Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Careless Terry is Mortified

Terry couldn't get over himself. He had hit his neighbor's car while pulling into his driveway. He was mortified at this inexcusable mistake. How could he be so careless? He wasn't unusually tired, so why hadn't he been more alert?

If Only the Clock Could Be Turned Back!

The damage to the car was the least of Terry's worries. Shocked, he was unable to take in any words of comfort or reassurance from his wife. He was oblivious to the affectionate nuzzling of his dog, and the adoring smile of his two year old daughter. He replayed the scene in his head a million times. Each time he pressed the rewind button he rehearsed ways in which he could have avoided this disaster. If only the clock could be turned back.! But life wasn't that kind, and neither was Terry. He tortured himself for not paying attention and bringing shame on himself.

Terry Wants To Hide In Shame

Visions of being chewed out by his neighbor flooded his mind. He imagined being shunned when he walked his dog. Everyone would know what he had done, and think badly of him. How could he hold his head up around the apartment complex again? Choked with horror he couldn't eat dinner. He couldn't sleep either. As the next day approached, all he wanted to do was to numb his feelings and hide from the world.

Terry's Wife Becomes Impatient When Terry Shuts Her Out

The next day was a blur. Terry called in sick to work and didn't take calls from friends or family. He exiled himself from the world in a depressive funk. One day turned into five weeks – thirty five days of shutting himself off from everything except his self-recriminations. His wife at first sympathetic and understanding became impatient and irritated.

"What's up with you? You're not interested in our child anymore, you're mean to the dog, and you avoid me like the plague. It's intolerable. You won't talk to anyone or let me help you. I'm fed up with being shut off. I'm moving in with my mother."

The Worst Imaginable Scenario Is About to Happen

In a flash Terry's wheels started turning. The worst imaginable scenario was about to become a reality. He must be an ogre for his wife to threaten him with the one thing that mattered more than anything in the world- being a good dad. Terry felt powerless. His wife had all the cards and he had no bargaining chips.

Terry Recalls Being Made Fun Of

The hollow pit in his stomach growled as he recalled his father punishing him by taking him out of the school he loved when he missed getting chosen for the football team. At that moment he had felt like a moron that wasn't fit to be alive, never mind a part of his family. Terry tasted the bitter cruelty of kids taunting him as he relived that humiliating experience. He wanted to disappear then as much as he wanted to evaporate now.

Terry excelled himself in math at his new school. Gradually he won the respect of his teachers and class mates. He was nicknamed "super-math-man." Kids asked for his help with homework. This superman thing was quite something! It got him noticed, made him popular and gave him a reason to take up space. But the one thing it didn't do was get his father's attention. Terry's confidence was squashed by his father's mocking tone calling him a nerd.

The Old Familiar Battle Begins Again

Accidentally hitting his neighbor's car rolled out this old familiar battle. The battle to win approval by being superman. Losing concentration and hitting the car burst the superman bubble. All that was left was the reincarnation of the ridiculing remarks made by the brats at school, and his father's belittling comments.

Terry played both roles. He was Superman until he hit the car. At that moment he forfeited his right to be a husband, father, friend and colleague. Terry the brat took over, gloating at Superman's downfall. The brat was in his element, enjoying this moment of superiority, laughing as Superman became hu-man!

Terry's Desire To Be a Good Dad Rescues Him From Depression

Superman Terry's refusal to eat, take calls or be comforted was his way of going off to die having lost his battle. But Terry's daughter saved the day. His strong desire to be a good dad made him put the old battle back in it's box, and try a different playing field. He took the plunge and come to therapy with me.

He discovered Terry the gentle, sensitive, loving and smart human being, who could forgive and learn from his mistakes. The turning point came when he got accepted and cared for because he was human enough to make mistakes. Receiving compassion enabled him to put it on his menu. Now he takes calls and responds to his wife. Terry was glad he got depressed because it gave him the impetus to let go of the superman versus brat battle and sign the hu -man peace treaty.

  Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Road rage nearly causes Garret a heart attack

Just as he was about to turn right and head for home, a driver on his left zoomed in front of 35 year old Garret’s car and raced through the traffic lights. One moment he was smiling at the thought of telling his wife about his big sales deal, and the next he was stomping on the brakes to avoid a head on collision. He swore and cursed and made faces. He hit his steering wheel and shook his fists in the air. Road rage overcame him, sent his blood pressure sky high and stress hormones coursing through his blood stream. He chased the driver, blew his horn at him, and wove in and out of lanes to irritate the guy who had nearly caused him a heart attack.

Forgiveness would mean being a wimp and that’s not an option!

