Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Needing Approval

Preparing for her younger sister's visit put some pep into Shelly's steps. She recalled Natalie's last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Shelly feel warm inside. She wanted to show Natalie the home she and Devon had made together. She wanted her sister to recognize her determination to make something of herself as she made her way through Acupuncture school. She wanted her sister's approval. Shelly wanted to play the generous host. She also expected something in return.

Her buttons were pushed, but she never said a word.

Natalie left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, and went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Natalie treated Shelly''s place as a free hotel, with a maid thrown in!

Natalie took the hospitality for granted, and Shelly saw red. How could Natalie be so blind, insensitive and callous? Couldn't she tell how much she was hurting Shelly? Didn't Natalie know how much Shelly had put her life on hold to organize the visit? Wasn't it obvious how much money she had to borrow from Devon, and all the activities with friends and colleagues she had turned down? Shelly couldn't get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Anger Explodes on the Wrong Person

After Natalie left, Shelly sniped at Devon just for breathing! All the things she had wanted to tell Natalie, she said to Devon. " Wash the dishes before bed!" she commanded. "You can do your own laundry, I'm busy," she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. " I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week," she vented at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Devon.

Four steps to managing Shelly's anger

1. Self-honesty

Shelly needs to be honest and clear with herself about what she expects for her troubles. A conscious awareness of what her hidden agenda is, means that she communicate her needs clearly, avoiding future hurt and anger when she isn't recognized.

This preventive first step reduces the triggers for anger,by putting Shelly more in control.

2. Communicate her Expectations

Once Shelly knows what you expect in return for her generosity, she should  spell it out to the those who receive her largesse.

Putting it out there means there are no misunderstandings. That is preventive step number two. Shelly are reducing the risk of being disappointed, used and abused.

3. Don't expect grown up behavior from someone Shelly treats like a child

Allowing someone to get away with insensitive and abusive behavior means Shelly gives out a huge message that they are too infantile to be expected to be equal players in the game. Shelly is giving them permission to act in a totally selfish way. To avoid getting angry when they do so means taking preventive step number three – speak up when they violate your personal boundaries, rules and space.

Shelly shouldn't be a doormat! Waiting for someone to see and treat her like an equal human being, means she has to have feet firmly planted on the ground, that can take her where she needs to go and help her be a player rather than a place for others to wipe their feet.

4. Express her feelings as they come up

As soon as she feels that gut wrenching anger rise,  she should get in touch with it and use it as a sign that she needs to stick up for herself and be an equal.

Shelly should speak her feelings as clearly as she can. It helps the other person know what she is feeling and why, so they can adapt right away.

Shelly should avoid stuffing her anger because she thinks it will cause bad feeling. Wouldn't she rather know how to please someone and do it right, rather than have long term resentment and explosive anger that ruins relationships for ever?

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

MORDI HAS HAD ENOUGH!

Dinner was over. Now came the awkward time. Making small talk, being effusive with praise for the hosts, and having to be entertaining for the crowd. Mordi hated it. He also hated to watch his wife sing songs and play the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn't be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group.

IMPATIENCE AND FRUSTRATION FUEL THE ANGER

Mordi inspected every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked at his wife engrossed in the choral group. He felt excluded, forgotten and invisible. Mordi made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave. Long sighs, and pacing up and down, Mordi's discomfort and annoyance was evident to everyone.

MORDI GIVES AN ULTIMATUM

"One more song" his wife pleaded. Mordi was inflamed. Who was more important to Lola, her friends or her husband? That was the burning question that pushed and prodded at his hot buttons. He threatened to leave without her if she didn't chose him there and then!

Embarrassed, Lola excused herself and left with Mordi. On the way home she asked

" Why do you always have to spoil my fun?"

 "You promised we would go when I gave you the signal. You broke your promise. You made me mad. It's your fault." Mordi blamed him wife.

WHAT IS MORDI'S ANGER ABOUT?

Getting Lola's full attention is desperately important for Mordi to feel worthwhile. If he doesn't feel worthwhile he gets agitated. The agitation grows into extreme distress, and he has to do something to get Lola to see how much he needs her to make him feel better. He has to protest her absence in such a way that she will realize how crucial it is that she return her entire focus on him. The only way Mordi could do that was to create a scene, embarrassing Lola so she would withdraw from her group and return to him.

