Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.
 

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and hate consumed Sebastian

Anger that his marriage hadn’t worked out the way he hoped washed over Sebastian from the minute he woke up. He was angry with his selfish wife. He was angry that she didn’t seem to want to help their son with his homework or encourage him in sports. Sebastian was angry that he had to take care of everything at home while Loretta showed little concern for the family.

Anger became stronger when Sebastian compared work to home life

Teaching music to kids at school was his only escape. The lack of joint rhythms in his marriage was countered by the magical blending of sounds the children made into enjoyable harmonies. However, the fact that Sebastian could get the kids to act together for a common goal made him all the more angry that his efforts to do the same with his marriage failed.

Anger at not picking the right wife made Sebastian beat up on himself

Most of all Sebastian was angry with himself for picking Loretta as a wife. He berated himself for being blind to her faults when they were courting. Sebastian felt adored and wanted by Loretta before they married. He imagined she would focus on him and the family they made with an energy that would prove her devotion and his worth. Sebastian saw the chance to have a reliable and sacrificial caring partner who would put family first. What he got shattered his dreams. The birth of their son turned her into a tired, complaining wife who did less and less for the family. Sebastian got more and more irritated, resentful and angry that his burden was increasing while Loretta became more insular.

Anger at being forced into breaking up the family was horrifying

Divorce had crossed his mind several times. Each time Sebastian felt upset and angry with Loretta, his determination to get divorced got stronger. The moment he came to begin the process he would freeze with fear and anxiety. He cycled through this “on and off” conflict millions of times over the last two years. He just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of breaking up his family horrified him. He was angry that he had been put in a position of acting like his father who had left his family.

If only Loretta would leave! It would take the pressure off Sebastian. It would absolve him of being the family murderer. Sebastian’s anger with Loretta’s insensitivity took a toll on his health. He got sciatica and severe headaches which took him out of action. He managed to continue working and got relief and pleasure from that. At home the anger and pain got stronger. He had to stay in bed for long periods, leaving his wife and son to manage by themselves.

Masochistic anger that made Sebastian sick got him out of the trap

Sebastian was caught in an unenviable trap. He wanted out of his marriage but he didn’t want to be the one to break it up. He wanted to undo his bad choice but he didn’t want to feel like a killer. He wanted to find a more satisfying relationship but he didn’t want to live with the guilt of being a home breaker. He just couldn’t find the strength and resolve to cut his losses and improve his life and that of his son. Loretta hadn’t cheated on him or done anything he could use as a legitimate reason for divorce. She just wasn’t the devoted and care taking spouse he desired. She was more like his own mother, depressed and ineffectual. Sebastian’s mother had never got over the desertion of her husband. His mother had become withdrawn and did the minimum to maintain the family system.

Physical pain was easier to bear than feelings of intense anger

Anger helped Sebastian to avoid his fear and guilt. Anger at his father for deserting him, anger at his mother for not moving on, anger at his wife for being like his mother, and now anger at himself for doing the same was too much to bear. The only way he could cope was to turn the anger against himself by making himself sick. It was easier to feel physical pain than the pain of feeling like a beast if went for the divorce and acted like his father. It was more tolerable to suffer with headaches and sciatica than feel the disgust of being weak and giving up on life like his mother.

Perhaps Sebastian's wife would take action if he got sick with anger

Underneath all the physical pain and emotional turmoil Sebastian attempted to solve his difficult dilemma. If he was sick and unable to take care of the family, Loretta would be forced into action. Perhaps she would get upset enough to leave and save Sebastian from having to be a home breaker. Without being conscious of it, Sebastian was setting her up to do what he wished, letting him off the hook. The only way he could do it without feeling the shame, guilt and fear of divorce was to be massively angry and turn it inwards masochistically. He was willing to risk psychological suicide in the desperate hope that Loretta would sever the ties.

Dealing with his conflict helped Sebastian forgive himself and move on

Sebastian’s life was unbearable miserable and affecting his work and his son. He found psychotherapy a safe and neutral place for him to process his years of anger that he had held in. Anger at his parents, his wife and himself. As he felt the sadness and desolation of his childhood he began forgiving himself for wanting to end his marriage. Steps towards understanding and forgiving his imperfect family made him accept his own imperfections and that helped him take steps to make a better life for himself, his son and his wife as they agreed to part.

