Anger, Stress and Anxiety Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Damien's Dreams Prevent Him From Ruining His LIfe – part 4

Settling into married life felt good. Damien was content and very relieved that he had got that part of his life sorted out. But now he was having problems at work. He was making errors on tasks that he routinely did with no difficulty. His confidence cracked and his stress levels went through the roof. His rhythm became disturbed and he couldn’t get back on track to do things on time, and that jarred even more on his perfectionistic attitude. Irritable when he got home, he found it hard to tell his wife about his ‘failures’ and deprived himself of comfort and understanding.

Fearful for his reputation and job, Damien had a series of scary dreams about being tested for exams, just like he felt tested in his life at the time. These dreams were instrumental in getting his confidence back and performing adequately.

The first dream shows how he is on the brink of an emotional crisis

The pendulum swings from over confidence to an expectation of failure

“I was studying for my final biology exam. I was in lab tech school. It was just before 8 and I thought I had time to visit my spiritual guide. So I walked to his house to say hi. Then I saw my mother and brother come in but I didn’t stay to talk. I knew I had to go to school to do my test on time. I thought I had time to walk, but as I walked and walked I saw that it was 8:10. I wondered if I should go back to the spiritual guide’s house and get my car. But I decided to keep walking. Then it was 8:30 and I thought I should get an Uber. Everyone could see how upset I was, and how I failed.  I was trying to download the app and was getting very frustrated and anxious. My whole life was about to be ruined. Then I woke up. “

Damien was shaken by the stark precipice of success versus failure he encountered in his dream – dependent on his ability to use judgement and make the right choices, which he isn’t sure he can do. Discussing the dream in therapy, Damien was able to see how scared he was in his real life that he may not succeed. The dream shows him that when he becomes over confident, he loses his balanced center. He over estimates what is possible and doesn’t check into his inner core to make sure he is adequately prepared psychologically.

We analyzed the dream together by talking about the symbols that came up

He knows he needs to check in with his spiritual guide (a symbol of his inner wisdom) but doesn’t quite do so. Then he ignores both his family members both of whom symbolize his broken link with his core self, putting his whole future on the line. He shuns the female part of him (his mother, the grounding and nurturing part of his soul); and he doesn’t greet the male part of him (his brother) the strong rational dependent part of his core self. The act of dismissing these two balanced parts of him put him in jeopardy. He becomes frustrated, looking for something outside himself to rescue him (the Uber application). But it doesn’t work. In the dream he feels exposed and judged by those around him – a symbol of his waking self being ashamed of his lack of judgment and overconfidence. He is being made to feel how bad things get when he loses touch with his authentic self that has the wisdom to guide him.

The message this dream is offering is one of learning to access, tune in and attend to his inner soul which will guide him into making the right choices for his well-being, rather than looking outside of himself to be rescued from possible failure.

Focused exclusively on the part of him that was involved with his new marriage, he had broken loose from his center, heady with the success of his relationship. The dream gives him a scare so that he reunites with his inner core and use his inner guide and all parts of himself to be a success.

Damien didn’t take the dream message seriously and within a few weeks he had a nightmare to drive the point home.

“I was doing a test in school and I didn’t pass. The dean called me and he was crying and said sorry he couldn’t do anything about it. If I took it again and failed I would be thrown out of med school and that would be the end of everything. I had to put more effort into it and not get distracted.  I wouldn’t have a good life and no career. It was a nightmare and when I woke up I was so happy it wasn’t real. It was a huge relief.”

Talking about his relief, Damien realized that his nightmare could become a reality if he didn’t pay attention to balancing his inner self. He wouldn’t be anything if he just assumed that things would work out without the link to his ‘guide’ that could keep him nourished and stable. His reliance once again on an outside force to rescue him (the dean) wasn’t going to work.

The experience of failure in the dream came to remind him that he hadn’t fully absorbed the lesson in the prior dream. Damien tends to hand over his authority to someone else and suffers as a result. So this dream is an even sharper reminder that he has to tune in and trust his inner guide who will ensure that he will pass life’s tests as and when they come along.

This time Damien took the message to heart and his next dream exemplified it.

“I was walking from school up a hiking trail to a mountain. There was a museum there like the The views were spectacular. It was open and there were lots of people there. It was magnificent. The museum had stuff that people had made from the past and I thought about how they did it and that that person in that time touched this.”

We talked of the place of learning that brought back memories of being there for 10 years as a student. He had gone there to study and it felt like a home. Damien is now showing signs that he is tuning into himself (home) as a source of wisdom because it’s a place where he learned and matured.