Even if Lola protests in return – even if Lola isn't pleasant with him – he still succeeded in pulling her away from the group, and has retrieved her all for himself. An absolute necessity for managing his internal turmoil.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR MORDI TO GET SO ANGRY

Mordi's anger comes from a very basic human fear – that of not existing. When Lola ignores him by choosing other people, Mordi feels as if he has ceased to exist for her. Imagine how scary it is to feel wiped out, insignificant and lost. The sense of helplessness is monumental. Anger is his only way of building himself up, feeling alive, experiencing power and strength. It worked! His ultimatum was successful. His wife left her group and gave him her whole being.

MANAGING HIS ANGER

Mordi's anger is his antidote to fear and helplessness. So managing it involves developing a personal sense of power and strength that stays with him regardless of Lola's focus of attention.

A. EXPRESS NEEDS PRIOR TO EVENT

Sharing and negotiating his wishes before they go out into company will be the first step in exerting his sense of power.

1. It will make Lola more inclined to follow through

2. It will eliminate the need for the angry protest

3. It will calm the part of Mordi that is scared of being invisible

B. FILL UP WITH LOLA'S ATTENTION BEFORE THE EVENT

One reason why Mordi's feels bereft of Lola's attention when they are out in company is that he doesn't fill himself up before hand. Hungry bears growl and get mad. That's what happens to Mordi when he sees Lola take her attention away from him. Mordi can

1. Do joint activities with Lola before they go out with friends

2. Share affection, talk to and about one another – get the attention that fills the hole.

3. If the anger still comes up, Mordi should recall those moments before when they shared activities, affection and loving talk. He can bring her back to him in that way, so as to manage the anger.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Teenage Son Makes Mother Furious

Josephine's heart sank. Yesterday morning her son had thanked her for the ride to school. Now that flash of gratitude and respect she received seemed like a mirage. Her hopes were dashed when she heard his abusive voice demanding a new cell phone after she had just bought him skiing lessons and the necessary equipment. Disappointment turned to rage as Josephine realized that her sixteen year old son Morgan had successfully manipulated her. He was intimately acquainted with her weak spot, and went for it with impunity.

Mother Left The Door Open and Got Robbed

For a brief moment Josephine had allowed herself to believe that all the talks and explanations she had given her sixteen year old son were paying off. Her hard work on setting limits was bearing fruit. It had taken her a long time to say "no" and stick to her guns. Now it all seemed worthwhile. Morgan had changed. Her wish came true and she dared to believe it was going to last. That's when she left the door open, and got robbed.

Seduced by his politeness, Josephine asked if he'd like to have friends over for his favorite dinner. He saw the green light and lurched forward insisting on a new cell phone.

Mother Wants To Give Up

Frustrated and angry that her efforts had not brought lasting results, Josephine didn't want to bother to try anymore. It was exhausting. It seemed as if it would take forever to get Morgan to change on a permanent basis. She felt like a bad mother who had failed her son.

How Did Josephine Get Into This Mess?

Morgan had always been a demanding kid. He created an almighty fuss if he didn't get his way. She reasoned with him, cajoled him, bribed him and made deals with him. He paid lip service to her pleas and conditions. Josephine got more and more desperate.Her friends and family threw their hands up in horror leaving her alone with this greedy insatiable monster. Josephine felt vulnerable and fearful of how her son might show her up next. Her fear was so great that she was blind to the fact that she was feeding the monster. Inadvertently Josephine made him grow larger and more powerful. The larger he got the more hungry he became. Josephine was trapped in a vicious cycle of shame, appeasement and guilt.

Morgan's outbursts were like a million spotlights all beaming down on her, showing the world how badly she had failed. It was so shameful that Josephine had given into Morgan most of the time. It pacified him for a while, and took her off the hook. This business of one step forward and two steps backwards was too unrewarding a prospect to have to live through for goodness knows how long. Better to just swallow Morgan's attitude of entitlement and get some instant peace.

Why did Josephine Let Her Guard Down?

Josephine was relieved and joyful that Morgan was acting like a well brought up thoughtful son, making her look good and feel good. She wanted to reward him. In that soft place she took her eye off the ball, didn't protect herself and got taken advantage of. She made the mistake of believing that one instance of politeness meant her son had turned into an angel.

Josephine's joy cut her off from the memories of anger, fear and dread she felt whenever her son acted in a selfish manner. She forgot all those millions of times he had tortured her with his tongue lashes and shamed her in public. She lost touch with those innumerable episodes of feeling like his puppet just to get a minute of peace. Disconnected from those memories meant that she didn't anticipate danger, and allowed the Trojan horse to enter her unguarded sanctuary.

