Dream Analysis To Help With Anger and Stress Management

Three months before his wedding 35 year-old Damien came home from working as a lab technician tired, grumpy and dreading the thought of having to propose to his girlfriend or else lose her. He hated the idea of making that decision only to find that there were better fish in the sea. He thought very highly of 32-year-old Physical Therapist Leila, but didn’t want to make that final commitment. It felt like he was imprisoning himself for life. The stress was unbearable.

Earlier that day he had felt pressurized to rush results out of his path lab to the surgeons and doctors in the hospital that demanded instant identification of the tissue and blood samples they sent in truck loads. He was concerned about the accuracy of the results, but also about annoying the medical personnel if he didn’t do things at their pace. He imagined the head of the laboratory being angry with his pace of work, and replacing him. All this anxiety and fear made him wound up in a tight ball, trying to be perfect and please everyone else except himself. He was trapped. Nothing felt good and there was no way out!

 

Until he had this dream:

“I am in a tavern like in medieval times. I am in a cage that is like a tepee. It’s the day of my execution and I can feel the fire under be being lit. I feel trapped but then I see that the door is open and I step out. There are witches there and the give me a good meal. They say I deserve it because it’s the day of my execution. But I say it’s not going to happen and enjoy the meal.”

Damien’s dream was very disturbing to him, depicting his imminent death.

But then he discussed it with me in therapy and we understood the important message it was giving him about his own ability to feel in control and get out of his trap.

This is what we made of the dream.

The cage is what he puts himself into when he feels he has no choice – no exit strategy. His sense of having to propose and rush his lab work was like the heat of the fire in the dream, pressuring him to act. In real life he can’t see that the cage belongs to him and the door is always open – he can choose to step in or get burned alive.

But the cage is situated in a place of fun, a tavern, where people come to relax and socialize. It suggests that Damien can't allow himself to have fun with people and socialize on an equal basis. He either has to be their slave or take care of them.

Damien has problems in making decisions. It’s hard for him to just have fun – so he has to put himself in a cage to force himself to do more serious things like marry which he wants, but which also involve commitment and no turning back. The witches represent the voices inside him, telling him he has no choice and must accept his demise.

The word witch is also an echo of the word 'which' – depicting choice, that is so hard for Damien.

If he has something nice like the meal the witches offer him, he has to pay the price of death: so the choice is impossible to make. If he chooses the good meal, he gets killed by the fire the witches have lit. If he chooses to get out of the cage his core self gets annihilated by having to please everyone else. When he feels the ‘heat’ from other people to do what they want, the cage feels like a sanctuary. But soon the cage feels oppressive, killing him with its fire. So he wants out – only to find that he is in a different cage of having to take care of others.

What did Damien learn from this dream analysis?

The idea of choice had always been hard for Damien. His whole life had been prefaced by having to be a “good boy”, doing the “right thing” to be given a pat on the back and accepted into the world of those that mattered. Despite talking about it several times, it wasn’t until his unconscious gave him the image of the open cage and the fire with the threat of dying that he began to own his right to decide what he wanted. He was so amazed that the cage door was open, that he could go out at any time, he kept repeating that part of the dream as if to absorb that it was up to him to walk out or die! It was as if new life had been breathed into him. He was being given permission from his unconscious to take care of himself with feeling guilty, panicked or ashamed.

Within the next few weeks,Damien gave himself permission to leave work at the regular time rather than work late into the night just to please others, or save his job (not get killed). He started to enjoy his time in the evening and looked forward to sharing himself with his fiancé. He was more available for the relationship and proposed to Leila. She accepted. At first Damien was content. But soon he  began to fear that Leila would just take over and make him her slave. He also began to get stressed over his mother's reaction. So tune in to the next blog post and discover how his next dream helped him over this huge hurdle.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF:' Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Have you been the one to take care of family when others bailed out or abandoned you?

Are you the one that keeps family members together at the expense of your own life?

Perhaps you felt righteous, strong and saintly doing what needed to be done when everyone else behaved irresponsibly.

But you built up anger and resentment that grew inside you like a cancer, destroying the authentic part of you that the freedom to have your own life without feeling that you too abandoned your family.

Over time the anger turns to rage, and the rage burns you. It makes you want to inflict on your family members what you went through.

Suppressed anger makes you exhausted, stressed and unable to concentrate on your work or your routine tasks.

  Buried anger affects your sleep and your eating patterns.

You can no longer live trapped and almost strangled to death by the anger that you have stored up against your family members you use you, abuse your sense of responsibility and take advantage of your saintliness.

You have avoided expressing the anger hoping that your family members will see your sacrifice and do the right thing. But nothing happens and you are left with a rage that is vengeful and punitive.

