idea of caring relationships but experience interpersonal interactions as conflictual and intrusive.

Here are the main research findings:

Dermatitis sufferers

1. get stressed out by job related failure and social conflicts

2. have anxious personalities that make it difficult to handle stress effectively ( Journal of Brain, Behavior and Immunity, 2008)

3. have strong needs for recognition and success

4. take pride in their own strength and vitality

5. are highly strung, and choose self-reliance over inter-dependency

6. tend to be impatient and irritable

7. are unable to relax easily

8. are often tense and restless

9. are sentimental but easily and often disappointed with other people and the world in general

10.view the demands of others as infringements and imposition on their lives

11. have a characteristic “armor plate defense.” Their bodies, especially skin becomes the barrier that prevents disappointing experiences from entering their psyches and creating emotional turmoil.

12.Are prone to alexithymia – difficulty expressing emotions in words.( Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 2007)

Building up her psychological skin helped the dermatitis disappear

The embarrassment of having eczema in such prominent places as her face and neck made Sabrina feel self-conscious, stressed and foolish. All the things she worked so hard to avoid. Her distress brought her into psychotherapy. She discovered that she had been sitting on a life time of bitter disappointment with her family that had never been processed. She learned that she hated having to be a certain way in order to be included in her family. Sabrina noticed that each time she forced herself to be what she thought her family expected, her eczema would return as if in protest. Sabrina found that in therapy she was accepted and honored for herself. She felt safe enough to acknowledge and express her emotions at a pace that she could tolerate. As she built up her psychological skin of resilience, the dermatitis faded. It had done it’s job and wasn’t needed anymore.

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explosive anger can fill you with guilt and shame

Why on earth are we burdened with anger?

Why do we have to battle with anger all our lives? What is the point of having this emotion? Why can’t we do without it? We aren’t needing to kill predators to protect our lives or keep meager food rations for ourselves as we did millions of years ago. So what on earth does anger do for us in this day and age?

Want to stop being a doormat? Get Angry!

Anger continues to have a strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms.

Are you a resentful people pleaser like Carrie?

Carrie was a people pleaser. It made her feel deserving and worthy. She took pains to give her children what she never had. Anything she could do for them that her parents never did for her made her feel like a good mother. Responding to requests from family members to help out even when she was sick or exhausted was one more step toward being in their good books. That was the way to save up emotional dollars in the relationship bank accounts, that surely would yield high interest!

Fear and guilt destroy Carrie's right to a healthy identity

For years Carrie felt hurt and angry that she did so much for her loved ones but got so little back in return. When ever her anger bubbled over and she dared to think about herself, guilt and sadness covered it up. Expectations of her grew to unmanageable proportions. Her children, siblings, parents and husband harangued her when she couldn’t do as they asked. She felt more and more guilty and feared that she would deplete her reserves in the relationship account. So she ratcheted up her actions to do what they wanted, leaving herself empty and worn out.

changing your inner dialogue to value yourself stops explosive outbursts

Bursts of intense anger entitle Carrie to value herself

A demand from Carrie’s sister to drop everything and come fix her yard following storm damage changed everything. That one command triggered a massive reaction in Carrie’s body. It was as if her whole body was on fire. Her heart thumped like an industrial hammer and her voice took on an urgency that surpassed any alarm bell or siren. With clenched teeth giving her determination and trembling hands that wanted to strangle her sister, Carrie exploded!

“Fix your own yard. I’m not your servant! You never ask me how I am, or care about how I feel! You never offer to do anything for me. If you can’t call me and listen to me as I listen to you then don’t bother calling!” Carrie burst out with years of suppressed anger.

At around the same time, Carrie noticed that her 20 year old daughter was getting on her nerves. Miranda kept calling and wanting to be chauffeured from one place to the next. She wanted money for this that and everything, and expected it immediately. She insisted on an expensive apple computer for school, not to mention an iphone! Carrie’s anger spiraled into a powerful tornado of rage. A rage of self-protection. She refused to be spoken to like a puppy dog being made to perform tricks and shocked Miranda into speechlessness.

In the past Carrie would have tried to plead hardship, hoping to tug at Miranda’s heart strings and sense of fairness. It never worked, because Miranda knew all to well that her mother always gave in. All she needed to do was go through the motions of being thankful for a split second and she could get whatever she wanted pretty much on demand.

Anger motivates Carrie to protect herself

For Carrie the choice felt as stark as this ‘do as she says and keep your daughter close, or be selfish and lonely, guilty and regretful for the rest of your life.’ Faced with that conflict, Carrie always chose the former. Until now. As she was being ground into the dust with no sign of reprieve, her survival instinct kicked in. Her fury at not being able to withdraw the interest on her relationship bank accounts eventually allowed her to put her needs first. Resentment topped guilt and released her anger.

