Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Mervin's Dream Betrays Him

The bidding war for Mervin's first musical score was through the roof. It was too good to be true. Hours before the contracts were to be signed the offers were dropped. It felt like an execution. Mervin gave away his guitar and burned all his original compositions. He started a new life in the food industry. He couldn't afford to nurture his talent if it betrayed him with such savage blows of disappointment. Mervin sealed the door to his musical skills, axed the desire to compose, and became a workaholic.

Mervin's Life Looks Like A Hollow Abyss

Two years later a severe respiratory infection turned Mervin's life upside down. He had to give up the buzz he got as restaurant manager, juggling staff shortages, customer complaints, temperamental chefs and advertising deadlines. The long term effects of stress compromised his immune system and made him sick. Without the adrenalin pumping, and the busy schedules to occupy his every waking moment, Mervin's life looked like a deep, dark, hollow abyss echoing words of condemnation.

Get Off Your Backside And Find a Job!

"You're a lazy waste of space, a loser just like your father predicted. You'll never make it. You ought to be ashamed of yourself lounging around watching movies, sleeping and eating. How can you even think of hanging out with your friends? You haven't worked in five months. You're acting like a spoiled brat who lost his favorite toy. Get off your backside and find a respectable job or else your family and friends will disown you, and you will deserve it."

Mervin Is Scared Out Of His Wits

Guilt spurred Mervin to beef up his resume and email it to acquaintances in the catering industry. Mervin interviewed with several companies, but his heart wasn't in it. He was off his game. Working for others to get up the conventional ladder held no appeal. Something else was brewing, that scared the living daylights out of him.

Mervin's Terrified Of Being Burned Again

Catchy tunes popped into his head, that stuck in his mind. Mervin found himself imagining new riffs and hooks for television shows that he liked. Terrified of being burned again, Mervin went into overdrive. He punished himself with sit ups to quiet the chords in his head. He re-decorated his house, cleaned out his garage and took on delivery jobs. Anything to keep those damn melodies from penetrating his fortress. He was out of luck. Musical conversations flowed through him, reminding him of his talent and longing to compose. They also brought back memories of the dropped contracts challenging him to make a choice.

Is Mervin's Passion A Pipe Dream?

Mervin was caught between a rock and a hard place. Should he take a risk and write melodies again, or should he play it safe and get a regular day job? His passion was to compose music and lyrics for movies and television shows. But what if he didn't make it? What if promises got broken again? What if no one liked his stuff anymore? What if he had missed the boat and had to face the hard facts of reality – that his passion was just a pipe dream?

Compromise Feels Like An Agent of Contamination

Taking a regular job would keep the dream alive and untainted. When life looked dreary he could call up the fantasy and imagine the thrill of hearing his music on movie sound tracks. No broken promises could mess with his fantasies. He could turn the volume up when he was sad, and turn it down when he felt good. It was the only safe way of hanging onto the purity of the precious dream. The idea of compromise felt like a contaminating agent that Mervin couldn't accept.

A Dose of Realism?

Mervin was tortured by his agonizing quandary. Together Mervin and I came to understand how painful it was to give up the image of his dream in pristine condition. As we explored his conflict he came to a crossroads. Was Mervin willing to let the dream come true even if it wasn;t exactly as he wanted it, or was he going to keep the dream safe, as an unsullied fantasy? He grew to realize that his wishes could come true, but he had to include a dose of realism into the mix.

Losing His Job Is A Blessing In Disguise

Adversity helped Mervin come down to earth without having to throw away his cherished dreams. He was able to bring the dreamer and the practical guy parts of himself to the table and hammer out a deal. Losing his job was the catalyst Mervin needed to develop some compromising muscles. He got a paid position that supported him in the short term, while he worked on his real passion. Getting his bills paid took the pressure off, and gave him freedom to compose unfettered by practical worries. Less stressed, he sold his compositions on favorable terms. Losing his job wasn't such a bad thing after all!

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

An Accident Derails Max's Life

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his journey towards a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He was livid. The shock of the accident kept his rage at bay. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor's visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company for health benefits. A law suit conveyed his fury at the negligence of his employer for non-compliance with workplace safety codes.