Garret found it hard to move on from the experience. He made abusive statements about the driver who cut him. His body became tense and stiff as if he was protecting himself from being taken off guard again. Garret got another attack of low back pain that always seemed to affect him when he was angry and unable to do anything about it. It reminded him of that feeling of outrage and helplessness when Astrid broke her promise by choosing her family over his for the big holiday celebrations. He had felt deeply betrayed and disregarded. He had never forgiven her disloyalty. He wasn’t going to let that happen again this year. He couldn’t allow himself to forgive and forget because that would be asking for more. He couldn’t let her think he was a soft touch, and allow himself to be treated like a second class citizen. She had to be reminded about the pain and suffering she caused him, so he could feel avenged. Forgiving would mean pardoning and that would make him a wimp.

Nothing eases Garret's chronic low back pain for several weeks

The back pain lasted a good three weeks, despite Garret’s visits to the chiropractor and the pain medication. It was persistent and interrupted his sleep. This attack felt a lot worse than the many others he had suffered all his adult life. Alcohol numbed his back pain for short periods and also relieved him of the churning feelings of bitter disappointment that people just trampled over his feelings. He resented the fact that they got ahead at his expense. He couldn’t forgive them for not considering the impact of their behavior on him.

How is Garret's refusal to forgive influencing his chronic low back pain?

Research has discovered several important links between chronic low back pain, anger and forgiveness. The most important findings are summarized below.

• Expressing anger lowers level of pain and increases recovery time.

In 2008 research at the Rosalind Franklin University School of Medicine revealed that among those who were frequent sufferers of chronic low back pain, those who didn’t express anger had the highest levels of pain, and the slowest recovery times.

• Comfort with forgiveness reduces pain, and distress

Studies published in 2005 by researchers at Duke University show that chronic low back pain sufferers who are comfortable with forgiveness have lower levels of pain, anger and psychological distress. Those that are not comfortable with forgiveness experience higher levels of pain, higher levels of psychological distress, unhappiness and a lower quality of life.

Those who experience frequent and intense road rage are less likely to forgive and are more prone to suffer from bouts of chronic low back pain.

• Muscle tension from anger strains the lower back inducing pain

Holding onto anger, hostility and resentment creates tension in the muscles, strains the lower back and results in low back pain. The repeated pattern of refusal to forgive over a long period of time creates a condition chronic of low back pain which is greater in intensity and lasts longer.

The role of forgiveness in easing pain and distress is significant. In 2005 neuropsychologists at the University of Arizona suggested that forgiveness breaks the pattern of fear and stress in the emotional brain. Less stress equals less muscle tension, less stress hormones, and therefore less intense lower back pain.

Forgiveness dampens the charged emotional brain that causes pain

Forgiveness comes from the logical brain which acts as a brake on the emotional brain from laying down yet another memory of pain and distress. Forgiveness helps lay down new and less traumatic memories, making recovery quicker and longer lasting.

Forgiving is not pardoning – it eases pain and boosts comforting relationships.

The biggest obstacle to forgiveness comes when it is confused with pardoning inexcusable behavior. Garret doesn’t have to approve, discount, or erase the irresponsible or disloyal actions of other drivers or his wife. What he can do for his personal health and psychological well-being is to:

1. Try to express his feelings to his wife, rather than hold it in. That release of tension will reduce the likelihood of lower back pain. Any back pain he does suffer will be less severe and he will recover faster.

2. Open up a dialogue so that they each step into each others shoes and empathize with one another. That will promote emotional intimacy and lessen the distress Garret feels. If he understands both sides he won’t feel as unseen and mistreated. He will be more inclined to forgive and calm his emotional brain. A less reactive emotional brain will in turn protect him from the agony of chronic low back pain.

You might also like

Anger quiz

To forgive or not to forgive?

Three ways to end back pain caused by mistrust in relationships

Audio tips on expressing bad feelings

   Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Starting the day with fibromyalgia pain made Vera angry

Fibromyalgia made it hard for 46 year old Vera to get her legs out of bed in the morning. As she moved toward the bathroom and began her toilette the pangs of pain moved to her hands, head and neck. It brought tears to her eyes. It made her angry to think that Kurt hadn’t even thought of organizing things around the house to make life a little easier for her. Vera remembered the arguments about accompanying her on doctors appointments and got even more angry. But she never said anything to him. She turned her mind to the support group she would attend later that day, although it wasn’t successful in easing her physical discomfort.

Vera found it easier to focus on the fibromyalgia pain than her scary emotions

As she ate breakfast, flashbacks of her early family file flooded Vera’s vision. She relived the tension she used to feel coming home from school wondering if her parents would fight out loud or give each other the cold shoulder.  Her mother would take out her frustration on Vera the oldest and quietest of her kids. Her muscles tightened up as she recalled the fear of uncertainty and not knowing how to speak about her worries. It was the same thing now. She didn’t know how to talk about the anxiety of not being able to take care of herself. Vera had no words for the anger at her father for not making her mother happy, and at Kurt for being equally insensitive and uncaring. What she did have was body pain that ranged from dull aches to excruciating pain for which no specific organic cause had been found. Fibromyalgia was the diagnosis.  It came with fatigue, slowing down of actions and restricting her life. It was making Vera dependent on pain medication and on a husband who let her down, repeating the cycle of her childhood.

