Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Don't you just grit your teeth and want to tear your hair out with fury when your loved ones pretend they are not angry or upset, yet make snide remarks?

Don't you feel that they are trying to be better than you, by trying to be in full control of their anger, only to let it out in far more cruel ways?

Aren't you longing to get them to show their rage and be equally human with you?

If so then you want to have a more authentic and intimate relationship, which involves being open and upfront with your emotions, including anger.

Loved ones who use passive aggressiveness to handle their feelings are afraid of emotionally intimacy.

•   They would rather withdraw and poke you from afar so that they can shield themselves from the impact they have on you, and vice versa.
•   They prefer to take what they believe is the moral high ground, so that they can feel superior. Putting themselves on top is a way of avoiding emotional closeness.
•   They get a kick out of playing the martyr role and force you to become the abuser who is harming them.

Why live in a place of frustration? All it does is bring you stress and cause you to hate your loved ones. You have more fights and battles about who is the better person or who is the most honest.

You can't make a martyr change with your anger or revengefull thoughts. Nor can you compete with them for martyrdom!

What you can do is to make them look in the mirror and show them how they care more about:

• being superior than having a strong connection with you
• being safe behind the walls of martyrdom than taking the risk of learning how to be emotionally intimate and strong simultaneously
• seeing you as the monster so they can feel good about themselves.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

WHY SHOULD YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S STRESS?

1. STRESS MAKES KIDS SICK AS ADULTS

An article reported in Pediatr Adolesc Med, 2009, indicated that childhood stress that went unoticed and untreated resulted in chronic sickness when these children grew up.

A further study published in Neuropsychopharmacology, 2010 revealed that chronic stress resulting in unhappy chilhoods resulted in an elevated inflammatory response to adult stress, weakening the immune system.

2. STRESS MAKES KIDS ANXIOUS AND DEPRESSED WHEN THEY REACH ADULTHOOD

Children who experience long term stres in childhood are four times more likely to develop anxiety and depression in adulthood, according to a study published by the British Medical Journal in 2008, using a large sample of over 8000 participants.

A study reported in the American Journal of Psychiatry, 2014 found that preschool children with stress and depression was the most salient predictor of later school-age depression over and above any of the other well-established risk factors.

3. STRESS REDUCES CHILDREN'S MEMORY CAPACTIY

Childhood stress shrinks the Hippocampus, the memory center of the brain, as reported in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2009;

HOW TO RAISE YOUR AWARENESS OF YOUR CHILD'S STRESS

Many children hide their stress from parents so as not to be a burden. They want to be "good" so that you will value and love them, especially when they see you stressed out and struggling to juggle so much in your life.

BUT children don't have all the tools they need to manage that stress.

They don't often recognize it and can't put words to it

The consequences can be irreversible if parents don't pay attention to the subtle signs of stress in thier kids.

THREE WAYS TO HELP YOUR CHILD WITH STRESS : signs of stress in childhood

1. Notice their body language –  sagging chin and shoulders, droopy facial expressions, lethargy, fidgetyness, nail biting, hiding large parts of the body in clothes, hiding their face in their long hair are a few things to look out for. Change of eating habits is another sign of childhood stress – eating more, hiding food, eating less, hoarding food, eating more junk food, cravings, and loss of appetite.

2. Listen to the messages they are sending through their bodies and then invite them to share their worries and doubts using words. You have to start by showing that you notice something and give an example of how you might feel when you are stressed – that will make it okay for the child to follow suit without the guilt of adding to your burden. Listen to their pain – don't focus just on the issue or context in which they are describing their struggle.

3. Empathize by repeating what you heard in your own words, so that they know you got it. Don't try to fix it as that gives the impression that you just want everything to go away and not bother you. Be with them, hand in hand. If they ask for advice then you can offer some suggestions but make sure you follow up and maintain that empathic connection.

Putting stress into words and empathizing reduces stress by creating a sense of safety and connection.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

It's normal, healthy and appropriate to be furious when you discover that your partner cheated on you.

It's good that you get worked up and are full of indignation.

It's useful that your angry energy gives you so much adrenalin that you feel you can move mountains.

BUT DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR THE JUGULAR AND KILL OFF THE FOUNDATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS BEEN CRACKED

OR DO YOU WANT TO TAKE CHARGE, AND RE-CRAFT THE CONNECTION THAT YOU BELIEVED WAS RELIABLE AND STRONG?