Cocooned in a Chrysalis Where Resentment Festers

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiance and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies come true

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn't respond to his fiance's eagerness to face the challenges ahead and adapt their plans for the future. Her encouraging comments felt like jabs, pushing him to get back on his feet before he was ready. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of his back injury, he anticipated the break up of their engagement. He goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him.

Max is Lonely and Isolated

Max's friends called, visited, and made arrangements to take him out. He couldn't bear to witness them getting ahead while he was standing still. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. Eventually the calls and visits dropped off, and Max became increasingly isolated.

Life Goes From Bad To Worse

Physicians and surgeons tried one thing after another to help heal the disc. They didn't know why he wasn't responding to state of the art surgery and rehabilitation. The insurance company refused to cover any more experimental treatments. Physical therapy offered little hope for improved mobility. The legal battle provided some compensation but no where near enough to cover medical bills, let alone living expenses.

Indignation and Outrage Erupt

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn't win bigger, his fiance who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The Power Of The Victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn't be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Transition To a New Life Was Treachery

Max wanted the world to stop at the precise moment before his fall. Responding to medications, surgeries and encouragements would be a betrayal of his prior life. Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn't want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. Transition to a new life was treachery. By keeping his prior existence on life support, Max sabotaged his chances of getting better. His physical pain and mobility problems became the symbols of the past he refused to let go of, and a future he refused to acknowledge.

Max has a choice. He can continue this death watch or he can begin the mourning process. Grief and mourning are the key to choosing vitality rather than victim hood. The first entryway to mourning is often anger. Rage has enormous energy and if aligned with the desire for life, it will act as a resurrecting force. Max has a right to be angry. Taking it out on his family and doctors is counterproductive. Harnessing the anger into a fighting spirit boosts his immune system, jump starts the healing process and encourages his loved ones to maintain their support.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after he was paralyzed by a horse riding accident. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using the force of his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people.

Max can't accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. He will need psychotherapy to help him through the grieving process while empowering him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss. He can also find a new calling – how exciting is that !!

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Suspicion Creates tension

Tim heard Josie's car pull up in the driveway. She was later than usual. He didn't buy the story about the late meeting at work. "What was the meeting like?" he urged as Josie got herself a cold drink. "Boring! you know my boss, he likes to change plans at the last minute," Josie drawled. Tim pictured Josie with Al, her team leader passing notes to him and sharing meaningful glances. "Did you want to be there?" demanded Tim." I wanted to get home and relax, but I had no choice" Josie said, feeling irritated. " What were you doing? Did you talk to Al after the meeting? Did you go for a drink with him before coming home? Why didn't you tell me about the meeting? I was waiting to eat dinner with you" Tim ranted as he spewed out his torturous feelings.

Accusations fly – You need to get fixed!

" I didn't plan anything. I couldn't be rude to Al. I got away as soon as I could." Josie began to falter as she tried to tackle the barrage of stinging insinuations.

" I bet you would rather have dinner with Al. He's more humorous and he's rolling in money." Tim baited Josie.

" I've told you a million times, I'm not interested in Al. He's just my boss. You're screwed up. I can't take this anymore. You're so suspicious it's becoming impossible to have a normal relationship with you. You need help." accused Josie. "Go to therapy, or else we are through!"

A bomb went off inside Tim

Tim was crushed. A massive lump in his throat choked off his voice of gut wrenching shock and disbelief. He felt as if a bomb had gone off inside him, blowing him up into a pile of unrecognizable smithereens. He was shaking with indignation. He was loyal, and trustworthy. He never abused Josie, or gave her any cause to doubt his commitment. He was nothing like his father who got drunk every other night and made the rest of the family pay for his bad feelings. How could Josie possibly put him in the same category?

Tim wanted to hit back

One part of him wanted to attack right back. Tim wanted to yell and scream "foul"! He wanted to slash this false and unfair portrayal Josie created of him and force her into seeing him accurately. Another part of him wanted to make her feel bad by listing all the things he did for her and their relationship. He wanted to stick it in her face and make her own up to her lies and selfishness. She should be rewarding him for the way he always put her first, not berating him for being involved in her life.

