Anger, Stress and Anxiety Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

A LACK OF SELF-CARE LEAVES YOU DEPLETED WITH NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE AND NO CAPACITY TO RECEIVE

Are you exhausted taking care of your partner, your family, your extended family, your colleagues and your living arrangements?

Does it make you feel good that you attended to your partner and children, put them first and played the role of dutiful and loving care giver?

Perhaps you think that by making everything and everyone else your priority that you will be rewarded with appreciation, recognition, and admiration.

But there is probably another part of you that is aching to get off the treadmill and feed your soul. You know you are depleted and often not able to enjoy your relationship as much as you would if you didn't feel burdened with never ending duties and jobs.

You know that most of the day you shut off your feelings and needs because they conflict with your dutiful self. So you kind of 'die' inside, feeling less than human.

When you aren't able to fully enjoy your relationship, you put it in jepoardy. If you can't fully participate emotionally then the threads of connection get lose and threaten the unity between you.

In order to avoid losing your connection, you have to take care of yourself and others. It's not an either or situation, it's a "both" scenario. It doesn't mean leaving them and going on trips or avoiding chores for a day or two, but rather a recognition of your humanity and the important role it plays in maintaining and sustaining your most important relationship.

What is self Care and Why is it So Important In a Long Term Relationship?

Self-care means you tune into your feelings and needs, and take charge of getting them met. Self-care involves putting your contentment and fulfillment in your own hands, being empowered to create and utilize opportunities to have your emotional needs met – for security, stability, achievement, caring and being cared for.

Self-care is about valuing yourself in an authentic manner and taking your emotional and psychological wellbeing seriously. It’s more than just surviving physically so you can get by on autopilot. It’s about functioning as a tuned in, grounded, centered and flexible person, able to go with the flow of emotional upheavals that would otherwise decimate you.

Self-Care is relevant to both men and women struggling to keep their balance in relationships in same sex and heterosexual connections

The evidence for self-care in maintaining good mental, emotional and physical health

Science tells us that self-care is essential for healthy relationships with good boundaries and realistic expectations. Without proper regular and consistent self-care people end up in abusive relationships, co-dependent relationships, use and abuse substances and are prone to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and psychosomatic conditions like chronic pain, gastric and skin problems.

When we neglect self-care we are depersonalizing ourselves and giving the power and authority to others to value us enough to take care of us.

For example many of my clients will go on till they drop to show their commitment and martyrdom to their loved ones. They do this hoping to get permission to slow down and take care of their need for down time, alone time, play time and soul replenishing time. Then they get angry when those same loved ones respond by saying, " I never asked you to do this!" Resentment festers on both sides, and distance grows as each party tries to navigate the trecherous waters of isolation versus relying on one another in a healthy way.

Taking Care of You Own Emotions and Needs Makes Less Demands on the Relationship, Making More Time for Enjoying Each Other

How did you get to be this way? How have you become a master at taking care of everyone else and a loser when it comes to taking care of yourself?

Growing up in an atomosphere where your parents needs competed and conflicted with your own sowed the seeds for neglecting yourself. You were probably focused on making sure your parents were okay and were rewarded for it by getting some attention or treat. On the other hand, if you cried out for what you needed or showed displeasure when you didn't get it, you were most likely berated and or punished. So your needs became dangerous and ugly. You survived by putting all your energies into taking care of those around you, waiting for the praise and recognition, that you were important and deserved care too.

Real life examples of clients who struggle with self-care

A. Joanne, a 37 year old carer in a residential home for the elderly, cannot stop working and has projects lined up so that when one finishes she has another. She gets anxious when she has ‘space’ for herself because it echoes her childhood desperate need to “work” to please and get attention from her mother who was a work- a- holic! Now as an adult she is not able to be emotionally present for her husband, She is drowning in guilt She has to break a toe, forcing her to stop her frantic work/exercise routine and take time for some personal space. As her therapy progresses she is beginning to notice that she gets care from me just for being herself and that she doesn't need to please me in order to get it. This is the beginning of her entertaining the idea that she is worthy, and deserves to care for herself.

B. Brody a 39- year- old banker is permanently stressed out. He travels for work, has a large team to manage, and feels overwhelmed when he is at home and the demands of a wife and young children get to him. He feels guilty if he spends time with friends, sleeps too long or responds to work calls when he is home. He tries to organize activities and do practical household repairs and such to take care of his family, but never feels that he earns some "me time." He keeps waiting and hoping that his wife will see the pressure he is under and take him off the hook. But she doesn't, making him feel inadequate. Instead of taking care of his emotional needs he doubles down on doing things in the home, and then in the guise of 'fitness', goes for bike rides, in an effort to free himself of the vicious cycle.

C.Helen a 45- year- old personal assistant and single parent of a teenage boy has a hard time with self-care. Keeping house and home for her son, earning her way in life and managing co-parenting with a difficult divorcee she is easily overwhelmed. She gets exhausted, depressed, angry, protests and then drops off the world into a bubble and does nothing – giving herself back to herself in a way. She also develops pains and ‘fainting’ that make her stop being a robot and take care of herself. Otherwise she numbs herself with food.After a period of therapy when she has allowed me to nurture her, she then takes care of herself by joining dance, photography, and other creative arts classes, as well as being with friends. 