Why isn't my brother here when I need him?

The award ceremony was well under way but there was still no sign of Larry. With a sinking heart Yvonne took her place in line to receive her diploma. The shouts and hugs of congratulations became a blur as her eyes kept scanning the huge hall for her elder brother.

Yvonne's friends honored her achievement with flowers, gifts and affection. Yet she was the pooper at her own party. Larry had broken his promise. Choking back tears of acute disappointment she went through the motions of smiling as she thanked her thoughtful pals.

It's too late

" You are amazing sis. I always knew you could do it." Larry's voice penetrated the jubilant atmosphere as he made ready to embrace his sister. Yvonne wanted to jump for joy and strangle Larry simultaneously. Pride made Yvonne choose rage. " It's too late now!" she responded as her "You missed everything!"

" Something came up. Sorry I had to miss the ceremony, but I'm here for the party," Larry said making light of it.

"'There's always something! You knew how important this was to me. I only get to do this once in my life, and you couldn't make the effort to be there for me!" Yvonne cut him dead.

Yvonne's hot button gets triggered big time

In that split second Yvonne was transported back to all those times when her mother made excuses for missing her school concerts and parent teacher conferences. Larry's feeble alibi revived the same jabs she had experienced when her father dismissed her straight A report cards, and athletic trophies. As a child she had dealt with the hurt by trying even harder. Anger wasn't an option. It could sever the tenuous ties with her parents for ever.

Yvonne's hot button consists of layers of compressed anger and resentment created during a formative period in her life. It is old, cracked, dry and excellent tinder material. Fresh disappointments ignite the ball of raw emotion making the hot button explode. Larry's failure to attend Yvonne's graduation was a reincarnation of the past. He personified every past failure to acknowledge and recognize her legitimate achievements.

Yvonne's fury fractures the relationship with Larry

No longer constrained by the fear of loss,years of fury and resentment came out full throttle. The intensity of her feeling turned into an unspoken demand. It went something like this.

"Brother, you must make up for all those times mom and dad disappointed me and tossed me aside. You have to be the good parent now."

That put him in a straight jacket. He didn't perform in the way that Yvonne insisted, and was labeled a failure. Yvonne's demands were not met giving her a repeat experience of being failed. The relationship fractured under pressure.

Yvonne didn't speak to Larry for several weeks. She needed to punish him. She wanted him to feel some of her pain. She dismissed him just like he had dismissed her by missing the ceremony. She felt the enormous power of retribution, like a bulldozer indiscriminately knocking down every source of frustration, disappointment and heartbreak in her psychic landscape.

Yvonne's brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage

As the bulldozer ran out of gas Yvonne was deflated. She flogged herself with chants of worthlessness. Her achievements weren't worth a damn if her brother couldn't get his act together and turn up on time to her graduation. If he didn't care about her, why should she care about herself?

The attempt to teach Larry a lesson backfired. Yvonne had inflicted the worst punishment on herself. Larry's congratulation didn't arrive at the right time, or in the right way. It wasn't the perfect fit she demanded. She rejected his offerings and denied herself the accolade she craved. A brilliant maneuver of self-sabotage.

Unable to feel the love and generosity of her friends, made her doubly deprived. Furious that she was being robbed of her entitlements added to the stock pile of fuel feeding her hot button. The more she felt the betrayed by the one person who should be honoring her, the hotter the button sizzled. Reinforced by attention the hot button got stronger and more powerful, waiting to zap her next time it got triggered.http://losangeleswestsidetherapy.com/intimacy/trust-and-betrayal/#.VbOx1flcLdc

As she tires of torturing herself, Yvonne can get a handle on her hot button. She can mourn the loss of validation withheld by her parents. That allows her to separate the past from the present and deal with new disappointments more realistically. Yvonne can take charge of her hot button by valuing affirmations from friends and colleagues. She can also treasure Larry's attempts to honor her even if they don't come in exactly the right package. Layers of acknowledgment will replace the layers of resentment, making Yvonne one cool lady!

things went south in the blink of an eye

An Accident Derails Max's Life

In a split second Max fell off a ladder, shattered a lumbar disc, ruined his prospects for marriage, and derailed his journey towards a successful career as a mechanical engineer. He was livid. The shock of the accident kept his rage at bay. His angry energy was absorbed by interminable doctor's visits, surgeries, and fights with his insurance company for health benefits. A law suit conveyed his fury at the negligence of his employer for non-compliance with workplace safety codes.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

supportive fronds of love and care interfered with Max's anger

Cocooned in a Chrysalis Where Resentment Festers

Max was bathed in support and sympathy from his family, fiance and friends. They rallied around and helped him get through the first year of struggle for recovery. Together with his pain medications and physical therapy, the network of people caring for him acted as buffers against his volcanic fury. Cocooned in this chrysalis his outrage and resentment swelled into a festering reservoir of hate, waiting to explode.