Stuffing her anger made Vera's fibromyalgia more acute and distressing

Vera’s struggles in talking about her anger and stress as a child and now as an adult make it more likely that her experience of pain when the fibromyalgia flares up will be more intense and debilitating. The European Journal of Pain, 2010 reported a study comparing female fibromyalgic sufferers who expressed versus those that repressed their anger. The greater the inhibition of anger the greater the experience of pain in women with fibromyalgia. Those who got angry and expressed it in the situation in which it was aroused experienced the least amount of pain.

No amount of positive thinking eased her excruciating  fibromyalgic pain

When compared to healthy women, those who avoid strong negative emotions like anger and let it fester unprocessed are more likely to suffer fibromyalgia. In addition focusing on positive emotions does not appear to be a sufficient buffer. According to a report in the 2008 Journal of Psychosomatic Research, it is the lack of processing of negative emotions that precipitates the cycle of pain in fibromyalgic sufferers irrespective of the amount or duration of positive thoughts. Vera wasn’t more sensitive than most women to negative emotions like anger, but she experienced them more often and never learned to express them in a healthy way. It compromised her neuroendocrine functioning, lowering her pain threshold both physically and psychologically, suggests a study on women with fibromyalgia published in Arthritis Care and Research, 2010.

Fibromyalgia is linked to chronic childhood stress and conflict with parents

Vera was typical of most adult women with fibromyalgia that have had stressful childhoods as reported by the Journal Stress and Health in 2009. Vera’s experience of verbal and emotional abuse from her mother, and the uncaring attitude of her father is another common thread in the life histories of women with fibromyalgia. Vera’s struggles with her mother and now her husband made her view life through a more negative lens. Conflict with parents and later with partners adds to the stress and contributes to the more negative perceptions of life by women with fibromyalgia  as indicated by the journal European Psychiatry in 2000.

Chronic childhood stress deregulates Vera’s neuroendocrine system making her more prone to fibromyalgia

Long term stress that is continuous and chronic affects the neuroendocrine system making it less effective over time. Vera’s childhood trauma created a permanent sense of uncertainty and unpredictability that impaired her ability to develop and use healthy stress management strategies. So with each new stress her neuroendocrine system got weaker and began functioning in an abnormal way. She lived in a constant state of stress such that her levels of stress hormone such as cortisol were elevated years after the stress of living with her parents was removed. Despite the struggle of living with a man who was argumentative and unsupportive, it was nothing compared to her previous stressful experiences. The early chronic experience of stress appears to exert a much larger influence in contributing to the pain of fibromyalgia than any current stressful life event, as a 2006 study reported in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinolgy.

Processing negative emotions can reduce the pain of Vera's fibromyalgia

Vera may not be able to change her history or her husband. But she can begin to process her emotions in her support group and supplement it with psychotherapy.  She can share her anger about her early life, as well as her fear of being helpless and alone in pain. She can take the pressure off her already overwhelmed neuroendocrine system by acknowledging, naming and expressing her feelings in the moment. A study in Arthritis Care and Research, 2010 suggests that Vera can expect between 50%-70% improvement in functioning and feel less pain if she does so.

You might also like

The body stress quiz

Unexpressed anger and stress predispose women to rheumatoid arthritis

Migraine is triggered by years of unexpressed anger and pain

Keeping silent about your feelings may predispose you to suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

  Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you have while reading it or implementing any of the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

  Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Tinnitus is brought on by worry and fear  of disapproval

The thought of spending five hours at his parents’ anniversary party made Roger feel tired and anxious. That’s when the ringing in his ears started. It was barely noticeable while he was getting dressed, but the tinnitus became loud and jarring as he thought of having to endure the pointed questions, and being told what to do and how to do it.

He hated large gatherings which always made him feel on ‘show.’ He could hear the comments his mother would make about him going back to school to get an architecture degree. He rehearsed his fake smile and polite responses, while hurt and resentful inside.

Tinnitus is linked to not expressing feelings when emotionally distressed

Meeting up with neighbors and a couple of old family friends put Roger at ease for a short while. The tinnitus quieted down long enough for him to focus on the conversation and enjoy a joke or two. Other people joined his group and took over the conversation. He felt unsure of himself and afraid of looking like a fool. Roger’s discomfort made his tinnitus return. He felt dizzy and went out into the garden, trying to escape the hissing noise in his ears. But it persisted until he saw his nephews and nieces playing around the pool. He felt more comfortable in their company. The tinnitus abated as Roger’s comfort level returned to normal. He could say what he liked to the kids. They accepted him without question.

Tinnitus distracts Roger from fear of disapproval and rejection

At the dinner buffet Roger’s anxiety heightened. He saw his mother’s eyes on him, and got ordered around by his father to give an opinion. Put on the spot in that manner made him feel anxious and upset again. It was as if everyone was looking at him in a disparaging way. His body became tense and his jaw tightened. His heart started to race faster, he became sweaty and the tinnitus roared in his ears. Focusing on his physical discomfort took away the anger towards his parents. He excused himself by saying he wasn’t feeling well and went to his old bedroom.