Tim prepares for a showdown

That night was one of the loneliest nights Tim had ever spent. Josie was only a few inches away, but she might as well have been in another universe. Tim was determined that she would have to come crawling to him. He had to hold onto some pride and dignity. A long sleepless night gave Tim enough time to gather the evidence, build his case and prepare his closing arguments for a showdown in the morning.

Butterflies in Tim's stomach vied with his teeth clenching grit as he laid out his grievances. He wasn't going to fold under Josie's false accusations. He presented his terms for the relationship. He stood tall, having done himself proud.

" Everything has to be your way, and if you don't get it, you take it out on me. I am not your father, so stop treating me as if I am the bogey man. You're the one who can't control yourself, just like your father!" Josie fired back.

Tim resents being the one who has to get fixed

Josie's remarks stung Tim into working in therapy with me. He resented being the one who had to be fixed. Taking fair shares of responsibility was a huge deal for Tim. His relationship account books showed the accounts paid far exceeded the accounts received total. He was in the red, and his reserves were fast depleting. It was infuriating and he had no idea how to redress the balance.

Tim had watched his mother turn a blind eye to her husband's cheating. She forgave him his lack of responsibility. No way was Tim going to do the same thing. When he was hurting Tim overshot the mark. At those moments Josie became the epitome of a family member out to screw him. He made preemptive strikes against her, only to shoot himself in the foot.

Tim got his fix. He learned to tune his receiver towards Josie's positive and loving behaviors rather than his over zealous suspicious imagination. He liked the new station, and kept the dial firmly locked in. He severed the grip that his father's behavior had on him, developed a more hopeful view of relationships, and gained a more responsive partner.

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Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna weight feels like a repulsive birthmark!

Donna's struggle with her weight never ends. She always thinks of herself as fat and ugly. Whatever she does to control it never lasts and she is left feeling worse than ever before. When things are going badly for her she feels even fatter and uglier and just wants to walk away from her disgusting body. At rough times when nothing seems to be going right she feels that this is some punishment that she has to suffer just for being who she is. In fact she thinks it's like a repulsive birthmark that is stamped on her and can never be hidden or got rid of.

Donna's painful memories seemed never ending!

Donna began remembering awful things that happened to her as a child and how she couldn't tell anyone. She had to "stuff it" if she wanted to keep the peace and be allowed to stay with her mother and stepfather. The memories were painful and made her feel dirty and unacceptable.

A long hair dream disturbs Donna

It was during one of these bad times that Donna had a dream where she was pulling out hair from her mouth. The hair strands just went on and on and on. There was no end to it. It felt awful when she woke up.

Dead hair shows Donna her weighty emotional gunk

What does the long long hair coming out of her insides mean? Hair is a dead product. Coming out of her mouth it was Donna's waste. Like the memories of her unhappy childhood, the hair just went on and on. Donna was being given an image of how much gunk she had stored inside her, that was making her fatter than she needed to be. By recalling her childhood and understanding it with me, she was able to get a vision of what her emotional stomach was storing. She got a dream picture of it all coming out, and a jolt as to just how much there was to discover, process and let go of.

Slimness and beauty push out the hair and give Donna hope

Immediately after the hair dream, Donna dreamed that she was in Sweden with a friend, and was putting on weight. She stopped putting on weight when she felt she was just right. Her friend showed Donna pictures of her from a previous time when she was much thinner. Donna was astounded that she could ever have been slim and beautiful.

The second dream gives Donna hope that her wish to be thinner has a basis in reality. The photograph is how she once was before she had to store her wretched childhood experiences as fat. Donna's unconscious healer is giving her an image that she can believe in, showing her the real inner beauty she had lost touch with. She is being told that she can eat and control herself, just as she did in the dream – that she isn't doomed to be fat and ugly. Stopping the eating in the dream when she got to a comfortable size tells her that she can find her ideal weight and stay there.

