Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Thirty-five-year-old plumber Tyler got angry with Gemma, his thirty-seven-year-old partner for inviting his brother over for the weekend pot-luck event. She knew that he didn’t get on with Roy but she kept trying to get them together. Tyler didn’t speak to Gemma unless it was absolutely necessary. He was civil in front of family and friends, but the stress was killing him. He was too tired to fight!
 

The folk music she put on while the guests were out on the patio grated on his nerves. He hated it, and Gemma knew that. But she went right ahead and turned the volume on full blast, disregarding him. Feeling himself get more stressed, Tyler played with the dog for a few minutes to calm himself down.

 

 

Over the last year Gemma seemed to do things that made him feel like she didn’t think of him, and nor was she interested in catering to his tastes. Feeling unacknowledged over and over again made him feel small and devalued – two key ingredients that made him insecure and stressed him out. He could do nothing to control it, and this weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When the guests had gone, Tyler didn’t have the energy to clean up. He crashed on the sofa and slept for over 24 hours – straight, as if he had been drugged.
 

Waking up the next night, Tyler’s heart was heavy. He didn’t want to get up; he wasn’t hungry and had no interest in checking the messages on his phone. It was as if he were in a parallel world, looking at himself, lifeless and unmotivated to attend to his work calls or the notes left by his angry wife.
 

Tyler had fallen deep into a stress-induced depression. It had been creeping up, and now he was in a weird place – he wasn’t exactly numb, but he wasn’t full of the joys of spring either. His anger was subdued but so was his ambitious nature.  Nothing seemed to matter that much, except the hopelessness that he felt.
 

Gemma nagged to no avail. She tried to bring him back to normality with seductive acts, and dangling vacations in front of him, but nothing jump started his motor. He stayed in this morose, worn out, hopeless place, anxious about doing anything but hiding out.
 

What’s going to become of Tyler, his health, his marriage and his business if he stays locked in this stress-induced depression?

It’s a good bet he will suffer loss of self-worth and feel powerless. He will probably be zonked out on medication and or alcohol to make things easier. He may lose his wife and business if he remains in this awful place.
 

The secret to getting out of a stress-induced depression
 

Research published in the journal Nature in June 2015, found that focusing on positive memories could ‘override’ the negative effects of a stress-induced depressive mood. Stress is known to damage the memory centers of the brain, making it harder to learn, or unlearn and retain the new information. But a deliberate focus on past positive experiences can dampen if not negate the harmful effects of stress that triggers a depressive state.
 

Recalling those positive experiences alters the neurochemistry in the brain by neutralizing the effects of stress hormones in memory cells of the dendate gyrus area in the brain.
 

So, how can Tyler use this research to counter his depression and empower himself again?

1. Recall times in his marriage with Gemma when he experienced her as caring and sensitive to his needs.
2. Re-live and recapture the good feelings of lovability and self-worth he once enjoyed by using photos and videos of better times.
3. Listen to music that evokes those happy times.
4. Watch shows that remind him of his carefree, humorous and wild times with or without Gemma.
5. Eat foods that he once enjoyed and looked forward to.
6. Share all of the above with Gemma.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Six ways to avoid anger, stress and depression that ruins your relationships

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Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Sadness, loneliness, lack of energy, withdrawing from the world

 

You may find it hard to believe that anger may be at the root of your sad and lethargic feelings when you get depressed. But the link between anger and depression has been established centuries ago by the Greek philosophers and then more scientifically by the turn of the 19th century.

Treatment with SSRI's is the most widely practiced medication route. But recent research shows that there are two types of depression and that SSRI's are at best no better than a placebo (sugar pill) and that where they are effective, they are more helpful (with psychotherapy) for one  more than the other.

 

Depression triggered by anger at yourself

When you are down, do you find your critical and judgmental voice beating you up because you didn’t match your ideals? Do you feel like you let yourself down even though you did your best? Anger at yourself makes you more likely to experience a war within yourself that exhausts you and makes you want to step back from life so that you don’t have to fail again, and hear the self-torturing condemnation that goes on inside your head.

An article reported in 2009, Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, describes the strong relationship between anger and depression, with guilt and shame strongly featured in the mix.

Words from loved ones that attempt to make you feel good don’t work because they feel so unrealistic and therefore not worth taking in. You can’t be comforted, or allow yourself to go easy on yourself.

