Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

After a relaxing weekend, thirty-three year old Daniel hated when he felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that a new week was about to begin. He enjoyed his two-days-a-week off so much that the transition was painful and anxiety provoking. The thought of leaving his ‘treasure island’ and re-entering the world of reality made him nauseous as he prepared to tear himself away from his personal paradise of ‘do-nothing-and relax’ time.

He had to up date his financial records; getting the flyers and ads out for new listings he had procured for his real estate business and keep appointments with his ten-year-old son Drew’s school meetings. He had to go back to being a robot to get through this week, just like every other.

The only way he could get himself ready for the job was to whip himself into a state of frenzy and panic – imagining the urgency with which he had to attend to the tasks as hand, for if he didn’t – he was a lazy, useless, unproductive, undeserving layabout!

That self-critical voice raised its volume and began pounding Daniel with guilt.

He was bad for doing nothing and enjoying it! He should be ashamed of himself letting so many important jobs stay undone. He needed to make up for it in a hurry because he had wasted to much precious time already.

Daniel got himself out of his reverie like a donkey gets up after being lashed unmercifully to do the bidding of its master. This master wanted to punish him for retreating into his care-free bubble and forgetting his duties. This unforgiving, over-active slave driver insisted that Daniel wasn’t going to enjoy any part of his working week as atonement for the two days of rest-and-recreation he had stolen.

He was filled with shame, comparing himself to his hard working parents who rarely took time to rest or play with him and his brother. Their lives were filled with jobs that seemed caring and that Daniel thought he should be grateful for. But he never was! All he wanted was for his parents to spend time with him, enjoying his company and he theirs.

He felt weak and helpless as that self-critical task-master inside him went on and on, louder and louder until Daniel gave in and shut himself out of his paradise. He began to tackle the jobs on his list like a demon, to erase the guilt evoked by his self-critical voice. As he got into the rhythm of his tasks, he detached himself completely from the haven he had just left. While he was on ‘duty,’ being a ‘good boy,’ he wasn’t allowed to have any contact, even in his imagination with his ‘off-time’ paradise. Masochism was the only way to manage his overwhelming anger.

But at the end of his robotic week, when he had paid for his crime of having time off, he melted right back into his precious island where that inner-critic was quiet until just before the next week began. What peace, what joy – heaven!

Until the whole cycle started again!

How Can Daniel Silence His Inner Self-Critic?

1. Identify the source of that voice from childhood – is it his dad’s voice making him feel ashamed of playing and having fun? Or is it his mom’s admonishments to be a ‘man’ and do more jobs around the house? May be it’s a grandparent who snubs him for not being a ‘good boy,’ and deprives him of treats.

Whatever the combination of voices, Daniel has taken ownership and beating himself up with it. So he has to disown that voice and give it back to those it really belonged to.

2. Develop his own voice so that the harsh self-critical one doesn’t come back and fill the empty space. He needs to make his voice represent his own beliefs, not those of his childhood carers. He doesn’t need to compare himself to his parents, and he no longer needs their approval in order to feel loved.

Doing that involves deciding what his beliefs are about working and playing. Is it okay with him to rest, play, unwind, and switch off? If so, when, how, and in what circumstances?

3. Remove the stark split between work and play.

Allowing himself time each day to rest and switch off will alter that punitive swing of the pendulum threatening him into action with shame and guilt. Having something to enjoy each day makes the working week bearable and balanced.

4. Create a more organic rhythm for work, play, rest, peace and relationships.

Focusing on what he is doing and has done at a time of recreation quietens the self-critical voice until it disappears. Getting in touch with your own natural rhythms liberates Daniel from shame and guilt.

Now Daniel can face any day with energy and positive anticipation. He doesn’t have to browbeat himself through his self-critical voice, because it has been quietened. In time, that voice becomes more validating, giving him permission to be himself and approve of it.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Do you numb yourself in order to manage your angry outbursts, only to have them explode later on?

Unresolved anger and stress keeps you depressed longer

Shirked responsibility gets turned into self-hatred and anger – masochistic anger part 4

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Has your loved one told you that they want nothing more to do with you until you learn how to manage your anger?

Are you scared that you will lose your loved one for ever, be alone and miserable for the rest of your life?

Do you wish you could just cut out that angry part of you and then live happily ever after?

