Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Do you hate your loved one so much that you want to hurt them and make them feel your pain?

Are you so enraged when they seem to be loving and then switch off?

It's natural for you to feel angry when you are given with one hand and then another and takes it away before you've even tasted it.

The stress of having/not having pumps you up with adrenaline.

THE THREE D'S OF ANGER, AND STRESS ENGULF YOU

You feel dismissed

You feel depersonalized

You feel dehumanized

SO you use your hate to do the same to your loved one  – you retaliate and use up that 'fighting' energy that stress gave you

You end up seeing each other as monsters, fight your ground and then move away, disgusted and spent.

BUT WHAT IF YOU COULD BREAK THAT CYCLE OF ANGER, HATE AND DESTRUCTION?

What if you could create a new brain pathway that helps you connect through your common experience of being dismissed, depersonalized and dehumanized?

WATCH THIS VIDEO AND LEARN HOW KEEP LOVE GOING INSTEAD OF LETTING HATE TAKE OVER

 

 

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2015

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Four ways to turn anger into love

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Six ways to feel good without having to make your partner bad

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Are you envious of other peoples relationships?

Are you consumed with frustration that other people seem to get what they want and have the 'perfect' relationship while you are struggling to get off the ground?

When you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your own relationship, other couples are viewed in idealistic terms. You imagine that just because they are out together or buying groceries together that their relationship must be warm and stress free.

You wan the same thing! You don't know why you can't have it, and you feel life is treating you unfairly, despite you being a 'good' person.

Thats what happened to thirty-seven year old Jocelyn after her marriage ended in divorce.

She was filled with rage that she had given her all in the marriage and yet it hadn't been enough to make it work.

Enraged by her husband being away a lot and shirking his responsibilities, she filled herself up with hate for him for making her end up alone with two children.

She kept the anger and hate inside, pretending that she was doing okay. But she also looked for any excuse to tear a strip off her husband when he wasn't paying what she felt she needed to maintain her household with the children. She wanted that money, and atonement money – she wanted him to bleed.

She tried to act like a single person and go out with friends but she felt even more angry that she had to start going out and date again!

Jocelyn found a million reasons why she would never find a partner again. So everytime a possiblity arose she stamped on it by saying, " I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm not funny and I'm not sexy!"

It worked. She made sure she never got a date – it was a great way to hang onto the anger and hatred.

Yet the anger and hate never went away. In fact it got a lot worse. Jocelyn couldn't stand the fact that he was enjoying his life while her life was going down the drain.

What are Jocelyn's options for dealing with the anger and hate?

She can sit back and complain about her misfortune, treating herself as a helpless victim on the one hand, and as a merciless avenger on the other hand when she gets mad at her ex-husband.

She can fill herself up with anger about life being unfair and leave no room to take in care and find a good connection.

She can blind herself to the love that is available because it doesn't match her wish to turn back the clock and force the marriage to work.

She can seethe with frustration, release stress hormones into her body and get sick.

She can have a fit about the fact that her efforts aren't being rewarded immediately or consistently,.

 OR

She can use that  frustration and the excess adrenaline that it produces to make it happen for her.

 

Three ways Jocelyn can use her frustration, anger and hate to get her share of the good things in life

1. Tune into the discomfort in her body whenever she is frustrated, revengeful and angry. Notice the enormous energy that could overwhelms her, but is at her disposal to channel –

2. Imagine the choice she has –

• use the anger, hate and frustration for destructive purposes – throwing a tantrum because she isn't given what she want.
• use the energy to get in touch with DESIRE.and use that force to open up a space inside where she can allow others to touch her, make her laugh, care for her and make her feel wanted.

3. Frustration is the mother of desire

Choose the second more hopeful option and put herself out there as the valuable person she is. Emotional energy can be used to wake up DESIRE for life and all that it offers. Without desire there is only destructive tendencies because no one took care of you the way you wanted. Fierce desire makes you walk through fire and wade through snake filled swamps.

When Jocelyn wants her life to be happy with a new boyfriend more than she wants to feel the power of anger, then she uses frustration transformed into desire to get her wish.

She needs to look for and take what she wants, not wait for someone to rescue her. That's where the frustration comes in handy. It catapults Jocelyn into a 'must have' place rather than a ' have to wait and see' place or a passive aggressive place just to get even. Taking revenge and punishing will only keep Jocelyn in a strait jacket of rage hoping it will burn the reality of the broken marriage into it's original attractive experience. Desire on the other hand is self-empowrering because it comes from the frustration of not being gratified by the person you depend on to care for you.

 

As the famous British Psychologist and Pediatrician Donald Winnicott said – a mother has to refrain from indulging a child all the time or anticipating every need. Without the feeling of frustration the child will never want to do something badly enough to grow and develop the skills and the pride of self-care.          

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Three ways anger at your partner's infedity saves your relationship for good

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Angry that your partner isn't who you signed up for?