A 2002 study reported in Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, found that self-critical  or introjective depressioni is based on negative self-evaluation of self-imposed unrealistic standards of perfection.

In addition, growing up with at least one harsh and judgmental parent, made you fearful and mistrusting of people who supposedly want to take care of and comfort you. Not only did you internalize that harsh and critical voice but you were suspicious of anyone offering a soothing balm!

The stress of having to bear your own condemnation and wrath is painful, and chronically so. Your suffering may be so overwhelming that it becomes a pain in your body. It could be headaches, back pain, muscle or joint pains. Your type of depression is linked to stress induced physical pain because you have closed the door for emotional comfort or compassion.  

Antidepressants like Cymbalta  target physical pain but they don’t really work for introjective depression because the area of the brain that is responsible for rage doesn't respond to this class of drugs.

Taking the exit ramp to the empty-lonely road, tends the mental lashings and restores your sense of well-being.

Sometimes your harsh judgmental attack on yourself makes you isolate yourself from the world which is more tolerant and compassionate than you are in the moment. So you end up feeling empty and alone when the punitive voice has done its worst. The shift to a more lonely and fearful place may help you seek comfort and security in others to make you feel worthwhile again.

Ironically you have shifted to the opposite pole of depression to escape the discomfort of this one, as you will see below.

 

 

Depression based on anger at others

If you feel lost, alone and empty when you are down, it’s most likely brought on by anger at losing a relationship that you relied on. It could be a friend who doesn’t call anymore, a close family member who moved away, or a mentoring relationship that came to an end. You may find yourself trying to fill that hole with food, alcohol, work, or being busy just to numb yourself and feel stabilized again. Or you might get clingy with others, feeling unsafe and scared to be on your own.

The 2002 study above found that the empty sad type of depression, known as anaclitic depression was characterized by a need to get reassurance and approval from others by meeting their high standards. So if you are not ‘perfect’ as others apparently expect, you risk losing them, you get stressed and insecure, and your feelings of self-worth plummet.

Growing up trying to please your parents or other loved ones and not succeeding made you feel ‘insufficient’; and so you attempted to win their approval by trying harder to be what they wanted you to be, losing yourself in the process. Having lost yourself, you are empty and scared.

When you constant efforts to be accepted, and “good enough” for significant others fail, you fall into a depressed state. You get angry at others for not acknowledging and rewarding your efforts, but you can’t show this imperfection, and get put in the reject pile for good!

Antidepressants such as SSRIs when they work at all, are better able to alleviate anaclitic depression because the symptoms of sadness can be lifted when more serotonin is made available.

 

Self Criticism helps you armor up and prevent yourself feeling so sad again

You may begin blaming yourself for ever letting yourself get attached because it just ends in abandonment, so why bother? You armor up against being sad and empty again by beating the drum of strength in not needing anyone ever again.

To escape the weak feelings of anaclitic depression to move towards introjective depression, evaluating yourself harshly and engaging in a lot of critical self-talk so that you will feel strong and not need anyone.

BUT, you are still depressed and continue to shift between the self-critical to the sad and lonely and back again.

 

Anger at not being perfect is at the root of both types of depression, brought on by lack of adequate acceptance and nurturing in the early years.

Working in an accepting, tolerating therapeutic relationship where you can express your anger – AND your guilt and shame about it is the best long term solution.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

 

AUTHOR OF 'Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships."

You might also like:

Four ways to silence your self-critical voice

Six ways to avoid anger, stress and depression that ruin your relationships

Depression buries the anger that helps you connect with loved ones

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond.

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Juliette was at the end of her rope

Working as a risk management specialist for a large medical group was getting 36-year-old Juliette down. She was exhausted and had no energy left for her husband, 38-year-old Elliot and their 5 and 6 year old children Aden and Mara. She hated having to work, but was the only breadwinner. The pressure on Juliette made her depressed. All she wanted to do was to sleep. She left the chores to her Elliot who attended to them with pride, seeing them as his contribution to the family.

Even when she was awake, Juliette felt fatigued and disinterested in playing with her kids. She preferred to look on as Elliot engaged them in cycling, swimming and ball games. She was easily upset when things didn’t go right with the family, and felt useless as a mother, sister and wife. Depression had taken hold, and Juliette was steeped in a lack of self-worth. Her anger at having to be the breadwinner was buried in the depression, as was her disappointment and resentment towards her husband for not taking on that role.

