Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Messages From Your Unconscious

Do you wake up puzzled by the same weird dream over and over again? Does the dream seems to come out of the blue, unrelated to your current circumstances and make no sense at all? Are you left with lingering images and sensations that interfere with your mood? Recurrent dreams can be quite disturbing. They are powerful messages from your unconscious urging you to pay attention to some aspect of your life that can no longer be ignored.

A Strange Dream Interferes With Brandon's Happiness

Thirty-six year old Brandon's life began the day he got his realtors license three years ago. Everything in life was wonderful except for this strange dream that kept interfering with his happiness. In the dreams he was back at the dental clinic subbing during staff shortages. Brandon couldn't understand why he was dreaming about a job he hated, never gave a second thought to, and had run away from to become a realtor.

Unfinished Business Comes Back To Haunt Brandon

Unsettled by the persistent regularity of this unwelcome dream, Brandon consulted me on this mystery. We discovered that Brandon had some unfinished business back in that clinic. Brandon choked up as he recalled leaving abruptly, without any marker of this huge transition. This was the first time he felt the wrench that he had anesthetized himself against for so long. He had walked away from his title as a doctor of dentistry, become estranged from his colleagues who had been like family, and given up working with his hands, a skill he had honed to perfection. He had treated these aspects of himself as if they were irritating particles of flaky skin.

The Dream Does It's Job

After his surprise emotional reaction to the sharing of the dream, Brandon returned to the clinic. He found the corpse of his previous life, and gave it a decent burial with all the funeral rites it deserved. He celebrated the dead person rather than pretend it had never lived. Now he was free to return to the land of the living. The dream had done it's job. It never returned.

If Only I Had Known!

Ever had that "if only I had known" feeling? Dreams that come over and over again may be trying to give you a heads up about something serious that is going to happen in your life. Maureen an event organizer for a non-profit agency had been doing the job of eight people for quite some time. She never asked for help despite being constantly overwhelmed. Nor did she seek treatment for the cataracts that were compromising her eye sight. A perplexing dream made her take a couple hours out of her schedule to consult with me.

Maureen ignored her dream, crawled back into her shell and made herself sick!

Maureen's Dilemma Shows Itself In Her Dream

In her dream Maureen assisted a man with voter registration. He had to study for a test by 9:00 p.m. that night in order to qualify- an impossible task. He insisted on voting locally although he was planning to go abroad. Maureen felt frustrated with this ridiculous request. Her bosses told her the man could register in the morning if she signed off on his study requirements. She didn't want to lie and felt trapped by this dilemma.

Maureen's Stark Wake Up Call

The dream precisely depicted Maureen's conflict. The man in the dream represented the dichotomy within Maureen that she had ignored, the wish to work and the desire to play. She had focused only on work. Her dream came to remind her that both are necessary for wholesome living. The odd number nine suggested something incomplete, and at odds with natural rhythms. The time crunch in the dream was a wake up call urging Maureen to stop 'signing off' on her one track path in life. She needed to 'register' this challenge and cast her vote for a balanced existence, before her cataracts blinded her to the joys of a full life.

Maureen Ignores Her Warning and Pays The Price

Maureen was moved by the analysis of her dream. She seemed intent on change, but she ignored her dream yet again. A few weeks later I learned that she had become ill and was forced to stop working. How much more drastic will the consequences have to be before she pays attention?

How To Remember Your Dreams

You can use your dreams to gain peace like Brandon, or like Maureen dismiss them at your peril. I hear you saying that you don't dream or that you don't remember your dreams. We all dream but we don't always welcome them with enthusiasm. A participant at one of my dream workshops complained that she could never recall her dreams. I told her to invite her dreams into her conscious world. Four weeks later she attended another workshop. She had so many dreams in her notebook she didn't know which one to work on first!

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Achieving her goals was a bit too easy for Nadine

Thirty-five year old writer and director Nadine got three clients as soon as she put the word out about her new venture as an acting coach. Her script for a TV show was accepted and she was hired to direct the production. She was amazed at how quickly and effortlessly everything was falling into place.

Nadine’s dreams were about to come true. Her talents were prized and she felt giddy with excitement. Expressing her creativity felt authentic but scary. She dared to imagine being famous. She dared to imagine herself happily married with a family. She dared to imagine having it all.

