Anger, Stress and Anxiety Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

A LACK OF SELF-CARE LEAVES YOU DEPLETED WITH NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE AND NO CAPACITY TO RECEIVE

 

Are you exhausted taking care of your partner, your family, your extended family, your colleagues and your living arrangements?

Does it make you feel good that you attended to your partner and children, put them first and played the role of dutiful and loving care giver?

Perhaps you think that by making everything and everyone else your priority that you will be rewarded with appreciation, recognition, and admiration.

But there is probably another part of you that is aching to get off the treadmill and feed your soul. You know you are depleted and often not able to enjoy your relationship as much as you would if you didn't feel burdened with never ending duties and jobs.

You know that most of the day you shut off your feelings and needs because they conflict with your dutiful self. So you kind of 'die' inside, feeling less than human.

When you aren't able to fully enjoy your relationship, you put it in jepoardy. If you can't fully participate emotionally then the threads of connection get lose and threaten the unity between you.

In order to avoid losing your connection, you have to take care of yourself and others. It's not an either or situation, it's a "both" scenario. It doesn't mean leaving them and going on trips or avoiding chores for a day or two, but rather a recognition of your humanity and the important role it plays in maintaining and sustaining your most important relationship.

What is self Care and Why is it So Important In a Long Term Relationship?

Self-care means you tune into your feelings and needs, and take charge of getting them met. Self-care involves putting your contentment and fulfillment in your own hands, being empowered to create and utilize opportunities to have your emotional needs met – for security, stability, achievement, caring and being cared for.

Self-care is about valuing yourself in an authentic manner and taking your emotional and psychological wellbeing seriously. It’s more than just surviving physically so you can get by on autopilot. It’s about functioning as a tuned in, grounded, centered and flexible person, able to go with the flow of emotional upheavals that would otherwise decimate you.

Self-Care is relevant to both men and women struggling to keep their balance in relationships in same sex and heterosexual connections

The evidence for self-care in maintaining good mental, emotional and physical health

Science tells us that self-care is essential for healthy relationships with good boundaries and realistic expectations. Without proper regular and consistent self-care people end up in abusive relationships, co-dependent relationships, use and abuse substances and are prone to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and psychosomatic conditions like chronic pain, gastric and skin problems.

When we neglect self-care we are depersonalizing ourselves and giving the power and authority to others to value us enough to take care of us.

For example many of my clients will go on till they drop to show their commitment and martyrdom to their loved ones. They do this hoping to get permission to slow down and take care of their need for down time, alone time, play time and soul replenishing time. Then they get angry when those same loved ones respond by saying, " I never asked you to do this!" Resentment festers on both sides, and distance grows as each party tries to navigate the trecherous waters of isolation versus relying on one another in a healthy way.

Taking Care of You Own Emotions and Needs Makes Less Demands on the Relationship, Making More Time for Enjoying Each Other

 

How did you get to be this way? How have you become a master at taking care of everyone else and a loser when it comes to taking care of yourself?

Growing up in an atomosphere where your parents needs competed and conflicted with your own sowed the seeds for neglecting yourself. You were probably focused on making sure your parents were okay and were rewarded for it by getting some attention or treat. On the other hand, if you cried out for what you needed or showed displeasure when you didn't get it, you were most likely berated and or punished. So your needs became dangerous and ugly. You survived by putting all your energies into taking care of those around you, waiting for the praise and recognition, that you were important and deserved care too.

Real life examples of clients who struggle with self-care

A. Joanne, a 37 year old carer in a residential home for the elderly, cannot stop working and has projects lined up so that when one finishes she has another. She gets anxious when she has ‘space’ for herself because it echoes her childhood desperate need to “work” to please and get attention from her mother who was a work- a- holic! Now as an adult she is not able to be emotionally present for her husband, She is drowning in guilt She has to break a toe, forcing her to stop her frantic work/exercise routine and take time for some personal space. As her therapy progresses she is beginning to notice that she gets care from me just for being herself and that she doesn't need to please me in order to get it. This is the beginning of her entertaining the idea that she is worthy, and deserves to care for herself.

B. Brody a 39- year- old banker is permanently stressed out. He travels for work, has a large team to manage, and feels overwhelmed when he is at home and the demands of a wife and young children get to him. He feels guilty if he spends time with friends, sleeps too long or responds to work calls when he is home. He tries to organize activities and do practical household repairs and such to take care of his family, but never feels that he earns some "me time." He keeps waiting and hoping that his wife will see the pressure he is under and take him off the hook. But she doesn't, making him feel inadequate. Instead of taking care of his emotional needs he doubles down on doing things in the home, and then in the guise of 'fitness', goes for bike rides, in an effort to free himself of the vicious cycle.

