Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shirking duties was guaranteed to get Ezra angry

With a heaving chest and throbbing temples, Ezra clenched his jaws in anger when he found that the vegetables at the restaurant were unprepared. It was bad enough that local farmers had not supplied the eggplant he ordered for his signature dish. To find that Danny, his deputy hadn’t trimmed the artichokes was unbelievable. Anger turned to rage as Ezra started to cut away at the artichokes imagining punishing Danny with each knife stroke.

Danny arrived ten minutes later and was greeted with a scathing attack, questioning his judgment, and his commitment to Ezra’s standards and goals for the restaurant.

 Being left to clear up the mess made Ezra an angry and unforgiving task master

“How could you do this? Don’t you know how important this new menu is? You knew we had to change the dish at the last minute and still you didn’t bother to get things ready! I don’t get how you could be so thoughtless and irresponsible? Not only did I have to think of an alternative, get the artichokes and change the menu, but now I have to do your job as well! Ezra’s face became a ball of fire as anger took over the reins.

Who would be next to be scalded by Ezra's indiscriminate anger?

Flabbergasted at his boss’s angry outburst, Danny shrank back in shock. There was a hush in the kitchen as Ezra’s anger threw accusatory bullets of disapproval at them as his eyes darted from one to the other. Each one began a super fast mental scan to search for things he could find fault with, and be next in line for his wrath. It was becoming a familiar scene – Ezra expecting them to do their jobs as if they were him, and when they didn’t, his anger scalded them as if he’d dropped them in boiling water.

Ezra's anger was born from being dismissed and ignored as a child

Ezra hadn’t always been this way. He had been a quiet and gentle person, never mentioning his disappointments. He had learned early in life that his mother wasn’t going to be around when he got home from school, and that she wasn’t concerned about how he was doing or feeling. A dismissing mother and an invisible father made Ezra feel unfairly orphaned and bitterly angry. The anger was stifled as he became self-sufficient out of necessity, and gave the impression that he needed no one.

Except when it came to work. That’s where Ezra felt safe enough to let out the steaming anger. The sight of those unprepared artichokes turned Danny into his bad parents, and Ezra became the furious punishing child.

Turning the anger on himself protected Ezra's fragile relationships

Self-loathing filled Ezra’s existence for hours after his outbursts. He was embarrassed and ashamed at his loss of control. Not only was Ezra angry at the staff for not doing their jobs according to his expectations, but he got even more angry with himself for showing his anger. Fury and disappointment at the workers got turned into self-flagellation, punishing himself for acting like a child having a tantrum.

Self-inflicted anger poured salt on Ezra's wounds

Ezra’s self-inflicted anger was masochistic, pouring salt on the wound of having his expectations dashed, yet again. Alone and scared Ezra read books and researched the internet for strategies to manage his emotions He got the facts about anger and memorized the most useful tactics that applied to his situations, but when he was faced with someone he relied on not doing their job and dumping it on him, he blew up every time.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Horror, humiliation and hurt led Ezra to a place of healing

This incident with Danny was the most humiliating moment of Ezra’s life. Horror at his angry behavior turned up the volume on his self-disgust and hatred, making him scared to be with people. The pain of not having the parents he was entitled to and the shame of behaving so badly propelled Ezra to psychotherapy. As he overcame his shame and impatience he learned that he had never forgiven his parents for not being there for him. Anyone who didn’t do their job right or made a mistake got a beating meant for his parents. At least he could get an apology from them that would never come from his parents.

As he worked through these pieces of unfinished business that acted as incendiary devices, Ezra learned to tell the difference between parental abrogation of duty and let downs from others. The solid, reliable and consistent therapeutic relationship helped Ezra interact with people as they were, rather than as stand-ins for his unsupportive parents. Ezra is now compassionate with himself and others.

Read more about feeling needy in relationships.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.
 

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and hate consumed Sebastian

Anger that his marriage hadn’t worked out the way he hoped washed over Sebastian from the minute he woke up. He was angry with his selfish wife. He was angry that she didn’t seem to want to help their son with his homework or encourage him in sports. Sebastian was angry that he had to take care of everything at home while Loretta showed little concern for the family.