Josephine's Wires Got Disconnected

When Josephine rewarded Morgan spontaneously, her emotional brain acted unilaterally. It didn't stop to consult with her logical and rational brain. The wires were cut and she suffered the consequences.

1.She didn't give herself the opportunity to consider her motivation for making an extra offer to her son when she had already given him so much in the last few days.

2.That robbed her of a chance to predict the outcome given what she already knew about her son.

3.It also deprived her of the room she needed to reflect on whether she needed to spend more time and energy to 'buy' her son's responsible behavior.

How Can Josephine Be a Good Parent and Enjoy it?

A.Josephine's most important job is to take care of herself. She must make herself a priority.

• Giving herself good things instead of buying her son's obedience will send a message of self-worth that can't be trampled on.

• Increased self-esteem will elicit respectful encounters with her son. Morgan will not be able to manipulate her so easily because she has beefed up that once weak spot. She will send a message loud and clear that she deserves to be loved and cared for because she is a caring parent, not because she gives into his increasingly outrageous demands.

B. Josephine's second task is to set up a conference call with all parts of herself so she gets the maximum benefit of her brain power.

• That includes her intelligence, her fears, doubts, hopes, logic and predictive skills. All her bases will be covered.

• Instead of being hijacked by 'feel good' moments, she will act from a place that uses past experiences to protect her, and future expectations that guide her in a measured way. With practice Joseph solid and available at all times.

• Being consistent and saying "no" will seem like a piece of cake.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Kodi put his legs up and switched on the television. Checking out of his life by jumping into a hilarious reality show was just what the doctor ordered. Two minutes later Cianna sat by him and asked how he fared in his Engineering seminar.

" It was fine." Kodi replied to shut it down.

" Did you ask about working on the new software programs for the hospital ?" Cianna said trying to engage her partner.

Kodi is enraged by his wife's questions

" Why are you checking up on me? You must think I'm an idiot! You just don't believe I can handle this do you?" Kodi responded, irritated and upset at her insinuations.

" You never tell me anything unless I pry it out of you. I want to know what goes on in your life, because I'm your partner." Cianna reacted with indignation.

" You treat me like a child, always asking me if I did something or how I did it. I don't have to be accountable to you. You're not my mother!" Kodi roared as he tried to retain a modicum of ownership over his own life.

Cianna feels shut out and deprived

Each time Kodi denied access to his thoughts and feeling Cianna felt another nail being hammered into the coffin of their marriage. She wanted to know when he was upset so she could comfort him. She needed to discover what he longed for so she could satisfy his desires. It was vital that she knew what was bothering him so she could help solve his problems. If she could make him happy then she could be secure in the relationship.

Hope that she would ever be privy to his inner world wore thin. She experienced the same dismay that flooded her when she had tried and failed to get inside her father's head. Her desperate need to know was met with an inscrutable demeanor. She was repeatedly deprived of ever reaching the promised land. Now she was faced with a husband who did the same thing, only more forcefully. Heartbroken and hopeless, Cianna wondered whether it was all worth it.

Kodi feels spied upon and judged

Cianna's questions reached Kodi like unwelcome intrusions. He wasn't in the mood to answer and didn't see why he should justify his actions or prove that he was making the right moves. Her questions felt like the critical judgements his mother used to greet him with when he came home from school. She always expected him to make the wrong decision, to act selfishly, to fail at everything and above all to let her down.

Good Intentions are Interpreted as Evil Motives

Kodi was primed to hear judgement, put downs and a lack of belief in his good intentions or ability to carry them out. Kodi became so good at anticipating a blow that he made pre-emptive strikes, taking out the good in case it was bad! Cianna's enquiries pulled the trigger the switch and he fired the shot.

Cianna was primed to knock loudly on the door of her loved one's mind and be ignored. Years of having the door shut in her face made Cianna read Kodi's protective shield as a stubborn refusal to let her share his experiences. Years of being put down made Kodi read Cianna's questions as implied criticism. They fell into the trap of making one of the biggest mistakes in couple communication. Both heard what they expected, not what was actually said or the intent behind it. Both imposed a malevolent outcome on a benign reality. They risk growing apart and missing out on mutual comfort and support.

But I've Tried Everything!

