Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Needing Approval

Preparing for her younger sister's visit put some pep into Shelly's steps. She recalled Natalie's last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Shelly feel warm inside. She wanted to show Natalie the home she and Devon had made together. She wanted her sister to recognize her determination to make something of herself as she made her way through Acupuncture school. She wanted her sister's approval. Shelly wanted to play the generous host. She also expected something in return.

Her buttons were pushed, but she never said a word.

Natalie left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, and went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Natalie treated Shelly''s place as a free hotel, with a maid thrown in!

Natalie took the hospitality for granted, and Shelly saw red. How could Natalie be so blind, insensitive and callous? Couldn't she tell how much she was hurting Shelly? Didn't Natalie know how much Shelly had put her life on hold to organize the visit? Wasn't it obvious how much money she had to borrow from Devon, and all the activities with friends and colleagues she had turned down? Shelly couldn't get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Anger Explodes on the Wrong Person

After Natalie left, Shelly sniped at Devon just for breathing! All the things she had wanted to tell Natalie, she said to Devon. " Wash the dishes before bed!" she commanded. "You can do your own laundry, I'm busy," she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. " I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week," she vented at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Devon.

Four steps to managing Shelly's anger

1. Self-honesty

Shelly needs to be honest and clear with herself about what she expects for her troubles. A conscious awareness of what her hidden agenda is, means that she communicate her needs clearly, avoiding future hurt and anger when she isn't recognized.

This preventive first step reduces the triggers for anger,by putting Shelly more in control.

2. Communicate her Expectations

Once Shelly knows what you expect in return for her generosity, she should  spell it out to the those who receive her largesse.

Putting it out there means there are no misunderstandings. That is preventive step number two. Shelly are reducing the risk of being disappointed, used and abused.

3. Don't expect grown up behavior from someone Shelly treats like a child

Allowing someone to get away with insensitive and abusive behavior means Shelly gives out a huge message that they are too infantile to be expected to be equal players in the game. Shelly is giving them permission to act in a totally selfish way. To avoid getting angry when they do so means taking preventive step number three – speak up when they violate your personal boundaries, rules and space.

Shelly shouldn't be a doormat! Waiting for someone to see and treat her like an equal human being, means she has to have feet firmly planted on the ground, that can take her where she needs to go and help her be a player rather than a place for others to wipe their feet.

4. Express her feelings as they come up

As soon as she feels that gut wrenching anger rise,  she should get in touch with it and use it as a sign that she needs to stick up for herself and be an equal.

Shelly should speak her feelings as clearly as she can. It helps the other person know what she is feeling and why, so they can adapt right away.

Shelly should avoid stuffing her anger because she thinks it will cause bad feeling. Wouldn't she rather know how to please someone and do it right, rather than have long term resentment and explosive anger that ruins relationships for ever?

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Mean I can Have What I Want?

Fabienne drooled over that gorgeous pair of shoes in the store window. Just for once she wanted to indulge herself by splurging on something personal that wasn't an absolute necessity. She had spoken to Larry about it and he gave her the go ahead. This weekend she was going to treat herself without doubts or guilt.

Saturday morning Larry twisted the knife. " I really need to go to that conference next weekend. Networking with the contacts will help launch my business. It's been so tough lately to market my ideas. This is a once in a life time opportunity. I need to reserve a place by Monday, but I don't have the cash. My credit card is maxed out. If I don't go to the conference all my efforts so far will be wasted. I might as well call it a day."

Emotional Blackmail

Fabienne's heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat.

" What! YOU agreed that I could have them. YOU told me to buy the shoes this weekend.. YOU said it was fine with you! Now, just before I go out to get them you throw me this line! You really know how to put me on the spot!" blasted Fabienne who reeled with outrage.

" Do you want me to fail?" Larry continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Larry Engaging in Blackmail?

When Larry initially encouraged Fabienne to buy the shoes, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. As the time came for Fabienne to spend money on herself, Larry was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Fabienne was going to get what she wanted and he wasn't. He was desperate to 'get' something too. But there was only one money pot from which to feed. He couldn't come out and ask for the money because that would seem selfish. Touching a nerve that sparked guilt in Fabienne meant that he could get her to feel selfish and turn over the money. She would give and he could take without feeling bad about it.

Fabienne is left hanging

Should Fabienne Give into the Blackmail?

It had been so wonderful to get Larry's permission to get those designer shoes. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Larry put her in a catch-22 situation. If she bought the shoes she would feel guilty and never wear the shoes with joy. She would never hear the end of it every time he saw the shoes in her closet. If she gave into Larry, he would get the upper hand and try this tactic again. She would resent him and want to take revenge.