Anger became stronger when Sebastian compared work to home life

Teaching music to kids at school was his only escape. The lack of joint rhythms in his marriage was countered by the magical blending of sounds the children made into enjoyable harmonies. However, the fact that Sebastian could get the kids to act together for a common goal made him all the more angry that his efforts to do the same with his marriage failed.

Anger at not picking the right wife made Sebastian beat up on himself

Most of all Sebastian was angry with himself for picking Loretta as a wife. He berated himself for being blind to her faults when they were courting. Sebastian felt adored and wanted by Loretta before they married. He imagined she would focus on him and the family they made with an energy that would prove her devotion and his worth. Sebastian saw the chance to have a reliable and sacrificial caring partner who would put family first. What he got shattered his dreams. The birth of their son turned her into a tired, complaining wife who did less and less for the family. Sebastian got more and more irritated, resentful and angry that his burden was increasing while Loretta became more insular.

Anger at being forced into breaking up the family was horrifying

Divorce had crossed his mind several times. Each time Sebastian felt upset and angry with Loretta, his determination to get divorced got stronger. The moment he came to begin the process he would freeze with fear and anxiety. He cycled through this “on and off” conflict millions of times over the last two years. He just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of breaking up his family horrified him. He was angry that he had been put in a position of acting like his father who had left his family.

If only Loretta would leave! It would take the pressure off Sebastian. It would absolve him of being the family murderer. Sebastian’s anger with Loretta’s insensitivity took a toll on his health. He got sciatica and severe headaches which took him out of action. He managed to continue working and got relief and pleasure from that. At home the anger and pain got stronger. He had to stay in bed for long periods, leaving his wife and son to manage by themselves.

Masochistic anger that made Sebastian sick got him out of the trap

Sebastian was caught in an unenviable trap. He wanted out of his marriage but he didn’t want to be the one to break it up. He wanted to undo his bad choice but he didn’t want to feel like a killer. He wanted to find a more satisfying relationship but he didn’t want to live with the guilt of being a home breaker. He just couldn’t find the strength and resolve to cut his losses and improve his life and that of his son. Loretta hadn’t cheated on him or done anything he could use as a legitimate reason for divorce. She just wasn’t the devoted and care taking spouse he desired. She was more like his own mother, depressed and ineffectual. Sebastian’s mother had never got over the desertion of her husband. His mother had become withdrawn and did the minimum to maintain the family system.

Physical pain was easier to bear than feelings of intense anger

Anger helped Sebastian to avoid his fear and guilt. Anger at his father for deserting him, anger at his mother for not moving on, anger at his wife for being like his mother, and now anger at himself for doing the same was too much to bear. The only way he could cope was to turn the anger against himself by making himself sick. It was easier to feel physical pain than the pain of feeling like a beast if went for the divorce and acted like his father. It was more tolerable to suffer with headaches and sciatica than feel the disgust of being weak and giving up on life like his mother.

Perhaps Sebastian's wife would take action if he got sick with anger

Underneath all the physical pain and emotional turmoil Sebastian attempted to solve his difficult dilemma. If he was sick and unable to take care of the family, Loretta would be forced into action. Perhaps she would get upset enough to leave and save Sebastian from having to be a home breaker. Without being conscious of it, Sebastian was setting her up to do what he wished, letting him off the hook. The only way he could do it without feeling the shame, guilt and fear of divorce was to be massively angry and turn it inwards masochistically. He was willing to risk psychological suicide in the desperate hope that Loretta would sever the ties.

Dealing with his conflict helped Sebastian forgive himself and move on

Sebastian’s life was unbearable miserable and affecting his work and his son. He found psychotherapy a safe and neutral place for him to process his years of anger that he had held in. Anger at his parents, his wife and himself. As he felt the sadness and desolation of his childhood he began forgiving himself for wanting to end his marriage. Steps towards understanding and forgiving his imperfect family made him accept his own imperfections and that helped him take steps to make a better life for himself, his son and his wife as they agreed to part.

Why isn't my brother here when I need him?

The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations became a blur as her eyes kept scanning the huge hall for her elder brother.

Yvonne's friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of smiling as she thanked her thoughtful pals.

It's too late

" You are amazing sis. I always knew you could do it." Larry's voice penetrated the jubilant atmosphere as he made ready to embrace his sister. Yvonne wanted to jump for joy and strangle Larry simultaneously. Pride made Yvonne choose rage. " It's too late now!" she responded as her "You missed everything!"

" Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but I'm here for the party," Larry said making light of it.

"'There's always something! You knew how important this was to me. I only get to do this once in my life, and you couldn't make the effort to be there for me!" Yvonne cut him dead.

Yvonne's hot button gets triggered big time

In that split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry's feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. As a child she had dealt with the hurt by trying even harder. Anger wasn't an option. It could sever the tenuous ties with her parents for ever.

Yvonne's hot button consists of layers of compressed anger and resentment created during a formative period in her life. It is old, cracked, dry and excellent tinder material. Fresh disappointments ignite the ball of raw emotion making the hot button explode. Larry's failure to attend Yvonne's graduation was a reincarnation of the past. He personified every past failure to acknowledge and recognize her legitimate achievements.

Yvonne's fury fractures the relationship with Larry

No longer constrained by the fear of loss,years of fury and resentment came out full throttle. The intensity of her feeling turned into an unspoken demand. It went something like this.

"Brother, you must make up for all those times mom and dad disappointed me and tossed me aside. You have to be the good parent now."

That put him in a straight jacket. He didn't perform in the way that Yvonne insisted, and was labeled a failure. Yvonne's demands were not met giving her a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractured under pressure.

Yvonne didn't speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel some of her pain. She dismissed him just like he had dismissed her by missing the ceremony. She felt the enormous power of retribution, like a bulldozer indiscriminately knocking down every source of frustration, disappointment and heartbreak in her psychic landscape.

Yvonne's brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage

As the bulldozer ran out of gas Yvonne was deflated. She flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren't worth a damn if her brother couldn't get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn't care about her, why should she care about herself?

The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne had inflicted the worst punishment on herself. Larry's congratulation didn't arrive at the right time, or in the right way. It wasn't the perfect fit she demanded. She rejected his offerings and denied herself the accolade she craved. A brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage.

Unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, made her doubly deprived. Furious that she was being robbed of her entitlements added to the stock pile of fuel feeding her hot button. The more she felt the betrayed by the one person who should be honoring her, the hotter the button sizzled. Reinforced by attention the hot button got stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.http://losangeleswestsidetherapy.com/intimacy/trust-and-betrayal/#.VbOx1flcLdc

As she tires of torturing herself, Yvonne can get a handle on her hot button. She can mourn the loss of validation withheld by her parents. That allows her to separate the past from the present and deal with new disappointments more realistically. Yvonne can take charge of her hot button by valuing affirmations from friends and colleagues. She can also treasure Larry's attempts to honor her even if they don't come in exactly the right package. Layers of acknowledgment will replace the layers of resentment, making Yvonne one cool lady!

Louis's shock turns to disbelief and anger

The world caved in on Louis when his girlfriend of three years ditched him, complaining he was ‘too needy!’ Louis had been the devoted boyfriend and caretaker. He did whatever she asked no matter what the cost to him. He cut out his friends and family. He stopped playing sports and dropped out of college. When the shock of his rude dismissal from the relationship hit him, he went through a period of disbelief and then he became angry.

Getting zero return on his relationship investment made Louis furious

Louis had given her his undivided attention, and anticipated her every need. He lost himself in the relationship and was furious that his investment had failed. Louis despondently recalled his fitness routine in the gym and on the basketball court. He remembered the exhilaration of Marshall arts and the fun he had winding down with his mates. He thought of the ease with which he sailed through high school math and science. He could have done a lot with his talents and energy. By rights he ought to be on a stimulating career path, earning good money. But at the age of 26 he was penniless, jobless and rooming with a relative. He was overweight, out of shape and despondent.

The anger of wasted potential jump started Louis's recovery

Anger washed over the sad and sorry parts of Louis. He hated feeling beaten and hung out to dry. It reminded him of the times his mother scolded him for not doing his homework right the first time. He relived the sting of his teachers calling him lazy, and other students mocking him with jealousy when he got straight ‘A’ grades without studying. Louis felt the taste of his wasted potential as his rage kicked him in the gut. He couldn’t sleep, eat or enjoy hanging out with friends. Louis decided to rediscover his old self and bring it up to speed.