Choice Replaces the Sense of Being Doomed

Donna is beginning to identify with the part of her that can choose her weight. As she worked on her dreams with me, she gained more confidence in herself as a beautiful person inside and outside. She is having more good moments in her life when she can feel worthwhile and lovable.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shame about the remedies, but the care sure feels good!

Bonnie was a hostage to migraine attacks. They lasted for hours and she was unable to do anything but lie down in bed until it passed. Sometimes her migraine was accompanied by nausea and other times by cramps or acid reflux. Treatments from herbalists, acupuncturists, nutritionists, homeopathic doctors, spiritual healers, medical doctors and meditation did nothing to stop the onset or reduce the severity of the pain and exhaustion that accompanied the episodes. But she enjoyed the care and concern the service providers showed, and came away feeling lighter and better.

A friend’s response made the pain and nausea melt away

At a party one evening Bonnie found herself in a group with her best friend and others she didn’t know. She felt awkward. She tried to join in the conversation but it didn’t feel right. Later that evening she told her friend that she felt a migraine coming on and left the party early. Sure enough Bonnie had a humdinger of a migraine. Her head throbbed, she vomited and had trouble sleeping. The next day she felt tired and weak, unable to do all the things she had planned. She called her friend to tell her about her difficult night. Her friend came over to make sure she was okay, take the dog out for a walk and handle some mail that needed attention. Bonnie rested and was immensely grateful that her friend was available and responsive at her time of need.

The migraine hits just as a family celebration gets underway

Bonnie became increasingly uncomfortable as her nephew’s graduation approached. She wasn’t caught up in the excitement. She was juggling law school and a job which seemed much more serious than a celebration. No one seemed to understand how tough it was for her to keep it all going. No one ever offered help to ease her burden.

A migraine hit Bonnie three hours before she was to leave for the graduation. She called her brother and excused herself. She was really sick and couldn’t travel let alone sit through a long ceremony out in the sun. Bonnie’s brother and parents were very concerned about her. She sounded pretty ill and weak.

The family response was outstanding!

Bonnie was ill for a day or two. Her mother came by with some of her remedies. Her father and brother shared the job of getting her car serviced and repairs completed. Her mother and nephew tempted her with her favorite take out food. Bonnie appreciated the care, concern and practical help she got. She enjoyed the company of her family and soon got back on her feet.

Bonnie’s illness was real, debilitating and painful. She didn’t ask for it, nor did she do anything to bring it on. She took care of what she ate and drank, she exercised and took her fitness and health seriously. She meditated, trying to bring peace and serenity into her life. So why was she afflicted with migraines, cramps and nausea that stopped her from enjoying happy events?

Asking got nowhere, being sick got everyone worried. As a child when Bonnie asked for help with homework, or a playmate there was always something more important that her family had to deal with. Her needs and wishes were never a priority. Until she was sick. That became the magic formula that captured their attention and brought their caring her way. Everyone rallied around instantly, and apologized for not seeing her discomfort earlier.

The migraine hid her shame about being needy

When her normal way of asking for attention failed, Bonnie became ashamed of her needs. They must be ugly and illegitimate if her family ignored them. If she was showered with care and concern when she was sick, then being ill must be the approved way to get her share of love and attention. Bonnie’s psyche filed this information away and used it whenever she wanted and needed signs of love from her family.

Anger  and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nia was stunned when her perfect relationship ended

Nia was on top of the world. Her job was going well, and she had the best boyfriend any girl could ask for. He was attentive and affectionate. He was interested in her ideas and opinions. He showed respect for her family traditions. She felt important and needed when she supported him through tough times. His gratitude was genuine making Nia believe they were a solid couple.

The beginning of the end came the day Nia’s boyfriend didn’t take up her offer of caring for him when he was ill. Within three weeks Nia had lost her boyfriend and her hair fell out in clumps. Nia’s first response was shock and disbelief. What had suddenly changed? Why did he want to be close to her yesterday but not today? Was he hiding something? Did she miss something?