Self-fulfilling Prophecies come true

Frozen in a time warp, Max couldn't respond to his fiance's eagerness to face the challenges ahead and adapt their plans for the future. Her encouraging comments felt like jabs, pushing him to get back on his feet before he was ready. Convinced that it was only a matter of time before she got tired of his back injury, he anticipated the break up of their engagement. He goaded her about the genuineness of her commitment to him until it wore her down. His self-fulfilling prophecy came true. She left him.

Max is Lonely and Isolated

Max's friends called, visited, and made arrangements to take him out. He couldn't bear to witness them getting ahead while he was standing still. He turned down invitations and made excuses for not accepting visitors. Eventually the calls and visits dropped off, and Max became increasingly isolated.

Life Goes From Bad To Worse

Physicians and surgeons tried one thing after another to help heal the disc. They didn't know why he wasn't responding to state of the art surgery and rehabilitation. The insurance company refused to cover any more experimental treatments. Physical therapy offered little hope for improved mobility. The legal battle provided some compensation but no where near enough to cover medical bills, let alone living expenses.

Indignation and Outrage Erupt

Max ranted and raved at his incompetent doctors, his lawyer who didn't win bigger, his fiance who abandoned him and his friends who forgot him. Indignation, outrage, and pure vengeance competed with his physical pain for his attention. The festering reservoir of hate now had concrete legitimate targets to aim at, in ever increasing numbers.

The Power Of The Victim

Max felt powerful in his role as a victim. It gave him the right to blame all his carers for ever, and avoid facing the terror of starting his life over. If he couldn't be the colorful and vibrant butterfly he was destined for, there was no way he was going to emerge from his chrysalis. He would rather let his larva dry up and rot than change course and make himself into a new and equally striking butterfly.

Anger and victim hood isn't the only choice

Transition To a New Life Was Treachery

Max wanted the world to stop at the precise moment before his fall. Responding to medications, surgeries and encouragements would be a betrayal of his prior life. Max allowed his body to be treated, but his soul was absent. He didn't want to participate fully and become a traitor to his hopes and ambitions. Transition to a new life was treachery. By keeping his prior existence on life support, Max sabotaged his chances of getting better. His physical pain and mobility problems became the symbols of the past he refused to let go of, and a future he refused to acknowledge.

Max has a choice. He can continue this death watch or he can begin the mourning process. Grief and mourning are the key to choosing vitality rather than victim hood. The first entryway to mourning is often anger. Rage has enormous energy and if aligned with the desire for life, it will act as a resurrecting force. Max has a right to be angry. Taking it out on his family and doctors is counterproductive. Harnessing the anger into a fighting spirit boosts his immune system, jump starts the healing process and encourages his loved ones to maintain their support.

Christopher Reeves used his anger in the mourning process to set up stem cell research labs after he was paralyzed by a horse riding accident. Al Gore mourned the loss of the presidency by using the force of his anger and grief to become a Nobel prize winner. Both mourned, then made a meaningful new life that touched millions of people.

Max can't accept the help of loved ones because he envies them. He will need psychotherapy to help him through the grieving process while empowering him to have richer and deeper relationships that will mitigate his loss. He can also find a new calling – how exciting is that !!

anger pokes at a marriage like a thorny fern

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want!

Justin had his heart set on the new BMW sports car, but Bernice wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were other more important priorities like her business start up, the kids school fees and house repairs to consider.

Justin blew up. “ You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Costa Rica I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”

You just want to stack up points to use against me!

“ I’m sick of your whining. You have the money. You can buy whatever you want. I don’t know why you bother asking for my approval. You’re going to do what you want anyway. If I don’t agree I’m a spoiler, and boy do you punish me for it afterward! You make me pay for all the times you did things my way. You just do it to stack up points that you can beat me with when I don’t agree with you.” Bernice retaliated with fury to being manipulated.

