Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sexual Desire Gets Killed Off with a wall of anger

The fantasy of warm, exciting but familiar sex had been shattered. The carefully planned romantic dinner topped off with sex had been destroyed. Dan's wife's fussed about the restaurant, killing his desire. Like an awkward stranger riding home he didn't say a word. Back home every noisy exaggerated movement  he made as he got busy doing chores was calculated to highlight his sense of martyrdom.

The Unforgiving Anger

Weary of the tension between them Cherie cuddled up to Dan in bed that night. She wanted to feel close to her husband again. Sex was the best way of making up, feeling good and repairing the breech. The foreplay began with Cherie stroking and kissing Dan in all the places she knew that turned him on. Dan moved away. He didn't want to forgive her that easily.

Resentment Results in Impotence

In the next two weeks Dan's mood softened and he found himself wanting sex badly. He was irritable, short tempered and tired of his self-imposed celibacy. He found himself getting instantly aroused at work when female colleagues were near by. He was consumed with the thought of sex, preventing him from concentrating on work. It was time to resume having sex with his wife. Exciting and erotic images of sex with Cherie culminated in him taking the initiative one night. Her eager response was instantly arousing. No more foreplay was necessary. He was ready for intercourse.

But just at that crucial moment he went limp.

How Fury Led To Erectile Dysfunction

When Dan got mad at Cherie for not appreciating his efforts, and for ignoring his needs, he had to survive an attack on his self image. The best way to bolster his sense of self-worth was to get angry. That made him feel righteous and entitled to deprive her of sex. Resentment towards Cherie turned into a need for vengeance. The need to punish her killed off feelings of sexual desire.

Days later when he had recovered from the rejection, Dan's sexual desires returned. But the sexual circuitry in his body wasn't ready to risk being vulnerable with the person who had badly wounded him only a couple of weeks ago. Danger signals were being sent to his body preventing Dan from having an erection. His mind and body were on different rhythmic schedules.

Four Steps For Dan To Disconnect His Anger From Sexual Performance

1. Write down the unspoken contract he made with Cherie in his mind.

It may say something like " You will enjoy and appreciate my way of pleasing you at the time of my choosing." Seeing this expectation in black and white gives Dan a chance to become aware of what he is demanding and whether it is realistic.

2. Dan should consider who he is trying to please.

If he truly wants to please Cherie, he would do better to plan around her mood, and offer gifts when she is receptive, rather than trying to manipulate her emotions to suit his needs. Paradoxically, he would then feel good because she responded well. If he is trying to please himself then he is setting himself up for disappointment because he cannot predict and control Cherie's reactions.

3. Dan needs to decide whether he wants a puppet or a partner.

If Dan is resentful and irritated, his frustration puts him into control mode. At those moments he will want Cherie to be his puppet. He will get furious when he cannot control the puppet, making him impotent.

If he feels concern and empathy with Cherie, he wants a partner. He is in tune with Cherie and enjoys her genuine pleasure when they do things together. He's more flexible, timing his gifts for maximum effect. Intimacy will be enhanced and his sexual apparatus will feel safe enough to do it's job when he asks it to perform.

4. Dan needs to share his expectations and disappointments with Cherie.

Conversing with Cherie about her needs and preferences gives her the message that Dan cares as much about her pleasure as his own. Dan will no longer have to chose between pleasing himself or Cherie. Nor will he have to meet his own sexual needs by impressing her with fancy dinners or expensive gifts.

Mutual enjoymnent of sex begins and depends on an ever constant conversation about each other. The flow of words translates into a flow of sexual intimacy. Affection increases and leads to a more natural sex life. Instead of sex being used to score points, punish, or mend fences, it signifies love, admiration and attraction for one another.

Chosing a partner over a puppet allows Dan's body to be ready anytime he wants!

You may also like:

Why your sex life doesn't work and three ways to revive it

Why your sex life is non-existent and how to get it going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of an eye

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Choose! Your Mother Or Me!

Despite five years of living with Martin, Tanya was still competing with Martin's mother for the top spot in his attentions. She wanted to feel his soft responsiveness – she Tanya wanted to be his one and only. She had a very clear picture of how things should be if Martin was truly committed to her The zoom lens in her mind zeroed in on Martin and Tanya holding hands in the forefront. All other family members were wallpaper in the background.

A savage bile rose in Tanya's throat as she heard Martin talk to his mother on the phone. His patient, understanding and placating voice made Tanya want to cut the wire on the land line and smash up his cell phone.

Tanya Presents An Ultimatum

" I expect you to be with me at my office awards function tomorrow" Tanya threw out at Martin as he got off the phone with his mother.

" Look Tanya, I know it is an important day for you, but my mother isn't doing well. Her blood pressure is up, and I need to take her to the doctor " replied Martin pleading to be let off the hook.