He described the museum as being a place of respect – that keeps history and shows what people did in the past, where one can see what they once worked on. Damien is learning to respect his own personal history and development, respecting it and honoring it, instead of always looking to someone or something outside of himself to guide him.

In the dream he enjoyed the scenery and good views indicating that it made him feel free, good, and alive. So we can see how Damien is in touch with his own internal scenery that liberates him and brings him vitality.

The need to be perfect rocked Damien's boat, threatening to capsize his boat and throw him into choppy seas

In the next few weeks, Damien experienced several triggers at work that shook his confidence, propelling him towards trying to be perfect and please everyone around him. He was going back to what was familiar – yet irritated that he couldn’t maintain his inner calm. Another dream came along to help him feel solid again.

“I am in high school, and have to do a math test but feel like I’m not prepared. My wife is with me. I see a booth where you can take a practice test that predicts how well you do on the real thing. I took it and got 95%. That was good and I knew that I could do it. It was empowering.”

We noticed that the good feelings Damien had after this dream were very different to the fear and panic at the end of the previous dreams. Something has shifted inside him that points to a greater sense of self-trust as he keeps putting himself to the test. He seems to continue to need proof that he is okay and isn’t just lazy and dependent like his father and brother.

He wants to be sure that he has what it takes for his future, needing to ‘practice,’ get assurance and relieve his anxiety.

The symbol of Math is probably related to ‘adding and subtracting’ things in his life. Almost as if he is sorting out what’s useful and discarding what gets in the way. In real life he is ‘adding’ other activities in his personal life like picking up his interest in comic books. His wife is with him in the dream suggesting that he is identifying more with his adult self and less with his family of origin that had held him back. But unfortunately he only gets it right 95% of the time. Ninety-five is an odd number indicating he still has a way to go to make his life more even and wholesome

Damien is fortunate to work on his inner core with a therapist who helps him understand the value and power of his dreams. You can too.

In part 5 I’ll show you how Damien struggled with his journey towards greater confidence and more self-trust in his life, as his dreams continued to illuminate his progress as he navigated fears of not being perfect, constantly needing proof of his ability to pass life’s tests.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

How a dream can help you overcome the fear of making your own choices (Damien's dreams, part 1)

How a dream about an aligator helped Damien choose between his girlfriend and his mother ( Damien's dreams, part 2)

How a dream about an interview helped Damien trust himself ( Damien's dreams, part 3)

Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Dream Analysis To Help With Anger and Stress Management

The dream that helped Damien understand the trap he was in, fearing commitment and choices was the first of a series that helped him prepare to propose to his girlfriend and adjust his relationship with his mother. Now he was ready to propose, but how would his mother react?

The eldest of three children, Damien felt responsible for his mother’s welfare. His younger siblings were in college and his father wasn’t reliable. Damien enjoyed getting advice on ‘the right thing to do,’ from his mother, who also took care of him in ways that made their bond special.

He knew his mother wanted him to marry a girl that came from the same ethnic and religious background. There was nothing more important to him than his prospective wife and mother getting along. Would his mother approve of Leila? Would they find a way of relating without making him choose between them? Would Leila be okay with him visiting his mother after church every Sunday? Would Leila be okay with him continuing  to take care of his mother’s car insurance payments?

Then came a dream that illuminated his predicament and helped answered his question, freeing him from his self-imposed dilemmas – just like the teepee cage in the last dream.

“I was walking and saw a baby alligator. It was still attached to its mother with tissue that looked like a placenta. It didn’t hatch out of an egg.  There were zoo keepers and then there was an alligator tail coming out of my chest. It was taken out and even though there was a hole, I felt good.”

Damien associated alligators with hard skin that is Impenetrable” so he can’t get out, nor can others get in to help him. As we explored the image in the dream, Damien talked about the hard skin being a barrier to connecting with others. He noticed that he felt disconnected and awkward in groups. He was also having trouble connecting with Leila, torn between his affiliation with his mother and his girlfriend.

This is what we made of the dream in his therapy, using the context of is life at that time as the backdrop.

Alligators are reptiles that live in water and on land. Damien’s psyche was showing him that he is operating as a reptile. He can live in a state of unawareness, represented by the water, or he can live on land – but he can’t survive if he is still attached to his mother’s placenta!

Both the water and the placenta show his anxiety about being his ‘own man. Damien feared that without the basic nurturance from the placenta, and the womb like existence of the water he wouldn’t be able to survive successfully.