This video tells the story of one young girl, on the brink of adulthood feeling trapped by her care taker role but enraged with her family members to the point of running away in order to make them value and acknowledge her heroic contributions. I tell how  I helped her express her anger, and recognize that the entire family had massive negative emotions that all needed to be aired and understood so that the family could function in a healthier way.

You too can do it. Watch and begin your journey to freedom.

 

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

After a relaxing weekend, thirty-three year old Daniel hated when he felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that a new week was about to begin. He enjoyed his two-days-a-week off so much that the transition was painful and anxiety provoking. The thought of leaving his ‘treasure island’ and re-entering the world of reality made him nauseous as he prepared to tear himself away from his personal paradise of ‘do-nothing-and relax’ time.

He had to up date his financial records; getting the flyers and ads out for new listings he had procured for his real estate business and keep appointments with his ten-year-old son Drew’s school meetings. He had to go back to being a robot to get through this week, just like every other.

The only way he could get himself ready for the job was to whip himself into a state of frenzy and panic – imagining the urgency with which he had to attend to the tasks as hand, for if he didn’t – he was a lazy, useless, unproductive, undeserving layabout!

That self-critical voice raised its volume and began pounding Daniel with guilt.

He was bad for doing nothing and enjoying it! He should be ashamed of himself letting so many important jobs stay undone. He needed to make up for it in a hurry because he had wasted to much precious time already.

Daniel got himself out of his reverie like a donkey gets up after being lashed unmercifully to do the bidding of its master. This master wanted to punish him for retreating into his care-free bubble and forgetting his duties. This unforgiving, over-active slave driver insisted that Daniel wasn’t going to enjoy any part of his working week as atonement for the two days of rest-and-recreation he had stolen.

He was filled with shame, comparing himself to his hard working parents who rarely took time to rest or play with him and his brother. Their lives were filled with jobs that seemed caring and that Daniel thought he should be grateful for. But he never was! All he wanted was for his parents to spend time with him, enjoying his company and he theirs.

He felt weak and helpless as that self-critical task-master inside him went on and on, louder and louder until Daniel gave in and shut himself out of his paradise. He began to tackle the jobs on his list like a demon, to erase the guilt evoked by his self-critical voice. As he got into the rhythm of his tasks, he detached himself completely from the haven he had just left. While he was on ‘duty,’ being a ‘good boy,’ he wasn’t allowed to have any contact, even in his imagination with his ‘off-time’ paradise. Masochism was the only way to manage his overwhelming anger.

But at the end of his robotic week, when he had paid for his crime of having time off, he melted right back into his precious island where that inner-critic was quiet until just before the next week began. What peace, what joy – heaven!

Until the whole cycle started again!

How Can Daniel Silence His Inner Self-Critic?

1. Identify the source of that voice from childhood – is it his dad’s voice making him feel ashamed of playing and having fun? Or is it his mom’s admonishments to be a ‘man’ and do more jobs around the house? May be it’s a grandparent who snubs him for not being a ‘good boy,’ and deprives him of treats.

Whatever the combination of voices, Daniel has taken ownership and beating himself up with it. So he has to disown that voice and give it back to those it really belonged to.

2. Develop his own voice so that the harsh self-critical one doesn’t come back and fill the empty space. He needs to make his voice represent his own beliefs, not those of his childhood carers. He doesn’t need to compare himself to his parents, and he no longer needs their approval in order to feel loved.

Doing that involves deciding what his beliefs are about working and playing. Is it okay with him to rest, play, unwind, and switch off? If so, when, how, and in what circumstances?

3. Remove the stark split between work and play.

Allowing himself time each day to rest and switch off will alter that punitive swing of the pendulum threatening him into action with shame and guilt. Having something to enjoy each day makes the working week bearable and balanced.

4. Create a more organic rhythm for work, play, rest, peace and relationships.

Focusing on what he is doing and has done at a time of recreation quietens the self-critical voice until it disappears. Getting in touch with your own natural rhythms liberates Daniel from shame and guilt.

Now Daniel can face any day with energy and positive anticipation. He doesn’t have to browbeat himself through his self-critical voice, because it has been quietened. In time, that voice becomes more validating, giving him permission to be himself and approve of it.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Are you envious of other peoples relationships?

Are you consumed with frustration that other people seem to get what they want and have the 'perfect' relationship while you are struggling to get off the ground?

When you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your own relationship, other couples are viewed in idealistic terms. You imagine that just because they are out together or buying groceries together that their relationship must be warm and stress free.

You wan the same thing! You don't know why you can't have it, and you feel life is treating you unfairly, despite you being a 'good' person.