The happiness Elliot felt taking care of the home and family was tainted by his anxiety about Juliette’s depression. He was scared that if she got worse and couldn’t work, he would be forced to step into the breach! Since losing his sales job three years ago, he had given up looking for other opportunities having had little response and numerous applications rejected. He had settled into being the primary care taker, but Juliette’s depression was stirring up fears again. Frantic efforts to cheer up his wife, and fix whatever problems she talked about didn’t make things any easier. She just got more and more morose and shut down, hoping that he would take up the baton and support the family.

 

They didn’t talk about Juliette’s depression or about Elliot’s anxiety that he would have to get a job if she didn’t pull herself together. They were caught in a vicious cycle where Juliette’s depression made her more dependent on Elliot to take care of parenting, housework and the children’s school issues. The more dependent Juliette became the more Elliot countered that he couldn’t get a job because he was burdened with all the child care and household management!

Depression promotes stress about not being able to cope, resulting in poor romantic relationship outcomes, says a study reported in Clinical Psychology Review, 2010.

Another study reported in Communication Monographs, 2015 monitored the communication between romantic couples where one partner was depressed.  They found that depressed members of a romantic partnership avoided talking about the depression and how it impacted their relationship, as well as about the relationship itself.  The uncertainty about the status of the relationship was the primary reason for avoidance. Women were less likely than men to talk about the depression, exacerbating the uncertainty in the relationship.

Depressed people like Juliette are motivated to avoid negative outcomes and often use avoidance as a way of managing their relationship problems. Although it may ease the stress in the moment of choosing avoidance, over the long term, there is a price to pay. Opportunities to practice interpersonal skills are removed. Chances to deepen bonds through understanding and empathy are neglected, leading to and interpretation of each other’s behavior in increasingly negative ways.  The threats to their identity as individuals and members of a couple are never faced and resolved, adding to the stress, and deepening the depression, as reported in an article in Clinical Psychology Review, 2011

A depressed partner may take anti-depressants like SSRI’s (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lexapro, Cimbalta, Effexor, Celexa etc.) and still not get any better. A recent study reported in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Feb. 9, 2015 found that stress prevents the medication from doing its job, making the depression even worse. This study described the ‘punishment center of the brain’ (lateral habenula) that rules, making a person feel down on themselves and more depressed.

Put that together with a finding that placebo pills were as good if not better than anti-depressants in affecting mood (Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics. 2010) we have a perfect storm of bad feeling and estrangement between a romantic couple. Putting Juliette on anti-depressants won’t make her better, nor will it remove the cause for her depression. She needs to be depressed to push her husband into being the breadwinner.

 

 

So what can this couple do with this awful situation?

 

Attend couples therapy and begin the process of implementing these 6 essential steps

• Discuss their expectations of each other.
• Express their disappointments, fears and anger at one another for the roles they are forced to adopt.
• Discuss the depression, it’s purpose and impact on the family, including the rage Juliette suppressed, about having to be the one supporting the family when she really wanted to be the one taken care of.
• Explore coping mechanisms for the relationship stress by noticing the trigger points.
• Begin the process of sharing parenting and household tasks
• Shift Elliot from feeling “forced” to get a job, to “wanting” to get a job

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Expressing anger is a pain relief mechanism

Unresolved anger and stress keeps you depressed longer

Depression buries the anger that prevents you from communicating with loved ones

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Anger and loathing leads to stress and depression

 

The Path From Anger To Stress to Depression

Anger and hatred often go together when you don't get cared for in the way you want and expect. If your expectations and hopes are dashed over and over again, the anger and loathing get bigger and more ferocious.

But you are probably too scared to let it out.

You feel love and hate for the person at the same time. These two contrary feelings put you in a bind.

You can't walk away, and you can't express your rage.

You fear that if the one you are upset with will crumble. Then you won't have anyone to be be attached to, and being alone is more frightening.

You imagine that the person you are mad at doesn't care about you – in fact they hate you and  are just one step away from walking out on you!

So you keep it all in, seething inside with no room for anything else.

All that scary anger makes your body release stress hormones to cope with the intense anger that threatens your heart, blood pressure, digestive system and mental well-being.