" Her blood pressure is always high, and you fall for it every time! What about my blood pressure? I'm sick of playing second fiddle. I don't know how much more of this I can take. If you care about our future together, you will come to my office party tomorrow " Tanya snarled back.

" She doesn't always report the side effects of her medication so I need to be there to get it all straight. You know I can't be fully present with you if I am worrying about her." Martin said, ending the struggle.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Tanya Gives Martin The Cold Shoulder

Seething with anger and humiliation Tanya stormed off. For the next few days she donned the hat of supreme self-reliance banishing Martin from her heart and mind. This was the fight of her life. It was her chance to insist on having a relationship on her terms.

Martin is Desperate To Win Tanya Back

As time wore on, Martin felt empty and lonely. Playing the responsible son didn't feel so good anymore. He had lost his life line to his partner. He felt ashamed that being such a caring son could cost him big time. So he made frantic efforts to penetrate Tanya's well sealed sanctuary.

Suffering Tanya and Martin Forgive but Don't Forget

In her fortress Tanya shifted from righteous indignation towards loneliness and hurt. She spurned Martin's efforts to make up, until hurt and isolation overwhelmed her pride. Eventually their mutual hunger to restore the status quo propelled them to forgive one and other. Both vowed to be more understanding and supportive during times of conflict. Until the next time Tanya felt she was in competition with Martin's mother for his attention. And so the cycle continued.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Should Martin Jump Out Of the Pan Into the Fire?

Martin was attracted to Tanya's strong will, determination and independence. He envied her confidence to do as she pleased. He loved her ability to be direct and up front about what she thought and felt. There was something comforting in her certainty. Ever since his father died Martin had been the man in the family. Torn between being the apple of his mother's eye and the love of Tanya's life, he was overwhelmed with conflict. The silver lining showed through when he felt the strong pull of both women wanting him. That was worth all the agonies he endured.

Tanya Wants All Or Nothing

Tanya was drawn to Martin's close family ties that lasted well into adulthood. If things didn't work out for Martin he always had his family to fall back on. Not her, she had no one. She had brought herself up, relying on no one but herself. But now she wanted some of that for herself. She wanted to have that strong tie, just like Martin had with his mother. She had waited long enough to find the right person. Martin had seemed just right for the job. He was warm, loving, loyal and a good listener. The only trouble was, Tanya wasn't willing to share. It had to be all or nothing. He had to give up his mother and choose Tanya to prove his love.

Tanya and Martin Both Feel Powerless

Both Tanya and Martin share a sense of powerlessness. Tanya the independent one wants to depend on Martin. She is unable to wrest him away from his mother and claim him for herself. Martin wants to be independent of his mother but not get sucked into another dependent relationship with Tanya. What if Tanya leaves him and he has no mother to fall back on?

Unhooking From the Power Pegs

Both have an excellent chance of making their relationship work if they follow these guide lines. Psychotherapy will help both become stronger in themselves, more flexible and more tolerant of one another.

1. Martin has to develop boundaries that are able to safeguard him from fear of being engulfed.

2. Martin needs to experiment with acting on his own initiative and build his emotional muscles

3. Tanya needs to play with her definition of love, making it more elastic and allowing for ebbs and flows depending on circumstance

4. Tanya needs to tell herself that she doesn't have to win a war in order to be worthy of being loved.

Research indicates that couples have the best chance of maintaining a solid connection if they learn to feel gratitude towards one another and if they genuinely forgive the everyday hurts that come with the territory.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Patsy swallows her feelings and gets tired out

Patsy spent her forty-fifth birthday with her elderly mother who complained about the food being cold and bland. Patsy bit her tongue and tried to make something more appetizing. Her sister called to wish her a happy birthday, then made excuses as to why she couldn’t take care of their mother next weekend. Patsy was outraged that she was expected to be the dutiful child while her siblings got away with it. She ground her teeth, stuffed the indignation and continued with her chores. She was tired and didn’t want to create family tensions.

At the birthday dinner that evening Patsy heard Jasper and the kids fight. She was upset that the family bickering never took a rest. She was hurt that no one considered her feelings. She felt lonely, sad and unimportant at that moment. Fighting back tears, Patsy took a sip of water and swallowed her feelings. She stepped in and made the peace. Drained of energy and enthusiasm Patsy pretended to enjoy herself when the cake and candles arrived.

Patsy's stuffed emotions erased her energy

Patsy was tired and achy the next day. She wished she could just put her body down and walk away from it. She didn’t want to shop and make dinner. She didn’t want to pick up the kids from school. She didn’t want to do the laundry or take the dog for a walk. If only she could stay in bed and watch television, and never have to worry about anyone or anything else.

Patsy is exhausted but her family think she is pretending

Waking up feeling wiped out was familiar. This had been going on for a few months. Her doctor gave her tonics, supplements and vitamins but nothing helped. Her blood work came back normal and no hormonal imbalance was detected after a thorough panel of tests. Her family mocked her tiredness feeling like she was putting it on.

A diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) Shames Patsy

The diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome stunned Patsy and her husband. How could she have this condition for which there was no physical cause? It just didn’t make sense that her body was suffering real exhaustion and lack of energy when every organ and system was working efficiently. Patsy felt accused of malingering. She felt ashamed to speak about her constant fatigue without having a medical reason for it. Unable to handle the implication that she was a bit ‘screwed up’ and weak, Patsy refused to join a support group. She decided to struggle on and push past the exhaustion.

Patsy is so tired she forgets things and puts her family in danger

Patsy began forgetting things. She was making mistakes and getting easily distracted. She began to cry quietly in the car when she missed her turns, forgot to pick up her son from basketball practice and left the stove on all day when she ran out of the house in a hurry. The harder she tried to remember what jobs to do, when and in what order, the more fatigued she got. It was becoming very tough to concentrate fully on keeping everything running smoothly. Her bones ached and her muscles just didn’t want to move. She was worried about letting her family down. But she never said anything about her fears, her worries and her alarm about her errors and memory problems.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Research evidence about Chronic Fatigue Syndroms

Trauma, stress and suppressing of emotions are factors in CFS

Patsy experienced childhood trauma, prolonged stress and experienced much psychological distress. Research has detected links between these three factors and the likelihood of getting CFS in later adulthood.

The Center for Disease Control reports on a study published in 2006 that links stress and childhood trauma to later life Chronic Fatigue syndrome.

The experience of marked and sustained psychological distress was found to be a distinguishing factor in CFS sufferers as reported in a 1997 study by the Institutes of Health.

A 2007 study also reported by the Institutes of health indicates that not being able to talk about your emotions (alexithymia) is often a marker of CFS sufferers.

Patsy finally deals with her emotions when her fatigue leads to serious mistakes

The weight of Patsy’s stress, unacknowledged emotions and distress made her chronically fatigued. It was so huge she buckled. The suppressed feelings overflowed into other areas, affecting her memory, clarity of thinking and ability to make sound judgments. Basically Patsy collapsed under the burden of undigested emotions. Alarm let her to therapy. She learned that feelings are normal and useful. She began to connect to all those experiences that had broken her heart. Her energy levels returned. As she found strength in expressing herself so her body regained it’s strength and vigor. Patsy is learning to talk about her feelings as she experiences them with her family and friends. There is a feeling of lightness in her muscles and bones. She plays a round of golf every morning and is volunteering at her local preschool.

Take the intimacy quiz and discover your comfort level with sharing emotions

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

No Welcome Home Made Jeremy Angry

There was no happy smile. There was no light in her eyes. There was no bear hug. There was no gasp of welcoming delight. Jeremy's expectation of a warm and affectionate homecoming was decimated. Wasn't it only yesterday that they had exchanged messages of longing to see one another? Wasn't it only a minute ago that his whole body was throbbing in anticipation of feeling held by his wife as if he was her most precious possession? What could have changed in such a short time? Shock, disappointment and anger began to rise up and choke him.

" What happened to my welcome home greeting? Guess I'm out of luck! Jeremy commented pointedly.

Brandy's Wall Is Up

" Sorry, I can't do that. You are going hiking this weekend, so my wall is up." Brandy tried to explain.

Incensed with anger and frustration Jeremy poured out a brew of hurt and disappointment, steeped in protest.

" I'm sick of your stuff getting in the way of our relationship. I don't give a damn about your wall, or why you need to put it up. Why can't you put your stuff aside for just a minute and make room for me?"  he demanded.

" I'm tired of you making demands on me. I can't turn on and off to suit you. I have feelings too!" Brandy asserted.

Where is The Wife He Signed Up For?

A torrent of justifications rushed through his mind as he unpacked.

" I'm going hiking for the weekend – you'd think she would want to get some hugs in before I go! I don't know what crazy ideas get into her head and I don't care. I'm tired of trying to figure her out. I don't see why I should have to jump her stupid wall! She needs to climb out and be the wife I signed up for!"

All Jeremy Wants is To Feel Wanted

All he really wanted was to get a tangible sign that Brandy wanted him as much as he wanted her. He felt his efforts at communicating in this marriage were wasted and wondered how much longer he could tolerate going down this one way street.

Jeremy Misses The Signs of Love In Brandy

As the weekend approached Jeremy got more angry. Once again it seemed like he had to take the initiative and make nice. He always had to do the work if he wanted to feel secure in the relationship. He approached his wife as if she were a cold, withholding mean person. He didn't see the quiver in her chin. He didn't see the desperation in her eyes. He didn't hear the sad voice trying to be brave.

Jeremy had no idea that Brandy was trying to hold herself together. He had no clue that she was scared of showing her feelings. He was oblivious to her longing for him to hug her and tell her she was the most precious thing in his life. They both behaved like robots.

Jeremy Loses Touch With His Loving Wife

How come Jeremy was blind to Brandy's longing? Why did he see only coldness and rejection?