Thats what happened to thirty-seven year old Jocelyn after her marriage ended in divorce.

She was filled with rage that she had given her all in the marriage and yet it hadn't been enough to make it work.

Enraged by her husband being away a lot and shirking his responsibilities, she filled herself up with hate for him for making her end up alone with two children.

She kept the anger and hate inside, pretending that she was doing okay. But she also looked for any excuse to tear a strip off her husband when he wasn't paying what she felt she needed to maintain her household with the children. She wanted that money, and atonement money – she wanted him to bleed.

She tried to act like a single person and go out with friends but she felt even more angry that she had to start going out and date again!

Jocelyn found a million reasons why she would never find a partner again. So everytime a possiblity arose she stamped on it by saying, " I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm not funny and I'm not sexy!"

It worked. She made sure she never got a date – it was a great way to hang onto the anger and hatred.

Yet the anger and hate never went away. In fact it got a lot worse. Jocelyn couldn't stand the fact that he was enjoying his life while her life was going down the drain.

What are Jocelyn's options for dealing with the anger and hate?

She can sit back and complain about her misfortune, treating herself as a helpless victim on the one hand, and as a merciless avenger on the other hand when she gets mad at her ex-husband.

She can fill herself up with anger about life being unfair and leave no room to take in care and find a good connection.

She can blind herself to the love that is available because it doesn't match her wish to turn back the clock and force the marriage to work.

She can seethe with frustration, release stress hormones into her body and get sick.

She can have a fit about the fact that her efforts aren't being rewarded immediately or consistently,.

 OR

She can use that  frustration and the excess adrenaline that it produces to make it happen for her.

 

Three ways Jocelyn can use her frustration, anger and hate to get her share of the good things in life

1. Tune into the discomfort in her body whenever she is frustrated, revengeful and angry. Notice the enormous energy that could overwhelms her, but is at her disposal to channel –

2. Imagine the choice she has –

• use the anger, hate and frustration for destructive purposes – throwing a tantrum because she isn't given what she want.
• use the energy to get in touch with DESIRE.and use that force to open up a space inside where she can allow others to touch her, make her laugh, care for her and make her feel wanted.

3. Frustration is the mother of desire

Choose the second more hopeful option and put herself out there as the valuable person she is. Emotional energy can be used to wake up DESIRE for life and all that it offers. Without desire there is only destructive tendencies because no one took care of you the way you wanted. Fierce desire makes you walk through fire and wade through snake filled swamps.

When Jocelyn wants her life to be happy with a new boyfriend more than she wants to feel the power of anger, then she uses frustration transformed into desire to get her wish.

She needs to look for and take what she wants, not wait for someone to rescue her. That's where the frustration comes in handy. It catapults Jocelyn into a 'must have' place rather than a ' have to wait and see' place or a passive aggressive place just to get even. Taking revenge and punishing will only keep Jocelyn in a strait jacket of rage hoping it will burn the reality of the broken marriage into it's original attractive experience. Desire on the other hand is self-empowrering because it comes from the frustration of not being gratified by the person you depend on to care for you.

 

As the famous British Psychologist and Pediatrician Donald Winnicott said – a mother has to refrain from indulging a child all the time or anticipating every need. Without the feeling of frustration the child will never want to do something badly enough to grow and develop the skills and the pride of self-care.          

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

Arguing with your Spouse About Mother-in-law Problems Makes you Angry and Stressed

 

The power of a mother-in-law to interfere in a marriage causes intense negative feelings that can destroy the spousal bounds

Angela and Josh a newly married couple were at logger heads about Angela's mother telling him how to treat and take care of her daughter.  She kept calling and texting him about Angela's food needs, her anxieties, her need to get pregnant and the need for child to be a son.  Josh tried to talk to Angela about his distaste for being told how to be a good husband by his mother-in-law, but Angela secretly smiled. She was thrilled that her mother was on Josh's back to do the 'right thing' by her, because she was too scared to do it herself. She loved that her mother was her champion, and whipping up her husband to do the same.

What Angela didn't appreciate was that Josh was feeling emasculated and furious. He was angry about the temerity of his mother-in-law to tell him what to do, as if he knew nothing of his wife's needs. He was fuming that he wasn't given a chance to find his feet in his new role as a husband., But most of all he was livid that his wife enjoyed seening him as a puppet controlled by her mother. Lurking underneath all that rage was shame – making him feel small, powerless and inadequate.

 

Caught Between His Bossy Mother-in-law and His Uncaring Wife, Josh Buckled Under the Stress

Josh's anger made him want to punish Angela. He wanted her to feel the threat of losing him, and he withdrew. He couldn't take the feeling of being helpless to manage his mother-in-law without upsetting his wife and feeling like he was to blame for causing friction in his new marriage.

