Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you wanting comfort and security with your loved ones but not able to get it by being good, quiet, patient and hopeful?

Do you get mad and envious when you see other fully grown adults get pampered and taken care of when they whine and complain?

Do you wish you could get away with that?

Perhaps you have been harboring a secret wish that your loved ones would just do their job and love you the way they should, so that you didn't have to work so hard at getting them to even notice you.

When being good doesn't work, and you can't bring yourself to whine and complain because you are disgusted with those who do it, you are left with a gnawing fear that you will always be on the sidelines, lost and alone.

That fear grows into a powerful force eating you alive.

You have to get connected and loved so you can feel secure and get on with life.

Anger becomes your whip. If you can make your loved ones respond to the wrath of your anger they can get a taste of the fear you have when you feel like you are out in the wilderness.

So you so your anger to whip them into shape – to frighten them into loving you – it's great for that moment, but do you want to be doing that for ever?

Do you want to sabotage yourself and never get the love you deserve?

Watch this video and learn

• WHY you envy the whiners and complainers
• How to get past the envy and shame
• How to translate the anger into inviting, loving communications that get you loved back.
  

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Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you angry about having to do all the work in your relationship?

Do you feel like protesting against always having to take the initiative?

Perhaps the only way to protest is to shut down and hope your partner  will miss you enough to bring you back to life.

But it doesn't work, so you get even more angry and you get told that you have anger issues that you need to get fixed.

You are told that you need to go to anger management and that you really need to learn to control your anger.

But you feel justified in your anger.

You just can't take one more step towards working in the relationship and letting your partner get away with not doing anything.

That's exactly how a client of mine felt until he came to anger management therapy and learned to distinguish between 'work' in a relationship and getting his needs met so that his relationship felt nourishing and satisfying.

Watch this video and get a jump start on your relationship problems by following the advice I gave him.

 

 

 

Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

MORDI HAS HAD ENOUGH!

Dinner was over. Now came the awkward time. Making small talk, being effusive with praise for the hosts, and having to be entertaining for the crowd. Mordi hated it. He also hated to watch his wife sing songs and play the piano with her friends. He stuffed his irritation, told himself it wouldn't be for ever, and tried to pass the time in a tolerable way. They had agreed before the party that when he was ready to go, he would signal her and she would bow out of the group.

IMPATIENCE AND FRUSTRATION FUEL THE ANGER

Mordi inspected every book title his hosts owned, every CD they stacked near the stereo and read a stray magazine. He looked at his wife engrossed in the choral group. He felt excluded, forgotten and invisible. Mordi made faces at her, pointing to his watch and making head movements suggesting it was time to leave. Long sighs, and pacing up and down, Mordi's discomfort and annoyance was evident to everyone.

MORDI GIVES AN ULTIMATUM

"One more song" his wife pleaded. Mordi was inflamed. Who was more important to Lola, her friends or her husband? That was the burning question that pushed and prodded at his hot buttons. He threatened to leave without her if she didn't chose him there and then!

Embarrassed, Lola excused herself and left with Mordi. On the way home she asked

" Why do you always have to spoil my fun?"

 "You promised we would go when I gave you the signal. You broke your promise. You made me mad. It's your fault." Mordi blamed him wife.

 

WHAT IS MORDI'S ANGER ABOUT?

Getting Lola's full attention is desperately important for Mordi to feel worthwhile. If he doesn't feel worthwhile he gets agitated. The agitation grows into extreme distress, and he has to do something to get Lola to see how much he needs her to make him feel better. He has to protest her absence in such a way that she will realize how crucial it is that she return her entire focus on him. The only way Mordi could do that was to create a scene, embarrassing Lola so she would withdraw from her group and return to him.

Even if Lola protests in return – even if Lola isn't pleasant with him – he still succeeded in pulling her away from the group, and has retrieved her all for himself. An absolute necessity for managing his internal turmoil.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR MORDI TO GET SO ANGRY

Mordi's anger comes from a very basic human fear – that of not existing. When Lola ignores him by choosing other people, Mordi feels as if he has ceased to exist for her. Imagine how scary it is to feel wiped out, insignificant and lost. The sense of helplessness is monumental. Anger is his only way of building himself up, feeling alive, experiencing power and strength. It worked! His ultimatum was successful. His wife left her group and gave him her whole being.

 

MANAGING HIS ANGER

Mordi's anger is his antidote to fear and helplessness. So managing it involves developing a personal sense of power and strength that stays with him regardless of Lola's focus of attention.

A. EXPRESS NEEDS PRIOR TO EVENT

Sharing and negotiating his wishes before they go out into company will be the first step in exerting his sense of power.

1. It will make Lola more inclined to follow through

2. It will eliminate the need for the angry protest

3. It will calm the part of Mordi that is scared of being invisible

B. FILL UP WITH LOLA'S ATTENTION BEFORE THE EVENT

One reason why Mordi's feels bereft of Lola's attention when they are out in company is that he doesn't fill himself up before hand. Hungry bears growl and get mad. That's what happens to Mordi when he sees Lola take her attention away from him. Mordi can

1. Do joint activities with Lola before they go out with friends

2. Share affection, talk to and about one another – get the attention that fills the hole.

3. If the anger still comes up, Mordi should recall those moments before when they shared activities, affection and loving talk. He can bring her back to him in that way, so as to manage the anger.