Justin wanted his wife's permission, so he didn’t feel guilty

Justin was independently wealthy. The BMW wouldn’t hurt his financial portfolio, and he could take it as a business expense. But buying the car just because it was possible wasn’t satisfying to him. He was hungry for something much more valuable- permission to want things just for himself. That was the real prize. He was fed up with always having to justify it as worthwhile.

Justin was torn between feeling selfish and being a burden

Justin had been angry a long time. As far back as he could remember his mentally challenged younger brother Trevor got all the free passes at home. His father gave into Trevor’s tantrums to keep him quiet and manageable. His mother was torn between trying to anticipate Trevor’s moods and erratic behavior and keeping her marriage together. Justin was expected to be the good son who never needed nor wanted anything other than the basics.

Why was he always second best?

There was little room for him to have his childhood wishes without shame, guilt and a belief that his needs were illegitimate. That’s when the anger started. Why were his needs less important than Trevor’s.? Why was it wrong for him to want his mother’s approval and his father’s attention for being a normal healthy son? Why couldn’t he be spoiled just once?

Justin became furious when his carefully thought out plan failed

The injustice of his childhood kept the anger smoldering on a bed of hot coals that was constantly stoked up. Each time Bernice didn’t gush with enthusiasm and give him the green light to get what he wanted he relived the torment of his childhood. He got more and more furious that even when he didn’t have to compete with a needy brother, he still didn’t get his wishes accepted and nurtured. Justin made a deal with himself. If he let his wife have what she wanted even if he didn’t like it himself, then he would be entitled to expect the same from her.

Justin’s plan didn’t work. Bernice didn’t buy into his scheme. Justin’s rage grew fiercer and the relationship became a battle ground. Justin refused to give himself permission to enjoy things he could get for himself, and Bernice refused to be put in the role of the bad guy who spoiled his life.

How can Justin and his wife stop getting mad at each other?

How can Justin and Bernice stop the cycle of anger that interferes with their intimacy?

1.Justin needs to get clear on what his anger is really about. His anger is not about the car. It is about not knowing where he stands with Bernice and trying to figure it out.

2. Justin should share with Bernice his feelings of guilt, unworthiness and rage at never feeling secure enough to be able to legitimize his own wants and needs.

3. Bernice should try and hear it as part of Justin’s issue rather than take it personally and strike back. She can then share her hurt when he puts her in the role of judge and jury.

When Justin and Bernice feel and hear each others hurt, anger and frustration, they have begun to take a new journey together towards satisfying the hunger they both have to be seen as good, worthy and lovable people.

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Do you feel ashamed when you lash out at the people you love the most?

Do you wish you could erase it for ever and be free of this beastly emotion? That’s because there is a taboo against feeling and expressing anger, particularly if done in a loud, over the top and explosive way. We don’t like to think of ourselves as uncontrolled and irrational. When our hot buttons get pushed beyond what we can manage we feel scared that we have let ourselves down, that others will think badly of us and that we may never recover our good image.

Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment?

Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.

Do you let your anger stew until the moment when you can do the most damage?

Imagine the last time you pretended you had a headache when your partner reached out for physical contact, affection or sex. You may not have remembered what you were angry about anymore, but the urge to regain the upper hand led you to strike back just when your partner was most vulnerable. It stewed and frothed and fermented until just the right moment. It is fury made to smell a little sweeter to you the injured party, who needs to feel in charge again.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

Do you feel better when you react to anger by laying a guilt trip on the one upsetting you?

Have you ever forgotten a loved one’s birthday or a special anniversary? Did your loved one make snide comments designed to make you feel guilty? Their anger at your lapse of memory came out in a sneaky but very effective way. It humiliated you and may have roused your anger. Laying on the guilt may have made your loved one feel superior for a little while, but making you feel small just drove a huge wedge between you.

The good news and bad news about Venting anger

Venting rage releases tension in the short term and gives you a temporary sense of power and control, but does nothing to address the triggers that push your buttons. The power and control is so short lived that you have to erupt again just to get that feeling back. So you are caught in a vicious circle of becoming enraged and trampling everything around you. You never learn how to deal with your discomfort and have to live with this monster that comes out of you every now and then. In the long run you create fear and push people away. You can end up lonely and deprive yourself of the chance to be heard and fix the problems.