Feeling Trapped Between a Rock and a Hard Place Creates More Stress Because Josh Keeps His Anger Hidden

Telling his mother-in-law nicely to back off didn't work. She was too strong a personality and insisted that she needed to help him be a good husband – and that without her he would fail – just like her husband failed her – and she wasn't going to let that happen to her precious daughter.

Getting his wife to speak up on his behalf didn't work either. She didn't see why it was such a problem, and told him that he should be grateful to her mother for giving him such good advice!

What are Josh's Options?

1. He can continue keeping silent and seethe inside as he allows himself to be disempowered.

Risk – he might cheat or take a mistress who allows him full control. He may conquer his shame by feeling his power in another relationship.

Benefit – he doesn't upset the applecart of mother-daughter alliance against his entitlement to be a full partner in the marriage, excluding the third party of his mother-in-law.

 

2. He can let the stress get to him by getting sick – then his wife might refocus her lens on him and their marriage.

Risk – the shift in focus will probably be short lived. His wife and mother-in-law may join forces and continue their close relationship, leaving him on the sidelines.

Benefit – he doesn't hurt anyone's feelings, and still hopes that Angela would choose him over her mother.

 

3. He can decide that he isn't going to be ousted from his rightful place in the marriage, and reclaim his position and power by telling his wife what he wants

Risk – his wife may have a small tantrum, and his mother-in-law may have a huge tantrum. He might feel guilty and scared that he won't be able to pull it off.

Benefit – he gets his wife to redraw the boundaries between her mother and herself, committing to Josh and their marriage.

 

WHICH SOLUTION DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WORK BEST?

Yes, you are right, the one where Josh reclaims his wife and makes the marriage a priority.

What shoud have happened before the marriage?

Mothers-in-laws can't intefere in a marriage unless there is a huge hole through which she can enter and divide a a couple that wern't really a strong and united coulple in the first place. Ideally the couple should have formed a bond that made their union solid and made it known to all other family members that no one could come in and operate with either of them in ways that they had done before. Josh and Angela had not shifted their allegience from family to each other fully enough, so Angela's mother had a wide berth.

HOW DOES IT WORK OUT?

1. Once Josh takes ownership of his role in taking care of Angela, his demeanor and attitude will give off the message that his mother-in-law is no longer the boss.

2. Then Angela receives the same message and invests in her husband as a good partner and care taker. She relinquishes her primary tie with her mother and makes it with Josh.

3. Next Josh and Angela work on making their union water tight. They agree to express their needs, fears, wishes and disappointments directly to one another, so they can fine tune their relationship while it is still new and maleable. They get to avoid resentment and hate building up and making them sick or tearing the marriage into a battle zone.

4. Josh and Angela give each other the chance to repair hurts, understand and empathize with each other's unfulfilled needs and frustrations, while navigating their way towards a more wholesome connection. That enables them to grieve their losses and move on.

5. The couple learn to read each other's body language and signals for care and become the go to people for one another. They learn from their mistakes rather than bury them.

6. Both Angela and Josh make a pact to tell each other what they feel, need, want and expect at the time that they are aware of it. That's how they avoid building up anxiety and stress related insomnia.

7. Finally, Josh and Angela make sure that any holes that might appear in their relationship are noticed and promptly sewn up by attending to the issues – underlying negative emotional experiences that are bubbling beneath the surface. Taking preventive action rather than waiting for a crisis is a fool-proof method of never having to deal with the anger and stress of an interfering mother-in-law.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

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Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

Anger and loathing leads to stress and depression

 

The Path From Anger To Stress to Depression

Anger and hatred often go together when you don't get cared for in the way you want and expect. If your expectations and hopes are dashed over and over again, the anger and loathing get bigger and more ferocious.

But you are probably too scared to let it out.

You feel love and hate for the person at the same time. These two contrary feelings put you in a bind.

You can't walk away, and you can't express your rage.

You fear that if the one you are upset with will crumble. Then you won't have anyone to be be attached to, and being alone is more frightening.

You imagine that the person you are mad at doesn't care about you – in fact they hate you and  are just one step away from walking out on you!

So you keep it all in, seething inside with no room for anything else.

All that scary anger makes your body release stress hormones to cope with the intense anger that threatens your heart, blood pressure, digestive system and mental well-being.

Chronic stress not only causes several serious health problems, but often leads to a long and unrelenting depression. You may not even be aware of it, because you have got used to the exhaustion and sense of depletion that comes with being stressed. You already feel depleted, so adding demotivation and lack of vitality isn't such a change.

But depression is serious.