The image of hope came via the image of the bit of alligator tail that was coming out of his chest.

The remnant of alligator tail symbolized the beginnings of his awareness of his own capability and wish to prove it. He is given hope that he can take himself out of his entrenched reptilian mode and live freely making choices and decisions for his life – not just being seduced by care taking and then discover that he has given over charge of his life to others.

This dream stayed with Damien for weeks.

We related his resistance to changing his ways to the ‘hard skin’ of the alligator. We connected his tendency to get carried away with his work, ignoring his personal life with being in the water, oblivious to reality. He also made the link between his growing unease with being treated like a child by his mother.

The image of pulling out the remnants of the alligator tail from his chest gave Damien the confidence he needed to propose to Leila even if it meant he would have to give up the care of his mother. His conflict about having to choose between his mother and Leila (the water or the land) dissolved. He became a fully-fledged mammal, shedding his reptilian self.

Leila accepted his proposal with excitement and much happiness. Damien was relieved and felt like he was finally getting on the path of achieving his masculine identity. He told his parents that he was engaged and welcomed his mother getting involved in the wedding plans. He was fulfilling his manly role and that felt good.

What Damien hadn’t anticipated was his mother would make a last ditch attempt to keep the placenta attached. She began giving him gifts of personal care items- reflecting an intimacy that was inappropriate for an adult male and his mother. He didn’t want to hurt her by refusing them, nor overrule her on the choice of wedding stationary she was ordering.

Reminders of the tail remnant he pulled out of his chest in therapy were immensely powerful in helping Damien find his strength to tell his mother what he wanted and what he didn’t. He cut the placenta and survived. She backed down and he didn’t feel guilty.   

Damien had many days and nights of doubt about his choice of wife. As he became more self-assured and realized that making choices and commitments (being on land without being attached to the placenta) didn’t mess up his life, he approached his wedding ‘knowing’ this was the right thing for him. The hard alligator skin was no longer needed to protect him from taking risks. He owned his warm bloodedness fully. What a gift of a dream from his psyche!

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

How a Dream Can Help You Overcome Your Fear Of Making Your Own Choices    (part 1 of Damien's story)

How Your Dream Can Free You From Trying to Get Your Parent's Approval

How Your Dream Can Help You Overcome Bad Memories That Keep You Stuck

Disclaimer: this article is for educational and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have when reading the material or following the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Dream Analysis To Help With Anger and Stress Management

Three months before his wedding 35 year-old Damien came home from working as a lab technician tired, grumpy and dreading the thought of having to propose to his girlfriend or else lose her. He hated the idea of making that decision only to find that there were better fish in the sea. He thought very highly of 32-year-old Physical Therapist Leila, but didn’t want to make that final commitment. It felt like he was imprisoning himself for life. The stress was unbearable.

Earlier that day he had felt pressurized to rush results out of his path lab to the surgeons and doctors in the hospital that demanded instant identification of the tissue and blood samples they sent in truck loads. He was concerned about the accuracy of the results, but also about annoying the medical personnel if he didn’t do things at their pace. He imagined the head of the laboratory being angry with his pace of work, and replacing him. All this anxiety and fear made him wound up in a tight ball, trying to be perfect and please everyone else except himself. He was trapped. Nothing felt good and there was no way out!

Until he had this dream:

“I am in a tavern like in medieval times. I am in a cage that is like a tepee. It’s the day of my execution and I can feel the fire under be being lit. I feel trapped but then I see that the door is open and I step out. There are witches there and the give me a good meal. They say I deserve it because it’s the day of my execution. But I say it’s not going to happen and enjoy the meal.”

Damien’s dream was very disturbing to him, depicting his imminent death.

But then he discussed it with me in therapy and we understood the important message it was giving him about his own ability to feel in control and get out of his trap.

This is what we made of the dream.

The cage is what he puts himself into when he feels he has no choice – no exit strategy. His sense of having to propose and rush his lab work was like the heat of the fire in the dream, pressuring him to act. In real life he can’t see that the cage belongs to him and the door is always open – he can choose to step in or get burned alive.

But the cage is situated in a place of fun, a tavern, where people come to relax and socialize. It suggests that Damien can't allow himself to have fun with people and socialize on an equal basis. He either has to be their slave or take care of them.

Damien has problems in making decisions. It’s hard for him to just have fun – so he has to put himself in a cage to force himself to do more serious things like marry which he wants, but which also involve commitment and no turning back. The witches represent the voices inside him, telling him he has no choice and must accept his demise.