Acid Reflux and puffy eyes ruin Nadine’s new found success

The only fly in the ointment was the continuous acid reflux, swollen ankles and puffy eyes. She was eating a healthy diet, had good energy and felt accomplished. Why would her body be reacting in this manner?

As soon as Nadine pictured success and happiness she felt the acid reflux in her mouth. The images weren’t all good. She saw her father leaving the family when she was three years old. She saw her mother leaving her alone for hours at a time to fend for herself. She heard her parents voices fighting about whose turn it was to take her, and never once considering her feelings. She recalled having to be the grown up and comfort her mother who was always in a state of panic. She smelled and tasted the fear of being banished from the love of family if she dared speak up about her feelings and wishes.

When things went well in her external world, Nadine’s body went into action big time. Her ankles became heavy with fluid making her feel lethargic. The puffy eyes made her feel ugly. How could she coach, direct and be in the public eye feeling so lousy and looking so freaky? Her excitement and energy turned into a sense of futility and failure. Feeling ugly and sick was a good reason for not hiring a cast and finishing the script changes. Putting off her coaching was necessary because she couldn’t stand for long with the swollen ankles.

Should Nadine go with her success or fail and get sweet revenge?

Success would mean letting her parents get away with treating her badly. It would mean taking them off the hook. Worst of all it would suggest that what they did wasn’t that bad because her life turned out good. Climbing the achievement ladder would mean her parents wouldn’t have to pay for the damage they did to her as a kid. Making a name for herself would mean she would have to give up her vengeful thoughts and her wish to punish them. She wanted them to suffer and own their part in her childhood suffering. Success would rob her of her entitlement to demand an acknowledgment of their wrong doings, punish them and expect restitution.

Swollen ankles put a stop to continued success

Thank goodness her body put the brakes on her fast track to success! If fame and fortune could be this quick and easy, she would have to take her parents off the ‘blame hook’ for good. Nadine wasn’t ready to do that. She needed more time as a failure to rub their faces in it. She wanted to prove them bad people even if it meant her demise. Her body came to the rescue and gave her ample reason to halt her progress. Her physical symptoms acted as a protector of her strong and powerful desire to make her parents pay for what they did. It was worth the price.

How should Nadine deal with her conflicting wishes?

While Nadine’s body may protect her vengefulness and boost her sense of power, it acts as a saboteur for her future fulfillment. The war being fought between Nadine’s healthy wish to grow and her need to fail is being won by the saboteur. The saboteur comes disguised in the form of puffy eyes, swollen ankles and acid reflux, to make her roll back her development.

Nadine has a good chance of making a truce with her two battling factions. She can ask herself some important questions that can help her choose and stay on the path to success.

• How long am I prepared to wait for a sign of atonement from my parents?
• What sign will I accept?
• Will any sign be enough?
• Am I prepared to destroy my talents for the remote possibility that my parents may own up to their failures?
• How will I feel in 10 0r 15 years when I am still alone and envying my friends watching their children grow up?
• What if it’s too late to make a life for myself if and when my parents admit their mistakes?

Calling a truce and choosing fulfillment will make Natalie’s body behave itself

Let’s assume that Nadine doesn’t want to sacrifice her future in the faint hope that her parents will atone. Once she opts for success and fulfillment her body will be released from acting as the proxy for that vengeful part of her psyche. Giving herself permission to flourish and thrive will create an emotional calm and that in turn will create a physical balance. At that time Nadine can begin working on telling her parents about the hurt and anger she has stored up for so long and begin the process of living a full life without having to pardon or forget.

 Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security.

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Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Thoughts of holidays and family made Donna's heart sink

As 2009 came to an end, Donna was struggling with the lack of motivation she felt at the thought of the same old Christmas and New Year rituals with family members. She didn't want to go through these meaningless experiences just to feel part of a family.

Donna wanted to shake things up and have more choice in how the holiday time was spent. She also wanted to get away from pretending to feel grateful for whatever her parents had planned. Her desire to make some choices of her own and do things her way made her antsy. How was she going to organize it without upsetting the apple cart?

Donna is caught between keeping the old and wanting something new

There was also the complicating factor of an upcoming loss of her family home. Her parents were selling it and moving to a smaller place with no room for visitors. Donna was caught between wanting to enjoy the family home before it was gone forever, and her wish to celebrate the holidays in a wildly different manner.