Depressive symptoms

• Your self-esteem and confidence plummet.
• Your sleep cycle is disrupted. You may sleep for longer periods or not get much sleep at all.
• Your appetite may increase or decrease.
• You lose your libido.
• You are more prone to pain – headaches, back aches, joint and muscle pain.
• You can't relate to people socially and curtail your activities.
• Your concentration wanes and you are more ambivalent when it comes to decision making.

 

Depression is Anger Turned Inward

Pretending and or denying your anger and fear about the disappointment in your significant relationships alters the trajectory of the anger towards yourself. You are more willing to kill off your real-self than destroy loved ones and be alone. That is psychological suicide.

Anger turned inwards makes you false to yourself. Your pretence turns you into an inauthentic person, and your psyche can't survive under that constant murder of your true self.

Depression is often brought on when we move too far away from our true selves to be something or someone that we think we should be to gain some sort of prized place in society.  Skewing yourself too far in one direction is not psychologically healthy, so depression puts the brakes on.

 

 

When you garden, your body gets rids of harmful enzymes accumulated during stress induced depression.

A recent article in Br J Psychiatry, 2014, revealed that the effect of antidepressants on allieviating depressive symptoms was largely controlled by expectations of those taking them. Given that these medications are not guarenteed to help you, why not turn to what is known to help in the short term and in the long term?

The journal Cell, Sept, 2014 published an article proving the biolgical effect of exercise in nature (such as gardening) being especially beneficial to stress induced depression. Harmful kynurenine, a substance produced by stress, is converted by muscle into a neutral chemical, detoxifying your system.

Gardening is connecting with nature in a hands on intimate way. It's as if the act of getting involved – getting your hands dirty so to speak is a way of you touching your own roots and feeling your own soul in an authentic way.

Planting and hoeing, trimming and cleaning – it's a metaphor for what you are doing inside your psyche. That's why it's so healing. And if you are growing produce you are also taking charge of feeding yourself something real rather than some arbitrary goal of reaching some status in life that may or may not be nourishing

Gardening also helps you feel good about yourself when you see your efforts bloom in a tangible way that depends on no other person. There is an immediate response from seeds when they germinate, or a plant that wilts and dies if you put it in the wrong type of soil.  In addition gardening means dealing with nature that you can't control perfectly – insects, weather etc. That is something that is part of the depressive process – to mourn the loss of what you can't control and learn to adapt and be more flexible to what life brings – rather than try to fit some predetermined goal.

Gardening provides something to look forward to each day, several times a day when you go out to check how your plants are doing, and care for them in the tiniest of ways – removing a dead leaf, or dead heading a spent bloom.

Exercising in natural surroundings is the key to relieving the symptoms of depression by being in touch with nature, Ecopsychology, September 2014, and gardening is a great form of physical exercise.

So get gardening, even if it is one pot with one plant indoors or a few on a balcony. One large container can give your vegetables and edible flowers, scent and color – that you help nurture and create. When you do it you eliminate stress and create a more wholesome you. Then you can express your anger without fear of loss.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2014

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

 

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LastFirstdate.com – Five Ways Women Can Let Go of Past Relationships and Date Again

 

Medical Daily- Exercise Reduces Stress and Enhances Physical intimacy

 

Category: Health

 

MEDICAL DAILY.COM  -How To Stop Binge Eating: 5 Simple Ways To Curb Your Appetite To Feel Satisfied

 

Always Active Atheletics:  Committment: How To Stick To A Work Out and Nutrition Regime

 

Everydayheath.com    Be Sorry, Be Healthy: Apologize for your health

 

Dailymakeover.com Fifteen ways to control stress eating

 

Livescience.com   Anorexia: Causes, Symptoms and Treatment

 

Azureazure.com on the health benefits of forgiveness

 

 

Category: Parenting

 

Thestir.cafemom.com:   when its okay to treat your kids differently and when its not

 

ALLPARENTING.COM – America Desensitized: the new normal

 

Mainstreet.com Why parents need to know what Heather Mack is teaching about teen money

 

 

Category: Anger management

Thezebra.com:  How to Deal with Road Rage (Whether it’s You or the Other Driver Who’s Fuming)

 

 

Category: Psychology of Emotions and Managing Finances

Thestreet.com   Why Americans Need Therapy To Improve Finances: Money Psychology

 

RADIO INTERVIEWS

Category: Relationships: Book, Now You Want Me, Now You Dont! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship

 

Todd Newton Show

 

LA Talk Radio: On the couch with Dr. Michelle ( August 15, 2014)

 

The Steven Knight Show  (scroll to 50 minutes in)

 

Health, Wealth and Wisdom Show   (scroll to 28 minutes in)

 

Lastfirstdate  show with Sandy Weiner

 

Talk Radio Now with Royce Holleman 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQKPQcOcV_E

 

 

 

 

Spanish language articles

ar.mujer.yahoo.com  Los beneficios de ser introvertido      (the benefits of being introverted)

 

 

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

When you are overwhelmed and feel like you are sinking in quicksand, your body wants to flee from the threat. But your life style and schedule keep you trapped in a very a very stressful situation.