When Jeremy didn't get his hug, his sense of outrage blocked out memories of their warm and tender moments. Brandy's comforting qualities ceased to exist. Brandy's past words of love and desire were obliterated. All he could see, hear and feel was coldness. He wiped out the tenderness leaving himself with the coldness. He saw half a wife, the mean side!

By Asking For A Hug Jeremy Feels Important

By asking for a hug in a sincere and spontaneous manner, Jeremy need never get disconnected from the warm side of Brandy again, because he allows all of her to be present. He gains in the long run because he will connect with her need for him, making him more secure and less angry. She doesn't have to cut herself up into little pieces and give only the part he wants at the time he demands it. The couple tune into one another and connect at a level that is mutually reassuring and comforting.

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Nice guys felt like a noose around Sharon's neck

Why Do Nice Guys Make Sharon Panic?

Sharon enjoyed the flirting until Rudolph asked if she'd like to go out with him on a date. In the blink of an eye she said "Oh, I can't. I'm really tied up and I'm not sure when I'll be free." It was as if Rudolph had pushed a panic button inside her and she had to destroy everything in her path to escape the danger that erupted out of nowhere.

Relief swept over Sharon as she drove home. But she couldn't sleep. During the next few days she felt that old familiar sadness overwhelm her again. If only Rudolph would call. When he had walked over to her at the party she had come alive. He was just the sort of man she wanted, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, self-assured and seemingly well off. She smiled thinking about how she played hard to get before she allowed him to catch her.

Why Does Sharon Reject the Very Thing She Wants?

Because she wants two different things at the same time. The trouble is she is only aware of one of them- wanting a nice guy and a successful relationship. But there is also something else she craves and that is to feel powerful, and in charge of her life. She isn't in touch with her need for power, so she can't figure out why she keeps sabotaging good relationships. She is mystified as to why what seems wonderful at the beginning turns sour very soon afterwards.

How did Sharon Develop a self-sabotage strategy?

Once upon a time when Sharon was a little girl the grown ups around her disappointed and hurt her. The only power and control she had at the time was to reject them when they tried to make nice. Paying them back by hurting and rejecting them was the only weapon she had to feel in control. It worked like a dream. Unfortunately Sharon never learned to develop other ways of feeling strong and in charge of her life. So she continues to use the old ways that now work against her. Now she is the loser. She sabotages her own hearts desire.

Two voices compete for attention

Who is going to win -Power mad Sharon or Lonely Sharon?

Sharon's two competing parts are Power hungry Sharon, and Lonely Sharon. Power mad Sharon thinks lonely Sharon is a loser, easily seduced and just plain dumb. She can't trust lonely Sharon to judge the sincerity of guys. Just look at her track record!

Lonely Sharon falls for the sweet words and becomes a submissive lamb. Power crazed Sharon has to watch her like a hawk and swoop in before it's too late. She doesn't want to be left picking up the pieces of lonely Sharon's broken heart again.

So, power mad Sharon allows lonely Sharon a bit of rope. "Go on, you can flirt a bit, enjoy it while you can." But the moment lonely Sharon decides to take it a step further, power mad Sharon gets the guns out and blows the guy out of the water. Power mad Sharon enjoyed the chase but is ecstatic when she saves lonely Sharon from messing up.

Power crazy Sharon wins the battle. She feels proud of herself for being a good protector. Unfortunately she oversteps the mark every time, crushing the chances of lonely Sharon ever having a secure and trusting relationship.

But Sharon wouldn't deliberately Sabotage herself?

That's right, if she was aware of how she may be acting against her own interests, she would not see the guy as a monster. She really does want a partner, but she also wants to protect herself from being let down, and thrown out for a newer model. The fear of being let down is so huge that she uses her power as a sledge hammer to demolish every potential relationship before she has had a chance to see if they were safe.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Sharon feel powerful and be in a relationship?

There are five steps that Sharon can take that will increase her chances of a making a good connection without living in fear of being dumped.

1. Ask herself what she likes and dislikes about the guy if there seems to be mutual attraction. Look for evidence of the good and bad things, so that her lens is neither too rosy nor too black. That balance will help keep her as objective as possible, making sabotage much less likely.

2. Take the time to check in with herself about what she wants from the potential relationship. This includes physical attraction, financial security, humor, empathy, as well as the ability to read her and respond that neither invades her boundaries nor leaves her out in the cold.

3. Speak to the guy about what she wants in real time as it happens, so he will understand her needs and attempt to meet her expectations. This act alone will give her power and create good boundaries so she isn't wimpy and helpless.

4. Make space inside her for the fact that the guy may actually like her personal qualities. That will make her feel more secure and tamp down power mad Sharon's need to bring out the sledge hammer.

5. Be clear about what hurts or disappoints her as well as what she enjoys in the relationship. Communicate it as it comes up, so that there is a mixture of strength, self-confidence and self-preservation.

TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SABOTAGE TEST AND FIND OUT YOUR PROFILE

Read more about understanding the role of panic in relationship problems:

Understanding your panic attacks part 1 – facing your dilemmas

Understanding your panic attacks part 2- getting past shame

Understanding your panic attacks part 3 – fear of going it alone

Tips on anger and stress management for satisfying relationships from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Insomnia frustrates Hudson

It was getting to be a bit much. The constant waking up in the early hours, or just not being able to get off to sleep at all. His mind just wouldn't shut down. It seemed to start just as he was closing his eyes, hoping to sleep. The intrusive thoughts were relentless now that he wasn't focusing on anything else. It was as if they delighted in using the space in his brain to torment him. He thought about what he should have said and done, what he would do next time, what might happen, what others may think and worried over other scenarios that his imagination foisted on him.

Insomnia made Hudson feel out of control and unable to enjoy life

Sleepless nights turned into weeks of irritability and stress. He wished he could stop worrying about his girlfriend’s commitment to their relationship. The thought of restful sleep was alluring, but anxiety kept his mind spinning. He went over their conversations imagining the outcome if he had said one thing rather than another. He was trying to undo mistakes in his mind, or he was way ahead in the future preparing for bad things that may happen. All the good sleep hygiene rules that he followed failed to help him relax and fall asleep.

He found it hard to relax and enjoy any moment for fear he would take his eye off the ball and land up in a big mess. Stress induced insomnia, brought on more stress and that in turn made sleeping less likely.

Stress and negative childhood experiences are precursors to insomnia

A report published in Stress and Health, 2012 found that childhood but not adolescent stress was strongly linked to shorter sleep periods, longer times before falling off to sleep and more movements during sleep for individuals that continued well into adult life. Prolonged childhood stress predisposes adults to sleep disturbance irrespective of later life stresses and later onset anxiety and or depression.

A study published in 1981 in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine found that the onset of insomnia coincided with stressful life events such as losses and illnesses compared to good sleepers. The childhood experiences of insomniac’s were most likely to be characterized by

1. Poor relationships with their parents.

2. Discontent with the quality of family relationships.

3. Less than satisfying relationships with friends and colleagues as they became adults.

Hudson had little contact with his biological father, and felt guilty and ungrateful if he wanted to spend time with him. Relationships were precarious, inconsistent and unreliable, making him very insecure. He believed he had to make family members happy at all times. He He never learned how to regulate feelings since no one spoke about it or modeled it for him. Everything was seen through a rigid prism of constraint in order to remain in the family circle. He was terrified and consumed with anxiety that if he lost control of his anger it would get the better of him, resulting in permanent loss of all significant relationships.

Hudson's anxiety about not being able to make relationships leads to insomnia

As an adult Hudson was having the same trouble making good solid connections with women and friends. He had no good models to learn from, and just kept repeating the same pattern of failure. His efforts became forced, stemming from fear and a need to control. The harder he tried the worse the results. Failure led to more stress showing up in long periods of insomnia.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Hudson improve relationships and sleep again?

1. Take one moment at a time and be fully in it.

2. Focus on other people’s interest in him without trying to mold or control it.

3. Tune into the calmness and purity of the connection that has no expectations or demands.

4. Check in with himself and feel what he wants at that moment. Go with it as near to the time of awareness as possible.

5. Notice that nothing bad is happening in that present moment.

Hudson succeeds in relationships and gets to sleep!

Hudson practiced these steps while in psychotherapy and was amazed at his ability to tolerate uncertainty from one minute to the next. He began to enjoy the relationships he was building without expecting the worst. He learned that being himself was enough for others and now he is trying to make it enough for himself. As a result the stress hormones in his system abated, making it easier for him to sleep.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

suppressed anger causes stress related skin breakouts

Office politics make Maggie stressed out and sick

Maggie wanted a quiet life. The cliques and gossip in the office made her nervous. She wanted to stay on the right side of management and not make any waves. She liked the manager at the Spa, who supported her efforts to bring in new clients. He was appreciative of her willingness to stay late and take new customers at short notice. But some of the other estheticians complained. They wanted overtime, they wanted more time in-between clients and they wanted a larger cut of the fees.

Maggie wants to stay neutral, but the stressful pressure is on!

Maggie was fond of her colleagues. She enjoyed talking to them one on one, and felt good about the confidences they shared. But when they all got together in the staff lounge and started bitching about the manager, Maggie hated it. She was uncomfortable hearing grievances from the others. She didn't share their sense of being underpaid or over used. She tended to keep quiet during these get- togethers, hoping no one would notice her neutrality.

Maggie feels wound up by her colleague

No such luck. Suzie tackled her one evening as they were closing the spa together. "What do you think about us all getting more rest breaks in-between clients? You never say anything. I never know whether you are with us or against us."