Louis used anger as his power tool to rebuild his self-esteem

Louis developed a daily routine at the gym. He found his way back into a basketball team and practiced hard. It made him feel strong and on fire. He focused his attention on getting his body toned up with a good diet. He slept better and woke refreshed ready to explore his abilities. He enrolled in college and took a full set of classes to make up for the wasted years. He found himself to be sharp, able to concentrate and achieve grades he was proud of.

There are many resources in Max's tool box to use anger productively

What does research tell us about anger and achievement?

In 2007 a study outlined in the Journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that anger is often helpful in thinking through a problem in a more rational and analytical manner. Louis used his anger exactly in this way. He had been blinded by the relationship and fear of loss. Anger at being dumped made him think more clearly and rationally about his needs and he set about putting his own house in order.

A 2008 study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science suggests that anger is beneficial when people have to perform confrontational tasks. Anger improved performance on tasks that involved ‘beating an enemy.’ Louis had many internal enemies. Louis had to confront the fact that he had been rejected. He had to confront the loss of self-esteem, self-respect and his part in losing himself in a one-way relationship.

Ten ways Louis used anger to build himself up and succeed.

1. Anger lit the fire of personal control and power

2. Anger propelled Louis to focus on himself- his present and his future.

3. Anger at being dumped made Louis decide to zoom in on his dormant strengths and skills.

4. Anger helped Louis to shut out distractions and focus his energy and intelligence to take charge of his life.

5. Anger made Louis determined to feel capable and accomplished.

6. Anger pushed Louis to test himself and feel the pride of success.

7. Anger directed Louis to put himself through his paces, reaching new heights.

8. Anger allowed Louis to come back fighting, performing better and ever.

9. Anger took Louis from a sense of defeat and loss to triumph and gain.

10. Anger drove Louis to overcome the humiliation of being dumped and find multiple reasons to think and believe well of himself.

We have all seen athletes and opposing teams whether political or commercial ‘psyche’ themselves up with anger in order to ‘win.’ Louis’s case is an example of using anger to win the internal battles with yourself against your own blind spots.

You might also like  Five ways to use angry energy to empower yourself

things went south in the blink of an eye

An Accident Derails Max's Life

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his journey towards a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He was livid. The shock of the accident kept his rage at bay. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor's visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company for health benefits. A law suit conveyed his fury at the negligence of his employer for non-compliance with workplace safety codes.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

supportive fronds of love and care interfered with Max's anger

Cocooned in a Chrysalis Where Resentment Festers

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiance and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies come true

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn't respond to his fiance's eagerness to face the challenges ahead and adapt their plans for the future. Her encouraging comments felt like jabs, pushing him to get back on his feet before he was ready. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of his back injury, he anticipated the break up of their engagement. He goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him.

Max is Lonely and Isolated

Max's friends called, visited, and made arrangements to take him out. He couldn't bear to witness them getting ahead while he was standing still. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. Eventually the calls and visits dropped off, and Max became increasingly isolated.

Life Goes From Bad To Worse

Physicians and surgeons tried one thing after another to help heal the disc. They didn't know why he wasn't responding to state of the art surgery and rehabilitation. The insurance company refused to cover any more experimental treatments. Physical therapy offered little hope for improved mobility. The legal battle provided some compensation but no where near enough to cover medical bills, let alone living expenses.

Indignation and Outrage Erupt

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn't win bigger, his fiance who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The Power Of The Victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn't be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Anger and victim hood isn't the only choice

Transition To a New Life Was Treachery

Max wanted the world to stop at the precise moment before his fall. Responding to medications, surgeries and encouragements would be a betrayal of his prior life. Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn't want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. Transition to a new life was treachery. By keeping his prior existence on life support, Max sabotaged his chances of getting better. His physical pain and mobility problems became the symbols of the past he refused to let go of, and a future he refused to acknowledge.

Max has a choice. He can continue this death watch or he can begin the mourning process. Grief and mourning are the key to choosing vitality rather than victim hood. The first entryway to mourning is often anger. Rage has enormous energy and if aligned with the desire for life, it will act as a resurrecting force. Max has a right to be angry. Taking it out on his family and doctors is counterproductive. Harnessing the anger into a fighting spirit boosts his immune system, jump starts the healing process and encourages his loved ones to maintain their support.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after he was paralyzed by a horse riding accident. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using the force of his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people.