A dream gives Donna her wish – something old and something new

Then came the dream that helped her with her conflict. Donna dreamed that she was walking into her family home and into her old bedroom. There was a huge box in there. When she opened it she found some old clothes, jewelry, candy, books, scarves and pizza pieces. She began to sift through the items and pick out what she wanted to keep. She found pieces of pizza and candy that looked edible. She discovered some retro jewelry that she had loved and some clothes that she had bought to go with her unusual and precious jewelry pieces. The rest of the stuff seemed stale, and not part of her any longer. She felt a sense of peace and comfort at finding these things that she had forgotten about.

Donna gets to select from her past and make new relationships out of them

Donna's dream gave her the opportunity to go back into her childhood and retrieve things that were important and meaningful, like the pizza and candy she had never been allowed to eat. Now she could give herself permission to eat it without worrying about being judged and ridiculed about her weight. Now she could dress as she pleased rather than please her mother. Now she didn't have to put her choices and desires on hold.

The wounds of the past are fashioned into fresh connections of equality

Just as she went back to her childhood room in her dream, the message to Donna was to do so in real life before the family home was sold. Donna was being encouraged to go back, take the memories she wanted, bury the ones she no longer needed to hold onto, and create new ones over the holidays. She was being shown that she had a choice in how to remember her past by digging through the box of painful childhood and adolescence and closing the wounds that still had the power to sting.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Fear of loss is transformed into more meaningful family life

Donna used her dream to great advantage. She took the lead and invited each family member to do something with her that was unique and special. That old ways were being buried in the box of the past. Donna was going to create new connections, having the courage and entitlement to eat what she wanted, wear what she liked and be what she felt was true to herself. She also returned to her old room and collected things that she wanted to keep including family photographs and her art work that she was now ready to reacquaint herself with again.

Donna was energized by the message of her dream. Instead of feeling sad about the loss of the family house, she let it go with her bad and sad memories. She decided to build new memories with her parents as they transitioned to their new home. Donna realized she could establish new and more equal connections with her folks as she was no longer bound and trapped by the rigid roles of the past that the house represented.

Donna's dream sets her free and puts her in charge of her emotional life

In 2010 Donna emerged with new convictions about her right and freedom to have the type of relationships she wanted to have with her family. She makes the suggestions about where they will meet and what activities they will share. She wears the bits of the past that are meaningful and creates new webs of interaction that make her feel good about herself. She remains surprised as to how readily her family have responded to her taking charge!

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Donna's Dilemma

Donna was heartbroken that all the time and energy she had devoted to building a relationship with her father seemed to end in tatters. Now she was angry and no longer willing to do anything to please him, just to stay on his radar.

She didn't want to lose him completely either. She had a dilemma that troubled her. Should she give up on him and move on with her life, or should she just see him occasionally and keep her feelings to herself?

Donna's Body reacts To The Stress

A week ago they had fallen out. Donna's feelings were a mess. One part of her wanted to sever the ties altogether and punish him, while another part of her longed for the dad she always hoped to have, the kind of dad her best friend enjoyed. Her feelings were so chaotic that she broke out in a rash, all over her chest and arms, her face and neck. The rash expressed her conflict, the red raw anger that she didn't know what to do with.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

A Dream Comes To Help Donna Solve Her Dilemma

The night before she was to meet her father after their last blow out, Donna dreamt that she bought tons of wax and removed all the hair from her legs, arms and other places. It didn't hurt and it felt good. The wax was warm, like honey and comforting. It came off without stinging her, making her feel strong.

What Message Is The Dream Giving To Donna?

Body hair is a protective shield. It protects against the cold, and shields the skin from the sun, preventing dehydration and wrinkles. So in her dream Donna was able to remove that protective layer without feeling any sting or pain. She was being shown that she was strong enough to stand up to her father's stinging remarks, and coldness. She didn't need to protect herself against him. Nor did she need to protect her father from her rage, disappointment, and hurt.

Making Use of Her Dream

The meeting with her father was not as bad as she had imagined. Donna was able to express some of her feelings without fear of losing her father for good. He didn't walk away or shut her up. Donna's dream gave her a wonderful image of strength and power, that no longer had to be a solid ball of anger inside her. Like the wax in her dream, it melted and with it took away the fears that had chained her for so long.