Yes, I know – how could I suggest that you accept and forgive and pretend that nothing has happened?

I am not asking you to do that.

I am suggesting that infidelity is a sign that one person in the relationship wants to grow and expand and the other wants to keep things exactly the way they are.

When one partner sees the other ones need to have some life outside the terms of the original relationship parameters, having an affair is often the only way to crack that sealed box open and let it breathe.

If you are the one being cheated on, then you feel betrayed, and can't see why. Your natural instinct is to protect yourself and take revenge, punishing your partner by ending things or clamping down even harder on the rules.

BUT WHAT IF YOU REALIZED THAT CHEATING GOT YOUR ATTENTION lLIKE NOTHING ELSE DID – AND YOU DISCOVERED THAT YOU HAD NO IDEA THAT YOUR PARTNER NEEDED TO GROW AND DEVELOP RATHER THAN STAY MUMMIFIED IN A GLASS BOX THAT FELT GOOD TO YOU, BUT MUMMIFIED THEM?

Then you could benefit by implenting these three strategies below that help you to grow along with your partner.

You also benefit by keeping pace with your partner and preventing the need to communicate in such drastic ways,,  like having affairs.

You are no longer waiting to be victimized again.

Three ways to use your anger productively when your partner is unfaithful to save your relationship

• learn about all the signs that your partner was feeling trapped – which you previously were oblivious to.
• ask yourself what the benefits were to you of being blind – and was it worth the consequences now
• direct the anger towards creating a more flexible and airy relationship together with your partner

REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU TRY AND CLING ONTO A RELATIONSHIP WHERE GROWING AND CHANGING IS A FORM OF BETRAYAL THEN YOU ARE THE ONE CHEATING YOUR PARTNER OUT OF THEIR BIRTHRIGHT AND DOING THE SAME TO YOURSELF.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

FOUR FALSE PREMISES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY AND STRESSED.

1. You expect loved ones to read your mind.

When you are full of anger and rage that your loved ones don't treat you with respect or consideration, chances are you expect them to read your mind. You are sure that they know what's going on for you and deliberately ignore it, making you suffer.

That's what's make you angry and unloving.

2.  You believe that your loved ones know what you want and when you want it.

So you don't figure stuff out for yourself. You don't take the trouble to work out exactly what you want and why, leaving you in an unsettled place, angry that your loved one is not doing the job you assigned them.

So you blame them and push them away by spewing out all their faults.

3. You shouldn't have to feel the discomfort of sensing your needs.

When your loved ones don't instantly tune into your needs you get angry, because now you have to actually feel those needs and put them into words. But that is shameful, so you switch your focus to preparing a litany of their faults. Much more comfortable to see the evil in them than the shame of feeling needy in yourself.

So you start accusing them of all the wrongs they have ever done you and push them away even further from ever being able to see and meet your needs.

4. You believe that it's justified to punish your loved ones for not taking care of you even though you haven't told them what you want.

When you feel aggreived, you want to punish and feel strong by avenging yourself.

So you shut the door to all communication, give your loved ones the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. You are icy on the outside but smoulder on the inside.

5. You beleive that loved ones aren't human when they fail you.

When your loved ones fail to sense your needs and take care of your feelings before they become intolerable, you forget that what you really want it to feel close and connect – to be important and meaningful in their lives- intimate in an exclusive way.  Anger blinds you to your true purpose and all you want to do is to obliterate those who make you feel so insignificant.

So you use your anger to obliterate your humanity and that of your loved ones. You can't feel for them or yourself. Destruction is the only option.

NOW YOU CAN USE THESE FIVE WAYS TO COUNTER THAT ANGER AND TRANSFORM IT INTO LOVING CONNECTIONS

1. STOP EXPECTING YOUR LOVED ONES TO READ YOUR MIND

2. BE CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT FROM A LOVED ONE

3. SPELL OUT YOUR NEEDS, NOT THEIR FAULTS

4. FEEL STRONG BY OPENING DOORS OF COMMUNICATION, RATHER THAN POWERFUL BY PRESENTING THE COLD SHOULDER

5. REMEMBER THAT YOUR GOAL IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND CARED FOR – SO PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND MAKE IT HAPPEN. START GETTING A GLIMPSE OF WHERE THEY ARE AT AND THEN THEY WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you frustrated and angry that you seem to put on weight just by looking at high calorie foods, while others consume it as if there is no tomorrow and are as thin as reeds?