Max can't accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. He will need psychotherapy to help him through the grieving process while empowering him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss. He can also find a new calling – how exciting is that !!

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Why Can't Donna Have The Relationship She Craves?

Recently Donna has felt hopeless about her love life. She was resigned to being single and without children even though it was one of her cherished dreams. She wanted to believe that it could come true but was scared to pin her hopes on it. She kept her dreams safe in her fantasy world where reality couldn't spoil her image. She had relationships with men that were either friendships or sexual liaisons, but never both. She had never experienced the closeness and intimacy of a relationship that had it all.

Reckless Behavior Stuns Donna

At about this time Donna had been taken in by a gypsy in an upscale part of town and gave her $1000 to hear something hopeful about her future. A day or so later it dawned on her – the magnitude of what she had done! She was astounded that a wish to believe in her fantasy just for a moment could make her so reckless and give up her common sense and self-protection. She had given money to friends to help them out, but never just thrown such a large sum on a whim!

A Disturbing Dream Haunts Donna

A couple of months later Donna's next dream startled her. She hated theme parks but there she was in her dream at a fair ground theme park with a friend. She saw a gypsy who promised to tell her important things about her love life.

Donna's friend stayed and took notes, making her feel more comfortable. Donna put her hand on the table and asked the gypsy the cost of the experience. The gypsy said $200, but Donna wouldn't have it. She banged her hand on the table and demanded that the price be no higher than $100. The gypsy backed down as Donna's adamant voice ruled the moment. Two large buzzing things like insects were around her ears making loud noises drowning everything out. Then Donna blacked out. When Donna woke up she saw injection marks all over her arms and wondered what they were.

Donna likes things clean and orderly, so why a seedy dream?

In her waking life Donna never goes to theme parks and fairs. To her they are dirty, seedy and unhygienic places where the low life hang out. The location of the dream represents Donna's emotions that she hates to deal with. To her they are messy and best pushed out of sight. They just cause trouble!! But in her dream she finds out that she can take charge by forcing the gypsy to work on Donna's terms. This suggests that Donna is beginning to realize that she does have a say in how her emotions affect her. They don't have to wipe her out.

The friend in the dream who takes notes is probably the part of Donna who needs to monitor her rash, reckless and impulsive self that just gives herself away, gets robbed and is left with nothing but 'holes' – just like the injection marks on her arms at the end of her dream.

Donna gets a glimpse of her dark, messy side

The gypsy in her dream may be the part of Donna that just aches to make her wishes come true by magic. It is the part of Donna that doesn't want to have to do the work of getting to know someone in all ways and creating a relationship. She had split intimacy, friendship and sex in order to feel safe but ended up unsatisfied and dejected. The gypsy gives her injections as if they were the magic cure, but all she finds are holes.

The dream tells Donna to love her messy side

The message in Donna's dream is that she can survive the pain of the 'injections' which are probably her intense emotions. She doesn't have to black out. She does have a good caretaker part of her that she can rely on, like her friend in the dream. She is being guided to see that the buzzing noise that she hears when emotions get to her is survivable, and makes her strong. She can listen to all parts of herself without being hung out to dry. She can trust her instincts and allow herself a relationship that has it all. She doesn't have to safeguard her dream in a fantasy any more.

If Donna listen's to her dream her future looks brighter and more hopeful

The dream is saying that life and relationships have both the seedy and magical qualities. Donna's acceptance of this unifying reality will allow her to be ready to invite and respond to men who can give her the stability and security she yearns for. If she can accept all her qualities, good and bad, she will be able to share them with a man who will do the same. That's when the intimacy, sex and friendship will mesh together and give Donna peace. But she has to be willing to do the work!

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Why dream of destruction when everything is going so well?

Donna's next dream was really scary. She was watching herself get blown up and bits of her were flying all around. What a way to wake up? It came the night after she did some good work at a charity event and got a temp job that she liked. So why such a nightmare?

You remember Donna who's dream about letting her inner security guard be a little more forgiving? That dream came true when she allowed herself to experience being liked no matter what she looked like. Well this next dream was really showing her how her life was changing.

