Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You Mean I can Have What I Want?

Fabienne drooled over that gorgeous pair of shoes in the store window. Just for once she wanted to indulge herself by splurging on something personal that wasn't an absolute necessity. She had spoken to Larry about it and he gave her the go ahead. This weekend she was going to treat herself without doubts or guilt.

Saturday morning Larry twisted the knife. " I really need to go to that conference next weekend. Networking with the contacts will help launch my business. It's been so tough lately to market my ideas. This is a once in a life time opportunity. I need to reserve a place by Monday, but I don't have the cash. My credit card is maxed out. If I don't go to the conference all my efforts so far will be wasted. I might as well call it a day."

Emotional Blackmail

Fabienne's heart flew out of her chest. Her jaw tightened, her teeth ground together and her body went rigid. Gasps of indignation and disbelief gathered in her throat.

" What! YOU agreed that I could have them. YOU told me to buy the shoes this weekend.. YOU said it was fine with you! Now, just before I go out to get them you throw me this line! You really know how to put me on the spot!" blasted Fabienne who reeled with outrage.

" Do you want me to fail?" Larry continued with his emotionally blackmailing guilt trip.

Why is Larry Engaging in Blackmail?

When Larry initially encouraged Fabienne to buy the shoes, he was in a good place, feeling secure and connected to his wife. As the time came for Fabienne to spend money on herself, Larry was in a very different place. He was feeling envious that Fabienne was going to get what she wanted and he wasn't. He was desperate to 'get' something too. But there was only one money pot from which to feed. He couldn't come out and ask for the money because that would seem selfish. Touching a nerve that sparked guilt in Fabienne meant that he could get her to feel selfish and turn over the money. She would give and he could take without feeling bad about it.

Fabienne is left hanging

Should Fabienne Give into the Blackmail?

It had been so wonderful to get Larry's permission to get those designer shoes. For once he was putting her first. Then like a bolt from the blue he switched his position, making snide threats. Her self-esteem was crushed. Larry put her in a catch-22 situation. If she bought the shoes she would feel guilty and never wear the shoes with joy. She would never hear the end of it every time he saw the shoes in her closet. If she gave into Larry, he would get the upper hand and try this tactic again. She would resent him and want to take revenge.

Why Does It Have To Be Either Larry or Fabienne?

When Larry saw his wife having something enjoyable he felt left out and deprived. It was just like the times his father would eat all of his mother's home made pizza so that there was none left for him. It triggered the spot when his mother stopped reading bedtime stories to her son, giving precedence to the greedy demands of her husband. It was either Larry or his Dad, and more often than not it was Dad.

Regaining Control Was The Name of The Game

Larry grew up envious, feeling like a 'have not,' and it bothered him. He never figured out why his father always got priority over him. As an adult he was determined to get what he deserved, and make up for all the times he didn't get his fair share.

He managed his fury by using emotional blackmail. It gave him control in an acceptable way. It was as if he was getting that pizza and mother's attention without having to fight his dad for it.

Why Does Fabienne allow the Emotional Blackmail?

It was hard for Fabienne to feel deserving of nice things that weren't essential for her survival. She needed a good reason to justify the purchase of anything other than the basics of life. As a child, if she wanted a new book her mother would talk about her younger sister needing medication for her asthma. Fabienne grew up feeling selfish just for wanting something of her own.

Without permission and encouragement Fabienne never treated herself to anything she wanted. Larry's consent to get the shoes was the green light she needed to get those shoes. When he put the guilt trip on her, she relived those moments when her mother made her feel bad for apparently depriving her sick sister. Larry hooked her in that place. That made the emotional blackmail succeed, and he knew it.

Challenging the Blackmail

Fabienne and Larry are both caught in the invidious place that there are only enough goodies for one and that the 'neediest' one claims it. A weekly meeting putting their joint assets on the table and then sharing their needs and desires can create the foundation for a partnership where they agree on mutual priorities, and allocate the resources accordingly. When they see that they are both wanting and giving, not grabbing and depriving, they will find compromises that feel less painful. Making agreements together that fulfill needs in both of them mean that they both become 'haves' instead of 'have nots.'