Then you may be under chronic stress that produces a biological marker called NPY that metabolizes your calories differently and makes you gain weight.

It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.

You have got so used to the stress that it probably doesn't register in the same way it would for someone having a new experience.

That's the problem. Your body then has to take over and try and protect you. Unfortunately it does it by making you store fat, and then you feel ashamed, guilty and even more of a failure.

Relationship insecurity and helplessness is the most potent source of chronic stress.

So watch this video and learn three ways in which you can become more aware of and master the stress so that you don't have to suffer weight gain.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Unable to sleep for the third night in a row, thirty-six-year-old Orrin, an investment analyst, got up and took his prescribed pain killers for his lower back pain and sciatica. The relief was temporary and he awoke from a drowsy state with intense throbbing pain down his right buttock, thigh and leg. His lower back pain made it difficult for him to get out of bed, so he used the cane he kept near him to push himself up. He was angry that the pain medications weren’t working, and even angrier that all the physical therapy and meditative exercises he performed regularly had little to no effect.

At work, using his ergonomic chair and work station, the pain persisted, and the stress gave him a nagging headache. When he missed the perfect moment to make a trade for one of his customers, he wasn’t aware of being angry and he just kept going, trying to compensate by working harder. As the journal Anesthesia & Analgesia, 2007 indicated, chronic pain not only makes you uncomfortable, but impairs memory and concentration

He hated the carefree attitude of many of his colleagues, believing that they were shortchanging their customers, and ultimately tarring him with the same brush. He nipped his rising anger in the bud and tried to outdo the performance he had achieved yesterday. But the stress of being mocked by the team elevated the pain in his lower back, and gave him stomach cramps. He was in agony, and took more pain medication that gave him little or no relief. He tried walking around to relieve the pressure on his sciatic nerve but he was so tense that it was a washout.

His thirty-eight-year-old wife Amy offered to massage his back. It felt both relieving and anxiety provoking. He recalled the times when he’d longed for his mother to soothe his headaches and stomach aches, his cuts and bruises and his fears and doubts – but she usually palmed him off with candy and/or video games. He remembered how angry he used to get, but he never showed it, terrified that if he did, she would retaliate with her rage. His mother’s rage was unpredictable and fierce. She would throw food around, hurt he dog and yell at Orrin just for being around! He had prided himself for not losing his cool as he grew up. But was it worth it?

Orrin grew to be afraid of his back pain and stomach cramps returning when the medications wore off, or when he went back to his stressful work environment. It was the same fear he had as a kid when he anticipated the pain that would come with his mother’s smacks and verbal abuse. Negative emotions interfere with the brain processing of actual pain, increasing the anticipating of pain, which in many cases makes it worse, as reported by Gastroenterology, 2011.

Later in the week as Orrin’s throbbing lower back pain prevented him from sitting in his office chair, he found himself welling up in tears.  Sadness enveloped him, making his pain feel even worse, as outlined in an article published in Biological Psychiatry, 2010 – which found that sadness disrupts some neurocircuit pathways in the brain that process pain.  Sadness and depression drive the pain, making it feel much more intolerable.

Despite the sadness, Orrin was very aware of his anger and didn’t ignore or re-label it as ‘just frustration.’  He was furious that the one thing that usually distracted him from the pain – his high pressured and fast paced work – was not possible. He swore and cussed under his breath, threw down his briefcase and went outside. Walking along a nearby nature trail he let out his anger. Sometimes it was by kicking a twig and other times by repetitively banging one rock on another, while swearing and cussing to the squawking crows around.

A couple of minutes later his pain had substantially subsided. He couldn’t understand it, but the relief was palpable. The Annals of Behavioral  Medicine 2013  published an article demonstrating that only Anger Awareness and Expression Training (AAET) was effective in promoting emotional processing and expression leading to less pain, particularly in headaches. The authors indicated that the paid reduction comes when swearing triggers the fight-or-flight response of stress, obliterating the link between fear of pain and the pain itself.

Having put his emotional pain into words by expressing his hurt and anger that he harbored over so many years, released his physical pain. The journal Emotion reported in 2007, that attempts to suppress anger amplifies all the irritating and uncomfortable aspects of pain perception. So by taking the muzzle off his anger reduced the sensitivity of the pain receptors and brought some respite.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Have you ever been annoyed and frustrated that everything you learned and practiced about managing your emotions failed you at the crucial moment?