D. Tyrone a 32-year-old self made business man worried about his three young children all the time. He didn't trust his wife to treat them with care and kindness becasue of her harsh personality. He put all his efforts into ensuring that his kids had good nannies, extra-curricular activities to which he accompanied them, and most of all he made himself available to adddress their emotional hurt, anger, frustration, desires and fears. He went overboard on the latter because he didn't have those important things when he was young. He knew the toll it took on him and went all out to make sure his children didn't suffer in the same way. But while doing this, he completely ignored himself. He was tired all the time, pushed himself when he was exhausted and irritable, He hoped that his wife would notice, and learn from him so he could let go a little. But that was a pipe dream. He was always at hand to help his mother and siblings when they needed something, and they never hesitated to ask because he was so willing . Similarly with cousins and other extended family figures He was known for his unselfish devotion to duty, except that it was killing him. He didn't have any sense of self-care until his health started to deteriorate. His blood pressure rose with his weight, he started drinking and suffered insomnia. Finally well into his therapy he began to see the value of self-care. He was feeling empty and cut off from his loved ones. He gave of himself, but got nothing in return and was angry and bitter. We worked on him saying 'no' when he didn't want to do things. At the same time, we worked on his guilt about it, and his fear that he would be alone and shunned if he didn't take care of everyone the way he had been doing.

Beginning The Act of Self-Care: Setting up strategies

One of the most important aspects of self-care is to realize when you need to depend on someone for something. Self-care involves knowing and allowing yourself to ask for help and support for as long as you need it while you are dealing with difficult issues.Recognizing your energy limitations, stress overload, need for sleep or solace is a vital component to self care. Waiting till you get ill and incapacitated or someone rescues you to ease your guilt and suffering is the opposite of self-care.

1. Develop a hobby and or interest outside the family and make it part of your life, not just fit it in if you suddenly have a few free minutes.

2. Work on being aware of and in tune with your body without trying to push yourself into exhaustion just to feel the 'burn!'

Yoga, running, hiking, biking, swiming, dancing, tai chi, etc. 

3. Make sure you have healthy boundaries with family and friends. That means not getting sucked into other peoples needs and treating them as kids, while being encouraging when they begin to take care of themselves. Healthy boundaries includes developing a skin that takes care of what you are experiencing in ways that honor yourself, without panicking or leaking out for others to mop up.

4. Make time for personal 'check-ins' to discover what's going on inside you so that you plan for and take care of your needs before they reach a crtical point. A 30 second check in several times a day works and when it becomes automatic, your awareness will ensure effortless maintaining of boundaries and satisfaction of need. That means you won't be over dependent or have others be overly dependent on you.

5. Express your feelings when they come up in the moment. That ensures that you don't stuff them, become stressed, ill and angry. Expressing your feelings in the moment educates others and maintains authenticity on both sides. Being true to yourself means you take responsibility for yourself, another term for self-care.

How do I as a therapist help clients engage in Self-Care?

In addition to helping my clients understand their mind-body connection, I help them view the repeated patterns of relationship interaction that create co-dependency rather than mutual inter-depenency. 

I have used art therapy – specifically collage to give them a chance to get in touch with and talk about their feelings, processing their experiences rather than just going at it. In addition I have found giving clients permission to step out of their routine and go to a museum, hike, spa, tea shop, farmers market etc. has been enormously powerful in developing habits of self-care.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2016

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Stressed About Having Second Child

Getting the news that she was finally pregnant, should have been immensely relieving to 25-year-old Kerri, but she was as stressed if not more than before. Previously she had been stressed about having her second child before she was 35 years old, but now she was stressed about not having enough energy for her lively first born, 4 year-old Eric. She fretted over giving him less attention and potentially creating a long term problem

 Family Relationship Issues Began the Negative Chronic Stress Cycle for Kerri

Recalling her own childhood Kerri remembered being the oldest in her family, and with each new baby that came along, she was pushed further and further into the background, being forced to take on parenting tasks. Her father worked long hours and was also in competition for the scant energy his wife may have for him when he was home. Kerri had vowed to herself that her children weren’t going to suffer like that, and she was going to make sure her husband Ari would never feel he had to battle to get quality adult time with her.

As a teen ager, Kerri tried to feel wanted and cared for by her school friends but it just wasn’t the same as being wanted by her mother. The only time her parents seemed to show any interest in her was when she was needed as a babysitter. She focused on her school work determined to be an independently wealthy professional, tamping down her anger, and the part of her that ached for the love and attention her parents never gave.

Stress made her want to eat – but she tried to gain control over her bingeing and purging

 Lonely, angry, stressed and depressed, Kerri started to binge and purge. Those activities filled in the gaps between her school and then college schedules.  When she saw clumps of hair falling out in the shower she had a wakeup call and stopped the binging and purging.  The stress of not being in control anymore gave her eczema. Her immune system had been compromised by stress.  Kerri did her best to deal with each new symptom as I came up.  Until she met Ari at a smoothie bar on her way from class.

He seemed entranced by her and she fell head over heels in love with his attentive and thoughtful nature. They were married within the year. Both decided to finish college and put off having children until their careers were well established. Ari became a hot-shot-celebrity lawyer, traveling all over the place to be on all the prime time talk shows. Kerri fulfilled her dream of becoming a business owner at the age of 30 with a profitable nanny and babysitting agency.   