You feel out of control

You feel helpless

You feel angry and resentful

You are terrified of failing or having a breakdown

You put even more effort into trying to be perfect and get everything done the way it should be so you can meet your own high standards and expectations

You imagine others complimenting you and envying you

BUT THE STRESS GETS TO YOU AND ALL YOU WANT IS FOOD. YOU WANT THE COMFORT AND THE NUMBNESS THAT EATING CAN BRING.

YOU WANT THE CALMNESS OF AND PEACE THAT CHEWING AND TASTING AND STUFFING YOURSELF BRINGS

YOU WANT TO FILL THAT HOLE CREATED BY ALL THE ENERGY YOU LOST STRESSING OUT OVER YOUR SCHEDULE

SO YOU GO TO THE FRIDGE, YOU ORDER IN, YOU GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ALL THE JUNK FOOD YOU NEVER USUALLY ALLOW YOURSELF

YOU DESERVE IT FOR ALL THE HARD WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

EXCEPT ——————————- YOU KNOW YOU WILL REGRET IT. Why self-sabotage?

 

Here are a few ways to control emotional/stress eating:

 

1. Research, prepare and cook something good for yourself. You take care of yourself in several ways that reduce stress –

• taking time out from your routine gives your body a chance to build up reserves and recharge your battery.

• focusing on your personal needs for a while balances your psyche so that your judgement remains sharp and unimpaired.

• you give your creative processes a chance to get juiced up when you switch to thinking about choosing, buying ingredients and preparing a special meal for yourself.

• the sequence of actions that you engage in to make your meal steadies your emotional rudder, since you bring order and timing into the equation.

PLUS 1:    Being aligned with food gives the brain the message that it is being de-stressed.

PLUS 2:   You don't get more stressed by depriving yourself of the comfort of food – you just give it to yourself in a more controlled way.

The perfect balance

2. Since stress floods the bloodstream with adrenalin it's good to use it on getting all those odd jobs done that have been on your mind 

• Use up the adrenalin so that you don't feel the negative effects of stress – only to crave food in ever increasing amounts.

• You will feel accomplished and  in control – the most effective antidotes to stress.

• Your food cravings will have be satiated with the rewards of taking care of yourself and getting your house and environment in order. The neurotransmitter – dopamine – that triggers the reward centers of the brain to make you feel good, will give you lots of 'pings' for completing all those unfinished jobs, as it would if you ate food. So do the jobs, feel rewarded, and you won't want to stuff yourself with food.

 

Leave your imprint on the paper and turn the darkness into a more tolerable shade of grey

 

3. Write letters to the people who are causing relationship stress. It's a proven fact that putting things into words, calms the brain and reduces stress – without the calories!

• Composing a letter to someone who has just stood you up or has hurt you yet again, makes you aware of the pain that you need to feel in order to process it and make room for more soothing experieces. Food would just bury the pain in the short term, keeping the feelings in tact for the next time you get burned and have to experience it as a double whammy.

• So be good to yourself, and feel the pain as it comes – so that you can externalize it in words towards the person who hurt you. Putting your experience into a story that explains your side of things gives you a boost. You are no longer invisible, helpless or a martyr. You are taking care of yourself by speaking up.

• The act of writing to the one who hurt you gets your psyche to feel assertive and worthy. You aren't just swallowing the pain, which is what you would be doing if you ate to numb yourself- literally and figurutively.

• Writing to the ones who caused you pain also organizes your past hurtful experiences. You get to see a pattern. The pattern gives you valuable information of what to look for next time before it's too late.

• Putting pen to paper or typing on a keyboard also enables you to appreciate that you are actually coping with the bad feelings. You have survived and can write about it. You dont need all that junk food to pacify you. Knowing you are still alive and haven't crumbled is an enormous boost to your sense of competency and sense of self-empowerment.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

 

You might also like:

Three ways to stop chronic stress from making you fat!

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 Mainstreet.com on  emotions and money psychology

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

 

If you are in an abusive relationship you probably don't know it.

You don't recognize that your relationship is any different to others or to the one you grew up in.

So here is a twelve item checklist to help you discover whether you are in an abusive relationship, so you don't have to suffer like the NFL'S Ray Rice's wife Jany, Ray McDonald's finance, Adrian Peterson's daughter, or Greg Hardy's  domestic violence victims.