Good news and bad news about taking vengeance and laying on the guilt trip

Punishing those that have hurt and upset you by withdrawing love, or piling on the guilt gives you immense power and control. The powerful feeling lasts longer than venting, and you get the pleasure of doing to others what they did to you. But the damage you do to your relationships is more serious and less easy to repair – for the simple reason that you deliberately set out to hurt in order to avenge your anger. The stress that gets put on the relationship removes layers of trust and openness.

The most productive way of expressing anger

• The first step is to acknowledge that you have a right to feel angry. That small but vital permission will lessen the chances of your explosive monster coming out and shaming you.
• Next, talk to the person who provoked your anger and tell them what it’s like for you when they say or do things that enrage you.
• Then find out what the person’s intentions were and revisit your response. Are you still as angry or do you feel less personally attacked?

It may not be easy to follow these steps but you will improve with practice. Honoring your anger instead of using it to feel big or punish others improves communication and builds strong and durable relationship bonds.

Take the anger quiz and discover your approach to anger

Koren is furious that her son is being unfairly picked on

As she drove to pick up nine year old Hector from school, Koren seethed with rage. She was confronted with a complaint that Hector was suspended from after school playground access for hitting another boy. Koren was mad at the playground supervisor for believing the other child rather than her son. She was furious that the supervisor allowed the incident to occur. She was angry that her son wasn’t allowed to defend himself.

Koren zooms into a tiny part of the picture and blinds her with rage

As she talked with her son about the incident later that night Koren learned that he had been provoked by name calling. In an effort to stop the taunting Hector had elbowed the other boy who then complained to the supervisor. It was outrageous that her son was suspended while the boy who started it all got off scott free. She comforted her son by showing solidarity, loyalty and her absolute determination to take a stand. She made sure he knew that she didn’t blame him. She told him that she was going to make to right this wrong on his behalf.

At an arranged meeting with the Principal of the school Koren heard once again that her son was at fault and that he needed help to learn how to play with other kids. It inflamed her like a red rag to a bull.

Koren feels personally attacked and fights to defend herself

“ My son was defending himself against a bully who was calling him names. Where was the supervisor? Why didn’t he see what was going on? If you people had been doing your job properly this would never have happened!” Koren said indignantly, laying the responsibility firmly in the school’s court.

“ This isn’t the first time Hector’s playground behavior has come to my attention. He has no idea how to socialize and I can’t take the risk of him hurting other students. You need to teach him how to behave or get him professional help,” the principal said, passing the ball right back to Koren.

“You’ve never liked my son. You’ve been complaining about him since he was in first grade. You’re always picking on him because he’s from a single parent family. I’ve taken it for long enough. I’m not going to sit by any longer and take your word for it. I insist that you bring in the other boy and get to the bottom of this!” Koren demanded.

Koren's childhood and adult rage unite to fight against injustice

Can you guess what the Principal and the Playground supervisor thought of Koren? They had ample evidence that she was irrational, a bit unstable and unable to have a reasonable discussion. They probably thought she was a weak single parent who couldn’t manage her son. By reacting with such righteous indignation Koren had created the exact impression she was most fearful of and wanted to avoid.

Koren began to have flash backs about her own school experiences. She relived the incident when she had been wrongly blamed for throwing a paper dart in English class. Her mother had been told she was insolent and defiant. Her mother never asked Koren to tell her side of the story. Her mother believed the teacher and Koren was shamed for letting the family down.

The same feelings of shame, humiliation and rage that Koren had felt at that time were washing over her now as she felt marginalized by Hector’s school Principal. As a child Koren couldn’t show or talk about her bitter disappointment and rage at not being championed. Koren was left unprotected, scapegoated and gagged.

Koren’s anger piled up. It grew and bubbled waiting for a chance to justifiably explode. As an adult she could speak her mind. As a parent she had even more right to defend her son. Now her anger burst out in full force. Once again her protestations were dismissed. Koren’s fierce insistence on being proved right fizzled into a sad and hopeless feeling. She became morose and sullen, wanting to keep her son from school rather than put herself through this ordeal again.