Stress Effected Kerri's Health

Ari’s absences triggered her stress and she began to feel that same old sense of overwhelm, lack of control and a need to get even more busy to blot out the feelings.  She was angry but once again never allowed herself to process it or express it. That added to her stress. Shadowed with fatigue and insomnia, Kerri did what she knew best – distract herself with another goal. She decided to expand her business into a daycare facility. The bureaucracy involved did the job of using up the excess adrenalin from the stress, but the stress hormones like cytokines depleted her energy. She never talked to Ari about her stress, or her wish that he wouldn’t travel. She didn’t want to upset him or his career, and plus she was used to taking the burden in the household. It was a job she grew up doing, and doing it well. Aware of her previous response to stress, Kerri made sure she ate properly because she wanted to conceive her first child. She was careful to look out for skin problems and made sure she was well hydrated, used nourishing skin lotions and had regular appointments with her dermatologist. So far so good. Then one morning she awoke with stomach cramps and nausea. The cramps intensified after eating and she felt as if she needed to have a bowel movement at least 3 times per hour. Kerri was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome a week later. No organic causes were found, and stress was the named culprit.

Kerri deliberaetely blinded herself to her stress and it's harmful effects on her  future children

The recommendation to reduce stress didn’t strike Kerri as helpful. She had a new business plan and discovered that she was pregnant. She plowed on thinking that things would just get better and for a time the joy of pregnancy countered the stress. She had no idea that she had chronic stress and that it could affect her unborn child.

Research Evidence Predicted Problems for Kerri's First Child Directly Related to his Mother's Chronic Stress

Eric was diagnosed with Asthma at the age of two and a half. He had always been a colicky baby but now he needed an inhaler. The thought of him not being able to breathe at night unless she was watching like a hawk spiked her stress levels to acute proportions. Kerri was devastated, but did her duty and made sure Eric had his inhaler at hand at all times. What Kerri didn’t know was that in 2010 the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine reported on a study with high and low stressed pregnant women. They found that in the high stress group, women like Kerri passed on their lowered immune response to their child as they passed through the birth canal, making them more likely to have allergic diseases such as asthma.

The journal Endocrinology published an article in June 2015 demonstrating that stress during pregnancy altered the healthy eco system of the gut microbiota in the maternal vagina, passing on that changed and less healthy bacterial system to the offspring on its way out.  Stress hormones passed onto the baby effected the gut and brain development, making the infant’s ability to manage stress much weaker than otherwise, especially for boys.

How can Kerri make sure her second child doesn't inherit her stress and be disadvantaged for the rest of its life?

Kerri didn’t want her second child of whatever gender to inherit her weakened immune response and be prone to all the stress related diseases that she had faced and more. Was it too late for her to manage her stress and give her second baby a strong immune system from the get go? No, but she must be willing to learn to de-stress and maintain that as a new way of life, because her stress is chronic and unrelenting.

Since she never learned how to recognize and attend to her stress before it became acute,

1. She has to begin to become aware of the earliest signs of stress like

Irritability, going from excess energy to depletion, exhaustion after rest, inability to concentrate

Tuning into signs of stress is the first step in managing it

2. She has to watch for her usual coping mechanisms and change them:

• For example, instead of bingeing and purging – write down her feelings regarding loss of control.
• Instead of getting busy with interminable lists of things to do – draw, paint, collage, make art in other forms which calms the brain and reduces stress hormones.
• Go to therapy and work on her stressed childhood. Above all this is the most useful long term way of letting the stress go, making sure she doesn’t pass on an compromised immune system to her next child, BUT that she doesn’t model stress behaviors for either child.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Do you feel frustrated and angry when other people like you, and see your worth, BUT your partner thinks you are a waste of space and is always complaining about you?

Why be pushed and pulled, when you know who you really are and like it?

All you get is insomnia, anxiety, pain and suffering.

Maybe you have a wish that one day your partner will stop being blind and see what a treasure you are, and be eternally grateful!

You know that it is unlikely.  You can hope and wait for ever, OR you can take steps to fulfill that wish yourself.

Being assertive makes you self-empowered, which in turn grounds and centers your sense of self. You don't rely on your partner or others defining you.

This video tells you how to do that by following 2 steps, on a consistent basis. Do it for yourself or work with me individually so that you can end your suffering.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this video is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Unable to sleep for the third night in a row, thirty-six-year-old Orrin, an investment analyst, got up and took his prescribed pain killers for his lower back pain and sciatica. The relief was temporary and he awoke from a drowsy state with intense throbbing pain down his right buttock, thigh and leg. His lower back pain made it difficult for him to get out of bed, so he used the cane he kept near him to push himself up. He was angry that the pain medications weren’t working, and even angrier that all the physical therapy and meditative exercises he performed regularly had little to no effect.