Kodi and Cianna came to couples therapy to save their marriage. We discussed the difference between hearing and listening. Kodi claimed that he listened intently. He insisted that Cianna meant to find fault and make him feel bad. He was adamant he had begged, asked nicely and demanded to be respected, without being heard. Cianna was positive that she listened and heard with exquisite accuracy. She knew all too well that the doors to Kodi's mind were sealed shut. She had tried banging, knocking politely and prying the lock open to no avail.

The solution – rely on the evidence rather than their internal history books

I invited Kodi to tune into Cianna's tone of voice, facial expression and body posture when she addressed him. He discovered that it didn't match the critical voice screaming inside his head. Cianna was invited to express an interest in Kodi's thoughts and let him decide when and how he chose to share them. They were astonished at the results. The trick was to rely less on their internal history books and more on the evidence of the moment. Kodi now feels like sharing and Cianna enjoys accepting his invitations. Cianna is reassured about the fact that she does have a place inside Kodi's head, and tries not to infiltrate his space.

There are times when Kodi feels the threat of put downs and raises his guard. Cianna relives moments when she feels banished from her husband's heart. But they are more likely to check out their experiences of one another rather than assume the intent was evil. Now that they have alternative sources of evidence to consult, they are much more likely to smell the rose without fearing the prick of the thorn in their partner's response.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Mean I can Have What I Want?

Fabienne drooled over that gorgeous pair of shoes in the store window. Just for once she wanted to indulge herself by splurging on something personal that wasn't an absolute necessity. She had spoken to Larry about it and he gave her the go ahead. This weekend she was going to treat herself without doubts or guilt.

Saturday morning Larry twisted the knife. " I really need to go to that conference next weekend. Networking with the contacts will help launch my business. It's been so tough lately to market my ideas. This is a once in a life time opportunity. I need to reserve a place by Monday, but I don't have the cash. My credit card is maxed out. If I don't go to the conference all my efforts so far will be wasted. I might as well call it a day."

Emotional Blackmail

Fabienne's heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat.

" What! YOU agreed that I could have them. YOU told me to buy the shoes this weekend.. YOU said it was fine with you! Now, just before I go out to get them you throw me this line! You really know how to put me on the spot!" blasted Fabienne who reeled with outrage.

" Do you want me to fail?" Larry continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Larry Engaging in Blackmail?

When Larry initially encouraged Fabienne to buy the shoes, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. As the time came for Fabienne to spend money on herself, Larry was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Fabienne was going to get what she wanted and he wasn't. He was desperate to 'get' something too. But there was only one money pot from which to feed. He couldn't come out and ask for the money because that would seem selfish. Touching a nerve that sparked guilt in Fabienne meant that he could get her to feel selfish and turn over the money. She would give and he could take without feeling bad about it.

Fabienne is left hanging

Should Fabienne Give into the Blackmail?

It had been so wonderful to get Larry's permission to get those designer shoes. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Larry put her in a catch-22 situation. If she bought the shoes she would feel guilty and never wear the shoes with joy. She would never hear the end of it every time he saw the shoes in her closet. If she gave into Larry, he would get the upper hand and try this tactic again. She would resent him and want to take revenge.

Why Does It Have To Be Either Larry or Fabienne?

When Larry saw his wife having something enjoyable he felt left out and deprived. It was just like the times his father would eat all of his mother's home made pizza so that there was none left for him. It triggered the spot when his mother stopped reading bedtime stories to her son, giving precedence to the greedy demands of her husband. It was either Larry or his Dad, and more often than not it was Dad.

Regaining Control Was The Name of The Game

Larry grew up envious, feeling like a 'have not,' and it bothered him. He never figured out why his father always got priority over him. As an adult he was determined to get what he deserved, and make up for all the times he didn't get his fair share.

He managed his fury by using emotional blackmail. It gave him control in an acceptable way. It was as if he was getting that pizza and mother's attention without having to fight his dad for it.

Why Does Fabienne allow the Emotional Blackmail?

It was hard for Fabienne to feel deserving of nice things that weren't essential for her survival. She needed a good reason to justify the purchase of anything other than the basics of life. As a child, if she wanted a new book her mother would talk about her younger sister needing medication for her asthma. Fabienne grew up feeling selfish just for wanting something of her own.

Without permission and encouragement Fabienne never treated herself to anything she wanted. Larry's consent to get the shoes was the green light she needed to get those shoes. When he put the guilt trip on her, she relived those moments when her mother made her feel bad for apparently depriving her sick sister. Larry hooked her in that place. That made the emotional blackmail succeed, and he knew it.