It’s so disappointing when you have been to an anger management class, or spent time and money on CD’s, DVD’s and or coaches to help you master those intense feelings, only to find that you can’t access that learning when you need it the most.

That’s what happened to thirty-six-year-old Hugh a film distributor over and over again when he was out in public with his thirty-four-year old second wife June, a publicist. He was very much in love with June who was beautiful, smart and caring – so different to his first wife who only seemed interested in material things and never made him feel good as a person. Yet, at one of the many parties they attending, when June didn’t go to his side the minute he called her, he felt the blood rush to his head and an irritated voice coming out of him – getting angrier and angrier with each demand he made.

He ‘knew’ she was just mingling and playing the crowds, but something inside him overrode that information, and he became belligerent.

His stress levels were through the roof and he couldn’t just stand there and wait. He pulled her away from the people she was with, castigating her for not obeying him as she should. June was mortified and made him sleep on the sofa. She didn’t speak to him the next day, and Hugh was left ashamed and scared that he might lose this wonderful woman.

Aware of his quick temper when he didn’t get an immediate response from her, June encouraged her husband to attend anger management classes.

She also bought him the latest expert DVD’s on handling anger productively. Hugh wasn’t keen, but he knew he had to do something drastic to make sure his life and his relationship didn’t go south. He learned some useful strategies in his 12 week class, and thought he had it licked. He’d practiced the skills in class and rehearsed them when he was out on the road, but somehow the emotional aroused in him when he didn’t get June’s attention immediately, just overcame all his learning and hickjacked him. The anger burst out, even though a couple of minutes later, he apologized and said he ‘knew’ he should have given her a signal that he was feeling insecure.

Topping up the classes with the CD’s made Hugh feel like he got a second chance, and this time he was going to conquer his angry outbursts. But despite his perfectly learned signals, breathing exercises and words to say how he felt instead of exploding, the anger erupted, as if against his will.

Unbelievably anxious and frustrated that his genuine efforts at anger management were fruitless, he started to beat himself up

 He got very concerned that June’s patience would run out, leaving him alone and unhappy. Hugh tried to beat himself up into being a calmer guy around June, until he realized he needed professional help. He first tried a life coach and the personal touch made things a lot better. He got to call the coach when he thought he would explode and get taken to a safer emotional place. After nine months, he ended the contract, believing he was cured. One month later, he was devastated when that same old explosive anger reared its ugly head while he was shopping with June, and she didn’t respond to his pleas to hurry up. He flew off the handle and embarrassed them both.

 Disgusted with himself and angry as hell that all his learning and coaching hadn’t done the trick, Hugh went to therapy – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Now, finally he discovered the core beliefs that were being engaged when he blew up. He learned about the triggers that made him explode. And most of all he learned how punishing himself made things worse. He had a whole list of other ways to think that would prevent the anger from bursting out even though he knew it was inappropriate.

For the next six months Hugh was in seventh heaven. He was using his new found skills, and feeling successful. But one day he was upset when June said she was going on a two week business trip to promote a client’s book. Hugh got anxious. He knew there was no need to worry, but the stress got to him and all his skills flew out the window. He screamed at June for leaving him and accused her or not caring. He had gone ballistic.

Accessing his skills was like getting blood out of stone!

So why did the CD’s, the coaching and the Cognitive Behavioral therapy not have a lasting effect?

Because as reported in  Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, August 26, 2013, even the mildest amount of stress impairs the prefrontal cortex that tempers emotion with reason and judgment. All the techniques that Hugh learned in anger management class, the CD course and his Cognitive therapy were not able to withstand the effect that small amounts of stress can have on previously learned skills. Emotions win out, as the stress alters and or blocks the communication from the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala (the emotional center of the brain). So Hugh didn’t stand a chance.