At work, using his ergonomic chair and work station, the pain persisted, and the stress gave him a nagging headache. When he missed the perfect moment to make a trade for one of his customers, he wasn’t aware of being angry and he just kept going, trying to compensate by working harder. As the journal Anesthesia & Analgesia, 2007 indicated, chronic pain not only makes you uncomfortable, but impairs memory and concentration

He hated the carefree attitude of many of his colleagues, believing that they were shortchanging their customers, and ultimately tarring him with the same brush. He nipped his rising anger in the bud and tried to outdo the performance he had achieved yesterday. But the stress of being mocked by the team elevated the pain in his lower back, and gave him stomach cramps. He was in agony, and took more pain medication that gave him little or no relief. He tried walking around to relieve the pressure on his sciatic nerve but he was so tense that it was a washout.

His thirty-eight-year-old wife Amy offered to massage his back. It felt both relieving and anxiety provoking. He recalled the times when he’d longed for his mother to soothe his headaches and stomach aches, his cuts and bruises and his fears and doubts – but she usually palmed him off with candy and/or video games. He remembered how angry he used to get, but he never showed it, terrified that if he did, she would retaliate with her rage. His mother’s rage was unpredictable and fierce. She would throw food around, hurt he dog and yell at Orrin just for being around! He had prided himself for not losing his cool as he grew up. But was it worth it?

Orrin grew to be afraid of his back pain and stomach cramps returning when the medications wore off, or when he went back to his stressful work environment. It was the same fear he had as a kid when he anticipated the pain that would come with his mother’s smacks and verbal abuse. Negative emotions interfere with the brain processing of actual pain, increasing the anticipating of pain, which in many cases makes it worse, as reported by Gastroenterology, 2011.

Later in the week as Orrin’s throbbing lower back pain prevented him from sitting in his office chair, he found himself welling up in tears.  Sadness enveloped him, making his pain feel even worse, as outlined in an article published in Biological Psychiatry, 2010 – which found that sadness disrupts some neurocircuit pathways in the brain that process pain.  Sadness and depression drive the pain, making it feel much more intolerable.

Despite the sadness, Orrin was very aware of his anger and didn’t ignore or re-label it as ‘just frustration.’  He was furious that the one thing that usually distracted him from the pain – his high pressured and fast paced work – was not possible. He swore and cussed under his breath, threw down his briefcase and went outside. Walking along a nearby nature trail he let out his anger. Sometimes it was by kicking a twig and other times by repetitively banging one rock on another, while swearing and cussing to the squawking crows around.

A couple of minutes later his pain had substantially subsided. He couldn’t understand it, but the relief was palpable. The Annals of Behavioral  Medicine 2013  published an article demonstrating that only Anger Awareness and Expression Training (AAET) was effective in promoting emotional processing and expression leading to less pain, particularly in headaches. The authors indicated that the paid reduction comes when swearing triggers the fight-or-flight response of stress, obliterating the link between fear of pain and the pain itself.

Having put his emotional pain into words by expressing his hurt and anger that he harbored over so many years, released his physical pain. The journal Emotion reported in 2007, that attempts to suppress anger amplifies all the irritating and uncomfortable aspects of pain perception. So by taking the muzzle off his anger reduced the sensitivity of the pain receptors and brought some respite.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Now that Maureen a divorced medical secretary had reached her fiftieth birthday, raised her children and had a chunk of disposable income she wanted to go on cruises with her friends. But each time she thought about booking her travel plans she felt sapped of energy. Her allergies played up and she lost the will to go through with her plan. Sometimes she got as far as buying theatre tickets, but a day or two before the show she would be swamped with work and too exhausted to use them.

Unable to have what she looked forward to, Maureen became anxious and stressed. Her allergies got worse and she had to stuff herself with Benadryl just to make it through the day. She worked hard for her money and now that she didn’t have dependent children or a boyfriend, she felt entitled to use it on herself. But she was either too busy or too sick to take advantage of her good position in life. After noticing that she continually missed out on her dreams, Maureen got angry and felt deprived. She felt as if life was taunting her with goodies and then snatching them away at the very moment she reached out for them.

On the odd occasion that she did go out with friends and enjoy a meal she was wracked with guilt.

She came home with a massive headache and drank herself to sleep while beating herself up for being so foolish with her money. She told herself she didn’t deserve her evening out, that it was just an indulgence and she ought to have used the money to buy her granddaughter ballet classes. Maureen’s self-castigating added to her stress and worsened her allergies. No matter how much Benadryl she took she couldn’t get out of bed and lay there depressed, feeling unworthy.

Research Evidence About Stress and Allergies

What Maureen didn’t realize was that antihistamines like Benadryl isn’t effective for stress that is long term or that peaks on particular days, according to researchers from Ohio University, 2008, and others, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology, 2009.

A report in Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology,  2014 indicates that allergies are exacerbated by actual stress and perceived or anticipated stress, and recommends relaxing and doing fun things, meditating and deep breathing exercises to reduce stress in order to minimize its effect on allergies. But the troube is that stress caused by long term emotional problems don’t respond to these remedies.

Maureen’s source of stress was way back in her childhood

Growing up in a large family, Maureen had never felt seen and wanted. Shuttled from her parents to her grandparents and then aunts and uncles when it suited her carers, she longed to prove her value. She excelled in school and used her smarts to get jobs at the weekend to earn money and buy stuff for herself and family members. She didn’t want to feel like a burden, and enjoyed taking care of others. Basically she bought herself a place in their good books. That’s what made her feel good, and when she spent money on herself it didn’t give her that same sense of value and self-worth.