C.Helen a 45- year- old personal assistant and single parent of a teenage boy has a hard time with self-care. Keeping house and home for her son, earning her way in life and managing co-parenting with a difficult divorcee she is easily overwhelmed. She gets exhausted, depressed, angry, protests and then drops off the world into a bubble and does nothing – giving herself back to herself in a way. She also develops pains and ‘fainting’ that make her stop being a robot and take care of herself. Otherwise she numbs herself with food.After a period of therapy when she has allowed me to nurture her, she then takes care of herself by joining dance, photography, and other creative arts classes, as well as being with friends. 

D. Tyrone a 32-year-old self made business man worried about his three young children all the time. He didn't trust his wife to treat them with care and kindness becasue of her harsh personality. He put all his efforts into ensuring that his kids had good nannies, extra-curricular activities to which he accompanied them, and most of all he made himself available to adddress their emotional hurt, anger, frustration, desires and fears. He went overboard on the latter because he didn't have those important things when he was young. He knew the toll it took on him and went all out to make sure his children didn't suffer in the same way. But while doing this, he completely ignored himself. He was tired all the time, pushed himself when he was exhausted and irritable, He hoped that his wife would notice, and learn from him so he could let go a little. But that was a pipe dream. He was always at hand to help his mother and siblings when they needed something, and they never hesitated to ask because he was so willing . Similarly with cousins and other extended family figures He was known for his unselfish devotion to duty, except that it was killing him. He didn't have any sense of self-care until his health started to deteriorate. His blood pressure rose with his weight, he started drinking and suffered insomnia. Finally well into his therapy he began to see the value of self-care. He was feeling empty and cut off from his loved ones. He gave of himself, but got nothing in return and was angry and bitter. We worked on him saying 'no' when he didn't want to do things. At the same time, we worked on his guilt about it, and his fear that he would be alone and shunned if he didn't take care of everyone the way he had been doing.

 

 

 

 

 

Beginning The Act of Self-Care: Setting up strategies

One of the most important aspects of self-care is to realize when you need to depend on someone for something. Self-care involves knowing and allowing yourself to ask for help and support for as long as you need it while you are dealing with difficult issues.Recognizing your energy limitations, stress overload, need for sleep or solace is a vital component to self care. Waiting till you get ill and incapacitated or someone rescues you to ease your guilt and suffering is the opposite of self-care.

1. Develop a hobby and or interest outside the family and make it part of your life, not just fit it in if you suddenly have a few free minutes.

2. Work on being aware of and in tune with your body without trying to push yourself into exhaustion just to feel the 'burn!'

Yoga, running, hiking, biking, swiming, dancing, tai chi, etc. 

3. Make sure you have healthy boundaries with family and friends. That means not getting sucked into other peoples needs and treating them as kids, while being encouraging when they begin to take care of themselves. Healthy boundaries includes developing a skin that takes care of what you are experiencing in ways that honor yourself, without panicking or leaking out for others to mop up.

4. Make time for personal 'check-ins' to discover what's going on inside you so that you plan for and take care of your needs before they reach a crtical point. A 30 second check in several times a day works and when it becomes automatic, your awareness will ensure effortless maintaining of boundaries and satisfaction of need. That means you won't be over dependent or have others be overly dependent on you.

5. Express your feelings when they come up in the moment. That ensures that you don't stuff them, become stressed, ill and angry. Expressing your feelings in the moment educates others and maintains authenticity on both sides. Being true to yourself means you take responsibility for yourself, another term for self-care.

 

How do I as a therapist help clients engage in Self-Care?

In addition to helping my clients understand their mind-body connection, I help them view the repeated patterns of relationship interaction that create co-dependency rather than mutual inter-depenency. 

I have used art therapy – specifically collage to give them a chance to get in touch with and talk about their feelings, processing their experiences rather than just going at it. In addition I have found giving clients permission to step out of their routine and go to a museum, hike, spa, tea shop, farmers market etc. has been enormously powerful in developing habits of self-care.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2016

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Anger, Stress and Anxiety Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Write out your turbulent emotions and get smell the freshness!

Have you ever been told to keep a journal and felt your heart sink to your boots?

Is the idea of journaling stressful in itself?

Perhaps you don't want to dwell on what's going on inside you because its messy.

Maybe you want to feel strong and the best way of doing it is to ignore bad feelings and hope they will just go away.

You may be very good at keeping your anger, stress, resentment, revengeful thoughts and feelings under cover, but they have a way of coming out in full force when you are least expecting it. Out of the blue a small irritation turns into a melt down and you don't understand how this could have happened. Your store of anger and stressful experiences found a tiny window when you got irritated and used that moment to escape, embarrasing you in the process.