Things finally shifted for Hugh when he started attending therapy that focused on the emotional experiences that made him insecure and stressed. He found that he had to return to the source of the upset that stressed that as a child he could only express through anger. In his therapy Hugh made the connection between his mother always leaving him to talk to others, forgetting him in stores, at the county fair and so on, and his intense anger. The connection he made wasn’t just insightful. He felt it in his sessions when he was secure that the therapist wouldn’t do likewise. That’s when the stress diminished, and he was able to truly feel June’s commitment to him. Before he ‘knew it.’ Now he ‘felt it.’ It made all the difference. He and June are now much more stable. When those old buttons get pushed, he can use all the skills he learned but apply them at a feeling level – so that his rational and emotional brains synchronize and make him behave as he wants.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Has your loved one told you that they want nothing more to do with you until you learn how to manage your anger?

Are you scared that you will lose your loved one for ever, be alone and miserable for the rest of your life?

Do you wish you could just cut out that angry part of you and then live happily ever after?

Then you must be feeling ashamed and even more angry that you can't get rid of that angry monster inside you. Angry at yourself you punish yourself in a masochistic way.

Watch this video and learn why you are so angry that other people make relationships with you conditional on you taming your anger!

Discover what it is that you want more than anything from your loved one that they aren't giving you – which infuriates you.

Then follow the strategy I give you to fill yourself up with good feelings so tha you can avoid the pain of feeling abandoned and unloved.

Try it before it gets to the stage where you are forced to come to therapy to deal with the anger that is costing you your dreams.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this video is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you believe your loved ones when they tell you that they love and want to be with you?  OR are you suspicious of their intentions when they invite you to hang out with them?

Are you constantly testing them out? Then you may have a deep sense of insecurity just like forty-year-old Mackenzie, a stock broker, who blew up into a rage whenever he thought that his long-time girlfriend Pauline was lying about her wish to marry him.

Out at a restaurant with thirty-nine-year-old beautician Pauline and their friends, he was upset that she seemed engrossed in a conversation with Mark about a basketball game. Feeling excluded and uninteresting to her, he got scared that she would soon leave him. The vision of Pauline abandoning him brought up intense anger. He goaded her all way home about her disinterest in him during the meal. No matter what reassurances Pauline offered, he was determined to make her admit that she didn’t care for him because he was so insecure in their relationship.

By the time they got inside their apartment Mackenzie was trembling with anger and fear.

“Why don’t you admit it?” he yelled, “You think I bring your mood down!”

No longer able to hold her tongue against these false accusations, Pauline snapped.

“You know what! You’re right, when you poke and prod me into not liking you, then yes, I don’t like being out with you because you have habit of destroying the nice time we had,” she yelled as she walked out, refusing to be baited anymore.

Mackenzie’s rage at being rejected and victimized made him feel even more insecure – alone, uncertain as to what would happen between him and Pauline and scared as to whether he would ever be wanted or loved again. He started texting her furiously to try to reconnect but Pauline didn’t respond. Each of his frantic texts got more desperate and insulting hoping to spark a response but all he got was a blank screen.

In several studies conducted with chronically insecure people, the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, (2009) found that the tendency to get angry and enraged got higher when the feelings of powerlessness and insecurity were at their strongest.

In addition, insecure people believe that their loved ones see them as insecure and likely to leave even when their loved ones do not judge them that way. The insecure individuals then became suspicious of their partner’s authenticity and damage the relationship.

Mackenzie fits the profile that the researchers described and lost out on a warm and nurturing relationship with Pauline. The anger that stemmed from his insecurity had previously ended a gentle and affectionate relationship with Mandy some three years ago. Two years before that his insecurity based anger had killed the friendship he had with a co-worker just as it was starting to move into a romantic phase.

Angry at himself for losing control and not being able to test Pauline out anymore, Mackenzie tried to meditate and calm himself down. He hoped it would prove to Pauline that he wasn’t a monster and that he could learn to be more secure. But she didn’t want to be put through his insecure tests again and left his life for good. His anger was still there as large as life despite his meditation exercises. So he gave it up.

Disgusted with himself for being so insecure and destructive, Mackenzie had a series of hypnotherapy sessions, hoping that his insecurity and anger could be eliminated from his being, washing him clean. It worked for three months; until Mackenzie got attached to a girl he met at a friend’s party. Within a month he started to feel those familiar pangs of insecurity when she wanted time to herself or was busy with something else. At their next meeting he was irritable, angry with her for not wanting to be with him, and the taunting and testing of her commitment started.

Shocked that he was still feeling angry and insecure so soon after the hypnotherapy, he decided to try psychotherapy. He hated having to do it with every bone in his body. He just wanted to get this annoying part of him out of the way and then everything would be fine. But what he discovered was that wishing it away just made it worse and then he was filled with self-loathing.