Latest Media articles where I give expert advice

PGeveryday.com The One Suprising Activity That Brings Couples Closer

The Stir Cafemom; The Eight Types of Marriage – Which One Do You Have?

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you frustrated and angry that you seem to put on weight just by looking at high calorie foods, while others consume it as if there is no tomorrow and are as thin as reeds?

Then you may be under chronic stress that produces a biological marker called NPY that metabolizes your calories differently and makes you gain weight.

It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.

You have got so used to the stress that it probably doesn't register in the same way it would for someone having a new experience.

That's the problem. Your body then has to take over and try and protect you. Unfortunately it does it by making you store fat, and then you feel ashamed, guilty and even more of a failure.

Relationship insecurity and helplessness is the most potent source of chronic stress.

So watch this video and learn three ways in which you can become more aware of and master the stress so that you don't have to suffer weight gain.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You might also like:

Anger makes you fat and keeps you fat!

Stress and difficulty accepting help can make your hair fall out

Stress from guilt can worsen allergies and prevent enjoyment of life

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Making The Same New Year's Resolution

Jim made a new years resolution to give up smoking for the umpteenth time. Last year it had worked for 3 months , until a bitter row with his best friend weakened his resolve. The familiar comfort of smoking saw him through many a lonely moment. Painful memories that were played over and over in his mind were dulled as he inhaled and let out sighs of smoke filled hurt and disappointment.

Water Tight Procedure – It Will Work

This time he was more determined to conquer the habit. This time he made contingency plans for dealing with temptations and ensuring that his iron will overcame any emotional calamity, no matter how dire. He joined a support group, devised rewards for not smoking, and extracted promises from his colleagues and friends to come down hard on him if they noticed any signs of lapsing. He got the nicotine gum and the patch to get his through the worst cravings. He would call his sponsor if he had a desire to smoke, go out for walks, go to the gym, meet with friends or start a new project that would distract him from thinking of smoking. Notes to himself were stuck all over his apartment, desk, and car. A recording of his own voice reminding him to be strong with lots of good affirming statements from his cell phone recorder greeted him each morning and repeated every couple of hours.

 

So Far So Good

He was good to go. The foolproof structure he had constructed supported him admirably. He glowed with success as he saved money, found new flavors exploding on his tongue, and jogged for a mile without getting out of breath. He was proud of himself, and so were his cheerleaders. He no longer had to worry whether a date would be put off by his smoky breath! In fact Jim found a great girl who joined him in sampling new cuisines, and walking off their hearty meals.

The Bombshell Drops

He celebrated his seventh month without smoking by booking a vacation with all the money he had saved. Then came the bombshell. He saw his girlfriend in a close embrace with another man at a café while he was out walking.

Life Came To a Halt

For a split second Jim's life came to a complete halt. His breath ceased, dizziness made him unsteady and there was a strange sound in his ears. The next thing he knew he was inhaling smoke from a cigarette held in his shaking hand. The smoke filled his lungs, and jolted his heart beat into frantic action. The tinny sound in his ears grew louder as he tried to deal with the scene he had stumbled upon.

The Resolute Jim Gets Wiped Out

The Jim of the last seven months had just been obliterated by the savage betrayal he had just witnessed. He felt as if she had been propelled into another world with no land legs, and no compass to find his way to safety. Some automatic part of him had rushed to the nearest store and bought a pack of cigarettes. Grasping the familiar white tube, lighting it, and inhaling it was like finding his way home. The rush of nicotine mobilized his survival instincts, uncorking his rage to fuel his fighting spirit.

Jim Plucks Up Courage To Figure Out Why It Failed

Jim was horrified that he had fallen off the wagon so easily. He realized that something more than just a lack of will was at play. He got up the courage to address his deeper issue in therapy with me.

Discovering The Hard Wiring

Smoking had brought a smile to his mother's face after long nights waiting for her husband who never came home. When his mother smoked she wasn't absent like his dad, but right there with her kids, being a loving parent.

Jim learned that smoking was an effective pick-me-up. He used it as his comfort food when his first girlfriend dumped him. Eventually it became his indispensable pacifier. The rhythmic actions of inhaling and exhaling let out all the tension. His brain and body recognized the nicotine and smoke as dollops of reassurance. They responded by reducing the unbearable emotions that betrayal created inside him. Support groups and sponsors helped with minor let downs, but were useless when the big betrayal hit. He was hard wired to use cigarettes to manage the tsunamis.

 

Jim Disconnects the Old Wiring and Kicks the Habit

Jim disconnected the wire from nicotine to relief. He made new connections allowing love and care to take the place of nicotine. It was hard work but he did it. The therapeutic dialogue created fresh new neural pathways in his brain. He got relief and comfort from people who were reliable, trustworthy and loving. Now hid chances of successfully sticking to his new year's resolution are excellent.