So Maureen filled most of her waking hours busy – as far away as possible from her feelings of not being wanted and loved for who she was. The long term stress that she endured wasn’t easy to manage. She read self-help books when she couldn’t sleep at nights. She bought meditation DVD’s and tried Yoga a few times before she felt guilty about working on herself and reverted back to her routine.

It wasn’t until she couldn’t shut out the fear of not being loved just for herself any longer that she came to therapy. Nothing distracted her from the palpitations and breathlessness that she experienced on waking up and during here working day. Physical checkups revealed no problems with her heart or lungs and Maureen was left with having to face the fears and the guilt about wanting to have a good time but believing that she didn’t deserve it in the eyes of her family.

In psychotherapy we worked on Maureen’s terror of being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and anger about her childhood. Putting words to them and feeling them in the presence of someone who understood her dilemmas gave her permission to value herself for who she was and not just for how well she took care of others at work or in her family. Gradually her stress levels abated and her allergies subsided. She is now able to handle yoga and meditation without the terror that her suppressed feelings would overwhelm her if her mind was at rest.

Take the stress quiz

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

It was eleven o’clock on a Tuesday morning, and Raul, a thirty-six-year-old property developer was struggling to keep his mind focused on the high powered meeting he had organized. He felt sluggish, his mind wandered and he could barely keep track of the agenda items he was supposed to bring to the table.

For the last six months he had felt lethargic and uninterested in things that he usually enjoyed. He stopped playing squash with his best mate, and he rarely went out on Friday nights with his interior designer wife Pat to their favorite restaurant as they used to do. His day-to-day routine felt awkward, as if he were undertaking something foreign. His autopilot stopped working and he had to force himself to think hard about the simplest of things over and over again.

Raul was depressed but he didn’t want to admit it.

It couldn’t be happening to him. After all he was the whiz kid who started his own company at age 18 and rocketed to becoming the biggest and most famous property developer in the State of Utah. From fancy upmarket shopping malls to exclusive residential gated communities his name was on all the signs. But just when he was about to expand to China and India, his body slowed him down. At first it was just the odd headache that stopped him from ‘Skyping’ all night with people on the other side of the world. Then he developed a pain in the back of his right shoulder that made him feel he was carrying an enormous weight. A week later he noticed that he was clenching his jaws and gritting his teeth – unable to relax his facial muscles. Then the pain all the way down his right leg throbbed and kept him awake night after night.

Medications didn’t help like they used to, and Pat’s home remedies and massages felt loving but did nothing to ease his symptoms. Slowly Raul’s various aches and pains turned into a sort of panic. When he got in the car every morning, he felt his heart race for at least 30 seconds and he often wondered whether he was having a heart attack. Yes, he knew that he should slow down and smell the roses, but that was crap! He needed to prove that he could do what his father talked of but never did. Raul wasn’t a dreamer, he was a doer! Yet no matter how much he achieved it wasn’t sufficient proof that he was not like his dad.

The stress of trying to be as different to his father as possible had been with Raul since he was fifteen – when he saw his dead beat dad take to the bottle after losing his job as an auto-mechanic –  giving up on life, and his responsibility towards his family. Raul’s anger was murderous, but he channeled it into making something of himself as an entrepreneur and had succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.  Yet the anger still rankled him. He had never expressed his fear of having to take care of his family after his father gave up, and he continued to be bitter about the way he was forced to grow up and support his drunkard father.

Years of bitter anger added to the stress of being robbed of his teenage years before his time. But Raul’s discomfort with expressing it made the stress a chronic condition, ultimately leading to depression at the pinnacle of his career.

This time it was serious. It had lasted much longer than his previous dips into down states which he had always been able to get himself out of.  Now his whole life seemed like a nightmare that made him not want to do anything. The more he tried to force himself the less productive he was.

As reported in The Proceedings of The National Association of Science in May 2013, chronic stress makes depression last longer. It prevents regeneration of nerve cells in the brain that would normally counter the chemical imbalance linked with depression. So without the necessary neurotransmitters to change and rebalance his mood, Raul was suffering a longer spell of depression than usual. And this time it was seriously threatening his entire way of life.

Until one day he couldn’t express his words clearly to his colleagues and partners around the world. He snapped at his wife and couldn’t bear her to touch him or want to have sex with him. That’s when he made the call to me and decided to come into psychotherapy, something he had thought weak and stupid for most of his adult life.

As we worked on the raw hurt of his early life Raul’s physical pain eased considerably. At first he felt the pain less intensely and later it was less frequent – we could always trace a flare up to emotions that he had not dealt with, that were adding to his stress load. But most important of all, Raul was able to decide what kind of man he wanted to be irrespective of his parentage and the hell he had been put through. He no longer needed to be the high powered executive since there was no one he had to prove himself to any longer. Instead, Raul and Pat took on exclusive clients and built their dream homes – inside and out – just as Raul had done for himself.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Depression buries the anger that prevents you from connecting to loved ones

Is anger spoiling the enjoyment of your achievements?

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The reunion between 43-year-old Petra and her two dogs when she got back home from an extended horse riding weekend on a Wyoming ranch was warm and rewarding, except for the serious outbreak of hives on her arms, chest and neck that itched, and made her feel ugly.