Nia's hair started to fall out causing alarm and embarrassment

Nia’s shock turned to alarm and fear when hair fell out in the shower, and covered her pillow after long nights of fitful sleep. The back of her jackets and tops trapped her falling hair, sending her into a tail spin. Lack of appetite was a blessing in disguise because she lost weight without trying. Losing sleep was a nuisance but it meant that people would notice her haggard looks and offer some consoling words. But losing her hair in such large quantities was beyond her ability to fathom. She had heard about stress causing hair loss, but she never thought that a relationship breakup would do this to her body and appearance.

Nia was unprepared for the stress of relationship trauma

Nia couldn’t talk to anyone. She didn’t want to worry her parents as her father wasn’t in the best of health and her mother was concerned about him. She was the eldest child and always taken care of her younger sister. She didn’t feel she could turn the tables on her sibling. Everyone thought she was the strong one of the family and had always relied on her to take care of things.

Nia had prided herself on managing relationship problems within her family. She saw how difficult it was for her mother and sister to recover from distressing events and took care to be self-sufficient and in control. Taking care of others was her way of being attached and feeling valuable. She was great at listening to the feelings of family, friends and of course her boyfriend. She bolstered others, leaving herself prone to unforeseen stresses without adequate coping mechanisms.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

What's the research got to say on stress and Alopecia?

Nia’s relationship breakup triggered Alopecia areata, hair loss from the scalp that occurs in certain areas of the head, known as ‘spot baldness.’

A 2004 study reported in the International Journal of Dermatology confirmed many others that found links between a stressful life event triggering the onset of Alopecia.

A 2007 report in the European Journal of Dermatology found that 65% of Alopecia sufferers had at least one stressful event immediately preceding hair loss. Relational and family problems were the triggering events in almost 50% of cases.

What's the research on the psychological profile of Alopecia sufferers?

A 2003 study reported by the Academy of Psychosomatic Medicine found that Alopecia sufferers were less likely to have good social and emotional support systems.

Difficulty labeling and talking about their feelings (alexithymia) was more likely in Alopecia cases.

Insecure attachment was more common in Alopecia cases, in particular the dismissive insecure style which can block nurturing from others. Those who are 'dismissive' in their attachments tend to fear let downs and protect themselves by pushing away potential supporting connections. They don't trust others to be consistent and reliable in their care, so they push them away before the let down can happen.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

What were Nia's risk factors for responding to stress with Alopecia?

Nia didn’t have a good social or emotional support system. She was the support system for her family and her boyfriend. That was a big vulnerability factor for alopecia. Many people with insecure attachments tend to become care takers for loved ones so that it keeps them close both physically and emotionally. But due to inconsistent and insufficient care from their others, they learned to do without. Nia fell into this category. She had grown up taking care of other people’s feelings and had never learned to notice her own until they became as visible and serious as hair loss. That meant that she had not developed the language of emotion for herself, and had no way of expressing the shock and hurt of the relationship break up. A stranger to her own emotions she had little resilience and immune response when stress hit. It rocked the foundation on which she had based her interaction and attachments – hair loss did the expressing for her.

How did Nia inoculate herself from future relationship stress?

It was the alopecia that brought Nia to psychotherapy. She talked about everyone else except herself for some weeks. The breakthrough came when she discovered how hard it was for her to receive nurturance, support and understanding. Slowly allowing herself to receive the appropriate care and support in therapy built up her emotional resilience and allowed her to find a new boyfriend. She let him give and developed a comfort with receiving. She is now better inoculated against a stressful relationship issue, and so is her hair!

take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

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Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Achieving her goals was a bit too easy for Nadine

Thirty-five year old writer and director Nadine got three clients as soon as she put the word out about her new venture as an acting coach. Her script for a TV show was accepted and she was hired to direct the production. She was amazed at how quickly and effortlessly everything was falling into place.

Nadine’s dreams were about to come true. Her talents were prized and she felt giddy with excitement. Expressing her creativity felt authentic but scary. She dared to imagine being famous. She dared to imagine herself happily married with a family. She dared to imagine having it all.

Acid Reflux and puffy eyes ruin Nadine’s new found success

The only fly in the ointment was the continuous acid reflux, swollen ankles and puffy eyes. She was eating a healthy diet, had good energy and felt accomplished. Why would her body be reacting in this manner?