Why Does It Have To Be Either Larry or Fabienne?

When Larry saw his wife having something enjoyable he felt left out and deprived. It was just like the times his father would eat all of his mother's home made pizza so that there was none left for him. It triggered the spot when his mother stopped reading bedtime stories to her son, giving precedence to the greedy demands of her husband. It was either Larry or his Dad, and more often than not it was Dad.

Regaining Control Was The Name of The Game

Larry grew up envious, feeling like a 'have not,' and it bothered him. He never figured out why his father always got priority over him. As an adult he was determined to get what he deserved, and make up for all the times he didn't get his fair share.

He managed his fury by using emotional blackmail. It gave him control in an acceptable way. It was as if he was getting that pizza and mother's attention without having to fight his dad for it.

Why Does Fabienne allow the Emotional Blackmail?

It was hard for Fabienne to feel deserving of nice things that weren't essential for her survival. She needed a good reason to justify the purchase of anything other than the basics of life. As a child, if she wanted a new book her mother would talk about her younger sister needing medication for her asthma. Fabienne grew up feeling selfish just for wanting something of her own.

Without permission and encouragement Fabienne never treated herself to anything she wanted. Larry's consent to get the shoes was the green light she needed to get those shoes. When he put the guilt trip on her, she relived those moments when her mother made her feel bad for apparently depriving her sick sister. Larry hooked her in that place. That made the emotional blackmail succeed, and he knew it.

Challenging the Blackmail

Fabienne and Larry are both caught in the invidious place that there are only enough goodies for one and that the 'neediest' one claims it. A weekly meeting putting their joint assets on the table and then sharing their needs and desires can create the foundation for a partnership where they agree on mutual priorities, and allocate the resources accordingly. When they see that they are both wanting and giving, not grabbing and depriving, they will find compromises that feel less painful. Making agreements together that fulfill needs in both of them mean that they both become 'haves' instead of 'have nots.'

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Irritable Bowel Disease makes Meryl want to stay home

Meryl woke up often through the night with abdominal pain and cramping. During the day she often felt bloated and uncomfortable. It messed with her appetite and eating routines. The constant tenderness in her gut made her afraid of going outside her home and work place. She worried about being near rest rooms. She was embarrassed about leaving events frequently to visit the rest room with no apparent relief. She never told anyone and pretended all was well.

Silence was Meryl's best weapon against emotional abuse

Meryl usually kept her feelings and opinions to herself. She had long since learned that the one sure fire way to avoid rocking the boat was to keep quiet. It wasn’t safe saying what she felt if her mother would go into a tail spin and shower her with a spate of hurtful remarks that she was powerless to defend against. It was dangerous to play with her father’s wrath if she dared to speak for herself. The only times she did so resulted in being torn to shreds and then ignored for weeks. Taking the blame for things that went wrong in the family seemed to make everyone else accept her, and reduce the condemnations. Self-silence and self-blame were the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that came with expressing her feelings.

Looking good in public was Meryl's ticket to feeling good

Meryl felt good about herself as a professional that other people respected. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that feeling of being admired and valued. She was the first to own the blame and fix problems at work. That was her insurance against nagging thoughts about what others may be thinking of her. It was like an automatic reflex that went into action the second someone she cared about was upset or angry. Self-silence and self-blame became Meryl’s way of protecting herself against the sense of helplessness and worthlessness that came with emotionally abusive interactions.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome was the culprit ruining Meryl's life

Meryl did a lot of research on her symptoms, altered her diet, took supplements and kept herself hydrated with water. She regulated her times of eating and made sure she fed herself regularly with small easy to digest meals. But nothing seemed to make a difference. It was time to consult with the experts. Meryl’s nursing background came in useful. She knew who to talk to and what questions to ask. A series of tests ruled out Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Colitis, and Chron's disease.

The diagnosis was Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) of the constipation type. It is a functional disorder in that physical symptoms persist in the absence of any structural or biochemical abnormalities. Twice as many women as men suffer from IBS.

Meryl was shocked and upset because it meant that there was no ‘cure.’ All she could do was ease the symptoms with medications when the flare ups were severe.

Research evidence on IBS and emotional abuse

A. An article in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine published in 2000 reported a strong link between emotional abuse and IBS among women.

B. IBS sufferers have a heightened need for social desirability (as reported by the Journal of Gastroenterology in 1990, and the International Journal of Psychiatric Medicine in 1992).

C. Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, so there is an increased need to look good, to be socially desirable. The need to have a good image conflates with the need to protect others from feeling bad, and triggers coping mechanisms like self-silencing and self-blame.