Koren was blind to the crucial differences between herself and her son

The problem was that Koren confused her own experiences as a child with that of her son’s. Hector had a mother who listened. He got heard, comforted and understood by his parent. He was able to process his feelings in a way that was validating and educational. Koren was blind to that crucial difference between herself and her son. When she attacked the Principal she was doing so from her personal place of being unprotected and silenced. Her son didn’t need her to defend him in that manner. Koren was defending her own undigested childhood anger via her son’s school experience.

The key to Koren's emotional health is to deal with her own stuff separately from her so Koren attacked the wrong person, at the wrong time for someone else's crime. She didn’t help herself as a parent, nor did she make life easier for her son at his school. But she has a chance to minimize the fall out. Here are some steps that Koren can take to begin to separate her stuff from her son’s stuff.

Give herself permission to air her bitter disappointment and rage on her own behalf.

• Write about it, talk to her son about her school experiences, share in parent support groups.
• Start a dialogue with her parents about her unfinished business with them.
• Ask herself what is the true stuff of her rage when her buttons are pushed.
• Getting the help and support of a psychotherapist to help her bridge the gap between her childhood feelings and those of a mother would be especially beneficial.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2010.

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explosive anger can fill you with guilt and shame

Why on earth are we burdened with anger?

Why do we have to battle with anger all our lives? What is the point of having this emotion? Why can’t we do without it? We aren’t needing to kill predators to protect our lives or keep meager food rations for ourselves as we did millions of years ago. So what on earth does anger do for us in this day and age?

Want to stop being a doormat? Get Angry!

Anger continues to have a strong psychological survival value. Anger is the strongest sign that urges you to stand up for yourself. Anger gives you the impetus to make sure you are not treated like a doormat. Anger protects your self-identity, self-worth and entitlement to life on equal terms.

Are you a resentful people pleaser like Carrie?

Carrie was a people pleaser. It made her feel deserving and worthy. She took pains to give her children what she never had. Anything she could do for them that her parents never did for her made her feel like a good mother. Responding to requests from family members to help out even when she was sick or exhausted was one more step toward being in their good books. That was the way to save up emotional dollars in the relationship bank accounts, that surely would yield high interest!

Fear and guilt destroy Carrie's right to a healthy identity

For years Carrie felt hurt and angry that she did so much for her loved ones but got so little back in return. When ever her anger bubbled over and she dared to think about herself, guilt and sadness covered it up. Expectations of her grew to unmanageable proportions. Her children, siblings, parents and husband harangued her when she couldn’t do as they asked. She felt more and more guilty and feared that she would deplete her reserves in the relationship account. So she ratcheted up her actions to do what they wanted, leaving herself empty and worn out.

changing your inner dialogue to value yourself stops explosive outbursts

Bursts of intense anger entitle Carrie to value herself

A demand from Carrie’s sister to drop everything and come fix her yard following storm damage changed everything. That one command triggered a massive reaction in Carrie’s body. It was as if her whole body was on fire. Her heart thumped like an industrial hammer and her voice took on an urgency that surpassed any alarm bell or siren. With clenched teeth giving her determination and trembling hands that wanted to strangle her sister, Carrie exploded!

“Fix your own yard. I’m not your servant! You never ask me how I am, or care about how I feel! You never offer to do anything for me. If you can’t call me and listen to me as I listen to you then don’t bother calling!” Carrie burst out with years of suppressed anger.

At around the same time, Carrie noticed that her 20 year old daughter was getting on her nerves. Miranda kept calling and wanting to be chauffeured from one place to the next. She wanted money for this that and everything, and expected it immediately. She insisted on an expensive apple computer for school, not to mention an iphone! Carrie’s anger spiraled into a powerful tornado of rage. A rage of self-protection. She refused to be spoken to like a puppy dog being made to perform tricks and shocked Miranda into speechlessness.

In the past Carrie would have tried to plead hardship, hoping to tug at Miranda’s heart strings and sense of fairness. It never worked, because Miranda knew all to well that her mother always gave in. All she needed to do was go through the motions of being thankful for a split second and she could get whatever she wanted pretty much on demand.