Many of my clients are masters at covering up, ignoring and dismissing their unhappiness. They disown their fear of being abandoned, as well as losses past and present as if they have zero impact. They are so tightly wound that they walk around like knots, unable to open and connect with anyone or anything. Eventually the knot frays and they come unglued. Journaling is a very powerful and useful vehicle that puts words to long held feelings of being badly treated and uncared for.

Journaling to manage stress and anger can help you

1. Begins the process of owning your feelings, validatng them, making them feel less messy and unattractive
2. Helps you tolerate your most painful and uncomfortable feelings
3. Spurs you to find words to explain and express painful feelings in a coherent way
4. Writing the words that you are putting into a meaningful narrative helps you understand the source of your distress
5. Allows you to think about your need to be in control and how that impacts your way of handling your interactions
6. Evokes curiosity about why you coped by being silent – assessing pros and cons about whether you did the best for yourself
7. Enables you to see, feel and understand the enormity of your emotional burden so that you can begin to develop self compassion

Three People Who Benefitted from Journaling to Mangage Stress and Anger

1. One of my clients was unable to talk to her mother because she was terrified of being dismissed or ridiculed.  "Writing' to her mother in a journal provided safety and free expression. She didn't have to censor herself, tread on eggshells, nor try to please her mother by negating herself. What she noticed in this exercise was how angry she was and how irrelevant she felt she was in her mother's eyes. She got in touch with her own need to be a player, to exist in her own right and accept that her feelings mattered.

BENEFITS –

• RELEASE OF ANGER THAT HAD CONTRIBUTED TO EARLY CHILDHOOD RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS
• MAKING CHOICES INDEPENDENT OF HER PARENTS NEEDS AND FEELINGS
• HEALTHY SEPARATION FROM PARENTS, OWNING HERSELF RATHER THAN BEING DEPENDENT.

 

• Holding in rage, resentment and stress at not having a caring parent

2. Another client used journaling to talk to her estranged mother, putting into words the deep hurt she had carried all her life, feeling invisible to her parent. It was a long rehearsal that years later gave her the impetus to actually make contact, and experience her mother differently. She found that her mother was nothing like the one that her little child self had experienced. Her current day mother was willing to listen, and show care. That was a huge healing moment that continued over time, releasing her from the grip of playing the victim in her life, hoping to be rescued by a parental figure.

BENEFITS–

• REFRESH IMAGE OF SO CALLED BRUTAL PARENT
• VALUE ONESELF
• FEEL THE POWER OF BEING HEARD AND FELT
• RECALIBRATE OLD TRAUMA INTO NEW HEALTHIER CONNECTION
• EMOTIONAL GROWTH

 

    Release from the hold of stress and anger, a new life emerges

3. A third client used journaling to speak to her father whom she felt had taken her entitlements as a daughter and given it to other women in his life – his time, his energy, his love, and his money. She was mortified by the idea of telling him directly and lived in a 'holding pattern' of not working and not making committed relationships – imagining that her father would some day feel guilty seeing her so down and out – and take care of her as his number one priority. As she journaled and processed the outcome in therapy with me, she finally told her father what she wanted, and when he refused to take care of her financially, she was released from her fantasy and began to take charge of her life.

BENEFITS

• SPEAK THE HURT OF BEING SIDELINED
• GET A REALITY CHECK
• GET UNBLOCKED
• SELF-EMPOWERMENT
• NOT WISHING EVERY MAN SHE WAS ATTRACTED TO WOULD REPLACE HER THE FATHER SHE LONGED FOR.

Getting Aquainted With Oneself Gets Opens Up Channels of Communication

 

Journaling as a way of getting to know yourself, directing goals and making sound decisions

 For many other clients I recommend writing about their day to day emotional experiences as they feel them. They benefit from becoming aware of their emotional experiences rather than burying them ( which lead to anxiety, OCD, depression, panic attacks, phobias and psychosomatic complaints.) They are amazed when they do so on a regular basis and use it to direct their goals, interactions and decision making.

Unresolved grief can put a strain on relationships

 

 

Journaling as a way of expressing unresolved grief

 For one group of clients who are in complex and unresolved grief at the death of a loved one – journaling is very useful. It is private and intimate, yet allows the bereaved to connect with the source of their loss – especially for older children who lost someone early in life. They can ask questions and create answers – begin a dialogue that eventually with therapy, release them from their unresolved grief and let them get on with their own lives.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you a man who is an obedient, loyal, dependable guy with your female partner?

Do you give her the authority to make decisions, take the lead and initiative on parenting, spending money and organizing your social life?

Then you may be very conflicted about having no power yourself just so you can ensure that you are loved and cared for.

Maybe you just don't know which part of you to go with?

What will the consequences be if you take on a more authoritative role?