He started and stopped therapy over and over again for the first year, until he surrendered to the fact that he couldn’t change without understanding the roots and reasons for his insecurity – and he certainly couldn’t control his anger until he understood where it was coming from.

Reluctantly Mackenzie talked about his fears growing up when he saw his parents split and come together and split again. He was never secure in his mother’s love because she beat him when she was upset with his dad. Punished as a young boy Mackenzie dismissed the scars it left trying to be strong. But now the scars were throbbing and his rage at both his parents for creating so much insecurity in his life couldn’t be contained. As his therapy progressed and he felt more compassion for himself, letting out his anger at his parents, he was freed to build a relationship with a woman. He no longer had to sabotage his romantic relationships with his insecurity and anger.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You might also like:

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Rules about how to be secure in your relationship can end it!

Is anger the only way you can whip people into loving you?

Getting proof that your partner is commited to you

Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now that Maureen a divorced medical secretary had reached her fiftieth birthday, raised her children and had a chunk of disposable income she wanted to go on cruises with her friends. But each time she thought about booking her travel plans she felt sapped of energy. Her allergies played up and she lost the will to go through with her plan. Sometimes she got as far as buying theatre tickets, but a day or two before the show she would be swamped with work and too exhausted to use them.

Unable to have what she looked forward to, Maureen became anxious and stressed. Her allergies got worse and she had to stuff herself with Benadryl just to make it through the day. She worked hard for her money and now that she didn’t have dependent children or a boyfriend, she felt entitled to use it on herself. But she was either too busy or too sick to take advantage of her good position in life. After noticing that she continually missed out on her dreams, Maureen got angry and felt deprived. She felt as if life was taunting her with goodies and then snatching them away at the very moment she reached out for them.

On the odd occasion that she did go out with friends and enjoy a meal she was wracked with guilt.

She came home with a massive headache and drank herself to sleep while beating herself up for being so foolish with her money. She told herself she didn’t deserve her evening out, that it was just an indulgence and she ought to have used the money to buy her granddaughter ballet classes. Maureen’s self-castigating added to her stress and worsened her allergies. No matter how much Benadryl she took she couldn’t get out of bed and lay there depressed, feeling unworthy.

Research Evidence About Stress and Allergies

What Maureen didn’t realize was that antihistamines like Benadryl isn’t effective for stress that is long term or that peaks on particular days, according to researchers from Ohio University, 2008, and others, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2009.

A report in Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology,  2014 indicates that allergies are exacerbated by actual stress and perceived or anticipated stress, and recommends relaxing and doing fun things, meditating and deep breathing exercises to reduce stress in order to minimize its effect on allergies. But the troube is that stress caused by long term emotional problems don’t respond to these remedies.

Maureen’s source of stress was way back in her childhood

Growing up in a large family, Maureen had never felt seen and wanted. Shuttled from her parents to her grandparents and then aunts and uncles when it suited her carers, she longed to prove her value. She excelled in school and used her smarts to get jobs at the weekend to earn money and buy stuff for herself and family members. She didn’t want to feel like a burden, and enjoyed taking care of others. Basically she bought herself a place in their good books. That’s what made her feel good, and when she spent money on herself it didn’t give her that same sense of value and self-worth.

So Maureen filled most of her waking hours busy – as far away as possible from her feelings of not being wanted and loved for who she was. The long term stress that she endured wasn’t easy to manage. She read self-help books when she couldn’t sleep at nights. She bought meditation DVD’s and tried Yoga a few times before she felt guilty about working on herself and reverted back to her routine.

It wasn’t until she couldn’t shut out the fear of not being loved just for herself any longer that she came to therapy. Nothing distracted her from the palpitations and breathlessness that she experienced on waking up and during here working day. Physical checkups revealed no problems with her heart or lungs and Maureen was left with having to face the fears and the guilt about wanting to have a good time but believing that she didn’t deserve it in the eyes of her family.

In psychotherapy we worked on Maureen’s terror of being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and anger about her childhood. Putting words to them and feeling them in the presence of someone who understood her dilemmas gave her permission to value herself for who she was and not just for how well she took care of others at work or in her family. Gradually her stress levels abated and her allergies subsided. She is now able to handle yoga and meditation without the terror that her suppressed feelings would overwhelm her if her mind was at rest.

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Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.