As soon as Nadine pictured success and happiness she felt the acid reflux in her mouth. The images weren’t all good. She saw her father leaving the family when she was three years old. She saw her mother leaving her alone for hours at a time to fend for herself. She heard her parents voices fighting about whose turn it was to take her, and never once considering her feelings. She recalled having to be the grown up and comfort her mother who was always in a state of panic. She smelled and tasted the fear of being banished from the love of family if she dared speak up about her feelings and wishes.

When things went well in her external world, Nadine’s body went into action big time. Her ankles became heavy with fluid making her feel lethargic. The puffy eyes made her feel ugly. How could she coach, direct and be in the public eye feeling so lousy and looking so freaky? Her excitement and energy turned into a sense of futility and failure. Feeling ugly and sick was a good reason for not hiring a cast and finishing the script changes. Putting off her coaching was necessary because she couldn’t stand for long with the swollen ankles.

Should Nadine go with her success or fail and get sweet revenge?

Success would mean letting her parents get away with treating her badly. It would mean taking them off the hook. Worst of all it would suggest that what they did wasn’t that bad because her life turned out good. Climbing the achievement ladder would mean her parents wouldn’t have to pay for the damage they did to her as a kid. Making a name for herself would mean she would have to give up her vengeful thoughts and her wish to punish them. She wanted them to suffer and own their part in her childhood suffering. Success would rob her of her entitlement to demand an acknowledgment of their wrong doings, punish them and expect restitution.

Swollen ankles put a stop to continued success

Thank goodness her body put the brakes on her fast track to success! If fame and fortune could be this quick and easy, she would have to take her parents off the ‘blame hook’ for good. Nadine wasn’t ready to do that. She needed more time as a failure to rub their faces in it. She wanted to prove them bad people even if it meant her demise. Her body came to the rescue and gave her ample reason to halt her progress. Her physical symptoms acted as a protector of her strong and powerful desire to make her parents pay for what they did. It was worth the price.

How should Nadine deal with her conflicting wishes?

While Nadine’s body may protect her vengefulness and boost her sense of power, it acts as a saboteur for her future fulfillment. The war being fought between Nadine’s healthy wish to grow and her need to fail is being won by the saboteur. The saboteur comes disguised in the form of puffy eyes, swollen ankles and acid reflux, to make her roll back her development.

Nadine has a good chance of making a truce with her two battling factions. She can ask herself some important questions that can help her choose and stay on the path to success.

• How long am I prepared to wait for a sign of atonement from my parents?
• What sign will I accept?
• Will any sign be enough?
• Am I prepared to destroy my talents for the remote possibility that my parents may own up to their failures?
• How will I feel in 10 0r 15 years when I am still alone and envying my friends watching their children grow up?
• What if it’s too late to make a life for myself if and when my parents admit their mistakes?

Calling a truce and choosing fulfillment will make Natalie’s body behave itself

Let’s assume that Nadine doesn’t want to sacrifice her future in the faint hope that her parents will atone. Once she opts for success and fulfillment her body will be released from acting as the proxy for that vengeful part of her psyche. Giving herself permission to flourish and thrive will create an emotional calm and that in turn will create a physical balance. At that time Nadine can begin working on telling her parents about the hurt and anger she has stored up for so long and begin the process of living a full life without having to pardon or forget.

 Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

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Take the anger quiz and find out how you express anger and the impact it has on your relationships.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shantal Feels Dissed

Shantal's relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre's face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. She braced herself for the complaints he had stored up during her absence at a work conference. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

Frustrations Froth Up The Battle

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. She said she was tired after her trip and wasn't in the mood for sex. Andre let out a big sigh. He had been looking forward to making love with his wife. He had hoped that a few days apart would make her want him again. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage.That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn't want to cheat, and he couldn't tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Putting The Dreaded Talk Off For As Long As Possible

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal clung to every moment in the shower, jogged for a longer time, cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter. As soon as Andre sat on the sofa and asked if she was okay, she braced herself for a round of challenges that she didn't want to explore.