How will it be if you continue to avoid asserting yourself?

You know that inside you there is a raging bull ready to smash everything that smacks of needing to depend on your female partner for care.

And it comes out when you can't take being the obedient little 'good boy' any longer.

If this your only exit strategy and does it actually work?

This video gives you a deeper look at the two waring sides of yourself you carry as a heavy load.

You will also get a wonderful tip on how to quell the war inside you, and peacefully co-exist with both sides in balance.

 

 

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Do you feel frustrated and angry when other people like you, and see your worth, BUT your partner thinks you are a waste of space and is always complaining about you?

Why be pushed and pulled, when you know who you really are and like it?

All you get is insomnia, anxiety, pain and suffering.

Maybe you have a wish that one day your partner will stop being blind and see what a treasure you are, and be eternally grateful!

You know that it is unlikely.  You can hope and wait for ever, OR you can take steps to fulfill that wish yourself.

Being assertive makes you self-empowered, which in turn grounds and centers your sense of self. You don't rely on your partner or others defining you.

This video tells you how to do that by following 2 steps, on a consistent basis. Do it for yourself or work with me individually so that you can end your suffering.

 

 

 

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Are you envious of other peoples relationships?

Are you consumed with frustration that other people seem to get what they want and have the 'perfect' relationship while you are struggling to get off the ground?

When you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your own relationship, other couples are viewed in idealistic terms. You imagine that just because they are out together or buying groceries together that their relationship must be warm and stress free.

You wan the same thing! You don't know why you can't have it, and you feel life is treating you unfairly, despite you being a 'good' person.

Thats what happened to thirty-seven year old Jocelyn after her marriage ended in divorce.

She was filled with rage that she had given her all in the marriage and yet it hadn't been enough to make it work.

Enraged by her husband being away a lot and shirking his responsibilities, she filled herself up with hate for him for making her end up alone with two children.

She kept the anger and hate inside, pretending that she was doing okay. But she also looked for any excuse to tear a strip off her husband when he wasn't paying what she felt she needed to maintain her household with the children. She wanted that money, and atonement money – she wanted him to bleed.

She tried to act like a single person and go out with friends but she felt even more angry that she had to start going out and date again!

Jocelyn found a million reasons why she would never find a partner again. So everytime a possiblity arose she stamped on it by saying, " I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm not funny and I'm not sexy!"

It worked. She made sure she never got a date – it was a great way to hang onto the anger and hatred.

Yet the anger and hate never went away. In fact it got a lot worse. Jocelyn couldn't stand the fact that he was enjoying his life while her life was going down the drain.

What are Jocelyn's options for dealing with the anger and hate?

She can sit back and complain about her misfortune, treating herself as a helpless victim on the one hand, and as a merciless avenger on the other hand when she gets mad at her ex-husband.

She can fill herself up with anger about life being unfair and leave no room to take in care and find a good connection.

She can blind herself to the love that is available because it doesn't match her wish to turn back the clock and force the marriage to work.

She can seethe with frustration, release stress hormones into her body and get sick.

She can have a fit about the fact that her efforts aren't being rewarded immediately or consistently,.

 OR

She can use that  frustration and the excess adrenaline that it produces to make it happen for her.

 

Three ways Jocelyn can use her frustration, anger and hate to get her share of the good things in life

1. Tune into the discomfort in her body whenever she is frustrated, revengeful and angry. Notice the enormous energy that could overwhelms her, but is at her disposal to channel –

2. Imagine the choice she has –

• use the anger, hate and frustration for destructive purposes – throwing a tantrum because she isn't given what she want.
• use the energy to get in touch with DESIRE.and use that force to open up a space inside where she can allow others to touch her, make her laugh, care for her and make her feel wanted.

3. Frustration is the mother of desire

Choose the second more hopeful option and put herself out there as the valuable person she is. Emotional energy can be used to wake up DESIRE for life and all that it offers. Without desire there is only destructive tendencies because no one took care of you the way you wanted. Fierce desire makes you walk through fire and wade through snake filled swamps.

When Jocelyn wants her life to be happy with a new boyfriend more than she wants to feel the power of anger, then she uses frustration transformed into desire to get her wish.

She needs to look for and take what she wants, not wait for someone to rescue her. That's where the frustration comes in handy. It catapults Jocelyn into a 'must have' place rather than a ' have to wait and see' place or a passive aggressive place just to get even. Taking revenge and punishing will only keep Jocelyn in a strait jacket of rage hoping it will burn the reality of the broken marriage into it's original attractive experience. Desire on the other hand is self-empowrering because it comes from the frustration of not being gratified by the person you depend on to care for you.