If only those victims could have been assertive and put themselves in an equal position in their relationships, they may have been less likely to be abused.

But when you feel powerless, insecure and stressed, it's tough. Seeking therapy is too scary.

 

          Twelve Item Checklist

1.You are verbally ridiculed but remain quiet.

2.You role in the relationship is demeaned in front of others yet you accept it without protest.

3.Your partner blames you when things don’t according to plan, you buy into it, and try harder to please next time.

4.You keep silent about your hurt and pain, ashamed about the relationship that you chose and are now trapped in.

5.You cling to hope that your partner will change if you are ‘better’ and more patient.

6.You try to win love and affection from a position of subordination, and are rewarded by humiliation.

7.You have fantasies of running away and or retaliating against your partner, which keep you going in your darkest hours.

8.You long for the moments when your partner is warm, to obliterate all the times when you were neglected, blamed and punished.

9. When your partner is loving it's as if you are in heaven. You forget all the bad times, seeing only the nice side of your partner. You invest everything in the moment, feeling powerful that you and only you brought out the good stuff in your partner, that you always knew was there.

10. You are always ruminating on what you have said or done wrong to make sense of your partner's emotional, physical or verbal abuse.

11.  You protect your partner when other people comment on the way they behave.

12. You give up your autonomy and activities to keep your partner from getting anxious and angry about your living a life that is separate from them.

            

Next time I will write about how to help yourself if you are the victim of domestic violence.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Imagine couples with Ray Rice and his Wife

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships

It's frustrating when your kids are constantly bickering and you have to be referee.

Choosing one side or the other often makes you feel bad,and guilty later on.

You wish your kids could get on with one another and let you attend to all the other things on your plate. But they don't!

They are not invested in harmony or collaboration. They want ownership and control over what they feel is 'right.'

So they fight and argue. They battle till they draw blood. And that's when you lose it!

One of your children gets hurt, is sobbing uncontrollably and you are now furious at having to take time out to care for the hurt child, chastise the other and somehow bring order to chaos.

Your expectations of peaceful play were shattered and now you have to take charge and undo the mess. Your anger probably comes from being forced to intervene.

So how do you mange this thorny parenting problem of facing sibling rivalry?

Do you punish the child who hurt the sibling and give all the attention to the child who is crying?

Or do you find other things for them to do and ignore what just hapened?

 

Things you should never do as a parent when you are angry at your kids for fighting

1. Never gnore them because that makes them anxious and escalates the conflict.

 DO comment on their frustrations and distress, it’s very calming when a parent notices and acknowledges how you feel, which immediately stops the fight. Since you are angry too, it's a chance for everyone to notice that anger is around, and everyone is angry for a similar reasons.

2. Never fight with them , because the parent becomes another child joining the fight adding to the conflict when what they really need is a for their mother to contain and manage their feelings.

DO talk about their need to feel stronger, and ‘better than’ the other, rather than focus on the rights and wrongs of the fight, and who started it. Then you will have taken charge in a way that brings them to attention without bitterness and blame. Your anger will diffuse as your children feel your understanding.

 

 

3. Never try to compete for control because it’s sending a message that control is something to aspire to and is the go to method of interacting.

DO invite the siblings to share their feelings as mom shares hers about seeing them fight. It gives the kids a model of how to tune into one another and that everyone has similar feelings. The advantage for you  is that as you address their feelings, you teach the basics of empathy, showing them that fighting isn’t productive. You make it less likely that this pattern will repeat. Sharing your feelings means you too feel seen and heard and everyone takes equal responsibility for their feelings rather than passing the blame ball around like a hot potato.

     4. Never yell at them to stop –  You may get momentary relief but the siblings conflict remains unresolved, and it will be revived soon.

DO invite them to tell you and their sibling what they are feeling, needing and wanting without blaming or dissing the other. You benefit because you can also 'show and tell' what your needs are and how you feel when they can't be met. Everyone reduces the anger and you feel like a good mom, rather than an impatient, mean parent.

5. Never reprimand them. It is ineffective because they hear their mom disapproving of them as humans.  They get no idea of what they have done wrong and don’t understand why they are being chastised .It can lead to shame based narcissism later in life. You may feel vindicated in the moment, but you will regret it as you see your kids self-esteem falling through the ground.

DO comment on their frustration and distress. It's immediately calming because you are recognizing, not judging their emotional state. You benefit because you are giving voice to your frustration to. When you make space for your feelings and those of your children, anger is replaced by bonding.