The tinnitus was overwhelming. Putting his headphones on to listen to music on his ipod didn’t help. All he could hear was that scratchy high pitched rhythmic noise in his ears that made him want to destroy his hearing.

But alone again he felt safer. The tinnitus was by now familiar and predictable. Family and others were dangerous. They made him worry about getting hurt and rejected. He was always on guard and it was exhausting. He rarely had fun in the company of others. Life was much more tolerable and manageable when he was doing his architectural drawings and studying on the computer.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Research shows that a Type D  or ‘distressed’ personality is linked to Tinnitus

Tinnitus is one of the most chronic Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) conditions experienced by between 10% -20% of people. It is experienced as a ringing in the ears in the absence of any external sounds. It can take the form of buzzing, whining, hissing, ticking or clicking sounds that can be very disorienting.

A study reported in the 2010 Journal of Psychosomatics found that compared to other Ear Nose and Throat patients, Tinnitus suffers had a greater likelihood of:

1. Type D personality – characterized by experiencing negative emotions for much of the time and not expressing them due to fear of disapproval and or rejection. This ‘distressed’ type of personality makes people lack self-assurance and reticent about speaking.

2. Having a negative outlook in life.

3. Having difficulty controlling and stabilizing their negative emotions like worry, irritability and gloom.

4. Being uncomfortable in social situations.

5. Being more introvert as opposed to extrovert.

How can Roger manage his tinnitus symptoms and enjoy life?

Roger is caught in a trap. He wants approval and acceptance so he can be more self-assured and confident. But he is fearful of disapproval and rejection if he dares speak his mind. The conflict is harmful to his health and quality of life. Tinnitus prevents him from being able to enjoy normal activities and reinforces his reluctance to participate in group gatherings.

Roger can help himself by:

•  Rehearsing the thought that his views are just as valuable as those of others.

•  Tuning into the evidence that people are listening and accepting him rather than only being in touch with past experiences of rejection.
  

• Ÿ         When he speaks up he will show his value and people will take him seriously.

Ÿ       

•   The more he speaks up rather than look for approval, the more confident and self-assured he will feel.

• Ÿ         Feeling good about himself will reduce the need for tinnitus to mask his fears and worries.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

 Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you have while reading it or using any of the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

  Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 Rheumatoid arthritis disrupts Anita's career early in life

At the age of 44 Anita a fitness trainer and tennis coach was crushed by a diagnoses of Rheumatoid arthritis. She had always been the epitome of health and vitality. She watched her diet and weight and enjoyed her physically active life and career. Recently pain and stiffness in her fingers, wrists and knees was making it difficult for her to swing the tennis racket and get her clients bodies to work out effectively. She was getting tired more quickly, and finding herself fatigued even when she was at rest.

 Women are twice as likely to suffer from rheumatoid arthritis than men

Anita was scared. She had always done everything she put her mind to perfectly. She was efficient, well organized and thoughtful in managing her life. She had expected to slow down as she got older, but not this fast, and not this painfully. Unfortunately Anita joined the ranks of the 1.293 million adults aged 18 and older that have doctor diagnosed Rheumatoid arthritis in the United States. She is also among the women who are twice as likely as men to suffer from this disease, as reported by the Centers For Disease Control.

The pain of rheumatoid arthritis put Anita's focus mainly on her body

Fear and embarrassment kept Anita quiet. She was used to dealing with her problems herself and never felt the need to talk about her experiences with family or friends.  She researched her condition  and found out everything she could about it, including the bleak prognosis. Anita discovered that Rheumatoid Arthritis is an inflammatory process that develops from a faulty immune response, for which there is no cure. She constructed a strategy for herself involving supplements such as Glucosamine, fish oil and borage. She began the ‘arthritis diet’, high in fish and fresh fruits, while low in potatoes, eggplant, tomatoes and peppers. She added  specific exercises for her joints.

 Anita’s symptoms ebbed and flowed with each new change in diet and routine. But her general level of fatigue, pain and swelling hampered her work with clients. She became more self-conscious and less social as a result. Anita’s natural awareness and sensitivity to her body heightened to levels that made it difficult to focus and concentrate on anything else.

 Anita was a intelligent and conscientious person, self-sufficient and dedicated to her craft of body fitness. For Anita, a healthy body was the gateway to a healthy attitude, and balanced life. What Anita didn’t realize is that her emotional life also played a part in creating mind-body harmony.

The Mind-body connection in Rheumatoid Arthritis

A report in the Journal of Chronic Diseases as long ago as 1964 reviewed the research on personality among those with doctor diagnosed rheumatoid arthritis and found that sufferers tend to be self-sacrificing, masochistic, conforming, self-conscious, shy, inhibited, perfectionistic, and interested in sports and games.  The Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine confirmed these findings more recently, adding that when compared to their non arthritic siblings, rheumatoid arthritis patients were more nervous, restless, and sensitive to anger issues, making them more compliant and solitary.

 Rheumatoid arthritis sufferers are more sensitive to body sensations

Those with rheumatoid arthritis are acutely sensitive and aware of their bodies such that their focus is on physical sensations more often than not. “They have a heightened sense of reality that makes them more sensitive to bodily distress”, said one of the lead authors of a study reported in the Journal of Rheumatology in  2008.  This trait, known as ‘somatic absorption’ was persistent even when other factors such as disease severity, demographics, other illness and psychological distress were taken into account.

Disclosing emotions reduces markers of inflammation in the blood of Rheumatoid arthritis sufferers

The journal of Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics 2009, found that patients who took part in a study where they exchanged feelings and expressed their emotions had lower levels of inflammatory markers in their blood than those who kept their feelings to themselves.

Talking about your feelings has a huge benefit in most chronic diseases including those caused by compromised immune systems. Emotional restriction induces stress, and prolonged stress damages the effectiveness of your immune system. Expressing emotions and sharing feelings releases the body from dealing with the diseases linked to stress, such as auto-immune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis.

It may be difficult for Anita to open up and share her emotional life with friends and family. But taking that step can be the most important long term plan she can adopt. It will bring support that will ease the stress of perfectionism and shift the focus away from her body. Talking about her feelings and allowing others to understand and empathize with her, can boost her immune system, restore energy, and improve the quality of her life.

 Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

you might also like

Stress quiz

Stress in your body quiz

Keeping silent about your feelings may predispose you to Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Migraine is triggered by years of unexpressed emotional pain

 Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Making The Same New Year's Resolution

Jim made a new years resolution to give up smoking for the umpteenth time. Last year it had worked for 3 months , until a bitter row with his best friend weakened his resolve. The familiar comfort of smoking saw him through many a lonely moment. Painful memories that were played over and over in his mind were dulled as he inhaled and let out sighs of smoke filled hurt and disappointment.

Water Tight Procedure – It Will Work

This time he was more determined to conquer the habit. This time he made contingency plans for dealing with temptations and ensuring that his iron will overcame any emotional calamity, no matter how dire. He joined a support group, devised rewards for not smoking, and extracted promises from his colleagues and friends to come down hard on him if they noticed any signs of lapsing. He got the nicotine gum and the patch to get his through the worst cravings. He would call his sponsor if he had a desire to smoke, go out for walks, go to the gym, meet with friends or start a new project that would distract him from thinking of smoking. Notes to himself were stuck all over his apartment, desk, and car. A recording of his own voice reminding him to be strong with lots of good affirming statements from his cell phone recorder greeted him each morning and repeated every couple of hours.

So Far So Good

He was good to go. The foolproof structure he had constructed supported him admirably. He glowed with success as he saved money, found new flavors exploding on his tongue, and jogged for a mile without getting out of breath. He was proud of himself, and so were his cheerleaders. He no longer had to worry whether a date would be put off by his smoky breath! In fact Jim found a great girl who joined him in sampling new cuisines, and walking off their hearty meals.

The Bombshell Drops

He celebrated his seventh month without smoking by booking a vacation with all the money he had saved. Then came the bombshell. He saw his girlfriend in a close embrace with another man at a café while he was out walking.

Life Came To a Halt

For a split second Jim's life came to a complete halt. His breath ceased, dizziness made him unsteady and there was a strange sound in his ears. The next thing he knew he was inhaling smoke from a cigarette held in his shaking hand. The smoke filled his lungs, and jolted his heart beat into frantic action. The tinny sound in his ears grew louder as he tried to deal with the scene he had stumbled upon.

The Resolute Jim Gets Wiped Out

The Jim of the last seven months had just been obliterated by the savage betrayal he had just witnessed. He felt as if she had been propelled into another world with no land legs, and no compass to find his way to safety. Some automatic part of him had rushed to the nearest store and bought a pack of cigarettes. Grasping the familiar white tube, lighting it, and inhaling it was like finding his way home. The rush of nicotine mobilized his survival instincts, uncorking his rage to fuel his fighting spirit.

Jim Plucks Up Courage To Figure Out Why It Failed

Jim was horrified that he had fallen off the wagon so easily. He realized that something more than just a lack of will was at play. He got up the courage to address his deeper issue in therapy with me.

Discovering The Hard Wiring

Smoking had brought a smile to his mother's face after long nights waiting for her husband who never came home. When his mother smoked she wasn't absent like his dad, but right there with her kids, being a loving parent.

Jim learned that smoking was an effective pick-me-up. He used it as his comfort food when his first girlfriend dumped him. Eventually it became his indispensable pacifier. The rhythmic actions of inhaling and exhaling let out all the tension. His brain and body recognized the nicotine and smoke as dollops of reassurance. They responded by reducing the unbearable emotions that betrayal created inside him. Support groups and sponsors helped with minor let downs, but were useless when the big betrayal hit. He was hard wired to use cigarettes to manage the tsunamis.

Jim Disconnects the Old Wiring and Kicks the Habit

Jim disconnected the wire from nicotine to relief. He made new connections allowing love and care to take the place of nicotine. It was hard work but he did it. The therapeutic dialogue created fresh new neural pathways in his brain. He got relief and comfort from people who were reliable, trustworthy and loving. Now hid chances of successfully sticking to his new year's resolution are excellent.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Mervin's Dream Betrays Him

The bidding war for Mervin's first musical score was through the roof. It was too good to be true. Hours before the contracts were to be signed the offers were dropped. It felt like an execution. Mervin gave away his guitar and burned all his original compositions. He started a new life in the food industry. He couldn't afford to nurture his talent if it betrayed him with such savage blows of disappointment. Mervin sealed the door to his musical skills, axed the desire to compose, and became a workaholic.

Mervin's Life Looks Like A Hollow Abyss

Two years later a severe respiratory infection turned Mervin's life upside down. He had to give up the buzz he got as restaurant manager, juggling staff shortages, customer complaints, temperamental chefs and advertising deadlines. The long term effects of stress compromised his immune system and made him sick. Without the adrenalin pumping, and the busy schedules to occupy his every waking moment, Mervin's life looked like a deep, dark, hollow abyss echoing words of condemnation.

Get Off Your Backside And Find a Job!

"You're a lazy waste of space, a loser just like your father predicted. You'll never make it. You ought to be ashamed of yourself lounging around watching movies, sleeping and eating. How can you even think of hanging out with your friends? You haven't worked in five months. You're acting like a spoiled brat who lost his favorite toy. Get off your backside and find a respectable job or else your family and friends will disown you, and you will deserve it."

Mervin Is Scared Out Of His Wits

Guilt spurred Mervin to beef up his resume and email it to acquaintances in the catering industry. Mervin interviewed with several companies, but his heart wasn't in it. He was off his game. Working for others to get up the conventional ladder held no appeal. Something else was brewing, that scared the living daylights out of him.

Mervin's Terrified Of Being Burned Again

Catchy tunes popped into his head, that stuck in his mind. Mervin found himself imagining new riffs and hooks for television shows that he liked. Terrified of being burned again, Mervin went into overdrive. He punished himself with sit ups to quiet the chords in his head. He re-decorated his house, cleaned out his garage and took on delivery jobs. Anything to keep those damn melodies from penetrating his fortress. He was out of luck. Musical conversations flowed through him, reminding him of his talent and longing to compose. They also brought back memories of the dropped contracts challenging him to make a choice.

Is Mervin's Passion A Pipe Dream?

Mervin was caught between a rock and a hard place. Should he take a risk and write melodies again, or should he play it safe and get a regular day job? His passion was to compose music and lyrics for movies and television shows. But what if he didn't make it? What if promises got broken again? What if no one liked his stuff anymore? What if he had missed the boat and had to face the hard facts of reality – that his passion was just a pipe dream?

Compromise Feels Like An Agent of Contamination

Taking a regular job would keep the dream alive and untainted. When life looked dreary he could call up the fantasy and imagine the thrill of hearing his music on movie sound tracks. No broken promises could mess with his fantasies. He could turn the volume up when he was sad, and turn it down when he felt good. It was the only safe way of hanging onto the purity of the precious dream. The idea of compromise felt like a contaminating agent that Mervin couldn't accept.

A Dose of Realism?

Mervin was tortured by his agonizing quandary. Together Mervin and I came to understand how painful it was to give up the image of his dream in pristine condition. As we explored his conflict he came to a crossroads. Was Mervin willing to let the dream come true even if it wasn;t exactly as he wanted it, or was he going to keep the dream safe, as an unsullied fantasy? He grew to realize that his wishes could come true, but he had to include a dose of realism into the mix.

Losing His Job Is A Blessing In Disguise

Adversity helped Mervin come down to earth without having to throw away his cherished dreams. He was able to bring the dreamer and the practical guy parts of himself to the table and hammer out a deal. Losing his job was the catalyst Mervin needed to develop some compromising muscles. He got a paid position that supported him in the short term, while he worked on his real passion. Getting his bills paid took the pressure off, and gave him freedom to compose unfettered by practical worries. Less stressed, he sold his compositions on favorable terms. Losing his job wasn't such a bad thing after all!

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Just the thought of being anxious is enough to make you anxious! Who wants the worry, the knots in the stomach, the thoughts of impending doom and the urgency that compels you to prevent it? Perhaps no one consciously chooses to be anxious, but it may be best buffer against selfish, grabbing relationships.