Challenging the Blackmail

Fabienne and Larry are both caught in the invidious place that there are only enough goodies for one and that the 'neediest' one claims it. A weekly meeting putting their joint assets on the table and then sharing their needs and desires can create the foundation for a partnership where they agree on mutual priorities, and allocate the resources accordingly. When they see that they are both wanting and giving, not grabbing and depriving, they will find compromises that feel less painful. Making agreements together that fulfill needs in both of them mean that they both become 'haves' instead of 'have nots.'

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Does Tom really want Roxy or is he being polite?

Watching Tom rapt in conversation with their guests made Roxy feel left out and unimportant. Almost as if he heard her wish, Tom asked her for her opinion of the movie they were all talking about. She could hardly speak. She didn't want to be brought in out of pity or courtesy. She wanted Tom to feel her absence and truly desire her opinion, not just act politely.

Tom had tried to invite her into the conversation and if she chose not to join, he assumed she didn't really want to. He wasn't going to second guess her motives.

Roxy wants to be the important one

The only trouble was that Roxie did want him to take another stab at  reading her with her help. She didn't want to be just one voice among many but the center of Tom's attention.

"Why were you so quiet tonight? I know you have a lot to say about the movie. What happened?" Tom enquired.

" I saw you guys yapping away. It didn't seem like you needed my opinion. So I didn't bother" replied Roxy in a defeated tone.

" Why can't you be part of the discussion? Does it have to be you or them? We would have loved to hear from you!" Tom hit back.

"I don't feel like you take me seriously when there are other people around. It feels like I don't have your full attention because you respond to the others more than to me." Roxy bared her soul.

"Tomorrow I'm all yours Roxy. We can do anything you want. Just you and me," consoled Tom.

The tables are turned

The next day Tom followed Roxy's agenda. But 't there. Now it was his turn to feel left out and useless.

How come Roxy ignores Tom when she's got his attention?

When Tom is with her Roxy doesn't have to share him with anyone else. She doesn't have to fight to get the top spot in his focus. She can sip and dip at the bowl of his attention when ever it pleases her. The security of knowing that his attention is fully on her, means she is free to get on with her life.

Having carved out a whole day for Roxy and put everything else aside, Tom was angry and resentful that he wasn't the top priority in Roxy's mind. What was the point of trying to please her if this was the result?

What's going on with Roxy?

If Tom is thinking about something else or with others Roxy feels thrown out in an ocean without a life jacket. So she has to put all her energies into her end game, reclaiming her spot in his mind.

What's going on with Tom?

He holds Roxy in his heart and mind no matter what he is doing. It makes him sad that he has to get off the world in order to make Roxy feel his love.

Connection and security can go together

Tom can help Roxy feel more secure during her vulnerable moments with these simple gestures:

1. Put his arm around her when they are in company.

2. Smile at her and squeeze her hand when they are amongst others.

3. Tell everyone else that Roxy has great ideas and then invite her to speak.

Roxy can connect with Tom when she is feeling safe and secure using these strategies:

1. Acknowledge that he is around and talk to him about what she is thinking and feeling.

2. Ask him to tell her about what he is thinking and feeling.

3. Do an activity with him involving both their ideas and preferences.

Following these steps will help both Tom and Roxy feel closer and more connected irrespective of whether they are in the same place or their minds are focused on other things.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Lynn's Tantrum Embarrasses Vicky

The whining started again. What did Lynn want this time? Vicky hadn't long since got him settled with his toys after his swimming lesson. But he couldn't keep himself occupied for more than a few minutes. Vicky took her 7 year old son to the park hoping to get some peace from his constant cranky demands. A bit of time to herself would be so wonderful. Lynn soon got tired of the swings and slides. His mother gave him his favorite snack, carefully prepared for their picnic, but he yelled for an ice-cream as he heard the musical van stop by. The harder she tried to entice him with the snack the worse his tantrum became.

Vicky Feels Like A Monster

Vicky was acutely embarrassed in front of other mothers in the park. The only thing she wanted to do was shut him up and look good. She lashed out loud and forcefully, " shut up, did you hear me? Shut up or I'll take your game boy away and there will be no ice-cream for a week." She pulled him by the arm as he screamed and cried, threw him into the car and ignored his howls of protest. The other mothers and nannies must have thought she was a monster.