" I can see why you want more time in-between sessions, but it's not that bad" replied Maggie trying to duck out of answering the question. She felt Suzie withdraw and give her the silent treatment. The stress made her stomach churn and her temples throb.

She felt rejected because she had been disloyal to her colleague. She felt punished and wished she didn't have to put up with this pulling and pushing between management and staff. It reminded her of her having to choose which parent she wanted to live with during her parents divorce proceedings. Memories of having to hurt her mother when she picked a weekend with her dad, or vice versa flooded her mind. Breaking out in skin rashes got her out of having to take sides. When she was old enough she moved far away from them, hoping never to have to make such impossible choices again.

Pushed away by colleagues, but pulled in by management adds to the stress

Jeff the Spa manager asked to speak to Maggie the next day as she started her shift. He wanted to get the skinny on what was brewing among the staff. He trusted Maggie and let her know that her cooperation would be remembered and rewarded. Maggie wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole. She didn't want to snitch, nor did she want to keep Jeff in the dark. He was good to her, and he was paying her salary. She tried to change the subject and talk about new ideas to improve the services of the spa. The phone rang just in time. She escaped, but her face, neck and arms broke out in a raw, red itchy rash.  

The anger and stress showed itself vividly with the ugly embarrassing skin breakout.

Maggie is an outcast unable to manage her fear and stress

Maggie went through the day feeling like a pariah. Her colleagues wouldn't look at her or smile at her. They ignored her at their break times, and didn't include her when they ordered lunch from the local deli. Maggie was mortified. She found it hard to concentrate on her clients. She imagined the other estheticians talking about her behind her back, viewing her as the enemy. Maggie felt alone and fearful of her position at the Spa. The only one who spoke to her was Jeff, and each time he did, the others raised their eyebrows in disdain. She was given an ultimatum at the end of this interminable day. "Either be one of us, or go with management" said Suzie.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The day of reckoning looms

Maggie didn't want to be out of favor with her colleagues. She wanted to belong to a cohesive group of work mates. How could she stomach being ostracized while still working in the same environment? She couldn't run away from them as she had done from her parents.

Maggie's facial skin erupted in huge welts just as it was time to go into the Spa next morning. There was no way she could go in looking like that, and she certainly couldn't work with clients in this condition. She was off the hook. The rash bought her some much needed time. Focusing on the urgent needs of her body took her mind off the intolerable conflict she was facing.

After all dermatological treatments proved ineffective, Maggie reluctantly came to my office. She discovered that her adult choices didn't have the power to hurt and destroy relationships as they appeared to do in her childhood. Maggie became more confident with voicing her truth. Her skin responded with gratitude. Maggie is no longer stuck on the fence. She is way out over it!

Tips on Anger management for Satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger overwhelmed Conrad when he couldn’t hang on to a relaxing day.

Conrad woke up angry and upset. Why did the good time have to end? He had relaxed, enjoyed being spontaneous and free with family and friends at the barbecue yesterday, but he was angry that it hadn’t lasted long enough. He wanted more of that feeling of utter abandonment and not caring what anyone thought. Conrad was angry that only eighteen hours later he had to settle for a fast fading memory.

Anger put the lid back on Conrad’s joy so he wouldn’t feel the loss.

A sense of loss invaded Conrad’s mood. He couldn’t allow himself to wallow in sadness, and anger borne of protest. He pulled himself together and set about getting on with the tasks of the day. As the hours flowed, Conrad felt ‘bunged up’ and irritable. He was curt in his interactions. He didn’t want to talk about or share his happy experience from yesterday. It was as if it had never happened. He put the brakes on the pleasant memories by multi-tasking and focusing on accomplishing the items on his agenda. Better to spend energy on things for which there was a tangible result than relive moments from his liberating experience of the day before. The latter only led to anger that he had been prematurely wrenched away from a rejuvenating source.

Anger helped Conrad keep his joyful but messy emotions under control.

Returning to the routines of regular life meant Conrad had to be ‘in control’ again. He had to watch for signs of excitement, joy, eager anticipation, the thrill of the unknown and the risk of letting people see him the way he really was. The earliest rumblings had to be quickly stamped on and killed. He put the shackles back on and wore a mask of robotic predictability. What was joy yesterday became ‘out of control messiness’ today. Relaxation, fun and being authentic turned into images of ‘disgusting sentimentality.’

Conrad had ‘bunged up’ his inclination to be authentic, feel his feelings without being self-conscious and be happy in his own skin. Putting a stopper on the bottle of joy and authenticity made him feel safe, contained and in control. He wasn’t allowed to enjoy life with others by being true to himself for more than a day at a time. It felt like he had exceeded his quota and now he had to be boxed in, ‘bunged up’ and not allowed out for a long time. He was afraid of allowing his feelings of joy to come out again for fear that he wouldn’t be able to modulate them.

Anger serves two important functions for Conrad.

