Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most?

Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?

Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?

Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?

Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger

Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip

Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair – for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger

• The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.
• Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.
• Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.

Take the anger quiz and discover your approach to anger

Koren is furious that her son is being unfairly picked on

As she drove to pick up nine year old Hector from school, Koren seethed with rage. She was confronted with a complaint that Hector was suspended from after school playground access for hitting another boy. Koren was mad at the playground supervisor for believing the other child rather than her son. She was furious that the supervisor allowed the incident to occur. She was angry that her son wasn’t allowed to defend himself.

Koren zooms into a tiny part of the picture and blinds her with rage

As she talked with her son about the incident later that night Koren learned that he had been provoked by name calling. In an effort to stop the taunting Hector had elbowed the other boy who then complained to the supervisor. It was outrageous that her son was suspended while the boy who started it all got off scott free. She comforted her son by showing solidarity, loyalty and her absolute determination to take a stand. She made sure he knew that she didn’t blame him. She told him that she was going to make to right this wrong on his behalf.

At an arranged meeting with the Principal of the school Koren heard once again that her son was at fault and that he needed help to learn how to play with other kids. It inflamed her like a red rag to a bull.

Koren feels personally attacked and fights to defend herself

“ My son was defending himself against a bully who was calling him names. Where was the supervisor? Why didn’t he see what was going on? If you people had been doing your job properly this would never have happened!” Koren said indignantly, laying the responsibility firmly in the school’s court.

“ This isn’t the first time Hector’s playground behavior has come to my attention. He has no idea how to socialize and I can’t take the risk of him hurting other students. You need to teach him how to behave or get him professional help,” the principal said, passing the ball right back to Koren.

“You’ve never liked my son. You’ve been complaining about him since he was in first grade. You’re always picking on him because he’s from a single parent family. I’ve taken it for long enough. I’m not going to sit by any longer and take your word for it. I insist that you bring in the other boy and get to the bottom of this!” Koren demanded.

Koren's childhood and adult rage unite to fight against injustice

Can you guess what the Principal and the Playground supervisor thought of Koren? They had ample evidence that she was irrational, a bit unstable and unable to have a reasonable discussion. They probably thought she was a weak single parent who couldn’t manage her son. By reacting with such righteous indignation Koren had created the exact impression she was most fearful of and wanted to avoid.

Koren began to have flash backs about her own school experiences. She relived the incident when she had been wrongly blamed for throwing a paper dart in English class. Her mother had been told she was insolent and defiant. Her mother never asked Koren to tell her side of the story. Her mother believed the teacher and Koren was shamed for letting the family down.

The same feelings of shame, humiliation and rage that Koren had felt at that time were washing over her now as she felt marginalized by Hector’s school Principal. As a child Koren couldn’t show or talk about her bitter disappointment and rage at not being championed. Koren was left unprotected, scapegoated and gagged.

Koren’s anger piled up. It grew and bubbled waiting for a chance to justifiably explode. As an adult she could speak her mind. As a parent she had even more right to defend her son. Now her anger burst out in full force. Once again her protestations were dismissed. Koren’s fierce insistence on being proved right fizzled into a sad and hopeless feeling. She became morose and sullen, wanting to keep her son from school rather than put herself through this ordeal again.

Koren was blind to the crucial differences between herself and her son

The problem was that Koren confused her own experiences as a child with that of her son’s. Hector had a mother who listened. He got heard, comforted and understood by his parent. He was able to process his feelings in a way that was validating and educational. Koren was blind to that crucial difference between herself and her son. When she attacked the Principal she was doing so from her personal place of being unprotected and silenced. Her son didn’t need her to defend him in that manner. Koren was defending her own undigested childhood anger via her son’s school experience.

The key to Koren's emotional health is to deal with her own stuff separately from her so Koren attacked the wrong person, at the wrong time for someone else's crime. She didn’t help herself as a parent, nor did she make life easier for her son at his school. But she has a chance to minimize the fall out. Here are some steps that Koren can take to begin to separate her stuff from her son’s stuff.