Then you must be feeling ashamed and even more angry that you can't get rid of that angry monster inside you. Angry at yourself you punish yourself in a masochistic way.

Watch this video and learn why you are so angry that other people make relationships with you conditional on you taming your anger!

Discover what it is that you want more than anything from your loved one that they aren't giving you – which infuriates you.

Then follow the strategy I give you to fill yourself up with good feelings so tha you can avoid the pain of feeling abandoned and unloved.

Try it before it gets to the stage where you are forced to come to therapy to deal with the anger that is costing you your dreams.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

You might also like:

Depression buries the anger that keeps you from connecing with loved ones

How to get your loved one to prove their love without using anger

Managing anger that comes from feeling unwanted and insecure

Disclaimer: this video is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Reuben's angry that he has to hide his anger

A barrage of customer complaints roused Reuben’s anger. It wasn’t his fault that the city was doing sidewalk repairs and making it difficult for people to enter his cafe for lunch. His anger got worse when his regulars didn’t pay attention to the signs he had put up to warn them of this inconvenience. Each customer had a few minutes of frustration , but he had to suffer entire days of it!

Reuben expresses his anger only in his fantasies

After the cafe closed at night Reuben would go over the complaints he had forced himself to sympathize with earlier. He retaliated in his imagination, telling the complainers that they were selfish, whining individuals who couldn’t tolerate anything out of the ordinary. He yelled at them in his fantasy, threw their meals in their faces, and hiked up their bills in an effort to feel powerful and in control. The fantasy could be called up anytime he needed to feel strong.

What family members did once, Reuben continued indefinitely in his psyche

It was a familiar experience, this rehashing and doing it over in his mind, going all the way back to his early childhood. As a child he would imagine hitting and wounding people who didn’t see his side of things. As an adult he had visions of cutting out his father’s tongue, stuffing his wife’s hurtful words down her throat, and muting his brother by taking out his voice box!

Wounding words from family members would repeat like a tape that looped over and over again, punishing him with their stinging insinuations. Each time the words replayed it was as if he were being wounded afresh. What family members did once, Reuben continued indefinitely in his inner world.

Reuben fears the consequences of his anger and decides to deal with his problem

Reuben’s business became just another place where he had to be prepared to ward off undeserved bullets and poisoned arrows. Fury and resentment prodded Reuben to be short, rude and hostile to staff and customers. When he saw that he hurt people with his angry and impatient demeanor, he became afraid that he would end up alone, hated and penniless. Reuben decided to take notice and he came to psychotherapy. He was about ready to burst anyway and had known for some time that it was becoming impossible to control.

Refocusing the angry lens makes Reuben feel fortunate and grateful

It was hard for Reuben to have a therapeutic comrade with whom he could look at and understand his experiences. He discovered that he expected people to be mean and hurtful and interpreted their communications in line with that view. The breakthrough came one day when he shared his experience of feeling angry and hurt when his father said “ we never see you and your family on Sundays!” What Reuben heard was a criticism and reprimand insinuating that Reuben and his family were not doing their duty and were bad people. In his therapeutic work he was awakened to other interpretations, such as

1.the possibility that his father missed him

2.that his father may be jealous of how self-contained Reuben’s family could be

3.that his father may be giving a compliment about Reuben’s dedication to his café on Sunday’s

4.that his father wanted to have the discipline that Reuben displayed towards work

Reuben uses his new perspective to build good relationships

Reuben found a whole new more comforting and inviting world when he re focused his lens from ‘hurtful’ intent to ‘benign or positive’ intent.

Reuben used his new perspective to advantage with his complaining customers. He put a big sign up in his window acknowledging and sharing in their frustration. Included in that message was an invitation to look at the benefits of the work being done on the sidewalk. The customers would have a beautiful patio dining area with greenery and fountains to enjoy. There would be areas for children and pets, all at no financial cost to the public or to Reuben. He described the benefits as a gift that would last for ever, if everyone could endure a few weeks of frustration and inconvenience.

Using anger positively gains Reuben four long term advantages

By refocusing his lens of anger Reuben:

A.Connected with others who were also angry.

Benefit Reuben made himself an equal rather than a victim.

B.Created a unifying purpose for staff and customers.