"Are you feeling okay?" Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

" I'm fine. Just a bit tired." Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

" It's just that you seem to be tired a lot, and it comes up every time I try to make love to you." Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

" I can't help it if I'm tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep. "Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

" What am I doing wrong? I worry that I'm not attractive to you any longer." Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

" You just don't get it do you? You criticize me if I'm tired, or if I go away for work and don't do the chores around the house. If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn't exactly make me feel like having sex with you." Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre's head.

" I don't mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What's the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates."Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Shantal Turns Off Her Sexuality

Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.

  Sex Is About Putting Up Walls and Tearing Them Down

What does having sex mean for this couple?

It isn't about expressing love or sharing physical pleasure.

It isn't about tender moments of vulnerable intimacy.

It isn't about taking the time to be with one another in a secure embrace.

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

Frank Talk Makes Sex About Love and Intimacy

Tearing down walls and putting them back up is exhausting. Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don't have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stresses of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.

More articles about why sex becomes a problem and how to remedy it

How to get affection on your schedule

Why your sex life doesn't work and three ways to revive it

Why your sex life is non-existent and how to get it going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of an eye

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Lorraine feels like a dangling yo-yo doing Joe's bidding

Joe's selfishness drives Lorraine crazy

Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She'd show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. He'd soon find out how valuable she was when he had to bathe the kids and put them to bed, and had no one to complain to about his tough day at work.

What a selfish and self-centered man he was! He had done it again- made it all about him. She asked for one weekend to spend with her girlfriend, but Joe's work commitments and deadlines came first. He objected to being the sole care taker of the kids.

Joe's predictable behavior makes Lorraine feel superior

As her rage subsided, a smug smile danced on Lorraine's face. It made her feel secure that Joe had behaved exactly as predicted. Her anger was validated. He truly deserved the bad guy label because he put himself first, last and always.

Lorraine needs to be off the hook

What's in it for kind, considerate Lorraine to be with egotistical and selfish Joe?

There are five pay offs for Lorraine to stay mad at Joe.

1. He's bad, I am good!

When he is inconsiderate and unreasonable Lorraine feels superior and good about herself. All the bad stuff seems situated in Joe.

2. He's bad, so I don't have to feel guilty or selfish!

Each time Joe puts himself first, Lorraine doesn't have to deal with her discomfort about wanting time away from the kids. If her selfish streak was let out of the bag, she would feel guilty and awful about herself. Far better to let Joe own the self-centered parts of each of them.

3. He never supports me, so now I have something to get him on!

Joe's reluctance to give Lorraine what she wants is disappointing. But it allows her to think of herself as a long suffering martyr. Resentful and full of righteous indignation, Lorraine can punish him as she sees fit. She can torture him by running off and making him worry. She can use his selfish acts as whips to lash him with whenever she needs to feel powerful and in control.

4. Joe is responsible for making me feel so awful!

By handing over the reins to Joe Lorraine makes it about him by putting him in charge. She makes him the captain of the ship and then gets enraged when he exercises the authority to steer the course he thinks best.

5. He needs to change, not me!

Entrusting Joe with the sole responsibility for her happiness means that Lorraine sets herself up for a great deal of heartache, stress and low self-esteem. She sabotages herself by giving control to Joe.

However she is willing to pay that price so long as she can blame him for being mean and uncaring. Since he is the bad guy, he is the one who has to change. As the good guy Lorraine is let off the hook and avoids accessing her personal resources for managing her life.

Lorraine needs to nurture herself with a  wide range of supports

How can Lorraine feel good without making Joe bad?

1.By making arrangements in advance with family, friends, neighbors and Joe for the care of the children when she wants to get away.

2.By involving her team in supporting her plan. That makes Joe feel useful rather than burdened. Joe is more likely to encourage her to take a much needed break.

3. By taking the lions share of responsibility in achieving her goals makes it more likely that she will feel fulfilled. Joe will be attracted to her independence and want to be included in her ventures.

4. Lorraine has to chose self-empowerment more than the superior feeling and vindication she gets when she punishes Joe.

5. Switching from battle mode where there is only one victor to a win-win mode allows both Lorraine and Joe to feel good. That involves giving up the belief that relationships are all about

" I did — for you, so I expect and demand that you do — for me."