Now she has a better chance of having a more honest relationship with her father, on her own terms.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Getting Her Father's Attention Back Was All Celia Wanted

Celia basked in her father's attention. She had ever since she was a tiny girl. It was all she lived for. One day her father changed. He became self-absorbed, oblivious to the distress he caused his family. Celia spent the rest of her childhood trying to bring him back to life. She attended to all his needs when her mother was sick. Later she followed family traditions about girls getting married and being homemakers. But nothing penetrated his fortress of solitariness. She had lost the privilege to be the apple of her father's eye.

Maybe A Career Would Impress Her Dad

Celia was getting on with her life after her divorce. Her kids were grown up and she grabbed the opportunity to go back to school and study to be a nurse. It's what she had always wanted to do and hoped it would impress her father. She was desperate for him to show pride in her ambitions and achievements. It didn't make it past his well guarded fortress. Her accomplishments felt like failures because they weren't acknowledged by father.

A Dream Nudges Celia To Face Reality

One night she had a dream that confused and disturbed her. In the dream she was in a room sitting at a small square table with a King and Queen. The King was writing. There was a door across from Celia behind the Queen. There was a lot of traffic noise coming from outside the door. Celia shut the door. The King looked up in relief. Celia enjoyed knowing she had pleased him. The queen invited her to visit them more often, but the King did not. She was heartbroken.

The Dream De-stabilizes Celia

The dream haunted her. She found herself crying a lot. She looked up dream dictionaries and websites that devoted themselves to dream interpretation. All the while a pit in the bottom of her stomach nagged at her. She couldn't concentrate on her school work. She lost interest in the lives of her children. She was inside her own lonely fortress, keeping the world out, unable to feel secure in her daily routine. Eventually Celia came to consult with me. She told of the dream and drew the images.

What Is The Reality Celia Has Been Avoiding?

Celia had given her father ultimate authority to approve of her and make her happy. His were the only blessings that counted, his the only approval that mattered. She gave him all the power to dictate how she would experience life. She n her own hands and give herself permission to be a woman in her own right, to be proud of herself and relish her accomplishments.

Celia Gives The King All The Power

The King in Celia's dream represented the ultimate in authority and power. Celia didn't exist for him unless she did something to make him feel good like eliminating noisy disturbances. She had spent her whole life trying to make him notice her by taking care of his comforts, and in so doing had abandoned herself. By shutting the door in the dream, she was shutting out reality – that there was a big, noisy, world, full of life out there. A world that would be responsive, that would welcome her, where she could find acknowledgment and self-worth. Shutting the door made time stand still. She was forever the little girl trying to get Daddy's attention, and failing.

The Message of Unity and Wholeness

The square shaped table in the dream has a special significance. A square has four equal sides, representing equality. The message for Celia is that as a grown woman she is an equal to her father. She has the entitlement and the power to control her life and create her happiness. The dream nudges Celia to take strength from becoming a whole person in her own right. A square table has four legs that enable it to balance, and keep it stable. It is a powerful image of stability and balance. Despite the King (father) being busy, the world isn't shaking. She can survive without his approval.

Celia Is Guided To Become The Apple Of Her Own Eye

Celia is encouraged to tune into the loving invitation of the Queen, depicting Celia's nurturing maternal self that she has ignored up to now. The dream tells her that by responding to the Queen she can feel worthwhile. Celia was shown the futility of trying to be daddy's special girl again. She was given an alternative, that was so much more fruitful. That was to abandon her wish to go back in time and recapture some magic that was no longer available. She was guided to switch from taking care of her unresponsive father to taking care of herself. Rather than trying to impress dad, Celia was better off being the apple of her own eye.

Celia is now a senior nurse in the cardiac unit of her local hospital. She is well respected. She enjoys her work and has a wonderful relationship with a fellow nurse. They cheer lead for one another and offer shoulders to cry on when needed. At last Celia sits around her square table where everyone she invites to dinner is her equal. She is the King and Queen of her own life, ruling with a rod of compassion.

Using dreams to help you manage your personal challenges by Dr. Raymond, Ph.D.

Family Hurts!

Young beautiful and exuberant Julie was a happy and contented child until her parents sent her abroad to live with better off relatives in America. Contact with her parents was limited. She made sense of it by believing that she wasn't wanted, that she was a burden and an unwelcome intruder into her family.