Anger motivates Carrie to protect herself

For Carrie the choice felt as stark as this ‘do as she says and keep your daughter close, or be selfish and lonely, guilty and regretful for the rest of your life.’ Faced with that conflict, Carrie always chose the former. Until now. As she was being ground into the dust with no sign of reprieve, her survival instinct kicked in. Her fury at not being able to withdraw the interest on her relationship bank accounts eventually allowed her to put her needs first. Resentment topped guilt and released her anger.

Research shows that anger is a motivator to establish closeness

Research reported in the Journal Hormones and Behavior, 2010 found that anger stimulates the left frontal lobe in the brain which is associated with a motivation to be close and connect. That is what Carrie wanted. She wanted to be close with her daughter but her conflict got in the way.

Anger propelled Carrie into surviving on a level playing field

Carrie was terrified of her angry outbursts and came to therapy. Working with me in therapy helped Carrie used her anger profitably. It fueled her into valuing herself, rather than waiting and hoping for her family to do so.

She got comfortable with saying “ I want, I need, I would like, I expect…..” Anger became Carrie’s source of power and strength in a positive way. She learned to put herself on the map with firmer boundaries so that family members couldn’t take advantage of her without any consequences.

Carrie’s anger motivated her to expect respect from others. Her anger gave her permission to tap into her true desires with a sense of pride and entitlement, not shame and guilt. Anger saved Carrie from having her identity and enjoyment in life crushed. It literally enabled her to survive in a strong, self-empowered manner. Just in case you think she became just like her family, Carrie retained her sensitivity towards them and relates on an equal footing!

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Are You Having The Same Old Fight Over and Over Again?

Do you find yourself having the same fight with the same person in the same situations? May be it's your mother, your partner, your brother, or your child. Perhaps you hear complaints from your friends and colleagues about the constant conflict they experience with a particular member of their family.

It sounds tiring and unpleasant, something you would give your right arm to avoid. You promise yourself you will not rise to the bait. You practice counting to ten and vow not to sweat the small stuff. But before you know it, the fight is already in round three. Your heart is racing, a pulse is pounding in your head, and your stomach is churning with indignation as you try to position yourself to win.

It's usually a simple but loaded remark that ignites the flames. " I thought we were going to watch a DVD tonight." Kim challenged her husband as he got ready to go out for a night with the boys.

The Power Struggle Begins

Keith felt the noose tighten around his neck. The threat to his individuality and independence felt very ominous. He couldn't let her get away with it again. He was a grown man. Why should he let her whims and tantrums take away his manhood? Keith's hands and legs shook as he choked and sputtered to avoid being strangled. A high pitch desperate sound of outrage came out of his mouth as he struggled to regain power. 

"I work hard, bring home the money, clean the house when you are too tired, go shopping with you, entertain your boring family, and you won't let me have one night with my mates!"

Kim's heart rate accelerated from a trot to a clamoring gallop as the tag of selfishness and ungratefulness wound themselves around her. She attacked them with blades sharpened with accusations kept for just such a moment.

" You played baseball when I was really sick last year, you never have a good word to say to my mother when she visits, you never take me out with your friends, you told me that you hated me for taking away your freedom. That's what this is about. You don't want to be with me!"

Keith and Kim are experts at wounding each other. But why do they keep doing it?

Both Keith and Kim get a buzz from engaging with each other through conflict. No matter how uncomfortable they may feel during their fights, their cravings for the pay offs call the tune. Like any other addiction, it has to be fed and topped up with more conflict for the highs to be maintained.

What Are The Payoffs for Kim?

Kim wants to be the most important thing in Keith's life. She isn't sure that she can achieve and maintain that status. A sure fire way of getting the reassurance she needs is to create tension. That guarantees that every bit of him is focused on her. His vision, his thoughts, his gestures, and entire emotional self is filled with Kim. His body literally stops it's normal functioning and all his energy is directed her way. By picking a fight, she gets to own a hundred percent of him.

The prize comes with two bonuses.

• First she is pumped with power that comes with controlling Keith's emotions, his body and mind.
• Second she is free from those pesky jealousies and fears that plague her when she isn't playing her ownership cards. It's as if they are one person at the times of greatest conflict. What could top that as evidence that you are special?

What Are The Pay offs for Keith?