Vicky's Guilt Makes Her Want To Be the Fairy Godmother

Lynn's uncontrollable sobs felt like accusations. Vicky translated the crying into " you're mean and cruel, you're a bad mother, he will tell his father and his father will take his side." Then came the guilt. It came in torrents. She couldn't get home fast enough, cuddle her son, kiss him to death and give him whatever he wanted. She apologized, vowing never to upset him like that again. The monster begged for forgiveness, desperate to be to turned into a fairy godmother.

The Tale Telling Brings Anger and Shame

The whirring of the garage door opening and shutting caught Lynn's attention. "Daddy, daddy, daddy!" he announced running to grab his father around the legs. Kyle greeted his son as Vicky finished setting the dinner table. " Mommy was so mean to me, she pulled my arm, look see the mark. She's always yelling at me!" Kyle consoled his son and promised to 'talk to mommy.'

Vicky Is Cast As The Wicked Witch

Vicky was near ready to burst. How dare her husband take Lynn's side? He should try taking care of their ungrateful son. Kyle had no idea what she went through, yet he was so ready to cast her as the wicked witch. She tried to put things in perspective to ward off her husband's criticisms. " He was fine a minute ago. He was watching television and having fun, until you got home, then he got his big crocodile tears out, because he knows you fall for it." Vicky complained as she began her defense.

" You are making Lynn sad and unhappy. Why can't you be kinder to him? He's only a child!" Kyle scolded as he poured himself a drink.

Vicky Remembers Being Humiliated By Her Parents

" If you are such a saint, you deal with him!" Vicky said. She got in her car and drove aimlessly, tears streaming down her face. Scenes of her own childhood came in and out of focus, like the time when her father screamed at her for wanting a dress like her sister's, humiliating her into silence. She remembered the time when she had been eying the last peach in the fruit bowl, salivating at the thought of eating it that night after dinner, only to watch her mother take it and give it to her dad.

Vicky Realizes She Envies Her Son

Driving along in a state of utter despair, Vicky realized that she resented her son. She was actually jealous of him. Why did he get so much, and why had she got so little? Why did she have to fight for attention, while her son got it just for being her child?

As a mother Vicky wants to do the right things and give her son the kind of life she never had. She wants to be the parent to her son that she dreamed of having herself. Usually Vicky is a good, responsible mother. But when Lynn isn't satisfied with her thoughtful sacrifices he turns into her ungrateful father, getting all the good stuff, and she becomes the envious child wanting to spoil his fun.

Developing a Generous Spirit

Vicky's envy gets in the way of her fulfilling her role as a good mother. Unresolved jealousy prevents her from joining her husband as part of a unified child rearing team. She can address these obstacles by being kind to herself. It is a foreign concept because she has so little experience of receiving it. She may confuse it with selfishness. As it becomes easier, the guilt will lessen. Vicky's gift to herself will enable her to be more tolerant both of herself and her son. The pain of her childhood will subside, as a new spirit of generosity cements the family bonds.

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Barry Erases Valerie Again

Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.

Nothing Valerie Says Counts

" I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won't have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing." Barry commented as he got ready for bed.

" I've been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth." Valerie huffed getting under the covers.

" It's not true. You are just hypersensitive," snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.

Valerie Lets Barry Have it

Valerie pushed Barry's hand away and let him have it. "You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing."

"You are making a big deal out of nothing! What's got into you? Are your hormones playing up?" Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.

" I don't know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don't take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?" Valerie pleaded.

The Marital G.P.S. Gets Hit By A Brown Out

Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone in their own kingdoms, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.

Valerie and Barry Are Both Scared

Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.

Valerie's Opinions Feel Threatening to Barry

Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the first step along the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.

Barry Choices For Reconnecting with Valerie

Torn apart and distant Valerie and Barry feel lonely, and misunderstood. Each has a choice. Barry can sit on his throne, waiting for Valerie to come around, apologize, make up and feel victorious. Or he can choose to broaden the vista through which he looks at his marriage. He can chose to be curious and talk to her about her feelings. He can take a step toward reconnecting with her by understanding his part in contributing to Valerie's sense of devaluation. He can talk to her about how devalued he feels when he is cast off from her kingdom.