Chronic stress not only causes several serious health problems, but often leads to a long and unrelenting depression. You may not even be aware of it, because you have got used to the exhaustion and sense of depletion that comes with being stressed. You already feel depleted, so adding demotivation and lack of vitality isn't such a change.

But depression is serious.

Depressive symptoms

• Your self-esteem and confidence plummet.
• Your sleep cycle is disrupted. You may sleep for longer periods or not get much sleep at all.
• Your appetite may increase or decrease.
• You lose your libido.
• You are more prone to pain – headaches, back aches, joint and muscle pain.
• You can't relate to people socially and curtail your activities.
• Your concentration wanes and you are more ambivalent when it comes to decision making.

 

Depression is Anger Turned Inward

Pretending and or denying your anger and fear about the disappointment in your significant relationships alters the trajectory of the anger towards yourself. You are more willing to kill off your real-self than destroy loved ones and be alone. That is psychological suicide.

Anger turned inwards makes you false to yourself. Your pretence turns you into an inauthentic person, and your psyche can't survive under that constant murder of your true self.

Depression is often brought on when we move too far away from our true selves to be something or someone that we think we should be to gain some sort of prized place in society.  Skewing yourself too far in one direction is not psychologically healthy, so depression puts the brakes on.

 

 

When you garden, your body gets rids of harmful enzymes accumulated during stress induced depression.

A recent article in Br J Psychiatry, 2014, revealed that the effect of antidepressants on allieviating depressive symptoms was largely controlled by expectations of those taking them. Given that these medications are not guarenteed to help you, why not turn to what is known to help in the short term and in the long term?

The journal Cell, Sept, 2014 published an article proving the biolgical effect of exercise in nature (such as gardening) being especially beneficial to stress induced depression. Harmful kynurenine, a substance produced by stress, is converted by muscle into a neutral chemical, detoxifying your system.

Gardening is connecting with nature in a hands on intimate way. It's as if the act of getting involved – getting your hands dirty so to speak is a way of you touching your own roots and feeling your own soul in an authentic way.

Planting and hoeing, trimming and cleaning – it's a metaphor for what you are doing inside your psyche. That's why it's so healing. And if you are growing produce you are also taking charge of feeding yourself something real rather than some arbitrary goal of reaching some status in life that may or may not be nourishing

Gardening also helps you feel good about yourself when you see your efforts bloom in a tangible way that depends on no other person. There is an immediate response from seeds when they germinate, or a plant that wilts and dies if you put it in the wrong type of soil.  In addition gardening means dealing with nature that you can't control perfectly – insects, weather etc. That is something that is part of the depressive process – to mourn the loss of what you can't control and learn to adapt and be more flexible to what life brings – rather than try to fit some predetermined goal.

Gardening provides something to look forward to each day, several times a day when you go out to check how your plants are doing, and care for them in the tiniest of ways – removing a dead leaf, or dead heading a spent bloom.

Exercising in natural surroundings is the key to relieving the symptoms of depression by being in touch with nature, Ecopsychology, September 2014, and gardening is a great form of physical exercise.

So get gardening, even if it is one pot with one plant indoors or a few on a balcony. One large container can give your vegetables and edible flowers, scent and color – that you help nurture and create. When you do it you eliminate stress and create a more wholesome you. Then you can express your anger without fear of loss.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

 

You might also like:

How to get your loved one to prove their love without using anger

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Unresolved anger and guilt keeps you depressed longer

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

What other emotions are you really feeling that aren't about anger?

When you are angry most of the time it's very wearing and tough to live with.

You just want to numb it out so you can get on with the day.

But when you go numb you get into a dark place. You get depressed and become isolated.

It's good not to feel all that anger and other stuff but it's lonely, empty and demotivating.

You want to come out of that dark place and connect with people but you don't want to bring all that anger that makes you so uncomfortable.

In that depressing place you can't tell the difference between anger, frustration, irritability or guilt.

Everything gets blurred and keeps you sealed up in listless depressing mood.

But what if you could discover all the underlying emotions that got mushed into anger and use them to be an active player in your life?

You can  do that if you start to identify all those other emotions that you feel which you have stuffed under the umbrella of anger just to make life easier – things like guilt and fear.

Learn how zooming in and labeling those other emotions, just like you do with the nice ones like joy and excitement and thrills.