Conrad’s experienced anger in two ways. First as a tool to stifle real and permanent feelings of enjoyment with life. The anger burned any strands of happiness that lingered beyond their allotted time. Secondly, after the massacre of joy, and no possibility of messy emotions, Conrad was safe enough to feel the anger of having to be his own executioner. Why was Conrad such a self-punishing control freak?

As a young child Conrad felt all his feelings naturally, fully, deeply and in the moment. But the reaction he got from his parents made him despise and fear his own feelings. His mother couldn’t tolerate Conrad’s genuine sadness or pain. She was unable to understand or comfort Conrad. He effectively ‘lost’ his mother by expressing his feelings organically. Conrad’s show of feelings scared his father, who set out to terminate them. There was no empathy, understanding or comfort. Just fear and abandonment.

Conrad was forced to become the terminator extraordinaire of his feelings.

Conrad learned to control his feelings from the get go so his mother wouldn’t be ‘disgusted’ and disown him. Conrad discovered that ‘bunging’ up his emotions was the only way to ensure that his father stayed calm and available to take care of him. He became the terminator extraordinaire!

Anger was used as a masochistic weapon to stomp on joy.

Just imagine the anger Conrad piled up each time he had to chop off his feelings in order to make sure his parents would stay around!

Just imagine the anger that built up when Conrad realized time and time again that his emotions were threatening to his parents, and as a result became a threat to his safety and well-being.

Just imagine the anger that boiled over and spilled into his existence when he had to curtail his enjoyment of life so that he didn’t become ‘out of control and messy!’

Just imagine the anger that Conrad got in touch with as an adult when he tasted some good times and found himself scurrying to put the shackles back on!

photo copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How Conrad can use his anger to regain his right to feel joyful.

Conrad’s anger at having to be ‘bunged up’ is healthy anger and opens up a pathway to break from the stranglehold he has imposed on himself most of his life. He has an opportunity to do a reality check and discover whether his natural feelings really are over the top, scary, and disgusting.

Conrad can recall the connection he made with all the people at the barbecue who were all with him when he lived in the moment and didn’t hold back. That is one piece of reality that shows his feelings are acceptable and facilitate bonding experiences.

He can also start to check in with himself and learn that he can modulate his emotions in a way that allows for joy over a longer term.

Anger at being his own murderer can provide Conrad with the incentive to give himself credit for being able to manage feelings without having to be a control junkie.

Giving up anger as a weapon for psychological suicide by killing joy, and embracing anger as a fuel to develop self-trust and acceptance is Conrad’s best way forward.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Read more on empathy Read more on client experiences of managing emotions in therapy

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Judgements about her parenting were like thorns arousing anger!

Charlotte was irritated with her three year old daughter who wouldn’t stop pulling the cat’s tail.

She was about ready to tear her hair out when Millie just squealed and pulled even harder with each reprimand Charlotte uttered. What really made her angry was her husband’s response.

Barry had the nerve to come over and say “I’m tired of hearing you yell at Millie when I get home from work!”

“ So why don’t you give me some tips on being a better parent!” Charlotte said, while hoping to pick up some successful strategies without having to admit her desperation.

“Why can’t you just be more patient!” Barry replied impulsively but truthfully.

“ You should have stayed at work!” Charlotte said, twisting the knife into Barry’s sore spot.

“Stop ordering me around. I hate it when you speak to me as if I’m an idiot.” Barry hit back.

fear at skeletons coming out of the closet sparked anger

Overwhelming anger was much safer than feeling sad and helpless

Barry was furious that he was being rejected

Charlotte was angry that she was being judged.

Both got defensive and attacked each other to protect themselves from further blows.

Both avoided facing a worse feeling – pain and sadness.

Anger protects Charlotte and Barry from feeling wiped out

Getting in touch with sadness and grief can be overwhelming. You fear that it will be like a big black greedy hole sucking you in like a turbo charged vacuum cleaner. You imagine that you will never be able to get back out and function in a meaningful way. You will be helpless and hopeless. Deep sadness can threaten to rob you of your sense of power and control, because it touches you in a place where you are at the mercy of a loved one’s attention. The full force of loss hits you in a way that is unbearable. Facing the loss of attention and focus of your loved one may as well mean you don’t exist.

What is the awful sadness that Barry and Charlotte can't face?

Charlotte’s sadness stems from the fact that.

1. She can’t control her daughter and feels like a bad mother.

2. Her husband doesn’t notice her struggle.

3. Her husband doesn’t show her how to handle the situation.

4. Barry doesn’t teach her how to be patient

5. She is left feeling helpless and unsupported by the one person who she looks to for help

6. She may as well not exist.

Barry’s sadness arises from the sense that

1. He can’t get his wife to see the futility of her ways with Millie.

2. His wife doesn’t make him feel needed.

3. He feels unimportant and useless.

4. His way of helping isn’t received in a positive manner.

5. He is dismissed when he steps in.

6. He may as well not exist

anger shuts the door on closeness and mutual support

Anger gives you vitality – but you lose the intimacy you crave

• Anger is a great way to defend against your fear of loss and feeling wiped out as a result.
• But you pay a big price.
• You may feel fully alive and vital.
• You may feel entitled to your view of the situation.
• But you are cut off from the other person’s point of view and see only half the picture.
• Possibilities for understanding and connection are destroyed.