Valerie's Menu For Creating an Equal Partnership

Valerie also has a choice. She can wait for Barry to get so scared of being without her that he comes crawling with false apologies. She may feel vindicated at that moment, but it does nothing to ensure that this problem is solved. Alternatively Valerie can put on a cloak of empathy for Barry's sense of insecurity. She can encourage him to share his fears and educate him about similar concerns she faces about their marriage.

Trading the Tug Of War For a Partnership That Works

If Barry and Valerie choose to put themselves in each others' shoes, they create a third planet called partnership. In this sphere there is no tug of war, but a blending and enriching of each of them. They forge a strong resource that both can tap into when challenged by fears and insecurities.

Valerie's Planet, Barry's Planet, and the Marriage Planet Orbit Together

A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique sphere, coming together and overlapping in the third realm of marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Reuben's angry that he has to hide his anger

A barrage of customer complaints roused Reuben’s anger. It wasn’t his fault that the city was doing sidewalk repairs and making it difficult for people to enter his cafe for lunch. His anger got worse when his regulars didn’t pay attention to the signs he had put up to warn them of this inconvenience. Each customer had a few minutes of frustration , but he had to suffer entire days of it!

Reuben expresses his anger only in his fantasies

After the cafe closed at night Reuben would go over the complaints he had forced himself to sympathize with earlier. He retaliated in his imagination, telling the complainers that they were selfish, whining individuals who couldn’t tolerate anything out of the ordinary. He yelled at them in his fantasy, threw their meals in their faces, and hiked up their bills in an effort to feel powerful and in control. The fantasy could be called up anytime he needed to feel strong.

What family members did once, Reuben continued indefinitely in his psyche

It was a familiar experience, this rehashing and doing it over in his mind, going all the way back to his early childhood. As a child he would imagine hitting and wounding people who didn’t see his side of things. As an adult he had visions of cutting out his father’s tongue, stuffing his wife’s hurtful words down her throat, and muting his brother by taking out his voice box!

Wounding words from family members would repeat like a tape that looped over and over again, punishing him with their stinging insinuations. Each time the words replayed it was as if he were being wounded afresh. What family members did once, Reuben continued indefinitely in his inner world.

Reuben fears the consequences of his anger and decides to deal with his problem

Reuben’s business became just another place where he had to be prepared to ward off undeserved bullets and poisoned arrows. Fury and resentment prodded Reuben to be short, rude and hostile to staff and customers. When he saw that he hurt people with his angry and impatient demeanor, he became afraid that he would end up alone, hated and penniless. Reuben decided to take notice and he came to psychotherapy. He was about ready to burst anyway and had known for some time that it was becoming impossible to control.

Refocusing the angry lens makes Reuben feel fortunate and grateful

It was hard for Reuben to have a therapeutic comrade with whom he could look at and understand his experiences. He discovered that he expected people to be mean and hurtful and interpreted their communications in line with that view. The breakthrough came one day when he shared his experience of feeling angry and hurt when his father said “ we never see you and your family on Sundays!” What Reuben heard was a criticism and reprimand insinuating that Reuben and his family were not doing their duty and were bad people. In his therapeutic work he was awakened to other interpretations, such as

1.the possibility that his father missed him

2.that his father may be jealous of how self-contained Reuben’s family could be

3.that his father may be giving a compliment about Reuben’s dedication to his café on Sunday’s

4.that his father wanted to have the discipline that Reuben displayed towards work

Reuben uses his new perspective to build good relationships

Reuben found a whole new more comforting and inviting world when he re focused his lens from ‘hurtful’ intent to ‘benign or positive’ intent.

Reuben used his new perspective to advantage with his complaining customers. He put a big sign up in his window acknowledging and sharing in their frustration. Included in that message was an invitation to look at the benefits of the work being done on the sidewalk. The customers would have a beautiful patio dining area with greenery and fountains to enjoy. There would be areas for children and pets, all at no financial cost to the public or to Reuben. He described the benefits as a gift that would last for ever, if everyone could endure a few weeks of frustration and inconvenience.

Using anger positively gains Reuben four long term advantages

By refocusing his lens of anger Reuben:

A.Connected with others who were also angry.

Benefit Reuben made himself an equal rather than a victim.

B.Created a unifying purpose for staff and customers.

Benefit everyone’s anger shifted towards an expectation of a positive goal.

C.Promoted a sense of cohesiveness where everyone could express frustration.

Benefit shared experiences detoxify the anger, promoting safety and security during difficult times.

D.Opened up a pathway for others to see and hear him through a joint experience.