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Barry Erases Valerie Again

Valerie was hurt and upset. Barry dismissed her plans for the Thanksgiving holiday but supported the same proposals coming from cousin Ruth. What made it even worse was that Barry seemed oblivious to the stinging rebuke he had dealt his wife. Silenced by the lump growing in her throat and the hot tears pricking her eyes, Valerie pretended to be busy in the kitchen. She had to get a grip on herself for the sake of her guests.

Nothing Valerie Says Counts

" I think we should go to the Mountains with Ruth and her family this year. We won't have to worry about our parents competing with one another for the best pies and stuffing." Barry commented as he got ready for bed.

" I've been telling you that for the last couple of weeks, but you only listen to Ruth." Valerie huffed getting under the covers.

" It's not true. You are just hypersensitive," snubbed Barry while reaching out to caress her.

Valerie Lets Barry Have it

Valerie pushed Barry's hand away and let him have it. "You really hurt me Barry. You do this all the time. Nothing I say counts. You ignored me when I asked you to pace yourself with the weight training. Yet when your mother warned you to slow down you immediately altered your schedule. I begged you not to feed the cat the remains of the Chinese food because she would throw up all night. You told me it was nonsense. But you believed your golf buddy when he cautioned you about the same thing."

"You are making a big deal out of nothing! What's got into you? Are your hormones playing up?" Barry countered, defending himself against the unexpected attack.

" I don't know why you bother asking my opinion on anything. You don't take me seriously. You make me feel that my ideas are worthless, until of course they are corroborated by someone else who has authority in your eyes. If I am so dumb why did you marry me?" Valerie pleaded.

The Marital G.P.S. Gets Hit By A Brown Out

Valerie felt disregarded by Barry and banished him to his own planet. Barry felt locked out without a key. Alone in their own kingdoms, the couple orbited around their relationship on different pathways. The martial G.P.S. got hit by a brown out, and neither of them had a flashlight to help them mend the fuse.

Valerie and Barry Are Both Scared

Scared in the darkness of conflict and misattunement, neither felt safe taking a step toward the other. Valerie insisted Barry had to jump onto her planet. She needed him to validate her foresight and wisdom by valuing her opinions. She wanted to feel like an equal player, not an extension of her husband. She was fighting for her individuality.

Valerie's Opinions Feel Threatening to Barry

Barry wanted Valerie to leap into his world and recreate the feeling that they were joined at the hip. That would provide the ultimate security blanket. It was unsettling and somewhat of a threat to have Valerie out there separate from him, with thoughts and feelings that were alien to him. That was the first step along the slippery slope leading to the break up of their marriage.

Barry Choices For Reconnecting with Valerie

Torn apart and distant Valerie and Barry feel lonely, and misunderstood. Each has a choice. Barry can sit on his throne, waiting for Valerie to come around, apologize, make up and feel victorious. Or he can choose to broaden the vista through which he looks at his marriage. He can chose to be curious and talk to her about her feelings. He can take a step toward reconnecting with her by understanding his part in contributing to Valerie's sense of devaluation. He can talk to her about how devalued he feels when he is cast off from her kingdom.

Valerie's Menu For Creating an Equal Partnership

Valerie also has a choice. She can wait for Barry to get so scared of being without her that he comes crawling with false apologies. She may feel vindicated at that moment, but it does nothing to ensure that this problem is solved. Alternatively Valerie can put on a cloak of empathy for Barry's sense of insecurity. She can encourage him to share his fears and educate him about similar concerns she faces about their marriage.

Trading the Tug Of War For a Partnership That Works

If Barry and Valerie choose to put themselves in each others' shoes, they create a third planet called partnership. In this sphere there is no tug of war, but a blending and enriching of each of them. They forge a strong resource that both can tap into when challenged by fears and insecurities.

Valerie's Planet, Barry's Planet, and the Marriage Planet Orbit Together

A healthy partnership has three planets in orbit all the time, touching and moving away as necessary to keep the marital universe stable. Each partner operates from their unique sphere, coming together and overlapping in the third realm of marital union, where the two trajectories meet, exchange, cross fertilize and flourish.