Watch this video and get the information you need to get yourself out of your depressed state and manger your anger better by addressing the real emotions underneath.

Please let me know what you think about  this video in the comments box below.

What would you like more of?

 

You may also like:

Refocusing your anger can help you create the security in your relationships that you long for.

Five ways to use angry energy to empower yourself.

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

  Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Careless Terry is Mortified

Terry couldn't get over himself. He had hit his neighbor's car while pulling into his driveway. He was mortified at this inexcusable mistake. How could he be so careless? He wasn't unusually tired, so why hadn't he been more alert?

If Only the Clock Could Be Turned Back!

The damage to the car was the least of Terry's worries. Shocked, he was unable to take in any words of comfort or reassurance from his wife. He was oblivious to the affectionate nuzzling of his dog, and the adoring smile of his two year old daughter. He replayed the scene in his head a million times. Each time he pressed the rewind button he rehearsed ways in which he could have avoided this disaster. If only the clock could be turned back.! But life wasn't that kind, and neither was Terry. He tortured himself for not paying attention and bringing shame on himself.

 

Terry Wants To Hide In Shame

Visions of being chewed out by his neighbor flooded his mind. He imagined being shunned when he walked his dog. Everyone would know what he had done, and think badly of him. How could he hold his head up around the apartment complex again? Choked with horror he couldn't eat dinner. He couldn't sleep either. As the next day approached, all he wanted to do was to numb his feelings and hide from the world.

Terry's Wife Becomes Impatient When Terry Shuts Her Out

The next day was a blur. Terry called in sick to work and didn't take calls from friends or family. He exiled himself from the world in a depressive funk. One day turned into five weeks – thirty five days of shutting himself off from everything except his self-recriminations. His wife at first sympathetic and understanding became impatient and irritated.

"What's up with you? You're not interested in our child anymore, you're mean to the dog, and you avoid me like the plague. It's intolerable. You won't talk to anyone or let me help you. I'm fed up with being shut off. I'm moving in with my mother."

The Worst Imaginable Scenario Is About to Happen

In a flash Terry's wheels started turning. The worst imaginable scenario was about to become a reality. He must be an ogre for his wife to threaten him with the one thing that mattered more than anything in the world- being a good dad. Terry felt powerless. His wife had all the cards and he had no bargaining chips.

Terry Recalls Being Made Fun Of

The hollow pit in his stomach growled as he recalled his father punishing him by taking him out of the school he loved when he missed getting chosen for the football team. At that moment he had felt like a moron that wasn't fit to be alive, never mind a part of his family. Terry tasted the bitter cruelty of kids taunting him as he relived that humiliating experience. He wanted to disappear then as much as he wanted to evaporate now.

Terry excelled himself in math at his new school. Gradually he won the respect of his teachers and class mates. He was nicknamed "super-math-man." Kids asked for his help with homework. This superman thing was quite something! It got him noticed, made him popular and gave him a reason to take up space. But the one thing it didn't do was get his father's attention. Terry's confidence was squashed by his father's mocking tone calling him a nerd.

The Old Familiar Battle Begins Again

Accidentally hitting his neighbor's car rolled out this old familiar battle. The battle to win approval by being superman. Losing concentration and hitting the car burst the superman bubble. All that was left was the reincarnation of the ridiculing remarks made by the brats at school, and his father's belittling comments.

Terry played both roles. He was Superman until he hit the car. At that moment he forfeited his right to be a husband, father, friend and colleague. Terry the brat took over, gloating at Superman's downfall. The brat was in his element, enjoying this moment of superiority, laughing as Superman became hu-man!

Terry's Desire To Be a Good Dad Rescues Him From Depression

Superman Terry's refusal to eat, take calls or be comforted was his way of going off to die having lost his battle. But Terry's daughter saved the day. His strong desire to be a good dad made him put the old battle back in it's box, and try a different playing field. He took the plunge and come to therapy with me.

He discovered Terry the gentle, sensitive, loving and smart human being, who could forgive and learn from his mistakes. The turning point came when he got accepted and cared for because he was human enough to make mistakes. Receiving compassion enabled him to put it on his menu. Now he takes calls and responds to his wife. Terry was glad he got depressed because it gave him the impetus to let go of the superman versus brat battle and sign the hu -man peace treaty.