 

As the famous British Psychologist and Pediatrician Donald Winnicott said – a mother has to refrain from indulging a child all the time or anticipating every need. Without the feeling of frustration the child will never want to do something badly enough to grow and develop the skills and the pride of self-care.          

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Arguing with your Spouse About Mother-in-law Problems Makes you Angry and Stressed

 

The power of a mother-in-law to interfere in a marriage causes intense negative feelings that can destroy the spousal bounds

Angela and Josh a newly married couple were at logger heads about Angela's mother telling him how to treat and take care of her daughter.  She kept calling and texting him about Angela's food needs, her anxieties, her need to get pregnant and the need for child to be a son.  Josh tried to talk to Angela about his distaste for being told how to be a good husband by his mother-in-law, but Angela secretly smiled. She was thrilled that her mother was on Josh's back to do the 'right thing' by her, because she was too scared to do it herself. She loved that her mother was her champion, and whipping up her husband to do the same.

What Angela didn't appreciate was that Josh was feeling emasculated and furious. He was angry about the temerity of his mother-in-law to tell him what to do, as if he knew nothing of his wife's needs. He was fuming that he wasn't given a chance to find his feet in his new role as a husband., But most of all he was livid that his wife enjoyed seening him as a puppet controlled by her mother. Lurking underneath all that rage was shame – making him feel small, powerless and inadequate.

 

Caught Between His Bossy Mother-in-law and His Uncaring Wife, Josh Buckled Under the Stress

Josh's anger made him want to punish Angela. He wanted her to feel the threat of losing him, and he withdrew. He couldn't take the feeling of being helpless to manage his mother-in-law without upsetting his wife and feeling like he was to blame for causing friction in his new marriage.

Feeling Trapped Between a Rock and a Hard Place Creates More Stress Because Josh Keeps His Anger Hidden

Telling his mother-in-law nicely to back off didn't work. She was too strong a personality and insisted that she needed to help him be a good husband – and that without her he would fail – just like her husband failed her – and she wasn't going to let that happen to her precious daughter.

Getting his wife to speak up on his behalf didn't work either. She didn't see why it was such a problem, and told him that he should be grateful to her mother for giving him such good advice!

What are Josh's Options?

1. He can continue keeping silent and seethe inside as he allows himself to be disempowered.

Risk – he might cheat or take a mistress who allows him full control. He may conquer his shame by feeling his power in another relationship.

Benefit – he doesn't upset the applecart of mother-daughter alliance against his entitlement to be a full partner in the marriage, excluding the third party of his mother-in-law.

 

2. He can let the stress get to him by getting sick – then his wife might refocus her lens on him and their marriage.

Risk – the shift in focus will probably be short lived. His wife and mother-in-law may join forces and continue their close relationship, leaving him on the sidelines.

Benefit – he doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, and still hopes that Angela would choose him over her mother.

 

3. He can decide that he isn't going to be ousted from his rightful place in the marriage, and reclaim his position and power by telling his wife what he wants

Risk – his wife may have a small tantrum, and his mother-in-law may have a huge tantrum. He might feel guilty and scared that he won't be able to pull it off.

Benefit – he gets his wife to redraw the boundaries between her mother and herself, committing to Josh and their marriage.

 

WHICH SOLUTION DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WORK BEST?

Yes, you are right, the one where Josh reclaims his wife and makes the marriage a priority.

What shoud have happened before the marriage?

Mothers-in-laws can't intefere in a marriage unless there is a huge hole through which she can enter and divide a a couple that wern't really a strong and united coulple in the first place. Ideally the couple should have formed a bond that made their union solid and made it known to all other family members that no one could come in and operate with either of them in ways that they had done before. Josh and Angela had not shifted their allegience from family to each other fully enough, so Angela's mother had a wide berth.

HOW DOES IT WORK OUT?

1. Once Josh takes ownership of his role in taking care of Angela, his demeanor and attitude will give off the message that his mother-in-law is no longer the boss.

2. Then Angela receives the same message and invests in her husband as a good partner and care taker. She relinquishes her primary tie with her mother and makes it with Josh.

3. Next Josh and Angela work on making their union water tight. They agree to express their needs, fears, wishes and disappointments directly to one another, so they can fine tune their relationship while it is still new and maleable. They get to avoid resentment and hate building up and making them sick or tearing the marriage into a battle zone.

4. Josh and Angela give each other the chance to repair hurts, understand and empathize with each other's unfulfilled needs and frustrations, while navigating their way towards a more wholesome connection. That enables them to grieve their losses and move on.

5. The couple learn to read each other's body language and signals for care and become the go to people for one another. They learn from their mistakes rather than bury them.

6. Both Angela and Josh make a pact to tell each other what they feel, need, want and expect at the time that they are aware of it. That's how they avoid building up anxiety and stress related insomnia.