Benefit everyone’s anger shifted towards an expectation of a positive goal.

C.Promoted a sense of cohesiveness where everyone could express frustration.

Benefit shared experiences detoxify the anger, promoting safety and security during difficult times.

D.Opened up a pathway for others to see and hear him through a joint experience.

Benefit: negative and self-destructive anger was transformed into positive, liberating and connecting emotions which built strong bonds among all concerned.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shirking duties was guaranteed to get Ezra angry

With a heaving chest and throbbing temples, Ezra clenched his jaws in anger when he found that the vegetables at the restaurant were unprepared. It was bad enough that local farmers had not supplied the eggplant he ordered for his signature dish. To find that Danny, his deputy hadn’t trimmed the artichokes was unbelievable. Anger turned to rage as Ezra started to cut away at the artichokes imagining punishing Danny with each knife stroke.

Danny arrived ten minutes later and was greeted with a scathing attack, questioning his judgment, and his commitment to Ezra’s standards and goals for the restaurant.

 Being left to clear up the mess made Ezra an angry and unforgiving task master

“How could you do this? Don’t you know how important this new menu is? You knew we had to change the dish at the last minute and still you didn’t bother to get things ready! I don’t get how you could be so thoughtless and irresponsible? Not only did I have to think of an alternative, get the artichokes and change the menu, but now I have to do your job as well! Ezra’s face became a ball of fire as anger took over the reins.

Who would be next to be scalded by Ezra's indiscriminate anger?

Flabbergasted at his boss’s angry outburst, Danny shrank back in shock. There was a hush in the kitchen as Ezra’s anger threw accusatory bullets of disapproval at them as his eyes darted from one to the other. Each one began a super fast mental scan to search for things he could find fault with, and be next in line for his wrath. It was becoming a familiar scene – Ezra expecting them to do their jobs as if they were him, and when they didn’t, his anger scalded them as if he’d dropped them in boiling water.

Ezra's anger was born from being dismissed and ignored as a child

Ezra hadn’t always been this way. He had been a quiet and gentle person, never mentioning his disappointments. He had learned early in life that his mother wasn’t going to be around when he got home from school, and that she wasn’t concerned about how he was doing or feeling. A dismissing mother and an invisible father made Ezra feel unfairly orphaned and bitterly angry. The anger was stifled as he became self-sufficient out of necessity, and gave the impression that he needed no one.

Except when it came to work. That’s where Ezra felt safe enough to let out the steaming anger. The sight of those unprepared artichokes turned Danny into his bad parents, and Ezra became the furious punishing child.

Turning the anger on himself protected Ezra's fragile relationships

Self-loathing filled Ezra’s existence for hours after his outbursts. He was embarrassed and ashamed at his loss of control. Not only was Ezra angry at the staff for not doing their jobs according to his expectations, but he got even more angry with himself for showing his anger. Fury and disappointment at the workers got turned into self-flagellation, punishing himself for acting like a child having a tantrum.

Self-inflicted anger poured salt on Ezra's wounds

Ezra’s self-inflicted anger was masochistic, pouring salt on the wound of having his expectations dashed, yet again. Alone and scared Ezra read books and researched the internet for strategies to manage his emotions He got the facts about anger and memorized the most useful tactics that applied to his situations, but when he was faced with someone he relied on not doing their job and dumping it on him, he blew up every time.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Horror, humiliation and hurt led Ezra to a place of healing

This incident with Danny was the most humiliating moment of Ezra’s life. Horror at his angry behavior turned up the volume on his self-disgust and hatred, making him scared to be with people. The pain of not having the parents he was entitled to and the shame of behaving so badly propelled Ezra to psychotherapy. As he overcame his shame and impatience he learned that he had never forgiven his parents for not being there for him. Anyone who didn’t do their job right or made a mistake got a beating meant for his parents. At least he could get an apology from them that would never come from his parents.

As he worked through these pieces of unfinished business that acted as incendiary devices, Ezra learned to tell the difference between parental abrogation of duty and let downs from others. The solid, reliable and consistent therapeutic relationship helped Ezra interact with people as they were, rather than as stand-ins for his unsupportive parents. Ezra is now compassionate with himself and others.