Growing up with a Thin Skin

Julie did everything she could to prove she was loveable, useful and a worthy child for her aunt and uncle to rear. But she lived with the constant fear that any day, they too would tire of her and dump her somewhere else. She was an excellent student and used her teachers's praise as a source of worthniess. She didn't have many close friends. She was terrified that if they got to know her well, they would consider her second class goods, and find better friends.

Marriage and Children Don't Do The Trick

Julie hoped that marriage and parenthood would give her someone to love, and that she would be loved in return. She thought that this would be her salvation. A husband and child of her very own could finally prove that she was desirable and lovable. But it didn't work out. Her husband left, and Julie's relationship with her own daughter was strained.

The longed for wish fades away

After years of bitter sadness that she couldn't relate to her daughter, Julie realised that she was going to die a bitter and lonely woman. After she retired, the fear became stronger.

Then came this dream

She was in the kitchen preparing soup from a package of dried soup mix. Flames leapt out from the burners of her stove as she stirred the pot. She put her hands in the fire to rescue the soup and got burned. Later she discovered the knob and turned off the gas.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Julie is Given Hope and Encouragement

In her dream Julie was preparing a nourishing meal from a packet of dried soup mix. Her life was 'dried' up, without love, without connections, without meaning. Mixing the dried powder with water the dream says, can reconstitute her desire for genuine kinship. The dream showed her that her usual way of reaching out for love was by sticking her hands in the fire and getting burned – betrayed, let down, abandoned, disowned. Flames also indicate the intensity of her anger that she was dumped, mistreated and denied a home with her own parents. Her dream then showed her that she had a knob inside her that can turn the heat on and off. She can control the heat of the flames. She doesn't have to get burned and spoil the 'relationship soup', depriving herself of a good meal. Nor does she have to eat uncooked soup – raw and unsatisfying loneliness, by refusing to turn on the gas!

The Gifts In Julie's Dream

Julie had been repeatedly 'burned' by the betrayal of loved ones. Her dream indicated she could reach for the knob whenever she felt defenseless. She could have balanced relationships, OR she could hang onto the anger in the flames, be a victim, and keep getting burned. As she worked on this dream with me in a workshop, tears flowed as we put words and meaning to an otherwise terrifying dream. That was her first gift. The second is more permanent. Julie can use the insignia of the knob as a symbol of her ability to manage future vulnerable situations. She gets to have a life before it is too late.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Shantal Feels Dissed

Shantal's relief at opening her front door lasted exactly one minute. One look at Andre's face told her that he was overflowing with irritation. She braced herself for the complaints he had stored up during her absence at a work conference. The barrage began right away. Shantal escaped to the bedroom. She crawled into bed without bothering to unpack, and tuned out. She felt like a dumpster being filled with four days worth of stinking trash.

Frustrations Froth Up The Battle

Andre put his arm around his wife and nibbled at her ears. That usually turned her on, but not this time. She said she was tired after her trip and wasn't in the mood for sex. Andre let out a big sigh. He had been looking forward to making love with his wife. He had hoped that a few days apart would make her want him again. His imagination went wild with images of a frustrating sexless marriage.That would be unacceptable What was he to do? He didn't want to cheat, and he couldn't tolerate the thought of Shantal looking elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.

Putting The Dreaded Talk Off For As Long As Possible

Saturday came around too fast for Shantal but not soon enough for Andre. He prepared his opening gambit to get this problem out in the open and dealt with. Shantal clung to every moment in the shower, jogged for a longer time, cleaned, shopped and cooked, until there was nothing left to fend off the dreaded encounter. As soon as Andre sat on the sofa and asked if she was okay, she braced herself for a round of challenges that she didn't want to explore.

"Are you feeling okay?" Andre asked, delicately opening the can of worms.

" I'm fine. Just a bit tired." Shantal responded pushing the lid down on the can.

" It's just that you seem to be tired a lot, and it comes up every time I try to make love to you." Andre expressed as he pulled out a juicy worm.

" I can't help it if I'm tired. You always want to have sex when I need to sleep. "Shantal defended, cutting off access to any more worms getting out.

" What am I doing wrong? I worry that I'm not attractive to you any longer." Andre spilled out two more wriggly worms.

" You just don't get it do you? You criticize me if I'm tired, or if I go away for work and don't do the chores around the house. If I am not in the mood to do what you want, you blame me for spoiling your plans. You never ask what I want to do, or show any concern for how I feel. It doesn't exactly make me feel like having sex with you." Shantal spewed as she poured the remaining worms in the can over Andre's head.