Give herself permission to air her bitter disappointment and rage on her own behalf.

• Write about it, talk to her son about her school experiences, share in parent support groups.
• Start a dialogue with her parents about her unfinished business with them.
• Ask herself what is the true stuff of her rage when her buttons are pushed.
• Getting the help and support of a psychotherapist to help her bridge the gap between her childhood feelings and those of a mother would be especially beneficial.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security level.

explosive anger can fill you with guilt and shame

Why on earth are we burdened with anger?

Why do we have to battle with anger all our lives? What is the point of having this emotion? Why can’t we do without it? We aren’t needing to kill predators to protect our lives or keep meager food rations for ourselves as we did millions of years ago. So what on earth does anger do for us in this day and age?

Want to stop being a doormat? Get Angry!

Anger continues to have a strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms.

Are you a resentful people pleaser like Carrie?

Carrie was a people pleaser. It made her feel deserving and worthy. She took pains to give her children what she never had. Anything she could do for them that her parents never did for her made her feel like a good mother. Responding to requests from family members to help out even when she was sick or exhausted was one more step toward being in their good books. That was the way to save up emotional dollars in the relationship bank accounts, that surely would yield high interest!

Fear and guilt destroy Carrie's right to a healthy identity

For years Carrie felt hurt and angry that she did so much for her loved ones but got so little back in return. When ever her anger bubbled over and she dared to think about herself, guilt and sadness covered it up. Expectations of her grew to unmanageable proportions. Her children, siblings, parents and husband harangued her when she couldn’t do as they asked. She felt more and more guilty and feared that she would deplete her reserves in the relationship account. So she ratcheted up her actions to do what they wanted, leaving herself empty and worn out.

changing your inner dialogue to value yourself stops explosive outbursts

Bursts of intense anger entitle Carrie to value herself

A demand from Carrie’s sister to drop everything and come fix her yard following storm damage changed everything. That one command triggered a massive reaction in Carrie’s body. It was as if her whole body was on fire. Her heart thumped like an industrial hammer and her voice took on an urgency that surpassed any alarm bell or siren. With clenched teeth giving her determination and trembling hands that wanted to strangle her sister, Carrie exploded!

“Fix your own yard. I’m not your servant! You never ask me how I am, or care about how I feel! You never offer to do anything for me. If you can’t call me and listen to me as I listen to you then don’t bother calling!” Carrie burst out with years of suppressed anger.

At around the same time, Carrie noticed that her 20 year old daughter was getting on her nerves. Miranda kept calling and wanting to be chauffeured from one place to the next. She wanted money for this that and everything, and expected it immediately. She insisted on an expensive apple computer for school, not to mention an iphone! Carrie’s anger spiraled into a powerful tornado of rage. A rage of self-protection. She refused to be spoken to like a puppy dog being made to perform tricks and shocked Miranda into speechlessness.

In the past Carrie would have tried to plead hardship, hoping to tug at Miranda’s heart strings and sense of fairness. It never worked, because Miranda knew all to well that her mother always gave in. All she needed to do was go through the motions of being thankful for a split second and she could get whatever she wanted pretty much on demand.

Anger motivates Carrie to protect herself

For Carrie the choice felt as stark as this ‘do as she says and keep your daughter close, or be selfish and lonely, guilty and regretful for the rest of your life.’ Faced with that conflict, Carrie always chose the former. Until now. As she was being ground into the dust with no sign of reprieve, her survival instinct kicked in. Her fury at not being able to withdraw the interest on her relationship bank accounts eventually allowed her to put her needs first. Resentment topped guilt and released her anger.

Research shows that anger is a motivator to establish closeness

Research reported in the Journal Hormones and Behavior, 2010 found that anger stimulates the left frontal lobe in the brain which is associated with a motivation to be close and connect. That is what Carrie wanted. She wanted to be close with her daughter but her conflict got in the way.

Anger propelled Carrie into surviving on a level playing field

Carrie was terrified of her angry outbursts and came to therapy. Working with me in therapy helped Carrie used her anger profitably. It fueled her into valuing herself, rather than waiting and hoping for her family to do so.

She got comfortable with saying “ I want, I need, I would like, I expect…..” Anger became Carrie’s source of power and strength in a positive way. She learned to put herself on the map with firmer boundaries so that family members couldn’t take advantage of her without any consequences.

Carrie’s anger motivated her to expect respect from others. Her anger gave her permission to tap into her true desires with a sense of pride and entitlement, not shame and guilt. Anger saved Carrie from having her identity and enjoyment in life crushed. It literally enabled her to survive in a strong, self-empowered manner. Just in case you think she became just like her family, Carrie retained her sensitivity towards them and relates on an equal footing!

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

Are You Having The Same Old Fight Over and Over Again?

Do you find yourself having the same fight with the same person in the same situations? May be it's your mother, your partner, your brother, or your child. Perhaps you hear complaints from your friends and colleagues about the constant conflict they experience with a particular member of their family.

It sounds tiring and unpleasant, something you would give your right arm to avoid. You promise yourself you will not rise to the bait. You practice counting to ten and vow not to sweat the small stuff. But before you know it, the fight is already in round three. Your heart is racing, a pulse is pounding in your head, and your stomach is churning with indignation as you try to position yourself to win.

It's usually a simple but loaded remark that ignites the flames. " I thought we were going to watch a DVD tonight." Kim challenged her husband as he got ready to go out for a night with the boys.

The Power Struggle Begins

Keith felt the noose tighten around his neck. The threat to his individuality and independence felt very ominous. He couldn't let her get away with it again. He was a grown man. Why should he let her whims and tantrums take away his manhood? Keith's hands and legs shook as he choked and sputtered to avoid being strangled. A high pitch desperate sound of outrage came out of his mouth as he struggled to regain power. 

"I work hard, bring home the money, clean the house when you are too tired, go shopping with you, entertain your boring family, and you won't let me have one night with my mates!"

Kim's heart rate accelerated from a trot to a clamoring gallop as the tag of selfishness and ungratefulness wound themselves around her. She attacked them with blades sharpened with accusations kept for just such a moment.

" You played baseball when I was really sick last year, you never have a good word to say to my mother when she visits, you never take me out with your friends, you told me that you hated me for taking away your freedom. That's what this is about. You don't want to be with me!"

Keith and Kim are experts at wounding each other. But why do they keep doing it?

Both Keith and Kim get a buzz from engaging with each other through conflict. No matter how uncomfortable they may feel during their fights, their cravings for the pay offs call the tune. Like any other addiction, it has to be fed and topped up with more conflict for the highs to be maintained.

What Are The Payoffs for Kim?

Kim wants to be the most important thing in Keith's life. She isn't sure that she can achieve and maintain that status. A sure fire way of getting the reassurance she needs is to create tension. That guarantees that every bit of him is focused on her. His vision, his thoughts, his gestures, and entire emotional self is filled with Kim. His body literally stops it's normal functioning and all his energy is directed her way. By picking a fight, she gets to own a hundred percent of him.

The prize comes with two bonuses.

• First she is pumped with power that comes with controlling Keith's emotions, his body and mind.
• Second she is free from those pesky jealousies and fears that plague her when she isn't playing her ownership cards. It's as if they are one person at the times of greatest conflict. What could top that as evidence that you are special?

What Are The Pay offs for Keith?

Keith wants to feel like a man, able to make his own decisions and act on them. He wishes he could castrate that wimpy part of him that is scared to take a stand. Fighting for his rights gets him in touch with his prowess. Asserting himself with Kim builds up his ego and kills off the wimp he hates. Why can't he just give himself permission to do what he wants? Like Kim he has pesky feelings that torture him with guilt. Worms like selfishness, greed and insensitivity crawl under his skin and paralyze him. Fighting with Kim on the other hand energizes him, builds up his sense of righteousness, and is guilt free. He gets to be the good guy. Why would he want to give such treasures up by stopping the fights?