7. Finally, Josh and Angela make sure that any holes that might appear in their relationship are noticed and promptly sewn up by attending to the issues – underlying negative emotional experiences that are bubbling beneath the surface. Taking preventive action rather than waiting for a crisis is a fool-proof method of never having to deal with the anger and stress of an interfering mother-in-law.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

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Category: Parenting

 

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ALLPARENTING.COM – America Desensitized: the new normal

 

Mainstreet.com Why parents need to know what Heather Mack is teaching about teen money

 

 

Category: Anger management

Thezebra.com:  How to Deal with Road Rage (Whether it’s You or the Other Driver Who’s Fuming)

 

 

Category: Psychology of Emotions and Managing Finances

Thestreet.com   Why Americans Need Therapy To Improve Finances: Money Psychology

 

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Category: Relationships: Book, Now You Want Me, Now You Dont! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

 

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Lastfirstdate  show with Sandy Weiner

 

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQKPQcOcV_E

 

 

 

 

Spanish language articles

ar.mujer.yahoo.com  Los beneficios de ser introvertido      (the benefits of being introverted)

 

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

When you are overwhelmed and feel like you are sinking in quicksand, your body wants to flee from the threat. But your life style and schedule keep you trapped in a very a very stressful situation.

You feel out of control

You feel helpless

You feel angry and resentful

You are terrified of failing or having a breakdown

You put even more effort into trying to be perfect and get everything done the way it should be so you can meet your own high standards and expectations

You imagine others complimenting you and envying you

BUT THE STRESS GETS TO YOU AND ALL YOU WANT IS FOOD. YOU WANT THE COMFORT AND THE NUMBNESS THAT EATING CAN BRING.

YOU WANT THE CALMNESS OF AND PEACE THAT CHEWING AND TASTING AND STUFFING YOURSELF BRINGS

YOU WANT TO FILL THAT HOLE CREATED BY ALL THE ENERGY YOU LOST STRESSING OUT OVER YOUR SCHEDULE

SO YOU GO TO THE FRIDGE, YOU ORDER IN, YOU GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ALL THE JUNK FOOD YOU NEVER USUALLY ALLOW YOURSELF

YOU DESERVE IT FOR ALL THE HARD WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

EXCEPT ——————————- YOU KNOW YOU WILL REGRET IT. Why self-sabotage?

 

Here are a few ways to control emotional/stress eating:

 

1. Research, prepare and cook something good for yourself. You take care of yourself in several ways that reduce stress –

• taking time out from your routine gives your body a chance to build up reserves and recharge your battery.

• focusing on your personal needs for a while balances your psyche so that your judgement remains sharp and unimpaired.

• you give your creative processes a chance to get juiced up when you switch to thinking about choosing, buying ingredients and preparing a special meal for yourself.

• the sequence of actions that you engage in to make your meal steadies your emotional rudder, since you bring order and timing into the equation.

PLUS 1:    Being aligned with food gives the brain the message that it is being de-stressed.

PLUS 2:   You don't get more stressed by depriving yourself of the comfort of food – you just give it to yourself in a more controlled way.

The perfect balance

2. Since stress floods the bloodstream with adrenalin it's good to use it on getting all those odd jobs done that have been on your mind 

• Use up the adrenalin so that you don't feel the negative effects of stress – only to crave food in ever increasing amounts.

• You will feel accomplished and  in control – the most effective antidotes to stress.

• Your food cravings will have be satiated with the rewards of taking care of yourself and getting your house and environment in order. The neurotransmitter – dopamine – that triggers the reward centers of the brain to make you feel good, will give you lots of 'pings' for completing all those unfinished jobs, as it would if you ate food. So do the jobs, feel rewarded, and you won't want to stuff yourself with food.

 

Leave your imprint on the paper and turn the darkness into a more tolerable shade of grey

 

3. Write letters to the people who are causing relationship stress. It's a proven fact that putting things into words, calms the brain and reduces stress – without the calories!

• Composing a letter to someone who has just stood you up or has hurt you yet again, makes you aware of the pain that you need to feel in order to process it and make room for more soothing experieces. Food would just bury the pain in the short term, keeping the feelings in tact for the next time you get burned and have to experience it as a double whammy.

• So be good to yourself, and feel the pain as it comes – so that you can externalize it in words towards the person who hurt you. Putting your experience into a story that explains your side of things gives you a boost. You are no longer invisible, helpless or a martyr. You are taking care of yourself by speaking up.

• The act of writing to the one who hurt you gets your psyche to feel assertive and worthy. You aren't just swallowing the pain, which is what you would be doing if you ate to numb yourself- literally and figurutively.

• Writing to the ones who caused you pain also organizes your past hurtful experiences. You get to see a pattern. The pattern gives you valuable information of what to look for next time before it's too late.