The dream is full of crashing and burning, but Donna stays peaceful

Donna dreamed that she was driving a plane that looked like a pod, in the dark. It had no wings. She had no idea where she was going. But she wasn't alarmed. Something told her she was going where she needed to go. She felt she could trust the journey. Her plane rose to the top of a hill. She drove the plane down the hill and saw a huge bi- plane crash on top of some orange metal pipes which were shaped in the form of an 'x'. She slammed on the brakes and her pod circled the crashed plane before landing.

Donna and the pod exploded. She watches herself explode. Bits of her jaw and teeth were flung away!

Donna rises from the ashes stronger, more trusting and true to herself

Donna's dream is about her personal journey of growth – full of fire, destruction but also rejuvenation. She came to a make or break point in her life where she needed to slow down and choose a healthy pathway. Her pod reaching the top of the hill was this critical moment. She circles the old parts of her represented by the bi-plane, giving it the last rights. She knows that her old self was the false or 'wrong' her, just as the Orange 'x' shaped pipes indicated. She watches the old false self explode. But she isn't upset.

She sees bits of her teeth and jaw scatter. Teeth and jaws are symbols of determination and will power. In the dream she is giving up her hold on the old ways of her life that brought her little happiness or peace. She doesn't need to die with the old stuff, but to get rid of all the old heavy junk that wasn't very useful. Now that she is rid of the burden of the old ways, she is free to be her real self.

The dream is helping her realize that the nice temp job and her good feelings at the charity are the new things in her life that she created because she dared to trust herself and go with her instincts. It is encouraging and validating.

The first signs of disease are often found in unhealthy gums, teeth and tongue. Problems in these areas indicate poor health. Donna's unhealthy teeth and jaw were ripped from her in this dream. She gets to let her strong permanent teeth come through and thrive in a mouth that is clean, and smells good. 

   Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Family gatherings bring on dermatitis

Sabrina woke up itching with red splotches all over her face, neck, chest and arms. Dermatitis was back, out of the blue. Frustrated with this itchy eczema she went to breakfast determined to be strong and in command when her parents threw questions at her about her health and career.

Will this family event be loving or hostile?

The weeks leading up to this holiday break with family were dotted with images of warmth, acceptance, encouragement and respectful interactions. Sabrina always hoped that her family gatherings would be just like the ones she had experienced at her friend’s home. Everyone talked openly and tolerated differences of opinion. The bonds in Nancy’s family were strong and survived heated arguments. Perhaps this time Sabrina’s family would match that ideal.

Anxiety about conflict makes Sabrina stressed out

As the family time drew nearer Sabrina found herself getting tense and preparing for the worst. Anxiety was creeping up as she imagined the demands and expectations in the disapproving way her father would look at her. She pictured her sister dumping all her problems out at the dinner table and looking to Sabrina to fix them. She heard her mother’s critical voice demeaning her dress code and unreliable free lance design business.

Eczema shocks Sabrina into self-discovery

Sabrina decided to by pass that scenario. She didn’t want to feel angry, upset, foolish or small. She put on her tried and trusted battle costume. The one that allowed her to focus her attention and concern on everyone else. That way she could avoid conflicts, protect herself from disappointment, make the family feel good and avoid getting stressed out. It was a sure fire way to succeed and be in full control.

Sabrina felt strong and ready to head off any battles before they decimated her sense of efficacy and pride in herself. The eczema outbreak shocked her, and that’s when she decided to discover more about herself and her dermatitis.

Dermatitis, personality, stress and emotions – how are these linked for Sabrina?

Studies have focused on the interplay between stress and personality factors that appear to be linked with sufferers of eczema and other forms of dermatitis.

People with eczema and other forms of dermatitis have a certain combination of factors that make them vulnerable to stress. They have difficulty regulating what the outside world throws at them, and use their bodies as a barrier against being overwhelmed with emotions that feel unmanageable. They like the idea of caring relationships but experience interpersonal interactions as conflictual and intrusive.

Here are the main research findings:

Dermatitis sufferers

1. get stressed out by job related failure and social conflicts

2. have anxious personalities that make it difficult to handle stress effectively ( Journal of Brain, Behavior and Immunity, 2008)

3. have strong needs for recognition and success

4. take pride in their own strength and vitality

5. are highly strung, and choose self-reliance over inter-dependency

6. tend to be impatient and irritable

7. are unable to relax easily

8. are often tense and restless

9. are sentimental but easily and often disappointed with other people and the world in general

10.view the demands of others as infringements and imposition on their lives

11. have a characteristic “armor plate defense.” Their bodies, especially skin becomes the barrier that prevents disappointing experiences from entering their psyches and creating emotional turmoil.