Benefit: negative and self-destructive anger was transformed into positive, liberating and connecting emotions which built strong bonds among all concerned.

  Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Hollow praise turned Paul's pride into an angry rage of betrayal

Paul’s heart filled with pride as his year end performance review glowed with positive and encouraging feedback. His heart sank to his boots when the expected raise didn’t materialize. The praise and recognition that made him feel validated turned into a silent, choking, disappointing rage of betrayal.

Shock and disbelief made Paul behave go through the day snapping at his colleagues, impatient with customers and dismissive with his wife and child when he got home. What was the point of all the overtime, taking on extra work, and covering for others? Why had he bothered to take classes and do exams to get certified at a level that enhanced the software company’s credibility and marketing potential?

Anger and disappointment makes Paul want to stop trying

Paul began to recall all the times his boss gave him signs that his efforts were being noticed and would be rewarded at the appropriate time. Was that a dream? Did he misread the signals? How could he be so easily fobbed off with a few sweet words?

Work became a burden. Paul lost all interest in his job and isolated himself from everyone else. If they treated him as if he were expendable, then that’s exactly what he would make himself – a mere cog in the wheel! His anger created a wall around him that no one could penetrate. If he wasn’t good enough to get the raise he believed he was promised then he wasn’t going to give them anymore of himself than he had to.

Fury at his boss made Paul a mean demanding husband

Paul took his bitter resentful protest out on his wife. Paul made her pay for the mistake of his boss, demanding that his wife read his mind, and do everything to make up for his disappointing experience at work. She refused to play the game and made Paul even madder. Now no one was giving him what he deserved and he was furious, frustrated, sad and afraid that he was never going to get what he was entitled to in any area of his life – no matter how much he did his part.

How Should Paul Use His Angry Energy?

Anger sets off a slew of physiological reactions in the body that prepare it to fight for survival. From stress hormones to increased blood flow in certain regions of the brain, anger acts as a fuel, providing the energy that motivates you to act in your own best interests. How you decide to use that energy determines whether you have a positive or negative outcome.

The energy produced by the rage at not getting his fair share of goodies motivated Paul to do something different. Instead of just using up his energy in the gym he decided to make sure he was never blindsided again. Isolated and left to stew in his own juices, he realized that no one was going to come to his rescue and cajole him back into relationships.

Paul used the potent energy of anger to stop feeling sorry for himself, be proactive and fight for himself. Instead of wishing and hoping in vain that his boss, his colleagues and wife would sympathize and make amends, he chose to work on using the massive amounts of energy he felt to empower himself.

Using anger as a positive source of empowerment

Once Paul put himself in the driving seat he began to understand that he had let his magical wishes interfere with his participation in life. Paul figured out that his assumptions about raises and promotions were just that – assumptions that he believed were identical to the thoughts of his boss – as if there were only one mind involved in this process. He learned that he has to check things out and correct false assumptions on both sides. He discovered that he has to be actively involved in ensuring his success. The overwhelming energy from anger when his hopes were shattered brought Paul to his senses.

Five ways for Paul to use angry energy to empower himself

1. Paul can use his anger as motivation to clearly express his wishes and expectations.

Benefit: taking his share of the responsibility for his future by reducing uncertainty.

2. He can ensure that he gets a clear idea of what rewards his boss has in mind at the outset, and negotiate on his own behalf.

Benefit: solid information that takes him away from victim hood to proactive mastery.

3. Paul can make sure his boss is aware of his achievements instead of hoping they will be noticed, and be devastated when they go unseen.

Benefit: certainty that his boss recognizes Paul’s value, with increased likelihood that he is compensated accordingly.

4. He can discuss reward options when he covers for his colleagues or does extra shifts, such as time off, alternating shifts, money etc.

Benefit exercising autonomy rewires the brain making it more likely that he will engage in using anger beneficially rather than as a downward spiral of protest and negativity.

5. Paul can ask for monthly and quarterly projections of tasks and decide whether the incentives to take part in extra work are worth it to him.

Benefit: taking an active part in the decision making process in advance makes the consequences more satisfying and frees him up to have a healthy and satisfying relationship with his wife.

Paul no longer waits to see whether people in his life will “see” how great he is and magically reward him. He makes sure he tells and shows them what he wants them to know, and what he expects from them. It took the energy of intense anger and frustration to motivate him into actively shaping his life for the better. The rewards are consistent, sustained and very fulfilling.

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