" I don't mean to criticize you. I just want us to be on the same page. What's the point of being together if we want to do different things? We might as well be room mates."Andre said, deflecting the blows to his self-esteem.

Shantal Turns Off Her Sexuality

Andre and Shantal both felt unwanted and unattractive, but in very different ways. Andre felt his maleness threatened, so he came on strong, using sex to boost his masculinity. Shantal felt treated like an object rather than a desirable female. She turned off the tap to her sexuality.

  Sex Is About Putting Up Walls and Tearing Them Down

What does having sex mean for this couple?

It isn't about expressing love or sharing physical pleasure.

It isn't about tender moments of vulnerable intimacy.

It isn't about taking the time to be with one another in a secure embrace.

The sexual act for Andre and Shantal is code for managing boundaries. Andre wants to tear them down by engaging in sex, reuniting the couple. Shantal wants to put them back up to signal her refusal to be taken for granted.

Frank Talk Makes Sex About Love and Intimacy

Tearing down walls and putting them back up is exhausting. Using sex as the battle arena is destructive and futile. Andre and Shantal don't have to act out their fears and power struggles in bed. They can begin a dialogue about their experiences when separating and coming back together. It obviously stirs up a lot for both of them that is not being adequately addressed. Once they have the courage to begin that conversation, love making will be unshackled by the stresses of separation and reunion, making it pleasurable once again.

More articles about why sex becomes a problem and how to remedy it

How to get affection on your schedule

Why your sex life doesn't work and three ways to revive it

Why your sex life is non-existent and how to get it going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of an eye

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Lorraine feels like a dangling yo-yo doing Joe's bidding

Joe's selfishness drives Lorraine crazy

Lorraine was infuriated. She got in her car, raced the engine and zoomed into the street, the screeching tires magnifying her frustrated rage. She'd show him! Let him worry about where she was, whether she was okay, and sweat over when she would be back. He'd soon find out how valuable she was when he had to bathe the kids and put them to bed, and had no one to complain to about his tough day at work.

What a selfish and self-centered man he was! He had done it again- made it all about him. She asked for one weekend to spend with her girlfriend, but Joe's work commitments and deadlines came first. He objected to being the sole care taker of the kids.

Joe's predictable behavior makes Lorraine feel superior

As her rage subsided, a smug smile danced on Lorraine's face. It made her feel secure that Joe had behaved exactly as predicted. Her anger was validated. He truly deserved the bad guy label because he put himself first, last and always.

Lorraine needs to be off the hook

What's in it for kind, considerate Lorraine to be with egotistical and selfish Joe?

There are five pay offs for Lorraine to stay mad at Joe.

1. He's bad, I am good!

When he is inconsiderate and unreasonable Lorraine feels superior and good about herself. All the bad stuff seems situated in Joe.

2. He's bad, so I don't have to feel guilty or selfish!

Each time Joe puts himself first, Lorraine doesn't have to deal with her discomfort about wanting time away from the kids. If her selfish streak was let out of the bag, she would feel guilty and awful about herself. Far better to let Joe own the self-centered parts of each of them.

3. He never supports me, so now I have something to get him on!

Joe's reluctance to give Lorraine what she wants is disappointing. But it allows her to think of herself as a long suffering martyr. Resentful and full of righteous indignation, Lorraine can punish him as she sees fit. She can torture him by running off and making him worry. She can use his selfish acts as whips to lash him with whenever she needs to feel powerful and in control.

4. Joe is responsible for making me feel so awful!

By handing over the reins to Joe Lorraine makes it about him by putting him in charge. She makes him the captain of the ship and then gets enraged when he exercises the authority to steer the course he thinks best.

5. He needs to change, not me!

Entrusting Joe with the sole responsibility for her happiness means that Lorraine sets herself up for a great deal of heartache, stress and low self-esteem. She sabotages herself by giving control to Joe.

However she is willing to pay that price so long as she can blame him for being mean and uncaring. Since he is the bad guy, he is the one who has to change. As the good guy Lorraine is let off the hook and avoids accessing her personal resources for managing her life.

Lorraine needs to nurture herself with a  wide range of supports

How can Lorraine feel good without making Joe bad?