She couldn’t sleep, waiting for the morning to arrive so she could see her doctor and get answers to the questions swimming around in her head about why she was suddenly afflicted with this nasty outbreak – obviously she was allergic to something, but what? She had never had hives before, and the fact that it was so visible made her feel that she was being punished for leaving her workplace, and her dogs, which she rarely did.. Now, just when she was taking time out to enjoy herself, she gets slapped with hives!

The news from the doctor was no great help. Her immune system seemed to be having a non-specific reaction to something or other, and other than prescribing antihistamine she was told to wait a couple to three weeks for results. Petra just wanted to step out of her skin. It felt wretched, wrinkly, spotty, stained with red lumps that no amount of creams or lotions could soothe or hide. The medication made her drowsy and all she wanted to do was to go into a deep sleep and wake up in a new body with fresh skin.

Three days later Petra was despondent, wondering if she would ever feel good again.

She wasn’t able to concentrate on her management duties at a popular fast food franchise that was open long hours. But it was important that she take charge again and get everything back in order, because she didn’t trust the staff to work efficiently. In fact she had to make up for all the time she was away so that the business was operating in tip-top shape, putting her up for her fifth manager of the year award.

She didn’t feel like swimming or sailing, two of her favorite sports. Her mind was embroiled in questions about what was in store for her if the hives persisted. Even if this outbreak faded, would she be prone to having it again? Would it flare up every time she was stressed at work or stressed because she wasn't dating enough? Was hives something she had to live with as she traversed the bridge between being a young, single career woman, and entering middle age without a partner and having no hope of finding one? Was this the message that she was supposed to get from having hives at this juncture of her life?

Six months before her long awaited vacation Petra had been especially anxious about the ticking of her biological clock.

She hadn’t worried too much about it before her fortieth birthday, but since then she had periods when it became acutely alarming. She usually dealt with it by burying herself at work which easily consumed both her physical and psychic energy. But lately no matter how deeply engrossed she was in her work her focus seemed to shift to her being alone and childless. Despite dating men whom she met socially at friends’ homes or online, none of them did anything for her, and she was quick to find reasons why they weren’t right for her. Except for that one time she had a huge reaction to one man she was introduced to at the sailing club. Every pore of her being tingled and she didn’t know how to control her desire to throw herself at him. She wanted him to ask her out but she didn’t want to appear too eager. She was bitterly disappointed when the man didn’t read her mind and body signals, walking away on Sunday evening, leaving her sad, defeated and a little angry.

When Petra realized that despite giving herself good vacations like the horse riding weekend she was still unhappy, and that life seemed to be getting worse, she decided to attend therapy.

Petra described her alarm about having hives and how it spelled doom for her future. She would never be able to attract a decent man, wear swim suits or buy sexy clothes with this awful skin condition closing the door on her life as she knew it and imagined it would be for some time to come.

But as we talked it became clear that the outbreak of hives was a way for Petra to breakout of her narrow and constrained life. We acknowledged how hard it was for her to ‘escape’ the straitjacket she had existed in. Contracting hives on her return was like hiring a set of contractors to build herself a new, more spacious, and brighter place to live. But she couldn’t do that until she saw how ugly her old place was. The red welts of hives did just that. It helped her to shed her old tight skin and make way for a structure and scaffolding for the new home she was to live in.

Without the hives, she would have carried on as before, slowly dying inside with nothing but a brittle skeleton to show for it. But the hives made her slow down, focus on her emotional needs and finally build a house that would make room for relationships that could nurture and satisfy her.

 Hives are after all the homes of bees. They are strong and reinforced, yet flexible. They are ideal for the manufacture and storage of honey, the perfect food for developing creatures. Petra, like the bees had to develop her emotional life that had been stifled and strangled almost to death. She had to build a welcoming and strong house for her emotional life, and feed herself with the honey it produced, rather than wait for some miracle to happen, or for some magic spell to whiskk her into the land of fulfilling relationships.

Petra’s hives did abate and she started to date men with a more open heart and mind. The rest of her story is yet to come, but she is now firmly in a more supple and receptive spirit. She is making her honey and it is the ideal antidote to skin hives!

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

For the seventh time in less than a minute twenty-five year old Denise, a proof reader, found herself checking that she had marked the page she ended on before she closed the book. Each time she put the book down and tried to get out of her chair a huge wave of anxiety and panic swept over her. She couldn’t be sure she had marked the last page she had read and that meant that she would have to start the book all over again. As the panic washed over her she ‘knew’ that she had marked the page but she wasn’t positive until she had checked again. A blanket of relief came over her when she found the page marked, but it was instantly replaced by another dose of doubt that started the checking cycle all over again. It was as if she couldn’t hold on to that proof for more than a Nano second. Irritation and annoyance gave her a break from the anxiety and panic, but she was exhausted with these obsessive doubts, and her compulsive checking.

Feeling fatigued and depleted of energy Denise had no desire to go to her twenty-five year old sister Eileen’s birthday party. She just wanted to stay home and veg out. Just two hours ago she had been looking forward to the party. She had thought about what to wear and imagined playing with her two-year old niece Shelly and her one year old nephew Felix. But now it just seemed too much of a burden. 