D.Self-silencing is a way of maintaining intimate relationships by silencing thoughts and feelings, resulting in a devaluing of the self. It is a way of avoiding emotional abuse.

E.Self-blame is another way of avoiding emotional abuse. It works by lowering self-esteem and accepting responsibility for negative events. Better to blame yourself than be skinned alive with abuse from so called loved ones.

F.Self-blame and self-silencing increase stress.

G.Stress hormones like cortisol exacerbate symptoms of IBS and reinforces the negative downward spiral.

Communicate feelings and thoughts for improved gastric health

1. Meryl can turn the tide for herself by taking the risk of speaking her mind.

2. She can practice sharing her thoughts and feelings with herself at first.

3. Next she can write them down.

4. Finally she can begin sharing one or two thoughts and feelings with trusted colleagues.

5. Allowing others to share in the responsibility when things go wrong will make Meryl experience a more realistic world, where she won’t have to protect herself against anticipated emotional abuse.

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Success Disappears So Quickly

Mimi was proud of the ten pounds she had lost on her new diet and exercise regimen. It was easy and enjoyable. A few days later Mimi was part of a decision making team at work. Arguments and insults flying around made her afraid of giving her opinion. Right then Mimi sensed something was missing. She grabbed a pillow and put in on her abdomen. What a relief! During that stressful moment Mimi missed the 'padding' that her fat had provided. The cushion blanketed the messy feeling. Driving home she felt demeaned and diminished. Why was it okay for her colleagues to vent, but leave no space for her views? Anger frothed up. Her rage felt like a ball of sharp nails ready to lacerate her insides causing a bloody hemorrhage.

She stopped at a store and bought a quart of chocolate ice- cream and a large bag of potato chips. That combination was the her most trusted and true numbing device. Those sharp nails became frozen with layers of reassuring and calming comfort food. No chance of any disgusting leaks of weakness. Keeping her cool was rewarded by yummy admiration and scrumptious respect.

The Bad News

Mimi's body weight represented both the burden of her undigested emotions and those she swallowed from others by choosing not to be assertive. Mimi believed that she kept her close relationships with friends and family by being an ever absorbing sponge for their awful feelings. They perceived her as tough and indestructible. Keeping it all in was a badge of honor. Emotional constipation was Mimi's sign of power and resilience. She dealt with overflowing gunky confused emotions by converting the trash into fat. That weight smothered her instincts to express her individuality. The heaviness paralyzed her so she couldn't take risks with being herself.

Her weight went up and stayed up despite her punishing splurge with personal fitness gurus, coaches, nutritionists and all the advice in the best diet books.

The good news

Eating anesthetized slimy feelings. The weight she carried acted as armor against feeling abused, taken advantage of, and dismissed. Her fat was the one part of her she could trust. Her fat camouflaged her need for love, support and acceptance. Life was a breeze when she didn't have to ask for those basic things and risk rejection and ridicule.

Yo-Yo weight games

Mimi was successful with diets when she felt strong and an equal player in the world. As soon as that fragile mood was threatened by words of conditional love, put downs, and a dismissal of her opinions Mimi felt naked and vulnerable. Food was the comforter and the weight she gained became a shield against the abuse. The thicker the armor the less chance there was of being destabilized and out of control. The armor plating was solid enough to deodorize the stench of her own chaotic and stinky feelings. The armor did such a good job that she couldn't distinguish between her own mess and that of others. It also bypassed her emotional thermostat so that she never knew when she couldn't take any more of other people's trash. Food was the best way of resetting the switch and lowering the temperature.

Mimi's quandary: Looking good or feeling strong?

Did she focus on feeling physically attractive by losing fat, or feeling emotionally strong and protected by keeping the fat? Either way, she had to abandon one part of herself – a no win situation.

Tips on Avoiding Mimi's Dilemma

•  Trust your first signs of anger as a signal to protect yourself.
• Re-cycle your angry energy into motivation to get heard and acknowledged.
•  Use the motivation to risk saying what you feel as you become aware of it.
•  Feel the validation of taking that risk rather than the weight of keeping it all in.
•  Build emotional strength from the validation.
•  Digest your experiences by owning only what is yours, and discarding the rest.
•  Ownership means responsibility for getting in touch with your needs and satisfying them. That takes courage and strength.
•  Re-write your dialogue from one of self-punishment to one of self-care.

These tasks are difficult to do alone. If you are stuck in the garbage all you see is mold and slime. It doesn't seem worth caring for. Friends and family are part of the problem and cannot help at the outset. It suits them to keep you firmly in the role of the ever accepting trash can. That way they can smell sweet while you reek. An objective professional such as a licensed psychotherapist can be helpful to get started on your journey.