Lorraine has to do things in her marriage because she wants to, not only because of what it may bring her in return.

6. This may be difficult for Lorraine to get her head around. At this moment there is a pay off for her in setting Joe up to be the bad guy. Her reward is feeling saintly. If she is willing to allow both of them to have good bits and bad bits instead of apportioning them out, she can be find greater acceptance of herself and her partner, making the relationship flexible and battle free.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Irritable Bowel Disease makes Meryl want to stay home

Meryl woke up often through the night with abdominal pain and cramping. During the day she often felt bloated and uncomfortable. It messed with her appetite and eating routines. The constant tenderness in her gut made her afraid of going outside her home and work place. She worried about being near rest rooms. She was embarrassed about leaving events frequently to visit the rest room with no apparent relief. She never told anyone and pretended all was well.

Silence was Meryl's best weapon against emotional abuse

Meryl usually kept her feelings and opinions to herself. She had long since learned that the one sure fire way to avoid rocking the boat was to keep quiet. It wasn’t safe saying what she felt if her mother would go into a tail spin and shower her with a spate of hurtful remarks that she was powerless to defend against. It was dangerous to play with her father’s wrath if she dared to speak for herself. The only times she did so resulted in being torn to shreds and then ignored for weeks. Taking the blame for things that went wrong in the family seemed to make everyone else accept her, and reduce the condemnations. Self-silence and self-blame were the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that came with expressing her feelings.

Looking good in public was Meryl's ticket to feeling good

Meryl felt good about herself as a professional that other people respected. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that feeling of being admired and valued. She was the first to own the blame and fix problems at work. That was her insurance against nagging thoughts about what others may be thinking of her. It was like an automatic reflex that went into action the second someone she cared about was upset or angry. Self-silence and self-blame became Meryl’s way of protecting herself against the sense of helplessness and worthlessness that came with emotionally abusive interactions.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome was the culprit ruining Meryl's life

Meryl did a lot of research on her symptoms, altered her diet, took supplements and kept herself hydrated with water. She regulated her times of eating and made sure she fed herself regularly with small easy to digest meals. But nothing seemed to make a difference. It was time to consult with the experts. Meryl’s nursing background came in useful. She knew who to talk to and what questions to ask. A series of tests ruled out Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Colitis, and Chron's disease.

The diagnosis was Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) of the constipation type. It is a functional disorder in that physical symptoms persist in the absence of any structural or biochemical abnormalities. Twice as many women as men suffer from IBS.

Meryl was shocked and upset because it meant that there was no ‘cure.’ All she could do was ease the symptoms with medications when the flare ups were severe.

Research evidence on IBS and emotional abuse

A. An article in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine published in 2000 reported a strong link between emotional abuse and IBS among women.

B. IBS sufferers have a heightened need for social desirability (as reported by the Journal of Gastroenterology in 1990, and the International Journal of Psychiatric Medicine in 1992).

C. Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, so there is an increased need to look good, to be socially desirable. The need to have a good image conflates with the need to protect others from feeling bad, and triggers coping mechanisms like self-silencing and self-blame.

D.Self-silencing is a way of maintaining intimate relationships by silencing thoughts and feelings, resulting in a devaluing of the self. It is a way of avoiding emotional abuse.

E.Self-blame is another way of avoiding emotional abuse. It works by lowering self-esteem and accepting responsibility for negative events. Better to blame yourself than be skinned alive with abuse from so called loved ones.

F.Self-blame and self-silencing increase stress.

G.Stress hormones like cortisol exacerbate symptoms of IBS and reinforces the negative downward spiral.

Communicate feelings and thoughts for improved gastric health

1. Meryl can turn the tide for herself by taking the risk of speaking her mind.

2. She can practice sharing her thoughts and feelings with herself at first.

3. Next she can write them down.

4. Finally she can begin sharing one or two thoughts and feelings with trusted colleagues.

5. Allowing others to share in the responsibility when things go wrong will make Meryl experience a more realistic world, where she won’t have to protect herself against anticipated emotional abuse.

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