Past experiences infect the present frothing up anxiety

Jody was a loner, loved to read and listen to music. She woke up most mornings burdened with the weight of the day ahead. She felt tired and worn out even before she began the day, anticipating what people might think of her. She was concerned with who was looking over her shoulder, waiting to accuse her of doing something wrong. She expected to encounter situations that she wouldn't be able to handle. Memories of inadvertently upsetting people in the past invaded her mind. Uncomfortable past experiences infected the present, as Jody was whipped up into a froth of palpitating anxiety.

Need for comfort and reassurance

Unable to contain herself, Jody called friends and talked, or made contact via instant messaging on the Internet. The words that her friends or contacts spoke were less important than their willingness to be there, listen, reassure and make Jody feel she mattered. Jody was able to allow herself this connection because it came at a time of dire need. As soon as she felt calmer, her need for contact diminished and she would go back to her lonely existence.

Paying a retainer to insure attention

Jody was caught in a cycle of wanting contact but not being able to tolerate it for more than a short time. As soon as Jody felt good, the same people who had been her soothers, turned into blood sucking leeches. They wanted to include her in their social lives, and share their ups and downs. They wanted her to help them out when they were stressed out, and wanted her company when they were lonely. Jody experienced this as a trap, having to put her agenda on hold in order maintain the relationship. It was worse than the anxiety attacks, because it meant having to make a choice between 'me or them!' No wonder she resented invitations to be with others. It was a retainer she had to pay in order to insure their receptiveness and attention when she was scared and anxious.

The world is made up of ' givers' and 'takers'

For Jody, the world was divided into givers and takers. When she needed contact with people she put on her 'taker' costume. The idea of being a 'taker' made her feel selfish, so she had to find a way of justifying it. Panic and anxiety to the rescue! What better reason to reach out for contact? Who would refuse to offer help in this situation? The 'giver' outfit stirred up other conflicts. It was comfortable so long as she could do so on her terms. But if she was being asked to give of herself on other people's schedule, it smacked of being used, abused and sucked dry. Jody feared that others would deplete her reserves, leaving her the dregs of protest and exhaustion.

Anxiety regulates intimacy

How come Jody views relationship through such a dismal lens? Because genuine closeness and intimacy was terrifying. It meant that she would have to give and get, see and be seen, and be in an equal partnership. This was too scary, so she used her anxiety as a way of making just enough connection with others to satisfy her basic human needs. When the need for closeness had been met, she pulled away. As soon as the need for closeness recurred anxiety was a sure fire way of getting it back, just long enough to reduce the fear of being alone. Anxiety was Jody's way of regulating closeness with loved ones.

Caught in the repetitive cycle of anxiety

When making and maintaining relationships is a strain, anxiety allows you to reach out and be connected to another person. It provides the impetus for you to ask for support, comfort, company and acceptance. It gives you the opportunity to check if you are lovable, worth being with, and worthy of being taken care of. The comfort is temporary, ensuring that you continue to use anxiety attacks to replenish the stock of love-ability.

Learning to trust turns anxiety off

All the meditation and relaxation techniques in the world will not help if anxiety is your glue to relate with others. Exploring the origins of your anxiety and what purpose it is serving will be the biggest gift you give yourself, and the first step you take towards a less anxious existence. The second step is developing trust in people you interact with. Trust sets the stage for experiencing connections as rewarding rather than abusive and manipulative. It's a big risk, requires courage and a yearning for mutually supportive relationships. Psychotherapy can turn the 'me or them' script into a dialogue of 'us' that takes the stickiness out of anxiety glue.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sam is overwhelmed with expectations of criticism

The night before Sam was to meet his successful friend, his head throbbed with pain. A humdinger of a migraine was coming on. His left eyelid went into a uncontrollable spasm. He started to feel nauseous and dizzy. Sam was overwhelmed with anticipatory anxiety that Jim would criticize him. He worked really hard to impress Jim, his long time guru. Getting Jim's praise and encouragement to start his new business was the key to taking the risk.

Getting Jim's attention was crucial to Sam

Sam had been here before. He recalled Jim's harsh judgments and belittling comments every time Sam put out an opinion or idea. The more Jim knocked him down, the harder Sam tried to win his approval. Getting Jim's attention and being part of Jim's life was crucial to Sam's sense of self-worth. If Jim's eyes and words of acceptance didn't fall on him, Sam felt diminished. Jim became the source of all positive feedback and validation from the world.

If his idol crashed, what would become of Sam?

Idols retain their flawless image because the beholder needs to believe in their perfection. Jim's mistreatment was viewed as nothing other than a reflection of Sam's inadequacy. To view it any other way would be to remove Jim from the pedestal that Sam had built and sustained over the years. If his idol crashed, what would become of Sam?

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sam's body comes to the rescue

Sam's body came to the rescue. Jim showed great concern when he noticed Sam's pale face, his slurred speech and his spasmming eye lid. Jim was very worried about Sam's migraines that kept him out of action for days. He encouraged Sam to go to the doctor, he researched migraines on the internet and took time to be with his friend. Sam got his needs met without having to destroy his ideal.

Allergic to standing up for himself

Sam was not allergic to anything except standing up for himself. The eye tic, nausea and his headaches were his ticket to getting Jim's caring attention. Sam had to be sick before he was treated in a decent way because he couldn't bring himself to speak his true feelings.

Sam's choice

Sams can keep getting migraines and other physical complaints, or take baby steps to discover why self-validation doesn't feel appealing?

Sam's allergy clears up

Sam started therapy when Jim got fed up of pandering to his migraines. In psychotherapy Sam discovered that he didn't want to validate himself. It didn't feel nearly as good as when others did it. He learned that the thrill of the chase to get Jim to notice and acknowledge his existence was an immensely powerful motivator. He had been willing to suffer excruciating and debilitating migraines just so that Jim would be attentive. Now that Jim was no longer willing to play the game, Sam was forced to take care of his own self-image. It was hard and it didn't feel real for a long time.

Eventually, Sam took ownership of the power to make himself feel good. He learned how to check in with himself, and honor what he thought and felt. He began respecting his ideas and was willing to express them.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The Call That Ended Everything

The call came at 1:00 a.m. The call that never should have come. The call that Bruce would have moved heaven and earth to prevent. The call that ended everything when an apologetic voice dealt the fatal blow – his wife had suffered a heart attack at work and died.

Relentless Guilt Tortured Him

Bruce went through the motions as the autopsy, funeral and aftermath took their course. He allowed friends and relatives to take care of the arrangements, acting as an obedient robot. He lost his appetite and had trouble sleeping. The pills his doctor prescribed forced his shocked mind and body to switch off. He was glad when exhaustion took over, so he could get a break from the relentless guilt that tortured his every waking moment.

How Could He Have Been So Selfish?

How could that innocent beauty have been ripped away so soon? Why did she have to die so young when she had never harmed a soul? Why had he taken advantage of her sweet trusting nature and cheated on her whenever he was tempted? Why hadn't he thanked her more sincerely for the secure and stable home she had given him? Why had he been so selfish and refused to have a child? Why had he not given her one iota as much as she had given him?

Diet Of Recriminations

Bruce lived on a diet of self-loathing and recrimination. It took the edge off the guilt so he could continue living. He exiled himself from his community of neighbors and friends because he couldn't face what he imagined would be their accusatory looks and harsh judgments.

A New Companion Wants More Than He Can Give

Loneliness, and an abhorrence of his own company led him to find another companion. He got through the depressing days and nights of his first year of widower hood by the good grace and kindness of his new lady friend. But she wanted more of him than just his company. Giving her more was like sacrilege, so he gave just enough to keep her in his life. The rest of the time he was the loyal and grateful husband to his dead wife that he failed to be during her life time.

Nightmares Haunt Him

A year later his house was exactly the same as the morning his wife died. Bruce turned it into a shrine and worshiped at it's feet hoping to expiate his guilt and alleviate his remorse. He was plagued with horrific nightmares of being chased in jungles, thrown overboard from ships, crashing in a plane and being set on fire. He always woke up just before he was about to die, but the intense images and sensations stayed with him long afterwards. Life awake was not much better than life in the land of violent punishing dreams.

Bruce Wants Absolution

A wish for relief from the incessant nightmares provided an acceptable reason for him to seek psychotherapy. He wanted absolution. As Bruce talked about his life it became apparent that guilt was no stranger to him. He was guilty that he left his meager childhood home for a better life while the rest of the family lived like paupers. He was guilty about stealing his wife away from her first lover. He was guilty about not visiting his mother when she was dying, and for failing to get his veterinary license after six attempts at the exams.

Seeing The Big Picture

Putting his guilt into words allowed us to examine the cloth and feel the weave of the material he confessed. Slowly but surely Bruce learned that his perceptions were more than a little skewed. He had sent money home for his brother's education. His wife chose to leave her lover and marry Bruce. His mother had died unexpectedly as he was on route to her sick bed. His wife had agreed not to have children. He had worked three jobs while studying to be a Vet, making studying difficult. He rescued stray cats and dogs and donated money to animal shelters.

Grief Fogs Up The Lens

Grief and loss made him color his past behaviors with selfish intentions and mean spiritedness. His goodness and decency were lost to him until he began to hear me reflect them back to him. He learned to accept that he was cut from a cloth that could wash out its stains and still be fit for wear. As he made room for his kind traits Bruce dreamt of his wife coming down to him in the form of an angel, holding her arms out in a loving manner. He felt the joy of being reunited with a warm and loving wife.

The Antidote to Guilt

A small dose of guilt is useful when it serves to prick your conscience into doing the right thing. An overdose of guilt is a pernicious force that rots you from the inside out. It mangles your memory of the past and blurs your vision of the future. Bruce discovered that forgiving himself was the only effective antidote to his self-induced poisoning.