1.By making arrangements in advance with family, friends, neighbors and Joe for the care of the children when she wants to get away.

2.By involving her team in supporting her plan. That makes Joe feel useful rather than burdened. Joe is more likely to encourage her to take a much needed break.

3. By taking the lions share of responsibility in achieving her goals makes it more likely that she will feel fulfilled. Joe will be attracted to her independence and want to be included in her ventures.

4. Lorraine has to chose self-empowerment more than the superior feeling and vindication she gets when she punishes Joe.

5. Switching from battle mode where there is only one victor to a win-win mode allows both Lorraine and Joe to feel good. That involves giving up the belief that relationships are all about

" I did — for you, so I expect and demand that you do — for me."

Lorraine has to do things in her marriage because she wants to, not only because of what it may bring her in return.

6. This may be difficult for Lorraine to get her head around. At this moment there is a pay off for her in setting Joe up to be the bad guy. Her reward is feeling saintly. If she is willing to allow both of them to have good bits and bad bits instead of apportioning them out, she can be find greater acceptance of herself and her partner, making the relationship flexible and battle free.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Irritable Bowel Disease makes Meryl want to stay home

Meryl woke up often through the night with abdominal pain and cramping. During the day she often felt bloated and uncomfortable. It messed with her appetite and eating routines. The constant tenderness in her gut made her afraid of going outside her home and work place. She worried about being near rest rooms. She was embarrassed about leaving events frequently to visit the rest room with no apparent relief. She never told anyone and pretended all was well.

Silence was Meryl's best weapon against emotional abuse

Meryl usually kept her feelings and opinions to herself. She had long since learned that the one sure fire way to avoid rocking the boat was to keep quiet. It wasn’t safe saying what she felt if her mother would go into a tail spin and shower her with a spate of hurtful remarks that she was powerless to defend against. It was dangerous to play with her father’s wrath if she dared to speak for herself. The only times she did so resulted in being torn to shreds and then ignored for weeks. Taking the blame for things that went wrong in the family seemed to make everyone else accept her, and reduce the condemnations. Self-silence and self-blame were the only way to avoid the emotional abuse that came with expressing her feelings.

Looking good in public was Meryl's ticket to feeling good

Meryl felt good about herself as a professional that other people respected. She wasn’t going to let anything spoil that feeling of being admired and valued. She was the first to own the blame and fix problems at work. That was her insurance against nagging thoughts about what others may be thinking of her. It was like an automatic reflex that went into action the second someone she cared about was upset or angry. Self-silence and self-blame became Meryl’s way of protecting herself against the sense of helplessness and worthlessness that came with emotionally abusive interactions.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome was the culprit ruining Meryl's life

Meryl did a lot of research on her symptoms, altered her diet, took supplements and kept herself hydrated with water. She regulated her times of eating and made sure she fed herself regularly with small easy to digest meals. But nothing seemed to make a difference. It was time to consult with the experts. Meryl’s nursing background came in useful. She knew who to talk to and what questions to ask. A series of tests ruled out Inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), Colitis, and Chron's disease.

The diagnosis was Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) of the constipation type. It is a functional disorder in that physical symptoms persist in the absence of any structural or biochemical abnormalities. Twice as many women as men suffer from IBS.

Meryl was shocked and upset because it meant that there was no ‘cure.’ All she could do was ease the symptoms with medications when the flare ups were severe.

Research evidence on IBS and emotional abuse

A. An article in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine published in 2000 reported a strong link between emotional abuse and IBS among women.

B. IBS sufferers have a heightened need for social desirability (as reported by the Journal of Gastroenterology in 1990, and the International Journal of Psychiatric Medicine in 1992).

C. Emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, so there is an increased need to look good, to be socially desirable. The need to have a good image conflates with the need to protect others from feeling bad, and triggers coping mechanisms like self-silencing and self-blame.

D.Self-silencing is a way of maintaining intimate relationships by silencing thoughts and feelings, resulting in a devaluing of the self. It is a way of avoiding emotional abuse.

E.Self-blame is another way of avoiding emotional abuse. It works by lowering self-esteem and accepting responsibility for negative events. Better to blame yourself than be skinned alive with abuse from so called loved ones.

F.Self-blame and self-silencing increase stress.

G.Stress hormones like cortisol exacerbate symptoms of IBS and reinforces the negative downward spiral.