Read more about feeling needy in relationships.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

going round in circles trying to avoid being angry

Byron tried hard to please but his anger got in the way

Byron’s anger terrified him. He did everything he could to avoid feeling it and showing it when it washed over him. He wanted to die of shame every time he saw his girlfriend’s fear and distress. He didn’t intend to hurt or scare her. She was the one good thing in his life and he would do anything to keep her. Byron’s anger was inexplicable to him. He didn’t feel it coming on and by the time it was evident, it was too late. Beverly was already anticipating something awful. Anger turned to shame and self-castigation. Byron flogged himself with unmerciful comments resulting in bleeding sores all over his self-esteem.

He longed to make her smile at him the way she used to when they first got together. Making her happy was the only thing he lived for. To please her meant he was worthy of living, breathing the same air and being loved. The greater the focus on taking care of Beverly, the greater the anger, fear and despair that it wasn’t working perfectly.

Anger about being angry put massive pressure on Byron to be unselfish

Byron was angry with himself for not being able to make Beverly happy all the time. He was angry that he may be responsible for the fate of the relationship. He was angry that he couldn’t shoulder the burden without his own feelings getting in the way. Byron was being squeezed like a concertina. There was pressure on one side to be the ultimate performing act, giving solid entertainment like a movie that could be replayed for the same laughs over and over again. The other source of pressure was to be unselfish, have no needs, and live only on Beverly’s smiles.

The greater the pressure to be nice the more angry Byron got

Imagine Byron’s pressure valve having to be put to these unrealistic tests day in and day out. They literally squeezed the life out of him. His very existence was at stake. When the pressure reached it’s limit, it gave way, and he would feel angry and disappointed in himself. He would try even harder to control it, by denying his feelings and needs. That just made the pressure rise even more quickly with every new cycle of denial and suppression, making his worst fears become imminently predictable events – the dreaded loss of a loved one. No amount of alcohol, music, or slavish work could soothe him or take the pressure off.

Byron's anger was born of past guilt and helplessness to protect loved ones

Byron grew up having lost a great many family members and friends. No one ever spoke about the death of his brother from a random gang shooting. No one supported him or helped him deal with the loss of his best friend from cancer, or his class mate who took an overdose. The passing of grandparents whom he was close to never seemed to be spoken of. An aunt was killed by a hit and run driver, but once again the family just observed the funeral rites and kept silent about their anger and grief. Byron’s sense of helplessness and lack of control got turned into anger. That anger was the driving force behind taking steps to prevent other loved ones dying on him. He decided that he would protect loved ones by becoming their saviors and guardian angels. It would go some way towards alleviating the guilt he felt for not having done the same for those who died.

Failure to save his loved ones made Byron turn the angry gun on himself

When Byron couldn’t be the ideal savior and guardian angel he turned his anger towards himself. Full of self-loathing he tried to focus the anger on himself rather than let it spill out and destroy important relationships. If he could suffer and martyr himself to the cause of making Beverly happy then he may deserve and gain her approval, love and acceptance. If he could absorb all the badness and evil around them, she would be clean, light and happy. Killing off any signs of his needs and desires would make him saintly and worthy. The sacrifice would be worth it.

Anger at himself was Byron's way of trying to do penance

There was one flaw in his plan. Trying to live up to sainthood was impossible. He was a human being with a right to have a life. Ignoring that right made his life force unhappy. That unhappy part of him wasn’t going to just lie there and take it. The life force in Byron protested. The protest came in the form of anger and resentment about the severe nature of his sacrifice. A full scale war broke out between his survival instinct and the saintly path that threatened to destroy his life.

Dealing with his grief helped Byron let go of anger and be a good partner

Byron’s internal war stirred up anger and jeopardized his relationship with Beverly. He was afraid that his careful plan was going to fail despite his best efforts at self-sacrifice. Fear brought Byron into therapy. He worked on all the anger and grief that he had stored up over the years. He let go of the guilt that had driven him to unreasonable sacrifices which didn’t fulfill his hopes. Byron learned to forgive himself for not being a savior. He now had room and permission to see himself for the lovable person he was. The pressure he put on himself was lifted, taking away the cause of his outbursts of anger. Byron and Beverly are well on their way to a comfortable connection that is mutually rewarding.
 

Anger Management tips for satisfying relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Anger and hate consumed Sebastian

Anger that his marriage hadn’t worked out the way he hoped washed over Sebastian from the minute he woke up. He was angry with his selfish wife. He was angry that she didn’t seem to want to help their son with his homework or encourage him in sports. Sebastian was angry that he had to take care of everything at home while Loretta showed little concern for the family.

Anger became stronger when Sebastian compared work to home life

Teaching music to kids at school was his only escape. The lack of joint rhythms in his marriage was countered by the magical blending of sounds the children made into enjoyable harmonies. However, the fact that Sebastian could get the kids to act together for a common goal made him all the more angry that his efforts to do the same with his marriage failed.

Anger at not picking the right wife made Sebastian beat up on himself

Most of all Sebastian was angry with himself for picking Loretta as a wife. He berated himself for being blind to her faults when they were courting. Sebastian felt adored and wanted by Loretta before they married. He imagined she would focus on him and the family they made with an energy that would prove her devotion and his worth. Sebastian saw the chance to have a reliable and sacrificial caring partner who would put family first. What he got shattered his dreams. The birth of their son turned her into a tired, complaining wife who did less and less for the family. Sebastian got more and more irritated, resentful and angry that his burden was increasing while Loretta became more insular.

Anger at being forced into breaking up the family was horrifying

Divorce had crossed his mind several times. Each time Sebastian felt upset and angry with Loretta, his determination to get divorced got stronger. The moment he came to begin the process he would freeze with fear and anxiety. He cycled through this “on and off” conflict millions of times over the last two years. He just couldn’t go through with it. The thought of breaking up his family horrified him. He was angry that he had been put in a position of acting like his father who had left his family.

If only Loretta would leave! It would take the pressure off Sebastian. It would absolve him of being the family murderer. Sebastian’s anger with Loretta’s insensitivity took a toll on his health. He got sciatica and severe headaches which took him out of action. He managed to continue working and got relief and pleasure from that. At home the anger and pain got stronger. He had to stay in bed for long periods, leaving his wife and son to manage by themselves.

Masochistic anger that made Sebastian sick got him out of the trap

Sebastian was caught in an unenviable trap. He wanted out of his marriage but he didn’t want to be the one to break it up. He wanted to undo his bad choice but he didn’t want to feel like a killer. He wanted to find a more satisfying relationship but he didn’t want to live with the guilt of being a home breaker. He just couldn’t find the strength and resolve to cut his losses and improve his life and that of his son. Loretta hadn’t cheated on him or done anything he could use as a legitimate reason for divorce. She just wasn’t the devoted and care taking spouse he desired. She was more like his own mother, depressed and ineffectual. Sebastian’s mother had never got over the desertion of her husband. His mother had become withdrawn and did the minimum to maintain the family system.

Physical pain was easier to bear than feelings of intense anger

Anger helped Sebastian to avoid his fear and guilt. Anger at his father for deserting him, anger at his mother for not moving on, anger at his wife for being like his mother, and now anger at himself for doing the same was too much to bear. The only way he could cope was to turn the anger against himself by making himself sick. It was easier to feel physical pain than the pain of feeling like a beast if went for the divorce and acted like his father. It was more tolerable to suffer with headaches and sciatica than feel the disgust of being weak and giving up on life like his mother.

Perhaps Sebastian's wife would take action if he got sick with anger

Underneath all the physical pain and emotional turmoil Sebastian attempted to solve his difficult dilemma. If he was sick and unable to take care of the family, Loretta would be forced into action. Perhaps she would get upset enough to leave and save Sebastian from having to be a home breaker. Without being conscious of it, Sebastian was setting her up to do what he wished, letting him off the hook. The only way he could do it without feeling the shame, guilt and fear of divorce was to be massively angry and turn it inwards masochistically. He was willing to risk psychological suicide in the desperate hope that Loretta would sever the ties.

Dealing with his conflict helped Sebastian forgive himself and move on

Sebastian’s life was unbearable miserable and affecting his work and his son. He found psychotherapy a safe and neutral place for him to process his years of anger that he had held in. Anger at his parents, his wife and himself. As he felt the sadness and desolation of his childhood he began forgiving himself for wanting to end his marriage. Steps towards understanding and forgiving his imperfect family made him accept his own imperfections and that helped him take steps to make a better life for himself, his son and his wife as they agreed to part.