The word witch is also an echo of the word 'which' – depicting choice, that is so hard for Damien.

If he has something nice like the meal the witches offer him, he has to pay the price of death: so the choice is impossible to make. If he chooses the good meal, he gets killed by the fire the witches have lit. If he chooses to get out of the cage his core self gets annihilated by having to please everyone else. When he feels the ‘heat’ from other people to do what they want, the cage feels like a sanctuary. But soon the cage feels oppressive, killing him with its fire. So he wants out – only to find that he is in a different cage of having to take care of others.

What did Damien learn from this dream analysis?

The idea of choice had always been hard for Damien. His whole life had been prefaced by having to be a “good boy”, doing the “right thing” to be given a pat on the back and accepted into the world of those that mattered. Despite talking about it several times, it wasn’t until his unconscious gave him the image of the open cage and the fire with the threat of dying that he began to own his right to decide what he wanted. He was so amazed that the cage door was open, that he could go out at any time, he kept repeating that part of the dream as if to absorb that it was up to him to walk out or die! It was as if new life had been breathed into him. He was being given permission from his unconscious to take care of himself with feeling guilty, panicked or ashamed.

Within the next few weeks,Damien gave himself permission to leave work at the regular time rather than work late into the night just to please others, or save his job (not get killed). He started to enjoy his time in the evening and looked forward to sharing himself with his fiancé. He was more available for the relationship and proposed to Leila. She accepted. At first Damien was content. But soon he  began to fear that Leila would just take over and make him her slave. He also began to get stressed over his mother's reaction. So tune in to the next blog post and discover how his next dream helped him over this huge hurdle.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Dreams show you how you hold yourself back and sabotage your success

How your dream reveals your inner terrorist that makes your life hell

Is guilt the stick that motivates you into action?

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna's Dilemma – Can she have intelligence and beauty or does she have to choose?

How could she look good and hang on to her intelligence, confidence and ability to make good decisions?

It bothered her that she couldn't loose weight and look good because it would mean telling the world that she was just an object. Women who looked good seemed like a hollow shell, where the outside looked good but with nothing of substance inside. If she stayed like she was and focused only on her smarts, she would end up lonely and sad. People would only want her for her intellect. Quite a dilemma.

Dream to the rescue

As she struggled with this awful choice Donna dreamed that she lived in a beautiful stylish apartment building that had excellent security. She saw a young blond good looking woman approach the security desk claiming to be Donna. But Donna was already in her own apartment! She watched the security guard allow the impostor in without checking the records. Donna showed her anger to the security guard who didn't know what she was doing wrong. Donna was furious that this bone headed security guard would be so lax. She was even more furious that the security guard had no concern about not doing a good job.

How Donna's Dream Helped Her With Her Difficult Choice

As we talked about the dream we discovered that Donna had a very vigilant security guard inside her psyche. Her security guard kept her appearance and intelligence separate in order to protect her from getting hurt and feeling bad about herself. Going with the looks was a big risk of getting guys who just hit on her, so it was safer to stress her brainy side. If they just wanted her intellect she would never raise her hopes about being wanted for her physical appearance.

The Dream Removed The Need To Choose

Donna was paying too big a price for this separation. Her security guard was too good. So her dream showed her that it was okay to be less rigid. It was fine for her to give space to her need to look appealing and to her smart brain. The dream took away the burden of having to choose. She was being given permission by her own internal healer via the dream that it was safe to meld these two strangers and make them a whole person.

Two weeks later Donna attended a party where she was showing some of her creative works. For the first time ever, she didn't hate her looks and didn't imagine that everyone was judging her badly. She allowed herself to take in the praise and compliments of her family and friends. Both parts of her were given equal weight and by thinking of herself as a whole person, she invited others to do likewise.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna Enjoys Better Relationships and is More Comfortable With Herself

Now Donna doesn't have to worry about whether she is attractive OR smart and which part of her she should show the world. She has both, and as she gets more comfortable with them at the same table, she will get have more satisfying relationships. She is more in touch with her internal security guard who can use her good judgment as to when it necessary to be extra vigilant and when it is safe to be less rigid. Donna's new found flexibility makes her more open to good things.

Read About Donna's other challenges and growth through dreams

A Dream That Foretells The Ability To Trust In Your Own Talents

What Does it Mean if You Explode Into Tiny Pieces In Your Dream?

Can Your Dream Help You Lose Weight?

Help to understand your dreams