• Putting pen to paper or typing on a keyboard also enables you to appreciate that you are actually coping with the bad feelings. You have survived and can write about it. You dont need all that junk food to pacify you. Knowing you are still alive and haven't crumbled is an enormous boost to your sense of competency and sense of self-empowerment.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

 

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Anger makes you fat and keeps you fat!

How your dreams can help you lose weight when nothing else will

 

 Mainstreet.com on  emotions and money psychology

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Returning from a trip abroad, thirty-seven-year-old Natalie was full of enthusiasm and energy to kick start her career in the creative arts. She had jotted down a ton of ideas including doing a workshop online about writing comedy scripts; doing improvisation, teaching acting at night school and finishing a script that she started 2 years ago. But within four days she wanted to do anything but tackle her list. She wanted to talk to friends, go to a spa, do yoga and cook, but not move forward with her career steps.

Tired of this up and down pattern of excitement followed by a crash, Natalie was acutely aware of her shame and disappointment, despite working on herself for some years. No matter what steps she took and how determined she was, she went from feeling full of desire and motivation to feeling listless when it came to her scripts, workshops, etc.

It all felt too much to manage.

Then a dream came along that helped her understand what was holding her back.

She dreamt that she got a job in a hair salon. She was new and had little experience. A member of the band ‘Kiss’ came into the salon. He had long black wavy hair and wanted it straightened. He was in a hurry and Natalie wasn’t sure she could get it done in time. She used a flat iron that she knew wasn’t the most appropriate for this job but persisted anyway. As her client got impatient and was about to leave the manager of the salon came over and told her to get on with the job and she then complained about not having the right tool. The manager got angry with her and told her that she could have asked for it, before directing her to the front desk where the correct flat iron was located.

Natalie explored her dream with me and noticed that she was feeling as if she were new at the game of working for money, just like she had been in the dream. She also felt as if she was starting from scratch, lost and unable to do what she needed to execute her goals, just as her dream portrayed.

But Natalie learned something important about herself from her dream.

She discovered that she ‘knew’ what the right tool was but refused to ask for it or get it without someone else pushing her.  As we talked further it became apparent that Natalie discarded the parts of her that ‘knew’ what to do and how to do it in real life, so that each time she started a fresh it felt as if she was at square one, without a road map or hiking gear. Feeling overwhelmed and scared she would just give up and her career aspirations would die off.

I helped Natalie appreciate that she had a great many resources including knowledge and skill that she hid from herself because it involved her using her energy and motivation to activate them to serve her purpose. It wasn’t that she was lazy, it was that she just didn’t want to do the work for herself. She wanted someone else to step in and do it so she felt cared for and not alone in taking care of herself.

 

The images in the dream proved really central in helping Natalie gain insight into those parts of her that sabotaged her success.

We discussed the image of the flat iron, and found a rich seam of material that Natalie used to help paint a more in depth picture of why she kept getting stuck in the same place.

First we played with the word ‘flat.’ We talked about ‘flat as in a linear line,’ ‘flat-lining’ as on a medical monitor, and a tire having a flat! All these ways of new images of ‘flat’ gave Natalie a sense of how she wanted a lifeless learning experience, with no bumps or grooves along the way. I also noted that she wanted to drive herself forward with no air in her tires, despite having a great body and engine in terms of her intelligence and talents. Natalie recalled how things had come so easily to her in school that she never had to put any work into it, and wanted that same experience in her adult life. She didn’t want to use her resources in the fullest way possible, and so her tires would deflate, stopping her from progressing.

Then we moved on to the word ‘iron.’ Natalie associated it with a steel grip, a rigid determination to do something irrespective of its effects or repercussions. She mentioned how fearful she was of doing things that would be outside her chosen field, making her rigidly stick to a narrow path, excluding experiences that could enhance and enrich her career in the creative arts.

I added that a lack of iron was a sign of anemia, a cause of weakness and lethargy. Without the right kind of iron (like the right tool in the dream) she would be lifeless and unable to manage her jobs. That she couldn’t actually ‘grip’ the parts of her that could coalesce and make her goals a reality.

 

We shifted to talking about ‘ironing’ and the first thin that Natalie thought of was that of ‘ironing out wrinkles.’

She immediately connected to the part of her that had to iron out wrinkles that sabotaged her career success. She had to iron out the problems that stood in her way, that of disavowing her talents, skills and knowledge when her motivation was present, AND losing touch with her motivation when she owned her talents.

The dream continued to give us food for Natalie to chew on in her therapy. She began to see how she separated her motivation from her talents and scuppered her chances of a good future. She is now in the process of integrating those two parts of her and take real steps towards earning a living at what she was good at.