Communicate feelings and thoughts for improved gastric health

1. Meryl can turn the tide for herself by taking the risk of speaking her mind.

2. She can practice sharing her thoughts and feelings with herself at first.

3. Next she can write them down.

4. Finally she can begin sharing one or two thoughts and feelings with trusted colleagues.

5. Allowing others to share in the responsibility when things go wrong will make Meryl experience a more realistic world, where she won’t have to protect herself against anticipated emotional abuse.

Take the relationship quiz and discover your profile of relationship security with tips on helping you become stronger.

Anger Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sexual Desire Gets Killed Off with a wall of anger

The fantasy of warm, exciting but familiar sex had been shattered. The carefully planned romantic dinner topped off with sex had been destroyed. Dan's wife's fussed about the restaurant, killing his desire. Like an awkward stranger riding home he didn't say a word. Back home every noisy exaggerated movement  he made as he got busy doing chores was calculated to highlight his sense of martyrdom.

The Unforgiving Anger

Weary of the tension between them Cherie cuddled up to Dan in bed that night. She wanted to feel close to her husband again. Sex was the best way of making up, feeling good and repairing the breech. The foreplay began with Cherie stroking and kissing Dan in all the places she knew that turned him on. Dan moved away. He didn't want to forgive her that easily.

Resentment Results in Impotence

In the next two weeks Dan's mood softened and he found himself wanting sex badly. He was irritable, short tempered and tired of his self-imposed celibacy. He found himself getting instantly aroused at work when female colleagues were near by. He was consumed with the thought of sex, preventing him from concentrating on work. It was time to resume having sex with his wife. Exciting and erotic images of sex with Cherie culminated in him taking the initiative one night. Her eager response was instantly arousing. No more foreplay was necessary. He was ready for intercourse.

But just at that crucial moment he went limp.

How Fury Led To Erectile Dysfunction

When Dan got mad at Cherie for not appreciating his efforts, and for ignoring his needs, he had to survive an attack on his self image. The best way to bolster his sense of self-worth was to get angry. That made him feel righteous and entitled to deprive her of sex. Resentment towards Cherie turned into a need for vengeance. The need to punish her killed off feelings of sexual desire.

Days later when he had recovered from the rejection, Dan's sexual desires returned. But the sexual circuitry in his body wasn't ready to risk being vulnerable with the person who had badly wounded him only a couple of weeks ago. Danger signals were being sent to his body preventing Dan from having an erection. His mind and body were on different rhythmic schedules.

Four Steps For Dan To Disconnect His Anger From Sexual Performance

1. Write down the unspoken contract he made with Cherie in his mind.

It may say something like " You will enjoy and appreciate my way of pleasing you at the time of my choosing." Seeing this expectation in black and white gives Dan a chance to become aware of what he is demanding and whether it is realistic.

2. Dan should consider who he is trying to please.

If he truly wants to please Cherie, he would do better to plan around her mood, and offer gifts when she is receptive, rather than trying to manipulate her emotions to suit his needs. Paradoxically, he would then feel good because she responded well. If he is trying to please himself then he is setting himself up for disappointment because he cannot predict and control Cherie's reactions.

3. Dan needs to decide whether he wants a puppet or a partner.

If Dan is resentful and irritated, his frustration puts him into control mode. At those moments he will want Cherie to be his puppet. He will get furious when he cannot control the puppet, making him impotent.

If he feels concern and empathy with Cherie, he wants a partner. He is in tune with Cherie and enjoys her genuine pleasure when they do things together. He's more flexible, timing his gifts for maximum effect. Intimacy will be enhanced and his sexual apparatus will feel safe enough to do it's job when he asks it to perform.

4. Dan needs to share his expectations and disappointments with Cherie.

Conversing with Cherie about her needs and preferences gives her the message that Dan cares as much about her pleasure as his own. Dan will no longer have to chose between pleasing himself or Cherie. Nor will he have to meet his own sexual needs by impressing her with fancy dinners or expensive gifts.

Mutual enjoymnent of sex begins and depends on an ever constant conversation about each other. The flow of words translates into a flow of sexual intimacy. Affection increases and leads to a more natural sex life. Instead of sex being used to score points, punish, or mend fences, it signifies love, admiration and attraction for one another.

Chosing a partner over a puppet allows Dan's body to be ready anytime he wants!

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