12.Are prone to alexithymia – difficulty expressing emotions in words.( Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 2007)

Building up her psychological skin helped the dermatitis disappear

The embarrassment of having eczema in such prominent places as her face and neck made Sabrina feel self-conscious, stressed and foolish. All the things she worked so hard to avoid. Her distress brought her into psychotherapy. She discovered that she had been sitting on a life time of bitter disappointment with her family that had never been processed. She learned that she hated having to be a certain way in order to be included in her family. Sabrina noticed that each time she forced herself to be what she thought her family expected, her eczema would return as if in protest. Sabrina found that in therapy she was accepted and honored for herself. She felt safe enough to acknowledge and express her emotions at a pace that she could tolerate. As she built up her psychological skin of resilience, the dermatitis faded. It had done it’s job and wasn’t needed anymore.

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photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!

Justin had his heart set on the new BMW sports car, but Bernice wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were other more important priorities like her business start up, the kids school fees and house repairs to consider.

Justin blew up. “ You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Costa Rica I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”

You just want to stack up points to use against me!

“ I’m sick of your whining. You have the money. You can buy whatever you want. I don’t know why you bother asking for my approval. You’re going to do what you want anyway. If I don’t agree I’m a spoiler, and boy do you punish me for it afterward! You make me pay for all the times you did things my way. You just do it to stack up points that you can beat me with when I don’t agree with you.” Bernice retaliated with fury to being manipulated.

Justin wanted his wife's permission, so he didn’t feel guilty

Justin was independently wealthy. The BMW wouldn’t hurt his financial portfolio, and he could take it as a business expense. But buying the car just because it was possible wasn’t satisfying to him. He was hungry for something much more valuable- permission to want things just for himself. That was the real prize. He was fed up with always having to justify it as worthwhile.

Justin was torn between feeling selfish and being a burden

Justin had been angry a long time. As far back as he could remember his mentally challenged younger brother Trevor got all the free passes at home. His father gave into Trevor’s tantrums to keep him quiet and manageable. His mother was torn between trying to anticipate Trevor’s moods and erratic behavior and keeping her marriage together. Justin was expected to be the good son who never needed nor wanted anything other than the basics.

Why was he always second best?

There was little room for him to have his childhood wishes without shame, guilt and a belief that his needs were illegitimate. That’s when the anger started. Why were his needs less important than Trevor’s.? Why was it wrong for him to want his mother’s approval and his father’s attention for being a normal healthy son? Why couldn’t he be spoiled just once?

Justin became furious when his carefully thought out plan failed

The injustice of his childhood kept the anger smoldering on a bed of hot coals that was constantly stoked up. Each time Bernice didn’t gush with enthusiasm and give him the green light to get what he wanted he relived the torment of his childhood. He got more and more furious that even when he didn’t have to compete with a needy brother, he still didn’t get his wishes accepted and nurtured. Justin made a deal with himself. If he let his wife have what she wanted even if he didn’t like it himself, then he would be entitled to expect the same from her.

Justin’s plan didn’t work. Bernice didn’t buy into his scheme. Justin’s rage grew fiercer and the relationship became a battle ground. Justin refused to give himself permission to enjoy things he could get for himself, and Bernice refused to be put in the role of the bad guy who spoiled his life.

How can Justin and his wife stop getting mad at each other?

How can Justin and Bernice stop the cycle of anger that interferes with their intimacy?

1.Justin needs to get clear on what his anger is really about. His anger is not about the car. It is about not knowing where he stands with Bernice and trying to figure it out.

2. Justin should share with Bernice his feelings of guilt, unworthiness and rage at never feeling secure enough to be able to legitimize his own wants and needs.

3. Bernice should try and hear it as part of Justin’s issue rather than take it personally and strike back. She can then share her hurt when he puts her in the role of judge and jury.

When Justin and Bernice feel and hear each others hurt, anger and frustration, they have begun to take a new journey together towards satisfying the hunger they both have to be seen as good, worthy and lovable people.

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