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

One set of OCD syptoms lessened only to start up another set of OCD symptoms

The more she thought of the effort she would have to make to get ready and drive over to her sister’s place the more she started to worry about the notes she made as she did her proof reading. Were they complete? Were they legible? Would she be able to remember the nuanced points she needed to highlight as she prepared her final draft? The thoughts became so loud in her head that she had to go back and check all her notes, and not just the ones she had made that day. Panic drove her to check and recheck the entire set of notes she had made since starting the book, all the way to the penultimate chapter that she was now on.

Denise was consumed by the job. There was a mild rush of anxiety as she checked each page of notes, scanning for legibility and errors. But overall there was a massive sense of relief, as if she’d just been dropped into a soft feather bed. She felt weightless and free despite the rumblings of anxiety about her notes. By the time she had finished it was late and the party would be coming to an end.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Obsessive thoughts rescued Denise from having to face her envy of Eileen

The obsessive thoughts and compulsive acts had made Denise uncomfortable in the moment but they saved her from a fate much worse. For years she had been envious of her sister. Eileen had been the golden girl doing everything in life at the expected time and being praised for it by her parents. Denise was less outgoing and yearned for a slower pace of life. She found some peace and comfort when Eileen got married and moved out. She and her parents enjoyed their time, doing stuff together without any pressure on her to grow up and be like her sister. But then the first grandchild came along and her mother in particular was enchanted. She spent more and more time with Shelly and then when Felix came along both grandparents built their lives around Eileen and the grandkids. Denise’s comfortable existence was shattered.

Suppressed anger often leads to Obsessive Compulsive (OC) symptoms

She was angry and frightened at having to go it alone. Eileen had a smooth transition from home to marriage and family, but Denise was thrown in at the deep end and her rage was enormous. But the shame of her envy and anger was overwhelming. She couldn’t live with it choking her every waking moment. She couldn’t get rid of it either, so the only safe compromise was to distract herself from the envy and rage – by focusing on checking and rechecking her work. It did the trick since she never felt bad about her sister or the loss of her parents company. That took care of the stress that otherwise threatened to swallow her up.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Why on earth would OCD be useful?

Obsessive Compulsive behaviors often come to rescue you from anger and rage that feels shameful and destructive. An article in the Journal Cognitive Therapy and Research 2004 reported that people high in OC symptoms tended to experience more anger than those without OC behaviors. They also had greater difficulty controlling the anger and suppressed it as a way of managing the negative experience of their rage.

Another piece of research published in the Industrial Psychology Journal in 2001 showed that people with OC symptoms experience attacks of anger that become intolerable and result in depression to quiet it down.

OCD Therapy – Denise went to therapy from time to get relief from the exhaustion and annoyance of her OC symptoms. Each time she tried out the strategies of self-talk and refocusing it worked for a short time and then just like her OC it came back as strong as ever. But what did eventually make the OC go away was when Denise was able to feel safe enough to deal with her anger, envy and shame in therapy. Taking the risk of feeling those awful feelings freed her from the need to screen them, hide from them and ruin her life in the process. So when you want to know how to cure OCD think of the long term, go in for the long haul and deal with all the unbearable emotions that OCD may cover up and you will be free.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You might also like:

Understanding your panic attacks, part 1 – facing your dilemas

Understanding your panic attacks, part 2 – getting past shame

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Looking Forward To Warm Moments

Preparing for her younger sister's visit put some pep into Faith's steps. Her sister was the one member of her family that she kept in touch with. She had long since given up on getting her mother and stepfather to approve of her life choices. Cutting herself off from their judgment and disapproval had been difficult, but it made for a more peaceful existence. She recalled Nancy's last visit when they had fun talking about boyfriends and clothes, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having that camaraderie again made Faith feel warm inside. Both had become career women since then. Nancy was now a well paid executive, Faith was a Nurse practitioner. There was a lot to catch up on.

Anticipating Shared Sister Pride

Faith did everything she could to make Nancy feel at home. She and Bruno did the cooking and the cleaning and took Nancy out on the town. Faith wanted to show Nancy how different she was to their mother who never put herself out for her children or their families. Faith was proud of Nancy's rise to the elite classes, with company cars and lavish expense accounts. Now she wanted Nancy to be proud of how far she had come in finding a good man as a partner and a respectable profession to belong to.

The Disappointments Come Thick and Fast

The first disappointment came when Nancy didn't want to go with Faith to planned social events. It was as if Nancy was ashamed to be associated with her. The second let down was harder to swallow. Nancy never asked about Faith's job, her relationship with Bruno, or their future plans. Nancy used Faith's house as a hotel and didn't bother with even the most basic of social graces. Any efforts on Faith's part to confide in Nancy met with the same critical hostility and dismissal that her mother doled out. There was no togetherness, no reminiscing, no sisterhood.

Faith's Blood Boils at Nancy's Thoughtlessness

Nancy took the hospitality for granted, and Faith saw red. Her blood began to boil each time Nancy left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor and tuned the dial to her favorite programs without asking if it suited her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Nancy couldn't get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Faith Takes Her Anger Out on Her Partner

After Nancy left, Faith sniped at Bruno just for being in the same room. All the things she had wanted to tell Nancy, she said to Bruno. "Wash the dishes before bed!" she commanded. "You can do your own laundry, I'm busy," she pronounced as he got undressed for bed." I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week," she vented at him.

Bruno sniped right back. " Don't take your anger at your sister out on me! I am not your servant. You acted as if you were Nancy's slave, so what are you so upset about? If you didn't treat her like some queen whose blessings you were trying to earn, you wouldn't be in this state!"

Stomach Cramps Keep Faith Awake

Getting through the nights so full of disappointment and anger was no easy thing. Faith began to have excruciating abdominal cramps that kept her awake for the next week. She didn't want to reach out to Bruno, imagining that he would think she deserved it. Pain medication didn't ease her agony, nor did herbal remedies, soothing baths, heating pads, massages or cleansing diets.

" My night cramps have come back with a vengeance," Faith told me during our next psychotherapy session. I thought it was too good to be true when they eased up over the last six months. I am so frustrated. I can't get a good night's rest. Why does this pain torment me?"

Digesting the Anger and Easing the Pain

Faith and I had worked for some months with her pain symptoms for which no medical cause had been found despite exhaustive investigations. As we talked about the awful family life she had experienced and her fears that she would somehow make the same mistakes with a family of her own, the pains subsided. Nancy's visit stirred up all the unhealed wounds, and dashed hopes for loving family connections. Nancy's behavior had put salt in the wounds. Faith had kept quiet during Nancy's visit. All her pent up anger and resentment was lodged in her abdomen.

Talking about the pain her sister inflicted on her wasn't comfortable. A lot of tears were shed as Faith digested her hurt. She learned how to make herself less vulnerable in the future. The next day I got a message thanking me for helping her to sleep through the night, something she hadn't done in a while!

Take the relationship quiz and discover your relationship security profile. Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Irritable Bowel Disease makes Meryl want to stay home

Meryl woke up often through the night with abdominal pain and cramping. During the day she often felt bloated and uncomfortable. It messed with her appetite and eating routines. The constant tenderness in her gut made her afraid of going outside her home and work place. She worried about being near rest rooms. She was embarrassed about leaving events frequently to visit the rest room with no apparent relief. She never told anyone and pretended all was well.

Silence was Meryl's best weapon against emotional abuse

Meryl usually kept her feelings and opinions to herself. She had long since learned that the one sure fire way to avoid rocking the boat was to keep quiet. It wasn’t safe saying what she felt if her mother would go into a tail spin and shower her with a spate of hurtful remarks that she was powerless to defend against. It was dangerous to play with her father’s wrath if she dared to speak for herself. The only times she did so resulted in being torn to shreds and then ignored for weeks. Taking the blame for things that went wrong in the family seemed to make everyone else accept her, and reduce the condemnations. Self-silence and self-blame were the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that came with expressing her feelings.

Looking good in public was Meryl's ticket to feeling good

Meryl felt good about herself as a professional that other people respected. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that feeling of being admired and valued. She was the first to own the blame and fix problems at work. That was her insurance against nagging thoughts about what others may be thinking of her. It was like an automatic reflex that went into action the second someone she cared about was upset or angry. Self-silence and self-blame became Meryl’s way of protecting herself against the sense of helplessness and worthlessness that came with emotionally abusive interactions.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome was the culprit ruining Meryl's life

Meryl did a lot of research on her symptoms, altered her diet, took supplements and kept herself hydrated with water. She regulated her times of eating and made sure she fed herself regularly with small easy to digest meals. But nothing seemed to make a difference. It was time to consult with the experts. Meryl’s nursing background came in useful. She knew who to talk to and what questions to ask. A series of tests ruled out Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Colitis, and Chron's disease.

The diagnosis was Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) of the constipation type. It is a functional disorder in that physical symptoms persist in the absence of any structural or biochemical abnormalities. Twice as many women as men suffer from IBS.

Meryl was shocked and upset because it meant that there was no ‘cure.’ All she could do was ease the symptoms with medications when the flare ups were severe.

Research evidence on IBS and emotional abuse

A. An article in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine published in 2000 reported a strong link between emotional abuse and IBS among women.

B. IBS sufferers have a heightened need for social desirability (as reported by the Journal of Gastroenterology in 1990, and the International Journal of Psychiatric Medicine in 1992).

C. Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, so there is an increased need to look good, to be socially desirable. The need to have a good image conflates with the need to protect others from feeling bad, and triggers coping mechanisms like self-silencing and self-blame.

D.Self-silencing is a way of maintaining intimate relationships by silencing thoughts and feelings, resulting in a devaluing of the self. It is a way of avoiding emotional abuse.

E.Self-blame is another way of avoiding emotional abuse. It works by lowering self-esteem and accepting responsibility for negative events. Better to blame yourself than be skinned alive with abuse from so called loved ones.

F.Self-blame and self-silencing increase stress.

G.Stress hormones like cortisol exacerbate symptoms of IBS and reinforces the negative downward spiral.

Communicate feelings and thoughts for improved gastric health

1. Meryl can turn the tide for herself by taking the risk of speaking her mind.

2. She can practice sharing her thoughts and feelings with herself at first.

3. Next she can write them down.

4. Finally she can begin sharing one or two thoughts and feelings with trusted colleagues.

5. Allowing others to share in the responsibility when things go wrong will make Meryl experience a more realistic world, where she won’t have to protect herself against anticipated emotional abuse.

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