Research shows that anger is a motivator to establish closeness

Research reported in the Journal Hormones and Behavior, 2010 found that anger stimulates the left frontal lobe in the brain which is associated with a motivation to be close and connect. That is what Carrie wanted. She wanted to be close with her daughter but her conflict got in the way.

Anger propelled Carrie into surviving on a level playing field

Carrie was terrified of her angry outbursts and came to therapy. Working with me in therapy helped Carrie used her anger profitably. It fueled her into valuing herself, rather than waiting and hoping for her family to do so.

She got comfortable with saying “ I want, I need, I would like, I expect…..” Anger became Carrie’s source of power and strength in a positive way. She learned to put herself on the map with firmer boundaries so that family members couldn’t take advantage of her without any consequences.

Carrie’s anger motivated her to expect respect from others. Her anger gave her permission to tap into her true desires with a sense of pride and entitlement, not shame and guilt. Anger saved Carrie from having her identity and enjoyment in life crushed. It literally enabled her to survive in a strong, self-empowered manner. Just in case you think she became just like her family, Carrie retained her sensitivity towards them and relates on an equal footing!

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

Success Disappears So Quickly

Mimi was proud of the ten pounds she had lost on her new diet and exercise regimen. It was easy and enjoyable. A few days later Mimi was part of a decision making team at work. Arguments and insults flying around made her afraid of giving her opinion. Right then Mimi sensed something was missing. She grabbed a pillow and put in on her abdomen. What a relief! During that stressful moment Mimi missed the 'padding' that her fat had provided. The cushion blanketed the messy feeling. Driving home she felt demeaned and diminished. Why was it okay for her colleagues to vent, but leave no space for her views? Anger frothed up. Her rage felt like a ball of sharp nails ready to lacerate her insides causing a bloody hemorrhage.

She stopped at a store and bought a quart of chocolate ice- cream and a large bag of potato chips. That combination was the her most trusted and true numbing device. Those sharp nails became frozen with layers of reassuring and calming comfort food. No chance of any disgusting leaks of weakness. Keeping her cool was rewarded by yummy admiration and scrumptious respect.

The Bad News

Mimi's body weight represented both the burden of her undigested emotions and those she swallowed from others by choosing not to be assertive. Mimi believed that she kept her close relationships with friends and family by being an ever absorbing sponge for their awful feelings. They perceived her as tough and indestructible. Keeping it all in was a badge of honor. Emotional constipation was Mimi's sign of power and resilience. She dealt with overflowing gunky confused emotions by converting the trash into fat. That weight smothered her instincts to express her individuality. The heaviness paralyzed her so she couldn't take risks with being herself.

Her weight went up and stayed up despite her punishing splurge with personal fitness gurus, coaches, nutritionists and all the advice in the best diet books.

The good news

Eating anesthetized slimy feelings. The weight she carried acted as armor against feeling abused, taken advantage of, and dismissed. Her fat was the one part of her she could trust. Her fat camouflaged her need for love, support and acceptance. Life was a breeze when she didn't have to ask for those basic things and risk rejection and ridicule.

Yo-Yo weight games

Mimi was successful with diets when she felt strong and an equal player in the world. As soon as that fragile mood was threatened by words of conditional love, put downs, and a dismissal of her opinions Mimi felt naked and vulnerable. Food was the comforter and the weight she gained became a shield against the abuse. The thicker the armor the less chance there was of being destabilized and out of control. The armor plating was solid enough to deodorize the stench of her own chaotic and stinky feelings. The armor did such a good job that she couldn't distinguish between her own mess and that of others. It also bypassed her emotional thermostat so that she never knew when she couldn't take any more of other people's trash. Food was the best way of resetting the switch and lowering the temperature.

Mimi's quandary: Looking good or feeling strong?

Did she focus on feeling physically attractive by losing fat, or feeling emotionally strong and protected by keeping the fat? Either way, she had to abandon one part of herself – a no win situation.

Tips on Avoiding Mimi's Dilemma

•  Trust your first signs of anger as a signal to protect yourself.
• Re-cycle your angry energy into motivation to get heard and acknowledged.
•  Use the motivation to risk saying what you feel as you become aware of it.
•  Feel the validation of taking that risk rather than the weight of keeping it all in.
•  Build emotional strength from the validation.
•  Digest your experiences by owning only what is yours, and discarding the rest.
•  Ownership means responsibility for getting in touch with your needs and satisfying them. That takes courage and strength.
•  Re-write your dialogue from one of self-punishment to one of self-care.

These tasks are difficult to do alone. If you are stuck in the garbage all you see is mold and slime. It doesn't seem worth caring for. Friends and family are part of the problem and cannot help at the outset. It suits them to keep you firmly in the role of the ever accepting trash can. That way they can smell sweet while you reek. An objective professional such as a licensed psychotherapist can be helpful to get started on your journey.