You might also like:

Your dreams can show you how you censor yourself and spoil your happiness

How to use dreams to benefit your waking life

How your dreams can help you overcome bad memories that keep you stuck

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you wanting comfort and security with your loved ones but not able to get it by being good, quiet, patient and hopeful?

Do you get mad and envious when you see other fully grown adults get pampered and taken care of when they whine and complain?

Do you wish you could get away with that?

Perhaps you have been harboring a secret wish that your loved ones would just do their job and love you the way they should, so that you didn't have to work so hard at getting them to even notice you.

When being good doesn't work, and you can't bring yourself to whine and complain because you are disgusted with those who do it, you are left with a gnawing fear that you will always be on the sidelines, lost and alone.

That fear grows into a powerful force eating you alive.

You have to get connected and loved so you can feel secure and get on with life.

Anger becomes your whip. If you can make your loved ones respond to the wrath of your anger they can get a taste of the fear you have when you feel like you are out in the wilderness.

So you so your anger to whip them into shape – to frighten them into loving you – it's great for that moment, but do you want to be doing that for ever?

Do you want to sabotage yourself and never get the love you deserve?

Watch this video and learn

• WHY you envy the whiners and complainers
• How to get past the envy and shame
• How to translate the anger into inviting, loving communications that get you loved back.
  

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Copyright © Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

You might also like:

Dealing with the hidden motives that sabotage your success

Two ways to tell if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy

How to stop anger from ruining the good times

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Needing Approval

Preparing for her younger sister's visit put some pep into Shelly's steps. She recalled Natalie's last visit when they had fun at the beach, going to movies and eating out. The thought of having those precious moments again made Shelly feel warm inside. She wanted to show Natalie the home she and Devon had made together. She wanted her sister to recognize her determination to make something of herself as she made her way through Acupuncture school. She wanted her sister's approval. Shelly wanted to play the generous host. She also expected something in return.

Her buttons were pushed, but she never said a word.

Natalie left her dirty dishes on the table, threw her clothes on the floor, and went out without inviting her hosts. She never offered to take them out or pay for anything during family outings. Natalie treated Shelly''s place as a free hotel, with a maid thrown in!

Natalie took the hospitality for granted, and Shelly saw red. How could Natalie be so blind, insensitive and callous? Couldn't she tell how much she was hurting Shelly? Didn't Natalie know how much Shelly had put her life on hold to organize the visit? Wasn't it obvious how much money she had to borrow from Devon, and all the activities with friends and colleagues she had turned down? Shelly couldn't get over the fact that her well heeled sister would be so selfish, thoughtless and ungrateful. Her buttons were pushed a million times a day during that long weekend. But she never said a word.

Anger Explodes on the Wrong Person

After Natalie left, Shelly sniped at Devon just for breathing! All the things she had wanted to tell Natalie, she said to Devon. " Wash the dishes before bed!" she commanded. "You can do your own laundry, I'm busy," she pronounced as he got undressed for bed. " I paid for the groceries this weekend, so you better pay for the rest of the week," she vented at him. Her sister had abused her, so now she was going to abuse Devon.

 

Four steps to managing Shelly's anger

1. Self-honesty

Shelly needs to be honest and clear with herself about what she expects for her troubles. A conscious awareness of what her hidden agenda is, means that she communicate her needs clearly, avoiding future hurt and anger when she isn't recognized.

This preventive first step reduces the triggers for anger,by putting Shelly more in control.

2. Communicate her Expectations

Once Shelly knows what you expect in return for her generosity, she should  spell it out to the those who receive her largesse.

Putting it out there means there are no misunderstandings. That is preventive step number two. Shelly are reducing the risk of being disappointed, used and abused.

3. Don't expect grown up behavior from someone Shelly treats like a child

Allowing someone to get away with insensitive and abusive behavior means Shelly gives out a huge message that they are too infantile to be expected to be equal players in the game. Shelly is giving them permission to act in a totally selfish way. To avoid getting angry when they do so means taking preventive step number three – speak up when they violate your personal boundaries, rules and space.

Shelly shouldn't be a doormat! Waiting for someone to see and treat her like an equal human being, means she has to have feet firmly planted on the ground, that can take her where she needs to go and help her be a player rather than a place for others to wipe their feet.

4. Express her feelings as they come up

As soon as she feels that gut wrenching anger rise,  she should get in touch with it and use it as a sign that she needs to stick up for herself and be an equal.

Shelly should speak her feelings as clearly as she can. It helps the other person know what she is feeling and why, so they can adapt right away.

Shelly should avoid stuffing her anger because she thinks it will cause bad feeling. Wouldn't she rather know how to please someone and do it right, rather than have long term resentment and explosive anger that ruins relationships for ever?