How to use sadness rather than anger to improve relationships

1. Consider your loved one as having similar needs to yourself

2. Picture your loved being sad just like you.

3. Let sadness be your common ground

4. Ask your loved one about their fears regarding fears about being judged by you.

5. Share your own concerns about how you will be judged if you admit your faults.

6. Connect in the space where you are both sad.

Benefits to both parties

A. Realizing you are not alone in the sadness will make it bearable.

B. Reaching out for connection through sadness will lessen the fear of being wiped out, and ultimately reduce the need for defensive anger.

C.You complement one another so that you are a team rather than two separate people vying for the title of ‘perfect person.’

D.Supportive interactions using sadness rather than defense through anger makes you stronger and more secure.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you might have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shirking duties was guaranteed to get Ezra angry

With a heaving chest and throbbing temples, Ezra clenched his jaws in anger when he found that the vegetables at the restaurant were unprepared. It was bad enough that local farmers had not supplied the eggplant he ordered for his signature dish. To find that Danny, his deputy hadn’t trimmed the artichokes was unbelievable. Anger turned to rage as Ezra started to cut away at the artichokes imagining punishing Danny with each knife stroke.

Danny arrived ten minutes later and was greeted with a scathing attack, questioning his judgment, and his commitment to Ezra’s standards and goals for the restaurant.

 Being left to clear up the mess made Ezra an angry and unforgiving task master

“How could you do this? Don’t you know how important this new menu is? You knew we had to change the dish at the last minute and still you didn’t bother to get things ready! I don’t get how you could be so thoughtless and irresponsible? Not only did I have to think of an alternative, get the artichokes and change the menu, but now I have to do your job as well! Ezra’s face became a ball of fire as anger took over the reins.

Who would be next to be scalded by Ezra's indiscriminate anger?

Flabbergasted at his boss’s angry outburst, Danny shrank back in shock. There was a hush in the kitchen as Ezra’s anger threw accusatory bullets of disapproval at them as his eyes darted from one to the other. Each one began a super fast mental scan to search for things he could find fault with, and be next in line for his wrath. It was becoming a familiar scene – Ezra expecting them to do their jobs as if they were him, and when they didn’t, his anger scalded them as if he’d dropped them in boiling water.

Ezra's anger was born from being dismissed and ignored as a child

Ezra hadn’t always been this way. He had been a quiet and gentle person, never mentioning his disappointments. He had learned early in life that his mother wasn’t going to be around when he got home from school, and that she wasn’t concerned about how he was doing or feeling. A dismissing mother and an invisible father made Ezra feel unfairly orphaned and bitterly angry. The anger was stifled as he became self-sufficient out of necessity, and gave the impression that he needed no one.

Except when it came to work. That’s where Ezra felt safe enough to let out the steaming anger. The sight of those unprepared artichokes turned Danny into his bad parents, and Ezra became the furious punishing child.

Turning the anger on himself protected Ezra's fragile relationships

Self-loathing filled Ezra’s existence for hours after his outbursts. He was embarrassed and ashamed at his loss of control. Not only was Ezra angry at the staff for not doing their jobs according to his expectations, but he got even more angry with himself for showing his anger. Fury and disappointment at the workers got turned into self-flagellation, punishing himself for acting like a child having a tantrum.

Self-inflicted anger poured salt on Ezra's wounds

Ezra’s self-inflicted anger was masochistic, pouring salt on the wound of having his expectations dashed, yet again. Alone and scared Ezra read books and researched the internet for strategies to manage his emotions He got the facts about anger and memorized the most useful tactics that applied to his situations, but when he was faced with someone he relied on not doing their job and dumping it on him, he blew up every time.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Horror, humiliation and hurt led Ezra to a place of healing

This incident with Danny was the most humiliating moment of Ezra’s life. Horror at his angry behavior turned up the volume on his self-disgust and hatred, making him scared to be with people. The pain of not having the parents he was entitled to and the shame of behaving so badly propelled Ezra to psychotherapy. As he overcame his shame and impatience he learned that he had never forgiven his parents for not being there for him. Anyone who didn’t do their job right or made a mistake got a beating meant for his parents. At least he could get an apology from them that would never come from his parents.

As he worked through these pieces of unfinished business that acted as incendiary devices, Ezra learned to tell the difference between parental abrogation of duty and let downs from others. The solid, reliable and consistent therapeutic relationship helped Ezra interact with people as they were, rather than as stand-ins for his unsupportive parents. Ezra is now compassionate with himself and others.

Read more about feeling needy in relationships.