When Kim and Keith no longer get their highs from fighting they can learn alternative ways of feeling powerful and special. Lets hope that time comes before the relationship collapses under the strain of conflict. 

Success Disappears So Quickly

Mimi was proud of the ten pounds she had lost on her new diet and exercise regimen. It was easy and enjoyable. A few days later Mimi was part of a decision making team at work. Arguments and insults flying around made her afraid of giving her opinion. Right then Mimi sensed something was missing. She grabbed a pillow and put in on her abdomen. What a relief! During that stressful moment Mimi missed the 'padding' that her fat had provided. The cushion blanketed the messy feeling. Driving home she felt demeaned and diminished. Why was it okay for her colleagues to vent, but leave no space for her views? Anger frothed up. Her rage felt like a ball of sharp nails ready to lacerate her insides causing a bloody hemorrhage.

She stopped at a store and bought a quart of chocolate ice- cream and a large bag of potato chips. That combination was the her most trusted and true numbing device. Those sharp nails became frozen with layers of reassuring and calming comfort food. No chance of any disgusting leaks of weakness. Keeping her cool was rewarded by yummy admiration and scrumptious respect.

The Bad News

Mimi's body weight represented both the burden of her undigested emotions and those she swallowed from others by choosing not to be assertive. Mimi believed that she kept her close relationships with friends and family by being an ever absorbing sponge for their awful feelings. They perceived her as tough and indestructible. Keeping it all in was a badge of honor. Emotional constipation was Mimi's sign of power and resilience. She dealt with overflowing gunky confused emotions by converting the trash into fat. That weight smothered her instincts to express her individuality. The heaviness paralyzed her so she couldn't take risks with being herself.

Her weight went up and stayed up despite her punishing splurge with personal fitness gurus, coaches, nutritionists and all the advice in the best diet books.

The good news

Eating anesthetized slimy feelings. The weight she carried acted as armor against feeling abused, taken advantage of, and dismissed. Her fat was the one part of her she could trust. Her fat camouflaged her need for love, support and acceptance. Life was a breeze when she didn't have to ask for those basic things and risk rejection and ridicule.

Yo-Yo weight games

Mimi was successful with diets when she felt strong and an equal player in the world. As soon as that fragile mood was threatened by words of conditional love, put downs, and a dismissal of her opinions Mimi felt naked and vulnerable. Food was the comforter and the weight she gained became a shield against the abuse. The thicker the armor the less chance there was of being destabilized and out of control. The armor plating was solid enough to deodorize the stench of her own chaotic and stinky feelings. The armor did such a good job that she couldn't distinguish between her own mess and that of others. It also bypassed her emotional thermostat so that she never knew when she couldn't take any more of other people's trash. Food was the best way of resetting the switch and lowering the temperature.

Mimi's quandary: Looking good or feeling strong?

Did she focus on feeling physically attractive by losing fat, or feeling emotionally strong and protected by keeping the fat? Either way, she had to abandon one part of herself – a no win situation.

Tips on Avoiding Mimi's Dilemma

•  Trust your first signs of anger as a signal to protect yourself.
• Re-cycle your angry energy into motivation to get heard and acknowledged.
•  Use the motivation to risk saying what you feel as you become aware of it.
•  Feel the validation of taking that risk rather than the weight of keeping it all in.
•  Build emotional strength from the validation.
•  Digest your experiences by owning only what is yours, and discarding the rest.
•  Ownership means responsibility for getting in touch with your needs and satisfying them. That takes courage and strength.
•  Re-write your dialogue from one of self-punishment to one of self-care.

These tasks are difficult to do alone. If you are stuck in the garbage all you see is mold and slime. It doesn't seem worth caring for. Friends and family are part of the problem and cannot help at the outset. It suits them to keep you firmly in the role of the ever accepting trash can. That way they can smell sweet while you reek. An objective professional such as a licensed psychotherapist can be helpful to get started on your journey.