Keith wants to feel like a man, able to make his own decisions and act on them. He wishes he could castrate that wimpy part of him that is scared to take a stand. Fighting for his rights gets him in touch with his prowess. Asserting himself with Kim builds up his ego and kills off the wimp he hates. Why can't he just give himself permission to do what he wants? Like Kim he has pesky feelings that torture him with guilt. Worms like selfishness, greed and insensitivity crawl under his skin and paralyze him. Fighting with Kim on the other hand energizes him, builds up his sense of righteousness, and is guilt free. He gets to be the good guy. Why would he want to give such treasures up by stopping the fights?

When Kim and Keith no longer get their highs from fighting they can learn alternative ways of feeling powerful and special. Lets hope that time comes before the relationship collapses under the strain of conflict. 

Success Disappears So Quickly

Mimi was proud of the ten pounds she had lost on her new diet and exercise regimen. It was easy and enjoyable. A few days later Mimi was part of a decision making team at work. Arguments and insults flying around made her afraid of giving her opinion. Right then Mimi sensed something was missing. She grabbed a pillow and put in on her abdomen. What a relief! During that stressful moment Mimi missed the 'padding' that her fat had provided. The cushion blanketed the messy feeling. Driving home she felt demeaned and diminished. Why was it okay for her colleagues to vent, but leave no space for her views? Anger frothed up. Her rage felt like a ball of sharp nails ready to lacerate her insides causing a bloody hemorrhage.

She stopped at a store and bought a quart of chocolate ice- cream and a large bag of potato chips. That combination was the her most trusted and true numbing device. Those sharp nails became frozen with layers of reassuring and calming comfort food. No chance of any disgusting leaks of weakness. Keeping her cool was rewarded by yummy admiration and scrumptious respect.

The Bad News

Mimi's body weight represented both the burden of her undigested emotions and those she swallowed from others by choosing not to be assertive. Mimi believed that she kept her close relationships with friends and family by being an ever absorbing sponge for their awful feelings. They perceived her as tough and indestructible. Keeping it all in was a badge of honor. Emotional constipation was Mimi's sign of power and resilience. She dealt with overflowing gunky confused emotions by converting the trash into fat. That weight smothered her instincts to express her individuality. The heaviness paralyzed her so she couldn't take risks with being herself.

Her weight went up and stayed up despite her punishing splurge with personal fitness gurus, coaches, nutritionists and all the advice in the best diet books.

The good news

Eating anesthetized slimy feelings. The weight she carried acted as armor against feeling abused, taken advantage of, and dismissed. Her fat was the one part of her she could trust. Her fat camouflaged her need for love, support and acceptance. Life was a breeze when she didn't have to ask for those basic things and risk rejection and ridicule.

Yo-Yo weight games

Mimi was successful with diets when she felt strong and an equal player in the world. As soon as that fragile mood was threatened by words of conditional love, put downs, and a dismissal of her opinions Mimi felt naked and vulnerable. Food was the comforter and the weight she gained became a shield against the abuse. The thicker the armor the less chance there was of being destabilized and out of control. The armor plating was solid enough to deodorize the stench of her own chaotic and stinky feelings. The armor did such a good job that she couldn't distinguish between her own mess and that of others. It also bypassed her emotional thermostat so that she never knew when she couldn't take any more of other people's trash. Food was the best way of resetting the switch and lowering the temperature.

Mimi's quandary: Looking good or feeling strong?

Did she focus on feeling physically attractive by losing fat, or feeling emotionally strong and protected by keeping the fat? Either way, she had to abandon one part of herself – a no win situation.

Tips on Avoiding Mimi's Dilemma

•  Trust your first signs of anger as a signal to protect yourself.
• Re-cycle your angry energy into motivation to get heard and acknowledged.
•  Use the motivation to risk saying what you feel as you become aware of it.
•  Feel the validation of taking that risk rather than the weight of keeping it all in.
•  Build emotional strength from the validation.
•  Digest your experiences by owning only what is yours, and discarding the rest.
•  Ownership means responsibility for getting in touch with your needs and satisfying them. That takes courage and strength.
•  Re-write your dialogue from one of self-punishment to one of self-care.

These tasks are difficult to do alone. If you are stuck in the garbage all you see is mold and slime. It doesn't seem worth caring for. Friends and family are part of the problem and cannot help at the outset. It suits them to keep you firmly in the role of the ever accepting trash can. That way they can smell sweet while you reek. An objective professional such as a licensed psychotherapist can be helpful to get started on your journey.