6. Never punish them and then over-compensate when you feel guilty. This strategy is unproductive because it’s all about the mom dealing with her own hot buttons when she punishes them, showing her own desperation – then she fears losing their love and gives in. It teaches the kids that relationships are based on fear, and that evoking guilt is a great way of managing relationships. It does nothing to make them fight less or find new ways of expressing their needs.

DO create mutually agreed rules about 'fighting' or dealing with conflict, and praise them when they conform. When you feel you are taking steps to prevent the sibling fights, your anger dissapates. Including the children in making the rules ensures their compliance, and now your children are allies, not nuisances.

 

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

How to manage your anger when your kids drive you nuts

Are you covering up the sadness of being a bad parent with anger?

Is envious anger stopping you from connecting wih your kids?

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond

 

 

Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

 

Mindfulness is a hot topic in the area of anger and stress managment. But do you know what it is?

Have you got any idea of what it entails and how it can aid you in dealing with your anger and stress?

 

Let's start with what Mindfulness is not!

Mindfulness is not meditation.

Mindfulness is not digging into yourself and discovering your unconscious wishes.

Mindfulness is not getting rid of all your thoughts and feelings

Mindfulness is not about detachment from the people and world around you

Mindfulness is not an escape from bad feelings like hurt, pain, anger, fear or envy.

Now let's look at what mindfulness is and how it can be of use to you.

1. In his book 'The Mindful Brain', Daniel Siegel describes mindulfulness as being aware of your mind and it's processes, so that you are not operating on auto pilot.

2. Mindful awarness involves reflection of what you are thinking, doing and feeling so that you are conscious of the choices you are making, and can opt for different ones to better your moment to moment, day to day life.

Benefit: when you feel irritated and angry you can sense it in your body, as you tune into your muscle tension, teeth clenching and sighing. You can then formulate words to describe your anger, and then share it in the moment. Putting your emotional experience into words, dampens the intensity of the feelings, and helps you stay and feel in control. Others experience you as genuine, adapting the converstion accordingly. You don't store anger and it doesn't build up into stress that makes you sick.

3. Reflecting on your mind and what it is thinking and doing gives you the opportunity to empower yourself, instead of just being reactive and blaming everyone and everything around you for your actions.

Benefit:you are in full control of your reactions and responses. You can choose to interpret other peoples motives in a more benign way, instead of letting your autopilot take you to the same old place of rejection and hurt. You don't feel helpless and you avoid the shame and guilt of being 'reactive.'

4. Tuning into your mental proceses puts you in the here-and-now, so that you fully participate in and experience the person you are with, the surroundings you are in and the needs you have at that time.

  

Benefit:   staying in the present releases you from captivity. Your past negative experiences predispose you to be over cautious and dismiss anything that looks or feels good as sinister, suspicious or a fluke. Mindful awareness focuses you on the reality in front of you so that you see and create a more positive life experience.

5. Embedding yourself in the here-and-now allows you to meet your need for connection with someone else, or to be apart and take care of hurt, pain or fear. Feeling your emotions as they arise means you take care of yourself in a natural organic manner. You don't brush it off and let it build up into intense anger or resentment.

Benefit: you never get hijacked by your frustration, anger or pessimism. You tolerate the bad feelings with the good and give both equal space. You have more of you to use as a resource because you are not trying to suppress feelings that you don't approve of. That's how you build self-compassion and compassion for others.

6. You don't hide from yourself, so you come across as authentic from the inside out. The image you show to others matches what you feel inside, making relating easy, and fun.

Benefit: you are at peace with yourself, non-judgmental and accepting. You have more space to be curious about others and invite them to be with you rather than perform certain functions for you. Relating becomes more meaningul and satisfying.

7. Reflecting in a mindful way about what you actually want or are conflicted about builds self-compassion and patience for your process. It reduces the judge inside you that wants you to be perfect.

Benefit:flexibility of spirit means you can adapt to the situations around you without getting into a panic or fearing bad outcomes. Being in step with the world around you makes life easier than if you were fighting it to suit what you think it should be.

8. Mindfulness is cheap in terms of financial outlay and you don't need to depend on others to do it. But you do need to see it as a way of being, not just a 15 minute mental exercise as if you were going to the gym or jogging. It has to become like a skin that you wear and adapt to depending on your emotional state.

Benefit:being a mindfully aware person means you can start to read others more accurately. You get to understand the dynamics of the relationships you are in and most of all, you develop the fortitude to enjoy emotional intimacy instead of fearing it.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

AUTHOR OF: Now You Want Me, Now You Don't! Fear of Intimacy: Ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationship.

You might also like:

Four ways to turn anger into love

How to get your partner to listen to your side of things without tuning out

How to deal with panic when anger managment doesn't work

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond